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Ren sat on the ground, his back against a log, staring at the campfire, enjoying the late night vibe.
It was quiet, everyone having gone to sleep. No other sounds were heard besides the crackle of fire and the ocean waves gently rolling to the beach. Everything was peaceful.
Or, as peaceful as it could be for Ren, now a cyberdog.
Tonight, his thoughts and feelings were speeding around in his mind as if in a race. Ren was feeling restless in his mind and uncomfortable in his body. Afterall, it had only been two months after he...well.
Ren looked at his hand, where all the colourful buttons and indicators laid, blinking and shiny. The limb still felt foreign to him, despite having been attached to his nervous system a month ago. And it wasn't just that arm, either. Both of his legs had felt like they were on fire the first few days of having them. It had not been a pleasant experience.
Ren touched his now metallic ears. They were just as smooth and bendy like his organic ones, and he still had feeling in them. Even more, his senses seemed to be even more heightened nowadays. Sometimes he thought about asking Doc what kind of things he`d put in him.
In the end, he didn`t.
Truthfully, the aches had dulled away, but the phantom pains could still be felt. And boy, did his body hurt real bad in the beginning.
Ren held it together. He had to.
Ren`s ears perked to a rustle to his left. He turned his head to see Doc exiting the van, having gone to nap there earlier.
Doc approached Ren, slumping down onto the ground and laid his head against the log and groaned. Ren chuckled.
"Can't sleep?"
"More like can't feel my limbs." Doc`s voice was rough and low from sleep. Ren loved hearing the already low and growly voice get even deeper.
"Damn." Ren winced sympathetically. He knew very well what Doc was talking about. Intergalactic travel was wonky at the best times and it always had its effect on the body, no matter how well-prepared you thought you were. Both of them still felt the remnants of the effects, so they were taking it easy this time, enjoying the camper lifestyle for a while.
"It'll pass soon enough. It's not the worst thing to happen to me, anyways." Doc said nonchalantly, and shrugged.
Ren`s ears twitched as he heard the rustles of leaves in the wind and tiny creatures skittering about. He stared ahead into the fire, face blank.
"How can you take it so well?"
Doc turned his head towards Ren, squinting his right eye a little at the question.
"Hm?"
Ren paused for a second, trying to formulate his thoughts. Words usually came easy to him, but this...these feelings, they had been bottling up for a while. He swallowed, grasping for any kind of verb or noun to make clear how he felt. How he had not been okay for the last month. How he still didn`t know what to think about his new, modified body. Or how to feel about it. Thinking about it left an acrid taste in the back of his throat, like battery acid.
Seconds ticked by. Doc got up to stoke the campfire, adding in a few logs. He then sat back next to Ren, just a tiny bit closer than he had been before. Ren always noticed Doc`s reluctantness to be too physically close lest he made a wrong move. Ren didn`t mind. Doc was learning still, how to be intimate. And they had time. He was thankful for the companionable silence.
"This, this...change." Ren started, clumsily.
"I know it's been a few months, and we've talked about it before, too, but…"
Silence overtook again as Ren was mulling over his thoughts. This, this was also one part of the problem. Saying things had become harder. Even just talking, having a chit-chat was hard on some days. That Feeling of not being able to get his thoughts out into the world, to be stuck in the mess of his own head did not sit well with him at all. That just wasn`t the Rendog he was. Used to be.
He was a bit startled when he felt Docs metallic hand on his knee, rubbing it soothingly.
Ren sighed, gaze still on the fire. Funny, how before, looking this long into a living fire would have hurt his eyes. Now, he could just stare and stare at it, watching the flames climb up to the sky only to end in a spark of ashes and whatnot.
"This body, the modifications...it still feels so strange to me. I know I am still me, that these new...parts, they- they don't change anything. I'm still me. I know that."
"At the same time, I still sometimes feel. Wrong. When I look in the mirror-"
His throat tightened, and he fell silent again.
Doc's hand moved up, taking a hold of one of Ren's hands that was balled in a fist, slowly and soothingly uncurling it and lacing their fingers, now both metallic, together.
Ren looked upwards towards the starry sky, then inhaled, slowly, feeling the fresh, crisp air of late summer night fill his lungs. He didn`t notice closing his eyes as he spoke.
"Doc, I- I don't recognize myself anymore. I know I am supposed to be the same as before. Yet- I- I am not. That-that scares me."
"Ren-"
"And, sometimes, I-I can't even find words anymore for what I want to say!” Ren`s voice pitched there. “Me! Can you imagine that? Rendog, known as one of The smooth talkers of the server!" He laughed mirthlessly, head tilting down again, his gaze on the ground now. He felt something prick in his eyes and he closed them again, a sob escaping his lips.
