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Jn: “Unnie, are you awake?”
Jennie took a peek into Jisoo’s room. She found the older girl was lying on her bed, wrapped up in her blanket, and holding her phone.
Js: “Yeah, why are you not sleeping, Jennie? It’s late.”
Jisoo lifted her head up to meet Jennie’s eyes.
Jn: “You’re not too.”
She entered the room without asking permission. She didn’t have to anyways. Sneeking into Jisoo’s bed was kinda a routine for her whenever she had trouble falling asleep. Jennie found Jisoo’s bed is somewhat to be more comfortable than hers. Especially if the owner were in it too.
Jennie crawled up to the other side of the bed, then lied beside Jisoo. She faced to the left, staring at the person who was still busy with her phone.
Jn: “Unnie, what are you doing with that, this late? Put it down, I need to cuddle,”
Jennie pouted while giving her ultimate puppy eye to the older. She knew Jisoo always falls for it. Everytime.
Js: “Hhh, fine,”
Jisoo locked her phone off then put it down.
Js: “… come here.”
Jisoo spread her arms open so Jennie could slip into them. Jennie moved closer, wrapped her right arm around Jisoo’s waist, and sank her face to the older’s chest.
Js: “What? Why are you not turning around? I thought I was gonna spoon you.”
Jisoo was a little confused, because usually what Jennie meant by cuddling is spooning.
Jn: “I just wanna be facing you, I’m bored with that position.”
Jennie answered with a little smile.
Js: “You know, that means you’re too often sneaking into my bed, Jendeuki.”
Jisoo said, while putting both of her hands around Jennie’s body, not actually complaining. She actually likes it whenever Jennie was being clingy to her. It warms her heart, and Jennie always smells incredible too, especially at night before she goes to bed. She smells like an actual baby.
They both closed their eyes, trying to sleep. Jisoo wasn’t actually sleepy yet. But being with Jennie always makes her calmer, hence giving her a chance to fall asleep easier.
Jn: “Unnie, you asleep yet?”
Js: “No.”
Jn: “I can’t sleep.”
Js: “Were you having a nightmare?”
Jn: “No, I just went to pee and I couldn’t get back to sleep.”
Js: “You’re not taking your pills?”
For the past few months, Jennie has been taking sleeping pills to help her sleep. They were actually given by her doctor because Jennie has been having trouble falling asleep. She often gets nightmares too, so she takes her pills whenever she finds difficulties at night.
Jn: “No I didn’t. You know I’m trying not to take them too often, Unnie.”
Js: “Good. I’d rather having you in my bed every night anyways than you taking those pills too often.”
Jennie smiled a little. She always loves the way Jisoo is so attentive towards her.
Jn: “But, seriously tho Unnie, I’m not even sleepy anymore. Maybe because we had no schedule today.”
Js: “Yeah, me too—”
Jisoo loosen her arms a bit. Jennie moved her body away a little, giving them a little space in between. They were still facing each other.
Js: “—It’s weird, some of the days our schedule is jammed packed like there’s no tomorrow, and then the other days we have no activities at all.”
Jn: “I know, right. But that’s okay, though. I sometimes need a day completely off like this. Cause I know it would be so much harder for us to get a day off once we have finally debuted.”
Js: “Hahahaha… You’re so confident, Jendeuki—”
She runs her hand through Jennie’s hair. Jisoo loves it every time Jennie is being optimistic, which is rare. She just often complains and gets worried about everything.
Js: “—I like it when you’re being optimistic.”
Jn: “Yah! Unnie! I’m not a pessimist!”
Jennie gave Jisoo a little push, protesting the older’s words about her.
Js: “Kekeke.. yeah, I know, I know.”
Jn: “I just feel like YG often treats us however they please, you know that, right? I’m just sticking up for all of us.”
Js: “Yeah, I know. And you’re so brave, Jennie.”
Jn: “I’m actually a little curious about you, Unnie.”
Jennie looked up to meet Jisoo’s eyes.
Jn: “You rarely get angry. You often hold your emotions to yourself, even at times when I know—I know—for sure that you are furious about something too—”
Jennie paused for a second.
Jn: “—why is that, Unnie?”
Jennie let put a little serious question. Jisoo looked up to the ceiling, trying to find the right words to answer the question.
Js: “Hmmm,”
Jisoo pursed her lips, and thought for a second for her answer.
Js: “—I don’t know. I just don’t want to add on the heavy air in the room, most of the times. You know how things usually go whenever we got bad news or something didn’t go as planned, don’t you? Things got crowded easily, hahaha..”
Jisoo laughed a little to keep her answer light.
Js: “.. Chaeng easily got into a bad mood, Lisa usually just keeps whining around, and you—”
Jisoo poke Jennie’s nose with her index finger.
