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Kids, you already know this is the story of how I met your mother. Well, it's hard to forget since it feels like I've been babbling about this for years, but hey, y'know your ol' man loves to talk. Anyway, while I was stuck trying to find the one, there has been... situations that I probably shouldn't tell you of, but then again, there's a lot of stories I shouldn't have told you.
Okay, I'm going off the topic- you see, this story I'm about to tell you happened when I was a little... let's say far-too-much drunk senseless. Which is why you shouldn't drink or even think of it, because when you're drunk you do weird things you might regret in the morning. Like the one I did when I spent too much time alone at the apartment with your uncle Barney.
I can literally feel your mother telling me not to tell you this, but here it goes.
---
"Oh, c'mon Robin! Don't leave so early!" Ted practically begged, blocking Robin away from the door. Robin sighed. Apparently she had a date with this guy whose name always evaded Ted's mind, so he just started calling him That Guy.
That Guy and Robin started dating for two weeks now and they seemed to love spending way too much time together doing God-knows-what. Always texting each other when they are apart, brag about the other and act like 'the perfect couple' when it was just the honeymoon period, so annoying.
And it wasn't just that, Robin barely had time to stay at their apartment. She just stayed at That Guy's house and then went straight to work, leaving Ted alone. Sure, he could see Marshall and Lily, but today they just came up with this random idea that involved something about 'husband-wife time' which meant they were having a one-day-trip to God-knows-where.
So there he was. Miserable Ted trying as best as he could to stop Robin from leaving him alone at the apartment. Again.
"Ted, you know I have a date in ten minutes. Let me go." Robin said, Ted shook his head.
"No. You're not goin' anywhere," Robin sighed again, crossing her arms. "Can't you just tell that guy to skip the date to another day?" Ted asked hopefully, but the look Robin gave him shut all his hopes down.
"No, Ted. I won't skip the date just because you're a baby that doesn't want to be alone." Robin said, "Besides, what's so bad about being here by yourself?" She asked, grabbing her purse that was left on the couch, only to have Ted take it away from her.
"Sometimes it gets scary in here... like someone's watching you but you can't see anything..." He answered, mumbling the last part. Robin raised an eyebrow for a second, then she slowly shook her head.
"I told you to stop watching horror movies by yourself." She half scolded, snatching her purse back. "If you hate being alone in here then why don't you go out? Find some girl, and do whatever else your crazy little mind wants to do so you can let me leave now." Robin suggested, an slightly irritated tone at the end.
Ted sighed after a few seconds of their small staring contest, and stepped away from the door, "Fine, you can go." He allowed. Robin smiled at him. "But only if you promise to stay here tomorrow and watch seven hours of movies with me."
Robin chuckled. "Alright. You got yourself a deal. See ya." She said, kissing his cheek before leaving the apartment.
Ted sighed.
What was he going to do now? He could prepare his next lecture for his class, but that was already set. He could also watch some Star Wars and drink whatever he wanted since he was tired to go to the MacLaren's, but not tired enough to fall asleep.
Yeah, Ted was going to do that. Watch some Star Wars and drink.
Ted went right to his bedroom and searched for the movies, but he stopped himself when his phone buzzed with a text. Ted took his phone out of his jeans' right pocket and read the message.
Yo. Where the hell is everybody?
(Received - 8:27 PM)
It was a text from Barney.
Robin has a date with that guy, and Marshall and Lily are having their husband-wife time, remember?
Ted pressed sent on his phone's screen, and after exactly seven seconds it buzzed with another text.
I hate that guy.
(Received - 8:27 PM)
Ted sighed.
So do I.
Where r you anyway? If there's no Robin and not Marshall and Lily then why don't you come here and play my wingman? I know you want to.
(Received - 8:28 PM)
I can feel it.
(Received - 8:29 PM)
Ted rolled his eyes, answering; I don't feel like going to the MacLaren's today.
Don't be such a wuss, why not?
(Received - 8:30 PM)
I don't want to.
But you're an awesome wingman! Just come the hell over or I'll make you come.
(Received - 8:30)
And you know I can make you come.
(Received - 8:31)
Dude, I don't think I need to tell you how weird that sounded.
And no, I'm not coming. You have fun.
When Barney didn't answer back Ted just assumed their conversation was over, putting his phone back at his pocket as he began searching again for...