"These days, my mind just drifts in and out of consciousness. I don`t live in the moment, I-I merely exist in it. Tha-that is a scary thing, Doc. I`ve nev- never had to doubt myself before, who I am, or what I am doing in this world. I used-used to be content with myself!" Ren cried out, covering his face with his free hand. The tears were flowing freely now and he angrily rubbed his face, trying to erase, will these feelings away by force.
His grip tightened on the hand Doc was holding.
"I used to be good at talking and words, nowadays it's a good day if I can make even one joke! I was mute, stuck in my head for a while after arriving here, and that-THAT, feeling, being stuck in your own head, was- was..."
He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, letting go of Doc's hand in doing so.
Ren's whole body trembled and his voice hiccuped with sobs.
"I- I do- don't want to be like this. I want to- to feel normal. Again. I just. I- I want-"
The cyberdog's mind was racing at a hyperspeed, all the thoughts colliding with each other and passing by, not stopping even for a second, just for long enough fro Ren to grab one and vocalize it, leaving him stuttering and at a loss for words.
Unable to articulate himself for now, he hid his head in his arms and laid his head on his knees and tried to breathe.
For a while, everything was hazy, and Ren could not for the life of him recall how much time had passed when he felt himself calm down.
Someone's hand was on his back, rubbing soothing circles there. He was warm and cozy.
Opening his eyes, he realized he was in Doc's lap, and the creeper-cyborg`s arms were around Ren, Ren's head on his lover's shoulder.
They laid there in silence for a while, before Doc spoke. His voice, deep gentle and understanding as always, rumbled next to his ear.
"Feeling better?"
"A little, yeah." Ren snuggled more into Doc, wishing he could just forget everything and be like this with Doc forever.
Doc chuckled, then grew quiet as they both just sat there, contemplating. He kept rubbing Ren's back with one hand, while the other went up to his ears where he scratched him lightly. Ren sighed in content.
"It takes time, you know."
Ren startled slightly at Doc's voice, having almost fallen asleep. Doc pat Ren on his back in apology, then continued.
"It is hard, at first. The first few months were rough for me as well. It's been so long now, though and I don't recall the time anymore where I wasn't the way I am now." Doc`s voice, calm, warm, and yet somewhat authoritative, felt hypnotizing to Ren. He could listen to Doc for hours like this.
"We all change after a certain time, it is inevitable. Some changes, they can come suddenly," he nuzzled Ren`s cheek, feeling the other melt into him. Still, Ren was not relaxed, taut as a spring, ready to bolt at any second should anything else spook him today. Doc had no clue if his words were helping Ren, as the creeper hybrid was the least talkative of the two, but he was trying.
"and sometimes, the changes take you in surprise and swallow you whole, so that you have no time left to even get used to the idea before its already happened." Doc swallowed. His hands, now slightly trembling, were caressing Ren`s back and ears, drawing soothing circles, comforting both of them.
Ren raised his head slightly, looking up at Doc. His eyes were wide in recognition.
Doc never talked about his early days, about what had happened or how he dealt with the loss. Never even mentioned or referenced it nowadays. Ren felt sadness rise in him at being a reminder to Doc of his own troubles. His hand rose up, and caressed Doc`s face, cupping it gently. He leaned closer, until their foreheads touched.
Doc rarely cried, and this was not one of the occasions. Yet, Ren could feel the telltale sign of Do`c`s hands around him, his jaw trembling in Ren`s hands, the haunted look in his eyes that he tried to hide by closing them
They stayed like that for a while, until Doc pulled Ren even closer. Their lips met and Ren let out a happy sigh. Separating again, Doc gently cradled Rens face now in his hands. Doc`s eyes were filled with fiery determination, that burning drive to make things better that Ren so loved, and love, too. Doc`s baritone voice reverberate through him, powerful like thunder yet contained in a gentle whisper like a breeze.
"Believe me, it will get better. The bad things...those will pass, and then there`ll just be the mundane life. I`ve been through it, and I know for a fact there is a way to get out. To get. Better." He stumbled on the last word, not used to really putting into words his past experiences or how he related to them or felt about them now.
"I'll be there to help you through it every step of the way." A light kiss on top of Ren's nose. So gentle. So loving.
Ren let out a small content hum. It was somehow even more silent now. The night had fallen proper, even though the edge of the sky still held some light. The world was sleeping, and they were the only two awake right now.
Awake, and there for each other. Through everything.
"Thank you, Doc."
"Anytime, my love."