Js: “—you always get so angry, and start spitting words to people. You’re scary when you’re mad, you know that?”
Jn: “Yah! Unnie!—”
Jennie pouted, but she had to admit what Jisoo just said. They were all correct.
Jn: “But.. aren’t you tired though?”
Js: “Of what?”
Jn: “Of being our rock every single time.”
Jennie looked deep into Jisoo’s eyes once again, almost seemed like trying to find the answer there.
Jisoo remained silent for a while.
Js: “No.”
Jn: “No?”
Js: “No.”
Jn: “Really?”
Jennie was still curious, unsatisfied with the short answer.
Js: “Really. Well, that doesn’t mean that I’m just okay with everything they do to us. I’m often mad too, you know? But I know that you guys do feel the same too. So, I feel like I don’t have to get all angry. Besides, who’s gonna calm us down if I get all emotional too?”
Jn: “Unnie..”
Jennie was a little startled from the answer. She cupped Jisoo’s face with both of her hands, looking deeper into Jisoo’s eyes.
Jn: “I don’t want you to feel like it’s your duty to take care of us, to keep us safe. We’re more than capable of taking care of ourselves. I don’t want you to repress your feelings just to make us feel protected. Your feelings matter too, Unnie. It’s not healthy to hold emotions back. You have to get it out, it’s okay.”
Jennie said those words with the softest tone possible. She was genuinely worried about the matter.
Js: “It’s okay, jendeuki—”
Jisoo smiled.
Js: “—I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Don’t worry, I express my feelings in my own ways.”
Jn: “Like how? I think we’ve never actually seen you cry. Even once. Like, how is that possible??”
Js: “Hmmm….”
Jisoo thought for a second.
Js: “… I guess, whenever I’m alone.”
Jn: “Really??”
Js: “Yeah, really. I think I’m more comfortable that way. You know I’ve never been good with feelings, Jennie.”
Jn: “Unnie…”
Jennie just realized that maybe she didn’t know her best friend enough, despite being trainees and practically living together for 5 years.
Jn: “Unnie, I get it. Not all people have their emotions on the surface. But, it’s us. We’ve been living together for years, we’re probably closer with each other than with our own families. I can understand if you wanna be strong in public, but here? With us? Don’t you wanna get them out a little? Seriously Unnie, I’m starting to feel like a bad friend for not noticing and asking you about this thing much sooner—”
Js: “Hey, hey, hey—”
Jisoo interrupted her.
Js: “Nobody is being a bad friend. Calm down, Jendeuk. I chose to act like that, remember? You don’t have to worry.”
Jn: “AHA! See? That’s your catchphrase!”
Jennie pointed a finger to Jisoo’s face.
Js: “What is?”
Jn: “That! ‘Don’t worry’. That’s your catchphrase. You always say that to us.”
Jisoo got shocked a little, she didn’t even realize how often she uses that phrase.
Js: “Really? No. I don’t think so.”
Jn: “Yes you do, Unnie. Whenever we were having trouble, you would say; ’Don’t worry Jennie—don’t worry Chaeng—don’t worry Lisa—don’t worry guys, everything will be okay’, and then you always try to get things right behind our backs, alone. Without us knowing.”
All of a sudden, Jennie recalled a lot of times Jisoo had always been very calm in facing problems that came their ways. She would say that everything was going to be okay, and then the next thing she did, she would come up to their managers or their producers and talk some things out on behalf of the group. Weirdly, surprisingly, she often got things back on track somehow.
Js: “Well, I think I’m just good at dealing with people. I just know that, at the end, everybody just wants the best for everybody, don’t you think? It’s just that sometimes we fail to understand one another. Sometimes we forget to communicate a little further to actually come to a better decision and we always want what’s easy. And that just leaves the other party in a harder condition. You realize that we are a bunch of girls who are often very emotional, right? I’m just trying to be the more logical here.”
Jisoo gave her explanation. Jennie was silent for a little while. She was always so amazed by Jisoo’s mind. How she thinks, how she judges and how she receives the world. She’s always positive. It’s like she makes everything so easy and understandable.
Jn: “Wow—”
That was the only reaction Jennie could give.
Jn: “—you know, I’ve always admired you, Unnie. I wish I could be like you.”
Js: “Hahahaha… Oh come on! Don’t make a big deal out of it, Jennie. I love our group dynamics. We complete each other. Nobody has to be like anybody else.”
Jennie smiled in silence. She always loved their late night talks. There’s always something new about Jisoo that Jennie discovers every time they have deep conversations, and that always mesmerizes her.
Jennie rolled her body away, facing up to the ceiling. It’s getting very late, but she felt a little hungry.
Jn: “Unnie, I’m hungry.”
Js: “Yeah? I think I am too. You wanna cook some ramyun? Or we could order in.”