What he was looking for? He couldn't remember.
Ted sat on his bed, looking directly at the wall as if it had the answers. He couldn't remember for the world what he was doing before texting Barney.
Man, he felt really old when that happen. What was next? He'll close his eyes in order to listen clearly?
Ted buried his head in his hands and sighed dramatically, then he just stayed on his bed, laying miserably and waiting to remember what he was supposed to be doing, when the light of remembrance turned on right above his head.
He was going to something involved with drinking, right? Yeah. He was going to drink.
Ted stood up, leaving his bedroom and went directly to the kitchen and opened the fridge, finding some food and what seemed to be a bowl with -Ted hoped- was chocolate, but no sign of beers or anything.
Ted thought for a few seconds, then decided he was going to just sleep. What was the time, anyway? He had no idea.
Ted checked his phone. 8:36 PM.
Ted was going to sleep at 8:36 PM at a Saturday night.
He felt old again.
When he was about to go back to his bedroom there was a knock at the door, stopping him.
Robin was back already? Ted wondered as he opened the door, only to reveal Barney standing there with two girls that were probably wasted, since they had a bottle of scotch. Both of them. In each hand.
"Hey Ted! I brought you boobs! And marshmallows!" Barney announced, handing Ted a small plastic bag half filled with marshmallows as the girls' giggled.
Ted sighed. "Barney, what are you doing?" He asked, reluctantly letting the three of them in.
Barney smirked as he saw the girls sitting at the couch. "Well, since you didn't want to be my wingman I decided to do what a best friend should do when their best friend is lonely. I brought you boobs!" Barney announced happily again, making one of the girls- redhead, big green eyes- smile at Ted, pointing at her boobs and mouthing the word real.
"Barney. Honestly, I don't think this is such a good idea-"
"Come on, Ted. Relax. Have fun- what were you gonna do anyway? Sit around and daydream or somethin' like that?" Barney asked, and when he noticed that Ted said nothing and just avoided eye contact he snorted. "You were actually doing that, weren't you?"
"Shut up." Ted snapped at him. Barney held his hands up in surrender, a smirk on his face.
"Calm down, Teddy-bear. Look, here's the deal." Barney leant closer to Ted, whispering in his ear as if not wanting the girls to hear, even though they seemed very interested on whatever crap was going on TV. "Reddie here seems to like you, so you have my permission to have her-"
"Your permission?" Ted asked, a little confused and a bit offended. Barney nodded.
"Yeah. I thought about it since you wouldn't like to watch me having a threesome- why? No idea. So long story short, Reddie's yours, Blondie's mine." Barney stated matter-of-factly, winking at him before he sat on the couch between the girls.
Ted stood there dumbly, completely confused as to what he was going to do.
Oh, what the hell. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Ted joined them on the couch, him sitting at the left next to 'Reddie' while Barney was on her right, next to 'Blondie'.
"So, what's your name?" Ted asked, watching the girl pour him some scotch in a glass she probably brought from MacLaren's, giving it to Ted.
"I'm Kelli, with i instead of y." She answered, and just when she said it Barney glanced at Ted, and even though it was a quick glance he knew what that meant as he tried not to smirk.
"Nice to meet you, Kelli. I'm-"
"Ted Mosby, yeah. Barney told me about you earlier. 'Architect, thirties or something, with an small fetish over some ugly red cowboy boots', yeah, I know." She said. Ted blushed with embarrassment when Barney tried not to laugh as he ate a few marshmallows.
"It's not a fetish..." He mumbled, gulping down all the scotch he had on the glass as if it'll make things less awkward, along with some silent hate-declarations for Barney.
"It's okay, I'm too drunk to care about some silly little red boots." Kelli smirked, drinking as well. "Y'know what?"
"What?" Ted asked, his breath hitched as he watched Kelli's hand touch his leg, slowly tracing up but not exactly going there.
"I like Valerie... you know, the blond girl." She whispered in Ted's ear leaning incredibly close as Ted hummed stupidly, drinking a few more gulps of scotch.
"Yeah?" He asked, Kelli nodded.
"Yup. She's- she's really hot. Like, I want her... but I want you too" She quickly added, her hand on his chest.
