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Yamazaki Sagaru – Observation Report – Day 1 – Part 1
Today I’ve been given an important assignment – one that may alter the destiny of the entire Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya alongside it. One that may determine the fate of Edo itself.
But perhaps it’s best if I start from the beginning.
The Vice-Chief approached me this morning and asked me if I had a spare moment to talk with him. I believe his exact words were, “Yamazaki, if you don’t put down that pen in the next two seconds, you’ll be using it to slit your own belly.” Although I protested that I was in the middle of writing the expenses report that he had insisted was due by midday, he had that certain look in his eye – the one where it’s obvious that he’s on the verge of forgetting that seppuku is supposed to be self-inflicted.
He then proceeded to drag me down the hallway towards the front entrance, all the while muttering something about robots and goddamn Yorozuya and having better things to do than deal with other people’s messes. I asked him what the point of the Shinsengumi was, if not dealing with other people’s messes, but he just kicked me into the entrance and told me to report back to him when I was done.
Pulling myself to my hands and knees, I looked up... only to gaze into the eyes of an angel. For it was Tama-san who stood before me, her beautiful eyebrows almost drawing together in the faintest hint of concern, her slender fingers wrapped around the handle of her broom with a delicacy that surely belied their strength.
“Tama-san!” I said. “Welcome to the Shinsengumi! How can I help you?”
“Hello, Yamazaki-san,” Tama-san said, and she reached out a hand and clamped it around my wrist, pulling me to my feet with admirably brisk efficiency. Her grip was much stronger than the Vice-Chief’s, but at the same time it was as soft and gentle as the touch of a kitten’s paw, and I barely felt it.
Tama-san let go of my wrist. She said, “Are you all right, Yamazaki-san? Your eyes appear to be leaking.”
“I’m fine!” I assured her with a laugh. “Can I get you anything? I don’t think we have oil here, but I can send someone out to get some for you.”
“No thank you, Yamazaki-san,” she said, and her luminous eyes seemed to become even bigger. “I came here to seek assistance in locating my memory bank.”
“Your... memory bank?”
I was confused, because obviously she remembered me. But she went on, “I remove my memory bank every month in order to back it up externally, so that my memories may be retrieved in case anything should happen to my body.” I almost thought I saw something in her face in that moment, something like hesitancy or regret, but it was gone before I could be sure. “I always back it up in the same location, but when I came to retrieve it this time, it was gone.”
“Hang on, wait,” I said. “If your memory bank is gone, then how do you remember anything?”
“I can run on backup memory for a limited amount of time,” she said, and if I hadn’t known better, I would’ve sworn that there was exasperation in her tone. It’s one of the side effects of spending too much time in the Vice-Chief’s dubious scintillating company. “Otose-sama insists that I power down during this time, as she says that she doesn’t want me to lose anything important. There is nothing more important than continuing to serve Otose-sama and the others, but she is very insistent.”
This was getting more and more mysterious. “What do you mean, ‘lose anything important’?”
“Anything that happens while my memory bank is backing up will be overwritten once backup has been completed and the memory bank has been returned.”
She said it so matter-of-factly that it took me several moments to work out the implications.
“So you’re saying that once you get your memory bank back....”
“I will no longer remember Hijikata-san kicking you to the floor, Yamazaki-san.”
That, at least, was something of a relief, but the rest of it was really kind of horrifying! While I appreciated the speedy exposition, the indifference with which she talked about overwriting part of her own existence was hard to get my head around. I suddenly found myself grateful towards the old lady and her insistence upon Tama-san not wiping part of her own memory each time she performed a backup. The mere thought of Tama-san not being able to recollect the acts of kindness and benevolence she has rendered unto the wretched creatures of this terrible world sent a horrible chill down my
“But what has this got to do with the Shinsengumi?” I asked, keeping my mind firmly on the topic at hand.