Jn: “How bout we get out of here?”
Jennie shifted her head to look at Jisoo.
Js: “What? This late?”
Jn: “Come on, Unnie. That Tteokbokki place by the corner is open 24 hours. And I want some fish cakes too.”
Js: “But it’s cold outside. You sure you don’t wanna just order in?”
Jn: “And order what? Some fast food? I don’t feel like eating junk food right now.”
Jennie got her body up, sat down, at looked at Jisoo behind her who was still lying down.
Jn: “Come on, Unnie. Autumn weather is nice. Besides, we won’t have any schedule till tomorrow evening. We could sleep till afternoon.”
Js: “Urgh, fine. But you’re buying!”
15 minutes later, they were both outside YG dorm building. They managed to get out of the dorm without waking Chaeyoung and Lisa up. They both wore clothes that mostly covered their faces. With caps and scarfs. Their managers don’t forbid them to go out without supervision, as long as it’s not too far and they are careful not to draw too much attention. Besides, they were not yet revealed as the members of YG’s new girl group anyways. So basically, nobody know`s who they were yet. But rumors have started on the media. So they had to be a little careful.
They walked down the street to the tteokbokki place Jennie was talking about. Jennie slipped her hand into Jisoo’s arm, searching for warmth and comfort. The weather was nice, as expected. The sky was clear and stars shone bright. And the traffic was silent too. Just some street lights and a few cars passing by.
Js: “This is nice.”
Jisoo admitted. She never though that night walks actually feel really good.
Jn: “See? I told you. Ah, I can’t wait till winter.”
Jennie has always loved winter. She doesn’t actually know why, but she loves the serendipity vibe of winter. Everything white and clean. And, you know, more reasons to cuddle with Jisoo every night.
Js: “Hey, by the way, have you seen the photos yet?”
Jn: “The one for the posters? Some of them, yeah.”
Js: “Really? I haven’t seen it. I forgot.”
Jn: “They are on the drive. You should check it out. They are really good!”
Jennie got excited thinking of those photos for their upcoming debut as Blackpink.
Js: “Really?”
Jn: “Yeah! Oh my god, I just can’t wait till that day come. Are you nervous??”
Jennie grabbed Jisoo’s arm in enthusiasm.
Js: “Huh, not really.”
Jn: “You’re not??”
Js: “Maybe a little. What’s to be nervous about? We are ready to do this. We’ve been trainees for years, Jennie. If anything, I even wanted to debut much sooner, if necessary. The only thing I’m nervous about is if there’s something that we missed, or not prepared enough of what we would be facing out there.”
Jn: “Wow, you’re so confident, Unnie. You know, I wanted this really bad. But sometimes I’m just scared of the what ifs, you know? What if I’m not good enough? What if something went wrong on our debut stage? What if people don’t like us?? Urgh! My heart is beating really fast just thinking about it.”
Js: “Just don’t overthink it. It will just make you stressed out. We all know what everybody is working for the best. We’ve got the best team. And we’ve got each other, remember? It doesn’t matter what people would think about us. As long as we’re doing what we love, that’s all that matters, right?”
Jn: “But we need people to like us, Unnie. Unless, we’re not gonna survive in the industry.”
Js: “Yeah, that’s true. But we have to like us first before wanting anybody else to like us too. We have to believe in ourselves, then people will just come along with it. and I know for sure that I believe in us. All four of us. We’ve got this.”
Jn: “Well, I believe in us too. I just don’t wanna let everybody down, Unnie. Everybody has worked so hard for us. The thought of letting them down really scares the shit outta me.”
Js: “I know. But then again, nobody can guarantee of the future. Not us, not our producers, not anyone. That’s why we prepare everything as best as we can and keep our mind positive. Aren’t you tired of worrying about everything, Jen?”
Jn: “Urgh I don’t know! It’s just me, Unnie! I think worrying just comes naturally for me.”
Js: “Hahahaha!! Well you know what, I think that’s one of your charm, Jennie Kim.”
Jn: “What? What do you mean?”
Jennie looked over to Jisoo, wanting some more explanation.
Js: “You worry about everything, but that just means that you care. You always care of your surroundings, Jennie. And you always wanted the best, that’s why. And that’s awesome, I think. We need that perfectionist side of yours. It’s just that, when you worry, you sometimes don’t know when to stop. Hahahaha..”
Jisoo teased the younger, making her grin at the words.
Jn: “Yah! Unnie!—”
But Jennie just couldn’t stop smiling from the compliment.
They reached the tteokbokki booth by the street corner, and then ordered some food.
Js: “Can we have two sets of tteokbokki, two fish cakes, and 2 cups of tea, please?”
They waited by the booth while looking at the street. It was quiet, but not dead silent. It was calm with a nice view of the city lights surrounding them.
Jn: “Have you always wanted this, Unnie?”
Js: “Wanted what?”
Jn: “This. All of this. Doing the show business. Becoming an idol.”
Js: “I wanted to become a race car driver when I was a kid.”
Jn: “What?? Really?!”
Jennie laughed a little loud. Surprised by the unexpected answer.
Js: “Hahahaha.. yeah, really. When I was a kid. I just thought that they are really cool, you know? Appa loved watching the F1 back then. And sometimes I would sit beside him and watch the thing to keep him company. Oppa didn’t like it so much, so he never watched it with Appa. And I think I was too young to know what it was all about. The TV was on, so I watched anything that was on. Hahaha..”
Jn: “Hahahaha.. that’s ridiculous! I never knew about that!”
Js: “Well, it didn’t last long, tho. By the time I got into—oh—”
Jisoo got interrupted cause their orders are ready. Jennie paid for the food and they started walking back to the dorm.
Jn: “Unnie, let’s sit at the park and eat this.”
Js: “What? You don’t wanna just go back? Aren’t you tired? Besides, we’re gonna be screwed if our managers knew about this.”
Jn: “No I’m not tired. And we’re gonna go back just as soon as we’re finished with the food. They’re not gonna notice we’ve been gone, I promise!”
Js: “Hhhh.. Okay then, let’s go.”
Jennie and Jisoo proceed to walk across the street to a small park by the street.
Jn: “So, you were saying?”
Js: “Ah, yeah. So, by the time I was in high school, I started to think of being in the entertainment industry. I just love the idea of entertaining people, you know? And I’ve always admired those actors and actresses and idols on TV. I just thought they were cool. I never gave it a deep thinking, though.”
Jn: “Oh yeah? So then, when is it when you made up your mind to become a trainee?”
Js: “Huh, probably not too far before I graduated school. I just knew that nothing fits me other than this. Well, I wanted to be an actress at first tho, I’ve told you about that, right?”
Jn: “Ah, yeah, you have.”
Js: “Has your mom always been okay with you being an idol?”
Jn: “Hmm.. I think so. She never had a word of what I should become. She just lets me be anything I want. Cool, right? I thought she would be all controlling, since I’m an only child. But no, she has always been very supportive. So I’m really greatful for her.”
They reached the park and searched for a bench to sit. When they got one, they sat there and opened the plastic bag of food. They enjoyed eating while looking at the city view surrounding them.
Js: “That’s excellent. Well, I think you were born to do this, Jennie. And oh hey, anyways, I think it’s been a while since I saw your mom.”
Jn: “Oh yeah! Well, we’ve been busy, that’s why. I haven’t even seen her for a while. I think we gotta ask to have an off weekend before the debut, right? I wanna see Eomma first before the debut.”
Js: “Yeah, that’s right. Let’s talk about that tomorrow. I’m sure Chaeng would wanna too. And I’ll just bring Lisa home with me.”
Jn: “alright.”
It was silent for a little while, just them chewing on the food they ordered.
Jn: “Speaking of school—”
Jennie broke the silence.
Jn: “How come you haven’t told me much of your school days, Unnie? I think I’ve told you all of my stories when I was in school.”
Js: “What? No, that’s not true! I’ve told you much about it!”
Jn: “Only that you were never good with subjects and about that time when you joined the school choir. Other than that, I don’t know anything else!”
Js: “Oh, really? Well I think my school days are not that interesting. I was a mediocre student, Jennie. Unlike you, I didn’t join the school’s cooking extracurricular and win a contest on behalf of the school hahahahaha!!”
Jn: “Hey! I’m really proud of that, thankyou very much. And besides, you all get to enjoy the food that comes from my love of cooking, don’t you??”
Js: “Hahahaha.. right, right. Sorry.”
Jisoo just loves teasing Jennie. She’s cute when she’s angry.
Jn: “And so, what about other things? First love? First boyfriend, first kiss??”
To be really honest, Jennie has always wondered about that for a very long time.
Js: “Hmmm.. I had my first kiss with a boy when I was in senior—”
Jn: “What?? Really?? Who?! Was he handsome??”
Js: “Urgh, calm down, Deuki. No, I’m not giving away any names. And yeah, he was kinda cute. But I don’t know, I’m not even sure if I could call him my boyfriend, tho. We went our for just like a month.”
Jn: “Why?”
Js: “I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t fall that hard for him.
Jn: “Ah, come on, Unnie! What’s his name??”
Js: “Nooo!! I know you, Jendeuk. I know you’re gonna tease me non stop if I gave up names. I’m not falling for your begging hahahaha!”
Jn: “Urgh you’re no fun, Unnie. I told you everything about my high school crushes!”
Js: “How bout this, I will tell you his name the moment you got a new boyfriend. How’s that??”
Jisoo teased Jennie with the biggest grin on her lips. She knows Jennie is the type of girl who plays hard to get with boys. She has a very high standard, Jisoo thought that that was the reason why the girl rarely went on a second date with any boy she dates.
Jn: “YAH! UNNIE! You know it would be hard for us to date around this time! We’ve got no time!”
Js: “Hahahaha.. U-huh, Jennie. I think we both know the main reason why you never went out on second dates is because you’re looking for an actual prince charming! I know you’re beautiful and deserve the best but, honey, come on, cut them some slack already.”
Jn: “Unnie, it’s not my fault that they are all annoying. Besides, I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now. I have to be focused with our debut.”
Jennie pouted and crossed both of her hand on her chest.
Js: “Hahahaha.. I know, I know. You’re doing great, Jennie.”
Jn: “So, anyways, how was he?”
Js: “How was who?”
Jn: “Don’t try to change the subject, Unnie. We were talking about your high school boyfriend.”
Js: “I told you, he was not my boyfriend.”
Jn: “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. So, was he popular? Was he in the same choir group as you??”
Js: “Huh. I actually kinda forgot. I think he was okay. He wasn’t the most popular boy, but he had many friends if I’m not mistaken. But again, we didn’t go out for a long time back then. So I didn’t know much about him anyways.”
Jn: “And how was your first kiss??”
Js: “Uhmm.. It was… okay, I think?”
Jn: “You think?”
Js: “I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t feel all the fusses that was told about first kisses. It was okay. I just didn’t feel the sparks that I think I should’ve felt.”
Jn: “Huh. Maybe he was just not a good kisser, Unnie.”
Js: “Hahahha.. yeah, probably not.”
Jn: “Was it on your first date?”
Js: “Oh god, no! I don’t remember on what date it happened, but certainly not on our first date. First dates are always awkward. But I remembered we kissed in front of my house, when he dropped me off after a date.”
Jn: “Really?? Did Eomma see it?”
Js: “What? No! of course not. Well I don’t know, she never mentioned it. So I guess no one saw us.”
They were finished with the food. They didn’t get up and went home immediately, tho. They just sat there, looking at the view. Jennie moved closer to Jisoo and rested her head on the older’s shoulder.
Jn: “So why did you guys break up?”
Js: “I told you, I just didn’t fall for him.”
Jn: “That’s it?”
Js: “That’s it.”
Jn: “Urgh you’re right. Your high school days are not exciting.”
Js: “Told ya.”
It was silent for a while. They were just enjoying being in each other’s company. They never mind the silence anyways. Their friendship has passed to the point where they actually enjoy being in an awkward silence. They don’t need to do much to make each other comfortable.
Jennie was sunk into her own thoughts about the girl sitting next to her. She thought that she knew her pretty well. But, she realized that there’s still so much to be revealed about Kim Jisoo. She just realized that this bubbly, bright, happy girl, who never fails to make the people around her laugh, had a side that most certainly not everyone knew about. The girl is unique. She could act like an actual kid who jumps here and there with never ending bickering when paired with Lisa, but then the next minute she could turn into the most intelligent, most caring, and most mature person Jennie has ever known. In hard situations, Jennie, Chaeyoung, and Lisa always look up for Jisoo’s opinion and judgements. She makes the wisest decision and none of them ever doubted that about her. Jisoo is the kind of person who sticks up for the person she cared about, in the most unique, subtle, unexpected way.
But that just made Jennie think, that for the most times she knew that Jisoo was a very cheerful and upbeat person, and an actual social butterfly, made her somewhat a very mysterious person when it comes to showing her true emotions. Jennie thought that maybe she has been carrying the weight of being the oldest member, and that made her often hide her feelings so that the other members would always feel protected. And oh boy was it a heavy lift. Jennie thought of the times Jisoo was definitely hiding her true emotions to think logically and tried to solve things out. In those situations, Jennie always thought that that was just how Jisoo works. She thinks logically, no feelings involved. She gets the job done and that’s it. But then Jennie realized, there is not a single person on earth that never had their hearts broken, or simply had a day off where they just don’t want to care anymore. But Jisoo never had that. Or at least that anyone knew of. Jennie cares about Jisoo, probably more than anyone knew. And she hates that it turned out that she actually didn’t know enough about her. She wants Jisoo to be able to express her whole nature when she’s with her. Jennie wants to be her comfort. Her home.
Jn: “Unnie?”
She has to know better. She has to.
Js: “Hm?”
Jn: “What treat do you give to yourself?”
Her voice was calm, unintimidating. Jennie didn’t want to make Jisoo uncomfortable.
Js: “Huh?”
Jn: “Yeah, what do you do to treat yourself?”
Js: “Hmm… I got new bedsheets the other day. They were actually really—”
Jn: “No, Unnie,”
Jennie interrupted her.
Jn: “What do you do for yourself? What do you do when you feel like everything was just too much? How do you give yourself a break every time you feel like everything was going rough in your ways?”
Jisoo was silent for a moment.
Jn: “—well?”
Js: “Hmm…”
Jennie could feel like Jisoo was being very careful in answering her question. So she waited for her. She didn’t want to rush anything. After a while, Jisoo finally spoke.
Js: “Being with you.”
Jennie was clammed up.
Jn: “….What?”
Js: “Just being with you. Talking with you, cuddling with you, watching movies with you. I give that to myself.”
Jennie didn’t know how to respond. None of them moved from where they were. They just kept staring at the front, but not at all awkward. Jisoo answered her question in the calmest way. Calm, but certain.
Js: “I know myself, Jennie.”
Jisoo broke the silence.
Js: “I know who I am. I may appear like the strongest person you guys have ever met. I don’t cry easily, I don’t whine, even when I’m angry, it’s never personal. I don’t take it to the heart.”
Jennie listened to the girl intently.
Js: “But it would be lying if I said that I never felt tired of…. This. All of this. It would be lying if I said I’ve never got my heart broken too. But, you really don’t have to worry. Really. In fact, I think I should be thanking you.”
Jn: “Me?”
Js: “Yeah. You.”
Jn: “Why me?”
Js: “You make me calm. That’s it. When I look at you, when I talk to you—about anything, doesn’t have to be about the things that was going on in my way—you make me calm. I don’t know why, but being with you and having you along the way makes me feel like anything is possible. That I don’t have to worry. Because I have you.”
Jennie felt like crying. But she tried so hard to keep it inside.
Js: “Was that what you meant?”
Jennie nods, her head was still on Jisoo’s shoulder.
Jn: “Unnie?”
Jennie couldn’t hide it anymore. She had to say it right then.
Js: “Hm?”
Jn: “Have you ever been in love?”
Js: “In love?”
Jn: “Yeah. In love.”
Js: “Love is a strong word, Jennie.”
Jn: “Yeah, I know. But have you?”
Js: “I’m actually not sure yet.”
Jn: “What do you mean?”
Js: “Well, sometimes, when you have a strong feeling about some….one, or something, you thought that, ‘this must be love’. But then again, you can’t be all that sure if it was actually love, if you have never been heart broken just as strongly as how you feel that kind of love in the first place. The only way you know what love is, is by knowing how heartbreak feels like. It’s the same way with happiness. You won’t know what happiness is if you didn’t know what sadness is. Does that make sense?”
Jn: “Well I guess we’re different on this, Unnie.”
Js: “Yeah? Why?”
Jn: “Because I have never been broken as much as I’m falling in love like this, but I know for sure that I’m definitely in love.”
Js: “Oh.”
It’s Jisoo’s turn to be left wordless.
Js: “You are in love?”
Jn: “I’ve been falling in love. I am in love. I am being in love. Whatever you wanna call it.”
Js: “How come I didn’t know about this?”
Somehow, Jennie could hear a disappointment in Jisoo’s tone.
Jn: “Because I chose not to tell you. Well until now, at least.”
Js: “Well then who is the lucky guy?”
Jn: “It’s not a guy.”
Js: “What? Well then who? Kuma?”
Jn: “Urgh Unnie! No!”
Jennie swore to God if He made this the hardest confession ever.
Js: “Well then who??”
Jn: “I met this girl, about four years ago.”
Jennie started with a narrative.
Jn: “From the moment I met her, we hit it pretty quickly. We became instant bestfriend, we became trainees together.”
Jisoo was silent.
Jn: “Months went by, years went by. We were never separated. I went through everything with her and I was there through everything she went through. We were so close.”
Jennie paused for a second.
Jn: “After a while, I started to question myself. Am I really feeling what I’m feeling? I wasn’t quite sure right away. But it became clearer and clearer, cause everything just started to not make sense without her. I felt like every little thing, every happiness I had, every laughter I had, even every sadness I had, was because of her. right then I knew, I’m in love.”
Another pause. Jisoo was listening. She didn't interrupted her.
Jn: “You know why I know that we’re different on seeing what love is? It’s because the only thing that could break my heart as strongly as the love I feel for her, is if I lost her.”
Pause.
Jn: “And I couldn’t even begin to imagine if it would ever happen. I couldn’t. So, no. I don’t have to experience heartbreak first before being sure that.. I’m in love.... with you, Unnie.”
Jisoo was silent.
Jn: “Unnie, I know this is a lot. I really don’t want you to feel like you have to answer, or do anything about it. I just want you to know how I feel. That’s it. I love things the way they are. Nothing has to change.”
Still silence from Jisoo. No one talked for several minutes.
Js: “Jennie?”
Jisoo finally let out her voice.
Jn: “Hm?”
Js: “You never asked me why I wasn’t sure if I’ve been in love, and why I measure love by heartbreaks.”
Jn: “Oh. Uhmm.. So why is it?”
Js: “It’s because day by day, I wondered if the heartbreak I feel every time the idea of her not having the same feelings for me came through my mind, was prove that I actually really, really, really love her.”
Jennie was startled.
Js: “Every goddamn day I feel my love and heartbreak hit at the same time, makes me think that maybe those two always come simultaneously.”
Jennie still remained silent. Her heart was beating really fast. They didn’t move a bit from the prior position.
Then all of a sudden, Jisoo’s left hand cupped Jennie’s right cheek, then she lifted her head up and faced the older girl. Jisoo turned her body towards Jennie, and lifted her right hand up to cup Jennie’s left cheek. Jisoo’s hands were warm. Jennie could feel the warmth running through her body.
They look into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. Surprisingly, it felt comfortable. It felt familiar. It didn’t feel awkward and not at all rushed.
Then Jisoo leaned in and Jennie closed her eyes. Jisoo pressed her lips on Jennie’s. The two girls felt an unexplainable sensation going through their whole body that they have never had before. It was overwhelming and yet felt right at the same time. It was all they have ever wanted for a very long time.
And then, unexpectedly, Jennie felt something warm ran down her cheek.
But she wasn’t crying.
They broke the kiss and rested their foreheads on each other’s.
Jisoo was the one crying.
Jn: “Jisoo Unnie, are you crying?”
Jisoo smiled.
Js: “I’m just really happy, Jendeuki.”
Jisoo pulled Jennie’s body in for a hug. She hugged her tight. It was the best hug Jennie ever received from someone. They both closed their eyes to ignore all the senses and let their hearts take charge on this. Jisoo ran her hand through Jennie’s hair, bringing the girl closer.
And they stayed like that for a while.
Jn: “Unnie?”
Js: “Hm?”
Jn: “How long have you known?”
Js: “Known what?”
Jn: “That you liked girls.”
30 minutes later, they were still sitting on the same bench, talking with each other while looking at the view in front of them.
Js: “Hmm, I guess I never actually considered myself as a heterosexual. I don’t know, I just don't really care about gender. I like who I like, I love who I love. Gender doesn’t really matter for me.”
Jn: “So have you ever had a crush on girls?”
Js: “Here and there, I guess so. But you know, it’s just a crush. I just felt like I’m attracted, that’s all. But I have never had the kind of feeling I have for you.”
Jisoo said those words nonchalantly. Like she was really sure of every single word she said, but that was enough to make Jennie blush.
Jn: “So how come you’ve never said anything to me?”
Js: “I was too afraid.”
Jn: “Really? You? I thought you’re not afraid of anything, Unnie.”
Js: “Oh come on, Jennie. Every single person must be scared of something, right?”
Jn: “Well yeah, I mean, I guess I’ve always thought that you were always so confident about things that you know for sure. And you seemed like you were pretty sure about things you just told me.”
Js: “I do. I’m sure about my feelings, but I’m not sure about yours.”
Jn: “Oh.”
Js: “Funny thing about admitting your feelings to somebody else, Jennie, is that you’re never sure what’s on the other side. It’s like, the biggest gambling you could ever play and also comes with the highest cost there is. And you know me, right? I don’t like uncertain things. I don’t like gambling. And the cost was just too high. I might lose you.”
Jn: “You would never lose me, Unnie..”
Js: “I know. I’m just afraid of the idea of losing you. I’m willing to sacrifice my feelings and let everything just be the way they are, if it meant that I could be with you as long as I can be. I just don’t want to lose you, Jennie.”
Jennie turned Jisoo’s head to face her. She leaned in and gave a soft kiss on Jisoo’s lips.
Jn: “You are not going to lose me, okay? You won’t. I promise.”
Jisoo gave her a smile.
Js: “So how bout you? How did you know?”
Jn: “Well, to be honest, I don’t know either. I actually thought that I could only be attracted to boys, until I met you. You are actually the first girl I have a crush on.”
Js: “Really?”
Jn: “Yeah. And I was never prepared that that crush could lead into something so much deeper than just some temporary feelings.”
Js: “So what about those boys you date?”
Jn: “’Those boys’?? Urgh come on, Unnie. I only dated like, probably 2 boys since I’ve known you. And you know pretty damn well that none of them ever lasts.”
Js: “Hahahaha.. I told you, you have too high of a standard, Jennie.”
Jn: “Well, in my defense, you didn’t know why I have such high standard.”
Js: “Okay, why is that, then?”
Jn: “It’s because I’ve always had you as the comparison.”
Js: “What?”
Jn: “Yeah.”
Js: “You compared me with those stupid boys??”
Jn: “No! it’s not like that. In fact, I compare them to you, not the other way around. I fell in love with you so hard to the point where I thought I’m in love with the idea of you. I’ve always searched for someone that could make me feel the way I feel about you. I’ve always wanted to find someone who could love me the way you love me. And you didn’t even have to say anything, but I knew I just love the way you love me from the very beginning, Unnie.”
Jisoo was silent.
Jn: “If anything, I actually don’t have high standards. It’s just that you are incomparable, that’s why.”
Js: “And now you just made me regret of not telling you I love you much sooner.”
Jn: “Hahahahah!! Don’t be, Unnie!—”
Jennie squeezed Jisoo’s body in a tight hug.
Jn: “It will happen when it happens, at the right place in the right time. What matters is now. I don’t care about the past.”
Jisoo smiled.
Js: “So have you come out to anyone yet?”
Jn: “Uhm, no. Not yet. Sometimes I thought of talking to Eomma, but I chickened out every time.”
Js: “Why not? I’m sure she’d take it just fine. She’s been very supportive of every single decision you make, jennie.”
Jn: “I know, I know. And yeah maybe I will. I haven’t had any situations that forced me to come out yet. I didn’t think it was urgent.”
Js: “How is it not urgent?? It’s literally about who you are, Jennie. It’s crucial.”
Jn: “Well i told you I like things the way they were with you. Well, I like what I have right now better of course. But, you know what I mean. Besides, what about you?? You haven’t come out to anyone either, have you?”
Js: “Well in my defense, my family is a lot more conservative than yours, Jennie.”
Jn: “U-huh. The point is, we are in the same shoes here.”
She loved teasing the older girl.
Js: “Hahahhaha.. Okay, okay.”
Jn: “And don’t worry, we’re gonna get through this together.”
Js: “Huh.”
Jn: “What?”
Js: “You? telling me not to worry? That’s very unlikely. It felt weird.”
Jn: “YAH! Unnie! You ruined the moment!”
And Jisoo always finds a way to get back at her.
Js: “Congratulations by the way, you just proved me wrong.”
Jn: “Prove what?”
Js: “About love. I guess I don’t have to feel heartbreaks before I knew that I love you.”
Jennie blushed.
Jn: “Well, I guess I just gave you another treat right there.”
Js: “Indeed.”
Jn: “Unnie?”
Js: “Hm?”
Jn: “So now what? How is this gonna work?”
Js: “I told you, don’t think too much about it. We’ll figure something out, I promise. But right now, we just have to keep this to ourselves first, okay? I’m sure we’re gonna be fine. We’ve got each other.”
Jn: “What about Chaeyoung and Lisa?”
Js: “What about them?”
Jn: “Well, do we tell them??”
Js: “Sure.”
Jn: “Really??”
Js: “Yeah, I’m sure they’re gonna be fine. We just have to find the right time to tell them.”
Jn: “You really sure they’re gonna be fine with this?”
Js: “Oh please. I think it’s only time they come clean about the fooling around behind our backs too. I’m sure they’re gonna handle our news just fine.”
Jn: “Hahahha.. right. I’m still confused why they haven’t come out already. I mean, it’s us. We’re practically living together. Don’t they realize that we know everything about what was happening even about things behind closed doors?”
Js: “Haha, yeah, I know right. But I’m sure they got their reasons. Maybe they just didn’t want to change our dynamics. Hopefully if they found out about us, they would be comfortable telling us about them too.”
Jn: “Hm, do you think they’re exclusive tho?”
Js: “Well, I don’t know about that. But I just hope so. They’re actual soulmates. They are stupid if they still had the thought of seeing anybody else.”
Jn: “Hahahhaa! Yeah, exactly.”
They kept talking on that bench for a while. And then they realized that the sun was about to appear. They knew they might get screwed if they got caught, but they didn’t care. They’re willing to risk having to get scolded and grounded if that gave them a little more time to stay like that.
Js: “Oh hey, Jen?”
Jn: “Yeah?”
Js: “You never told me.”
Jn: “Tell you what?”
Js: “What’s your treat?”
Jn: “Oh.”
Js: “Yeah, you have to tell me too! What treat do you give yourself?”
Jn: “Hmmm…”
Jennie thought for a second.
Jn: “When I was having hard times…”
Jennie paused.
Jn: “…..well, you know, I’ll just buy myself a Chanel.”
She laughed and got up from the bench, running away from Jisoo.
Js: “YAH!! JENNIE KIM!! THAT’S NOT FAIR!!”
Jisoo got up and ran to catch up with Jennie. They ran all the way back home, with the brightest smile on their faces, despite haven’t been asleep all night.
But that’s okay, because they knew that from now on, they would have the greatest sleeps of their lives.