Ted looked at it, then back at Kelli, then he glanced at Barney and Blond- Valerie. They were whispering things in each other's ears, like Kelli and Ted. He gulped.
"I dunno... I can't get rid of Barney like that... he- he'll never leave without banging someone first." Ted whispered. Kelli smirked again, filling Ted's glass with more alcohol.
"Oh, is that so?" She asked. Ted nodded as he drank more, his senses leaving his brain none-too-slowly. "Well, I think there's something we can do about that. Lemme just... lemme just think." Kelli mumbled, thinking for a few seconds until her face lighted up, probably with an idea.
"What'd ya think of?" Ted slurred the question. Kelli smiled at him, then leaned and kissed his cheek.
"Wait for it, sweetheart." She purred in his ear, taking a quick glance at Valerie and then they exchanged smiles before Kelli decided to kiss Ted on the lips.
Ted's eyes widened for a moment, taken aback, but that quickly vanished as he responded.
They kissed deeply for a while until they had to pull apart to catch their breaths. Kelli smirked, handing Ted another drink.
"Would you like to, you know, go to my room?" Ted asked, now officially wasted. Kelli giggled.
"Not so fast," She whispered hotly in his ear. "Remember the plan." Kelli said, even though Ted still had no idea what her plan was.
"It looks like we've ran out of booze," said Valerie, who just stopped her aggressive making-out session with Barney. "We should get some more." She suggested, getting up.
Barney whined. "Wait! Y- you don't have to go now! Ted can go." He told Valerie, who just giggled and shook her head.
"It's okay sweetie, you both stay here while me and Kelli bring you more scotch. We'll be back as soon as we can." Valerie said, kissing Barney desperately during four seconds, then pull apart, smirking. "Let's go, Kel'. I don't wanna make him wait."
Kelli stood up too, giving Ted a small peck on the lips before doing some girly wave with her hands before they left.
Barney sighed as he leant into the couch. "Man... Blondie's... isn't she?" He asked a bit breathless. Ted nodded.
"Yeah... I know. Kelli's also... y'know." He chuckled a bit, "I think I might have a threeway tonight." Ted mumbled, like he didn't even know he said that out loud.
"What are you rambling about, Mosby? I think we made an agreement. No threeways if I'm not included." Barney replied, taking his tie off completely along with his jacket.
Ted giggled. "Nope... you made an agreement, I didn't. And- and besides, Kelli wants to have a threesome with me and Valerie. Not you."
Barney snorted. "Yeah, right. Reddie's kinky, I mean- c'mon, i instead of y- but there's no way she'd want a threesome with you instead of me. I mean- I mean... pluh-ezzeh." He stated, monitoring his hand in the air as to say 'I'm so much hotter than you will ever be'. Ted rolled his eyes.
"Pluh- ezzeh what? You think I'm not good enough for Red- Kelli or something?" Ted asked, seeming quite offended. Barney sighed.
"S'not that, Mosby. It's just- look who you're comparing yourself with. I mean, I'm the sexiest guy in the gang."
"You are the sexiest? That's self-proclaim, Barney. I don't think the girls voted or something, and if they did, I'll be the sexiest."
Barney laughed. "Yeah, right! Oh, Teddy... you're so drunk you can't even see sexiness when it's right in front of you. There's a reason I slept with more than two-hundred and thirty woman and you haven't."
"Yeah, it's called self-respect."
"It's called self-wussiness."
"Barney, I'm pretty sure that's not a word."
"Who gives a crap? I said it so now it's officially a word."
Ted gave him a look. "You're officially stupid."
"Yeah? Well, you're not so smart either, Schmosby. Thinking you're sexier than me. Ha! Yeah, right."
Ted rolled his eyes, thinking of a nice comeback but nothing smart came to mind, so he just scowled.
"Besides," Barney continued. "There's an order in our gang. You are the hopeless romantic, I'm the sexy suited up man and Marshall's the married guy- nothing's gonna change it, even if I'm your best friend."
"Okay," Ted began, sitting in a way he could stare at Barney directly. "First of all, Marshall's my best friend." Barney glared at him, "and I'm pretty sure there's ladies that do think I'm good-looking." He said. Barney stared at him.
"I've never said you weren't," He commented, making Ted raise an eyebrow, but he didn't say anything. "But there's just something about you that says 'hey, I'm gonna be the father of your kids and we'll grow old together!' And not 'I'm gonna give you the business real good'. You don't have that, so yeah, I'd say you're kinda cute - only when you suit up - but definitely not sexy." He explained, and then no one said anything during a while, filling the living room with an awkward silence.
Ted smiled at him after a few moments. Barney raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"You think I'm cute?" Ted asked, batting his eyes at him. Barney blushed and looked away instantly, as if just realizing he had made that small compliment.
"Wha- no! I- I just said you weren't sexy!" Barney exclaimed defensively. Ted smirked.
"Yeah, but you also said that I was cute!" Ted insisted, Barney rolled his eyes. "Barney Stinson, the ultimate ladies' man, thinks I'm cute." He announced, poking Barney in the nose playfully.
Barney scowled. "Shut up, Ted. You're just trying to change the subject about you not being sexy."
"And you are just trying to change the subject about you calling me cute." Ted smirked, "And that you also think I'm good-looking."
"I- you- I didn't- oh this is ridiculous, Ted. Did you really want me to hit on you that badly? You've could just have said so." Barney mumbled, wishing he had some drink in his hand, even though he was already pretty drunk.
Ted raised an eyebrow, looking confused. "I didn't say... wait, what'd you mean by 'you could just had said so'?" He asked, cocking his head to the side which made him look like a confused puppy.
Barney shrugged and didn't say anything as he just focused on the TV, not really watching but just avoiding Ted's intense stare- but the more he tried, the more it felt like his friend's eyes were burning holes through his skull.
"Nothing... nothing." Barney murmured afterwards, and even though he wasn't looking at Ted, Barney knew he didn't believe him.
"Barney, come on. I know you're lying so don't try that on me. Y'know, if you claim to be my best friend then why don't you tell me? You can trust me." Ted told him, for some reason taking all of this way more seriously than it had to be.
Barney said nothing for a while and continued to avoid eye contact for a few moments, then he rubbed at his eyes, yawning. "Where the hell are Blondie and Reddie?" He asked, "They'd should be here by now don't ya think?"
Barney got up, not really waiting for a response from Ted as he went to the door. "I'm gonna look for them." He informed, and he barely got to touch the doorknob when he felt a pair of hands on his back, stopping him.
Barney froze as the hands traveled around his back, then they slowly made him turn around.
Ted was really close, Barney realized. He felt awkward and nervous to be this close to him, Ted's hands were in his chest, and Ted just stared at them.
What was he doing? What was he thinking? Barney wanted so badly to know.
"Ted..." Barney mumbled, making the other look at his eyes, almost studying them.
Barney looked so... different. Ted thought. His blue eyes just stared confusingly at him, with blond messy hair and he was also blushing- so not like the usual Barney he was so used to have around.
It wasn't bad either.
Ted licked his suddenly dry lips as his hands moved upwards to Barney's face. The other didn't move, like he was too confused to know what was going on but then shock hit him.
Ted brushed their lips together. It was only for half a second, but it still happened. Ted had kissed him.
Ted blushed hard and looked completely terrified when he pulled apart, like he just realized what he had done. Ted covered his mouth, trying to find what to say but he was panicking.
He tried to read Barney's expression but it was impossible. What was he thinking about?! Ted just kissed him- Barney. Not only he had kissed another man but also it happened to be Barney.
He was freaking out.
Did he hate him? Was he disgusted by this? Barney didn't say anything, which made Ted even more terrified of what he might think.
"... Ted, what-"
"Bathroom." Ted interrupted him and ran off, like just hearing his voice made him much more nervous and scared than he already was.
Barney just stood there stupidly- very much like the way Ted stood in the middle of the living room when he brought the girls.
He was shocked.
He really was. It seemed like that kiss drained off all the drunkennes of his system.
Ted kissed him. It was only for a second but it still happened, and Barney felt tones of things during and mostly afterwards.
During- he felt dumbfounded. Barney didn't have time to react, so his eyes just widened with shock.
Afterwards- shock. Awkwardness. Confusion. Weirdness, the list went on. When Ted stared at him with that amazingly scared look, like he was completely terrified made Barney feel something. He just didn't know what he meant by 'something'.
Then he wondered- Ted felt something for him?