Tama-san seemed to bow her head slightly. “I have looked everywhere that I can think of for my memory bank, but I have not yet been able to locate it, Yamazaki-san. I have requested assistance from Gintoki-sama, but he has merely told me that he believes it will most certainly show up again in a few days, and I shouldn’t worry about it until then. From this I have been able to infer that he is quite busy, and I shouldn’t bother him further with my own concerns.” Here, Tama-san seemed to hesitate. “Perhaps it’s selfish of me, but I must admit that I feel somewhat anxious to have my memory bank returned to me as soon as possible.”
I was astonished to find Tama-san was now bowing in front of me!
“And so I have come to make a request of the Shinsengumi,” she continued. “I know you are a skilled inspector who has conducted countless investigations in order to protect the city of Edo. I come to you now to ask your help in order to –”
“I’ll do it!” I exclaimed, before I remembered that I couldn’t just go around accepting missions from beautiful, kind-hearted women people on the Shinsengumi’s behalf and then run off on my own. I cleared my throat. “Or, you know, the Shinsengumi will be very pleased to be of service. If I’m allowed to. As long as the Vice-Chief lets me.”
Tama-san stared up at me, her eyes shining brilliantly, like radiant twin moons. “I understand if you have more important things to do than to help me with such a trivial matter, Yamazaki-san. The Shinsengumi are an anti-terrorist police force, after all.”
“Oh, no one cares about that,” I laughed. “Seriously, when was the last time we had anything to do with anything like that? At least this is closer to police work than dragging the Chief back from Snack Smile, or going undercover in order to sabotage Mayorin’s rivals.”
“If you say that it is so, then I will believe that it is true,” Tama-san said, and my heart fluttered just a little in my chest. But still I managed to give her my most reassuring smile.
“We’ll get to the bottom of this, don’t worry!”
She bowed once more. “I know you will do your best, Yamazaki-san.”
“I will!” I promised her with all my heart. I told her to wait for me at the outer gate while I went to tell the Vice-Chief of the important quest I the Shinsengumi had just been given. She nodded, and I watched as she turned and left without another word, her hair swaying gently in the breeze like luxuriant seaweed fronds.
“A missing memory bank, huh?”
I only jumped a little at the sound of the Vice-Chief’s voice in my ear, followed a split second later by the stench of cigarette smoke in my nostrils. I don’t know if I like the Vice-Chief listening in on my conversations with Tama-san – but it wasn’t as if I was saying – or thinking! – anything untoward!! And anyway, despite what he says, I know the Vice-Chief cannot in fact read my mind (I don’t think).
The Vice-Chief exhaled his disgusting smoke into my face. “I don’t like your chances with her, but hey, it’s your life. If you manage not to screw this up, you can do whatever stupid thing you like.”
I sputtered a little – from the smoke, nothing more – but said nothing. Was the Vice-Chief giving me his blessing or his curse? Why did it matter either way?! I don’t want anything from him! But did this mean – ?
“Anyway,” the Vice-Chief went on, “since it isn’t like you’re doing anything useful around here, I’ll allow it. This is a good opportunity for you to keep an eye on Yorozuya, see what he’s up to. Despite what some people seem to think, we’re an anti-Joui outfit, and that guy is suspicious as hell.”
“Again –?!” I started to say, before biting my tongue. The Vice-Chief has been on... okay...ish... terms with Yorozuya’s danna for ages, and the guy’s obviously not doing anything to aid or abet any terrorists these days... but, well, there’s no point arguing with the Vice-Chief when he gets like this.
All in all, this probably works out well for everyone. The Vice-Chief gets to spy on danna without doing any of the actual spy work, I get to spend some time basking in Tama-san’s glorious presence, and Tama-san gets her memories back.
Squaring my shoulders, I got to work.
***
Partial transcript of Shinsengumi interview – Snack House Otose
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: And you say this is the last place you saw your memory bank, Tama-san?
TAMA: That is correct.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Let it be stated for the record that Tama-san has indicated a computer against the back wall of the Snack House Otose, and that the only devices plugged into it are a keyboard, a mouse, and an animatronic fish that sings selections from the Pedoro soundtrack. Tama-san, for the sake of procedure, can you confirm that none of these are your memory bank?
TAMA: That is correct.
OTOSE (pseudonym): Is it procedure for one cop to do a half-assed job of searching the premises on his own, then sit down and conduct a confidential interview in the middle of the room where the proprietor is trying to earn their livelihood? Whatever happened to doing all this stuff back at the station?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Tama-san, could you please tell me exactly when you last saw your memory bank?
TAMA: I placed it here by the computer, as I always do when backing up my memories. It was here on the desk when I powered down for the evening.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: And it was gone when you –
[SOUND OF DOOR OPENING; INDISTINCT YELLING]
SAKATA Gintoki: We just ate, you goddamn bottomless pit! If you want more, you’ll have to go buy it yourself, because Gin-san is not an ATM machine!
SHIMURA Shinpachi: That’s an unnecessary tautology, Gin-san –
SAKATA Gintoki: You’re an unnecessary tautology! Shut up! God, between your bitching and whining and her stopping to cram her gob with takoyaki mid-deal, it was a damn miracle that we even managed to finally get rid of the last of those goddamn jeggi– hey, who let the Shinsengumi into my house?
OTOSE: Don’t look at me. Tama was the one who dragged him here – trust me, I wouldn’t be putting up with this if I didn’t have to. And it’s not your house, you good-for-nothing freeloader!
SHIMURA Shinpachi: Good afternoon, Tama-san. Why did you bring Yamazaki-san here?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Hey, I’m right here.
TAMA: Good afternoon, Shinpachi-sama. Yamazaki-san is here because I asked him to help me find my missing memory bank, and because he wants to prove to Hijikata-san that he possesses a baseline level of competence as a detective.
KAGURA: [obnoxious laughter]
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: ... Like I said, I’m right here....
SAKATA Gintoki: Oh, and those are the only reasons, hmm, Inspector? You didn’t come here in order to inspect Tama’s –
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Tama-san, you were saying that your memory bank was missing when you, ah, awoke? Rebooted?
TAMA: That is correct, Yamazaki-san.
SAKATA Gintoki: What’s this now?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Tama-san’s memory bank disappeared while she was backing it up. I’m here to find out what happened to it.
SAKATA Gintoki: Oh. [indistinct] And what does this – this memory bank, ah, look like?
TAMA: It is a small, black oval-shaped device. It has several small ports where adaptors can be attached. It is not particularly noticeable, so it is understandable that it could have been accidentally moved.
SAKATA Gintoki: I see.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [incisively] Have you seen it, danna?
SAKATA Gintoki: Ha! Of course not. But you’ll be the first to know if I happen to stumble across it. [nervous and extremely incriminating-sounding laughter]
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Is it possible that a customer could’ve taken it?
OTOSE: Nah, Tama never goes offline until after we’ve closed up and everyone’s gone.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Then... I suppose it could only have been someone who lives here –
SAKATA Gintoki: Is that an accusation?! Just what the hell are you getting at, Jimmy-kun, if that even is your real name –
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: It’s not.
SAKATA Gintoki: – flinging scurrilous allegations around like the government puppet you are –
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: – Or else it could have been a cat burglar or something along those lines.
CATHERINE: Excuse me?! Who the hell are you to come in here and –
SAKATA Gintoki: Wait, let the man speak! I think you might be onto something there, Jimmy-kun. You’re the expert, after all.
CATHERINE: How dare you besmirch the respectable trade of cat burglaring, asshole! I would never steal from the people I live with –
OTOSE: [coughs meaningfully]
CATHERINE: I mean, not now, I wouldn’t!
SAKATA Gintoki: It went missing, and there’s a cat burglar living and working on the premises. Occam’s razor says she did it. Case closed.
CATHERINE: I’ll razor you, you perm-headed jerk! [crashing noises]
SHIMURA Shinpachi: Ah, Gin-san, I’m not quite sure that’s how Occam’s razor works.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Getting back to the matter at hand –
KAGURA: I’ve seen Gin-chan’s razor. I bet you could catch all kinds of weird diseases off it.
CATHERINE: That would explain his face.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [calmly] If we could all just settle down, I’m sure that we can get this worked out. I’m not going to jump to any conclusions.
SAKATA Gintoki: Fine, fine. Memories wouldn’t be worth anything on the black market anyway, so whoever took the thing will soon realise it’s pointless and drop it into the lost and found. You watch, you’ll have it back in no time.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Moving on –
SAKATA Gintoki: In the meantime, you should probably arrest Catherine on suspicion of grand theft memory bank. Just in case.
CATHERINE: The hell?! You lousy, useless, good-for-nothing [redacted] –
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Okay, okay, let’s keep calm –
CATHERINE: Screw this! You wanna know what happened?
SAKATA Gintoki: [panicky] Not from you, they don’t! This interview is over! [scuffling noises]
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Ah! Leave the tape recorder out of this, danna! It’s done nothing to you!
SAKATA Gintoki: [pained yelp]
CATHERINE: What happened is that this jackoff sat on Tama’s memory bank in a drunken stupor and broke it with his giant stupid butt. Yeah, you heard me.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Is this true, danna?
SAKATA Gintoki: Of course not! When have you ever known me to do anything so idiotic? My ass is a finely honed tool, sensitive to the slightest breeze. I would’ve known something was there long before I could sit on it! Which I didn’t!
OTOSE: Why didn’t you speak up about it earlier, Catherine? I don’t mind lying if it’s for a good cause, but it’s this idiot we’re talking about.
CATHERINE: I’m sorry, Otose-san. He said that if I kept my mouth shut, he’d put in a good word for me with one of the Shinsengumi.
OTOSE: Which one?
CATHERINE: Any of them.
SAKATA Gintoki: How could anyone trust the word of someone so desperate?!
CATHERINE: Hey! I just want someone on the right side of the law who’ll look the other way for me when it’s convenient! Any romantic developments would just be... a side benefit.
SHIMURA Shinpachi: Wow, that’s cold.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Is this true, danna?
SAKATA Gintoki: Yes. With my hand on my heart, I can say that Catherine really is that desperate.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [patiently] I meant, is it true that you sat on Tama-san’s memory bank?
SAKATA Gintoki: [long pause] Maybe?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Let’s say, as a hypothetical scenario, that you did sit on Tama-san’s memory bank. Completely accidentally, of course. In this hypothetical scenario, what would you do with it?
SAKATA Gintoki: In this hypothetical scenario, I would, being an honourable gentleman, take it to old man Gengai’s to get it repaired. Hypothetically speaking. Also, whoever did this probably already feels pretty bad about it, so there’s absolutely no need to harp on at him about it or make him suffer any repercussions whatsoever.
CATHERINE: [loud scoffing]
TAMA: Yamazaki-san, if my memory bank is indeed at Gengai-sama’s repair shop, then I can find my way there and collect it myself. There’s no need for you to accompany me and take more time away from your valuable work.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I don’t have any valuable work! I mean... what I mean, Tama-san, is that I made a promise to help you find your memory bank, and so it would be very wrong of me to leave before it’s returned directly to your hands. I mean – that is – if you don’t mind, Tama-san, it’s no problem for me to go with you – walk you there, I mean –
SAKATA Gintoki: [background muttering] Oh my God, this is pathetic.
END TRANSCRIPT
***
Yamazaki Sagaru – Observation Report – Day 1 – Part 2
Having swiftly determined the location of the missing memory bank, I headed over to Gengai’s Machine Hall with Tama-san. I knocked on the door and called out, but there was no answer. However, the door was unlocked, and so we went inside.
“Hello? