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Eiji had honestly forgotten, within everything that had happened the past few months. He knew that he only had a few of his prescribed antidepressants left, but he thought that maybe it would all come together without him having to speak to Ash. Or that he would, when the time was right.
But then they'd gone into hiding and everything started to pick up its pace, and he kept telling himself that Ash was too busy, or that it would distract him. He wasn't stupid, he knew Ash would never be bothered by having to care for Eiji- he knew that he likely would the second the brunet even coughed. But he knew that it wasn't smart for the boy to do so. Or safe. It had been suggested many times that he was Ash's weakness. And he recognized it to be true.
So maybe that's why he'd neglected to tell the other boy about his issue or ask him for a refill on the antidepressants that he was dangerously close to running out of.
'Actually', he thought as he rattled the pill bottle in his hands. 'I ran out.' It didn't hit him immediately, the reality of the situation. Not until he flashed back to the first time he'd ran out. Until he remembered the misery that was withdrawal. But could he truly bother Ash with this? When he was attempting to take down not only his child abuser but a mafia head? He was already a deadweight in this entire situation, not capable of existing in Ash's world without the other constantly looking after him and risking it all for his safety. How could he ask not only that of Ash but also to take care of such a small issue like this? Not to mention having to explain to Ash why he needed them in the first place.
'No,' he decided. 'I can't.'
He could deal with this on his own. Ash hadn't even been home for a few days, and while that stressed him out to an even larger point, it might've played in his favor. Perhaps he could try and get them on his own.
'Or maybe...' a small voice said in the back of his head ', you can just ask him. Tell him and realize that he cares enough about you not to send you back to Japan for something like being depr-'
Eiji clenched his eyes shut, unwilling to acknowledge it for fear of everything he'd built falling apart. In Japan, he'd started to become defined by what he was going through. His parents would look at him with pity, his sister with something like resentment, especially after his father had gone to the hospital with what the doctor said was a flare-up of his issue due to stress.
Eiji didn't think it was a coincidence that two days before...
He reviewed his options. He could either come clean to the boy, although he realized he had no idea how to contact him or where he was, or he could try and receive them on his own. In Japan, he'd attempted to do so in many ways that he wasn't proud of. He knew he would go as far in America, so long as there was no chance of Ash finding out.
But there was another issue. Since he really had no choice except going with the second option, he needed to get past Bones and Kong. They came around 10 A.M. and stayed until around 9 P.M. And other members of Ash's gang would drift in and out during that time period too, so there was no way of relying on the hope that he could get past just two.
'So,' he decided, 'I'll go at 10 P.M.'
The time arrived faster than he'd hoped. He couldn't deny his slight fear at the idea of sneaking out into the streets of NYC, full of tens of gang members who'd placed a target on his back due to their presumption that he had a relationship with Ash.
But as he slipped on his sneakers and stepped out of the door, taking the elevator down and walking a few steps out of the apartment building- he'd felt a hand wrap around his wrist. He gasped at the sudden feeling, but recognized who it was after a moment. Ash. Slowly turning, he was proven correct as he looked directly into green eyes.
"Ash," he started. "I was just about to go for a walk."
But the other boy's eyes stayed cold, and he glanced around them for a few moments, staring particularly over Eiji's shoulder. Eiji attempted to turn, but Ash grabbed his chin gently and turned him back around, ushering the boy back inside the building with an intense focus in front of him, not looking back at Eiji at all even as they arrived back to the apartment.
The entire walk there, Eiji couldn't help but curse himself repeatedly in his head. Of course, Ash would come back the one day he'd needed to leave. When they arrived, Eiji gingerly sat down on the couch, watching Ash stand in front of him like a parent about to lecture a child, refusing to face the brunet.
'Although,' a voice supplied. 'Isn't this the perfect time to tell him?' But when Ash finally faced him, his face set into a frown with what Eiji had learned to be fear burning in his eyes, he decided against it. He'd already caused enough problems.
"Why did you..." Ash trailed off, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Why would you leave? Didn't I tell you? People are after you, Eiji. You practically have a fucking target on your back!"
Eiji winced when the other raised his voice. They didn't fight. Well, they had once. But he still did not know how to react to Ash being angry with him, or how to be angry at Ash himself. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to go on a walk. It's not exactly easy being cramped up in an apartment all day. No matter how big." That was true. Eiji had learned that getting fresh air helped him a lot throughout his mental health struggle, and so it hadn't exactly been easy to abandon that practice and try and avoid relapsing recently. He'd gotten quite close a few times.
Ash's face softened slightly, and something like guilt flashed across his face. "I told you, Eiji. Go back to Japan. I can't offer you anything more than this unless I wanted to get you killed. "
Eiji grimaced. He knew that was true. Really, he did. But that didn't make any of this any easier. He couldn't leave Ash, but he rarely even saw him here. "You're never even..." He took a second. "I don't want to complain, because I know you're doing important things. But I never know where you are- or if you are safe-" And by now, the stress of the past few weeks settled in and Eiji felt his breathing pick up and his throat feel more and more choked up. Before he even knew it, tears were dripping down his face and he was shaking, barely noticing Ash's hands on him until he'd been embraced, the familiar scent of the other reaching through his haze and settling him.
'You can breathe,' he reminded himself. 'You're okay. You're not dying. Ash is right there. He's alive. He's safe.'
It hit him, that he was sitting there and having a panic attack while Ash went out every day and risked his life for his safety. And there he was complaining.
There was no way he could bother Ash about something like antidepressants when he'd already burdened him so much.
"I-I'm sorry." Eiji rubbed his tears away, loosening his arms where they wrapped tightly around the other. When had he even done that? "I shouldn't be complaining."
Ash didn't pull away, surprising the other when he just sighed quietly and moved the pair so that he was carrying Eiji bridal style. Eiji's face erupted bright red, but Ash didn't speak- not even to tease him. He walked them toward their bedroom, putting Eiji on his bed and embracing him again. Before Eiji could even realize it, he was sobbing into the others shoulder.
The withdrawal came faster and more intense than he thought. Maybe it was because he'd never missed a dose before, and now he'd gone about four days without the same pills he'd taken daily for over a year. He'd heard horror stories about it before, but he hadn't realized how miserable it was. Especially when he was trying to hide it from Ash.
That was another thing. Ash had begun to stay home more often. And he made an effort to spend more time with the other. Eiji knew it was selfish, but he couldn't find it in himself to care when he got to see the blonde safe and sound every day.
He really was horrible.
But he felt worse than he ever had in his whole life, so he supposed he'd received his karma.
He knew it would be quite difficult to hide from Ash. His first symptoms were feeling nauseous even at the thought of eating, having a pounding headache for hours on end, and shaking uncontrollably. He knew he looked just as bad, intense dark circles under his sickly and pale face.
And there was really only one way to make it go away unless he could hide it for about two weeks. Which he likely couldn't. Not from someone with an IQ of above 200.
He had no idea of what to do.
That night, when Ash came home around 7 P.M., he immediately noticed something off with the brunet. His hands were shaking where he made dinner in the kitchen, his face pale and sweaty. "Eiji." The blonde started from where he'd walked to stand by the other, who hadn't noticed his presence. He gently placed a hand on his shoulder, startling when the other stood still for a second before jumping with a gasp. "Hey, are you alright? You look sick."
But the boy didn't answer him, his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him while he seemingly tried to catch his breath. Before Ash realized what was happening, Eiji had pulled the garbage to himself and was on his knees. At the sound of retching, the taller boy cursed and grabbed water from the fridge, kneeling down next to him and placing a gentle hand on his back.
He heard small sobs from the trembling teen and gently whispered reassurances while he tried to understand what had happened. Eiji was upset a little bit ago, but overall he seemed fine. Maybe it was a bug?
But then... Something told him it was something more. Maybe it was the way that Eiji had looked at him recently. Hesitantly, as if he had something to say but couldn't get it out.
Regardless, he waited until the other seemed to be feeling well enough to not throw up again, and gently helped him up. "Can you walk?" His voice was gentle, trying not to disturb Eiji. Right as he finished his question, he saw dark hair flash by him as the boy fell forward, Ash catching him right before he could hit his head on the countertop. " Shit. "
When Eiji woke up, he knew something was wrong. He had a lapse in his memory from last night. He felt sick, his head pounding and extremely lightheaded. Even more, Ash was kneeling by his bed with a look of unbridled concern and anxiety. Still in a daze, Eiji reached a hand forward to stroke the blonde's cheek, smiling softly when the other's cheeks turned slightly red.
Ash recovered barely, plastering on a more straight face as he helped Eiji sit up and handed him a glass of water, pressing his face to be as emotionless as possible. Eiji took that as a sign that he wasn't doing very well.
"What happened?" Ash's voice was quiet, and Eiji was sure if he wasn't trying to listen then he wouldn't have heard it.
Eiji swallowed. "I haven't been fully honest with you." He winced when Ash's eyes narrowed slightly. He knew that it sounded bad, but he also knew that it was true. "I ran out of Zoloft a few days ago. I've been taking it for about a year, so..."
Eiji didn't want to look at Ash's reaction, but he couldn't help but glance at the other. He looked shocked for a moment, but trained his face back into a neutral expression. "I can get you a refill. I didn't know..." Ash trailed off, turning to the side before facing the brunet again. "It might take a few days. All of my people are getting attacked or running. But I'll get it. You could've... You know you could've told me."
Eiji didn't reply right away, looking down at the bedsheets and twisting his hands. He could've. In all reality, he knew he should've. But there was something in the back of his head, something that held him back. "I know... I just didn't want to stress you out. And I thought I could handle it."
It was silent again. Until he heard Ash sigh and gently grab his hand. "This isn't... I care about you Eiji. So much that's it's scary and I- I never want you to think that your problems would bother me. Forever. Right?"
Eiji felt tears dripping down his face before he truly processed the other's words. Instead of replying verbally, he nodded and squeezed Ash's hand lightly.
The next few days weren't easy. Eiji had tried to leave his bed a few times, but it either ended in the span of anywhere from one to sixty minutes when he either fell out of dizziness or threw up. Ash had stayed home as much as he could, but there was still a huge scheme going on, and he knew it would be better for both of their safety if he continued to work his ass off to get Dino.
Ash couldn't deny that it was also scary to see the way that the withdrawal made Eiji not quite there , a cloudy look in his eyes. He hated to see the boy in such a state, especially considering the similarity he had to Griffin. He didn't think he could handle being around Eiji when he was like that, so unlike the Eiji he knew. Even Bones and Kong were a little shocked to see Eiji in the state he was in. The brunet was usually as lively as he could be, keeping the gang in a good mood despite the situation. Without him fully functioning, the grimness of it all set in.
Eiji had tried to ignore his symptoms once, wandering into the kitchen and practically drifting around as he prepared tea for the blonde boy, who'd just arrived home. Bones and Kong had nervously glanced at him, claiming they'd tried to get him to go back to bed. Ash had dismissed them, a little more stern than he'd wanted to be.
"Eiji." He'd said, but the boy didn't seem to hear him.
That's when Ash noticed the smell of burning and cursed when he saw that Eiji was grabbing the metal kettle with his bare hands and pouring it into a cup. "Eiji, hey!" He rushed over to remove the other's hands, bringing them to rest under the cold water of the sink as he turned off the stove and tried to urge the smaller boy back into consciousness.
Roughly 10 minutes later, while he laid down with Ash kneeling next to the bed, while Eiji didn't seem to completely attach to reality again, he finally reached a state where he could carry out some form of conversation with Ash.
"Are you alright?" A small nod.
"Do your hands hurt?" It was hesitant, but another nod.
"Okay. I put some ointment on it but... You should rest. Stay in bed, Eiji." But the other shook his head, closing his eyes. Tears slowly slipped out, Ash reaching forward to brush them away even when he'd begun to cry himself.
Later, he'd hear from the other boy that it felt like he was floating in a way, dissociating more than he ever had during any episode. His symptoms disappeared a few days after getting a refill, but he and Ash still hadn't spoken about any of it.
There seemed to be a new understanding between the two of them, one that had gone unacknowledged for the time being.
The first time they talked about it, it was early morning after Ash had another nightmare, Eiji gently comforting the other by brushing his hands through his hair while he laid in bed next to him.
"Hey, Eiji?" Ash's voice was quiet.
"Hm?"
"Do you still... Do you have episodes, ever?"
Eiji hesitated, unsure of how to have this type of conversation. His family never wanted to speak about it, acting like it was some shameful thing that could go away if not spoken about.
"Sometimes. But there's... I used to have a lot more symptoms, like, all the time. I remember... A little while before I came to American I had been so... Angry. But also, out of it, if that makes sense? It's a blur, honestly. But I remember feeling so uninterested in everything. I barely even left my room, to be honest." Eiji wondered if he should continue, but then he saw Ash looking at him in a way that suggested he was listening. No one had ever listened to him about this. Maybe that's why he continued. "I didn't exactly make it better, either... I was in a very bad spot before I came here. I started to... I needed a way to cope with everything. I did some things I wasn't proud of." Eiji trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
"You don't have to tell me if you aren't comfortable," Ash's voice sounded sad, and Eiji wondered if his story would just depress him further.
"Ah, I don't want to make this about me. Are you feeling better?" He forced a smile onto his face, but he knew Ash would know it was fake.
"Eiji."
"I don't want to make you upset and... I have no right to complain, it's nothing like what happened to you."
Ash reached up and stroked his thumb along Eiji's cheekbone. " Eiji. "
And that was enough. "I... I don't want you to look at me like I'm some... I did some things. I had an... addiction, I think is the word. To some things," Eiji decided to leave out some parts of this story. He knew Ash wouldn't look at him the same if he shared. "But I'm fine now. Really. I have some small things, but I'm dealing better than I did."
Ash looked almost pained, all too knowing. "When's the last time?"
Eiji was silent for a few moments, avoiding looking at the other in the eye. "It was only once in America. It's much easier to get it here. But only once."
Ash exhaled shakily, "I'm sorry."
Eiji furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "Why are you sorry? Ash, if it weren't for you..."
"I should've paid more attention to you. I assumed that your life had been so nice but you've been keeping this to yourself this whole time... You can talk to me Eiji. Always. God, I didn't even... When?" Ash was crying softly, burying his face into Eiji's shoulder in an attempt to hide it, but Eiji could feel his shaking and the warm tears dripping onto his shirt.
"A few weeks ago." Eiji's voice trembled with guilt as he admitted it. But he knew he couldn't lie to him.
Ash's grip tightened on him, "I'm sorry." He repeated the words as he sobbed into Eiji's shoulder, the other gently rubbing his back.
Some things were better off being spoken about, but despite that Eiji had chosen to omit a few things that night.