It was hard to think about it, Barney told himself. Ted has never showed that kind of interest towards Barney until... well, now.
Maybe it was just an experiment, maybe he was just curious about what it'll be like to kiss another man- or maybe it was just the fact the he was drunk. Yes, that might be it. Barney thought, convincing himself about it.
Ted was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing. He probably thought he was kissing someone else instead of Barney. It didn't have to be anything too deep or serious, they've been drinking- a lot. Both of them, so it couldn't possibly have actual feelings involved.
But Barney was now fully aware of things, and while he wasn't sure about Ted he knew that the other man might be puking like crazy and then the hangover would bitchslap him too.
Barney didn't want to overthink this. It was just a small peck on the lips, and they were pretty drunk, so what? It's not like that's a big deal or something... right?
Barney cursed. He was thinking too much about it and that's exactly what he didn't want. Because if he did then he might start finding feelings he didn't want to know about.
Barney did thought Ted was good-looking, and also cute, but that was it. Barney didn't felt that way about him and he tried to convince himself that Ted didn't felt that way about him either.
And then-
---
"I don't know, kids... maybe it was a bad idea to tell you this story. Why don't you two go play some videogames inst-"
"No!" My daughter suddenly snapped at me, making me gave her a weird look. "I- I wanna know what happened next..." She mumbled, a blush covering her face.
"Wait a second, you're actually listening to this?" I asked, surprised by her sudden interest. She nodded.
"He might not like it-" She pointed at my son, who looked the same boring way he always looked when I told this stories. "But I really wanna know what happened next! Please!" She practically begged, which was one of the weirdest things I saw her do. She actually wanted to listen to the rest of the story, and that made me wonder why on earth she'd liked this one rather than the others.
And the look on her face reminded me of the way Lily and Marshall looked when they knew Barney was putting the 'moves' on me just to get me to design the GNB tower, saying; "I like you two together!"
Yeah. That's exactly the way she looked like.
I cleared my throat awkwardly, "Fine." I said, trying to forget the fact that my daughter seemed to like me and Barney together as I continued.
I took a deep breath. "So,"
---
And then he thought about the kiss.
Ted's soft lips brushing his own.
Ted's hands traveling on his back and pressing his chest.
The way he stood way too close to him, licking his lips-
Barney breathed heavily, covering his face in his hands as he groaned. See? That's why he didn't want to overthink this! Now he felt even more weird and confused.
He didn't like the kiss. He wasn't disgusted by it, but he didn't like it.
He repeated this words in his mind, hoping it'll calm him down, but it only got worse when Ted exited the bathroom, his eyes landing directly on Barney's before blushing and looking completely embarrassed.
"Barney, I..." Ted trailed off, sighing as he tried to choose his words more carefully. "Barney I just... I'm sorry." He apologized suddenly.
Barney blinked, but didn't say anything as he waited for him to continue. "I don't know what I was thinking when I... when I did that. And- and I have no idea why I did it." He chuckled nervously. "I literally have no idea why! I just saw you and... and... I don't know!"
Barney just stared at him.
"Y'know it'll be way more easier if you said something." Ted murmured, frustrated with himself.
"... You don't have to apologize." Barney said at last. Ted blinked, a confused look on his face.
"What do you mean I don't? I just kissed you and- wait..." Ted took a few steps closer to him, but stood in a safe distance. "You're not mad at me? You don't hate me or something?"
Barney surprised Ted by smirking, and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Me? Upset over a small kiss? C'mon, Ted. You know me better than that, I mean. You secretly wanted me, so what? I know I'm sexy." He said smugly, making Ted feel something strange at the way Barney looked at him, like they were in good terms even after... that.
Then he remembered what Barney just said. "Shut up, Stinson."
"You shut up, Mosby."
They stared at each other's eyes, smiling.
They still felt weird and awkward, but they managed to ignore it as Ted yawned. "What time is it?" He asked himself, looking at his phone that had a message unread from a unknown number.
Thanks for letting me go with Valerie- I'm pretty sure you'll have some fun without me anyway ;)
(Received - 2:12 AM)
"What the... hell? Dude, did you tell Reddie to go off with Blondie?" Barney asked. Ted didn't realize he read the message too, but apparently he had.
"No I didn't. She just ditched both of us," said Ted, still looking solemnly confused at his phone.
Barney sighed and mumbled something Ted couldn't quite hear as the phone buzzed again with another text.
I'm pretty sure Barney's the kinda guy that's gonna make you--
Ted stopped reading as he turned off his phone. The next line was an incredibly explicit explanation of what Barney might do to him- just thinking about it made Ted blush aggressively.
"What? Did Reddie say something else?" Barney asked, Ted shook his head, giving him a nervous smile.
"No, no. That was the last text I got from her." He lied and Barney knew that, but thankfully he didn't press on.
And they were doing it again. They were staring at each other's eyes, saying nothing, filling the room with a heavy silence.
Barney felt all those weird feelings slump back into him. He didn't know why he was doing this, he didn't know why, but he wanted to.
Ted's heart nearly stopped when Barney stepped closer to him, and then slowly, and hesitantly used a hand to gently brush Ted's cheek, just like Ted had done to Barney moments ago. But this time they knew what they were doing, they knew what was happening, and neither wanted to pull away.
Barney hesitantly brushed his lips with the other's, waiting for Ted to pull away, but he didn't, he just kinda stood there, not knowing what else to do.
Barney studied the feeling. It was mix between excitement, nervousness and awkwardness. Like your first time in a rollercoaster; you're feeling scared and happy and excited, all at once.
Ted slowly responded the kiss, surprising Barney. At first it wasn't a deep, hungry and desperate kiss but rather a... small kiss. It also felt like it was their first time kissing someone.
But that lasted only a few seconds when Ted felt Barney's tongue slip inside his mouth without asking for permission. Ted was surprised for a second but still didn't pull away as they continued to kiss, their tongues experimenting the taste and feeling of the other's.
The intoxicating feeling of each other's lips and tongues, the smell of scotch and marshmallows were mixed together perfectly.
And they liked it, even though they wouldn't admit it for the world.
They pulled away afterwards, because... well, breathing is important; blushing and catching their breaths.
"That... was..." Ted trailed off, a flushed look on his face.
"Something." Barney finished for him. Ted nodded, a little breathless.
"We... we don't have to tell anyone about this." Ted shyly suggested, and then quickly blushed as he caught his words. "I mean, not because I didn't like-"
The door swung open, stopping him in the middle of his sentence, reveling a tired looking Robin.
"Hi T- Barney? What are you doing here this late? Why aren't you at the apartment?" She asked, and Barney could feel Ted starting to freak out but he quickly answered.
"Ted said something about watching Star Wars movies and since neither you or Marshall and Lily weren't around I decided 'eh, what the hell' and came over here to make Ted some company" He lied swiftly, patting his friend's back with a smile. Ted decided to follow his lead and nodded, smiling back. "I was leaving, though. It's late and I'm kinda tired, so see ya guys tomorrow." He said, giving them a two-fingered salute before leaving, Robin closing the door behind him.
For some reason Robin didn't interrogate Barney more, like she was too tired to ask more questions to him.
"You two didn't do anything weird when no one was looking right?" Robin suddenly asked, making Ted look at her in surprise.
"Wha- no. We just watched some movies and stuff." Ted responded nervously, then yawned as if to change the subject quickly. "Anyway, two in the morning, right? Nothing good happens at two in the morning... and... God, it's really late. You know, work and stuff... yeah. Goodnight, Robin." He babbled nervously, waiting for her friend to say something.
Robin stared at him for a few seconds, obviously not believing Ted's previous answer, but was too tired to press on. "Goodnight." She said. Ted nodded, heading quickly to his bedroom as Robin went to hers.
As soon as she got there, Robin locked the door and quickly took out a laptop out of a nightstand, turning it on and pressing some buttons until the video was on the screen.
Robin smiled, or rather smirked as she watched her two ex-boyfriends kiss in a video she taped with one of Barney's hidden cameras at the apartment he thought Robin didn't know about.
That was the day she'd finally have something to blackmail them with.
Well done, Kelli. I'll pay you and your girlfriend tomorrow. Thanks guys.
Robin sent the message with her phone, waiting a few seconds before it buzzed.
You're welcome, sweetheart ;) Glad to help! -Kelli
And that, kids, is why you should never drink too much with some strange girls your friend brings to the house. And if you have a roommate, don't even think of doing so. Trust me, you'll regret it.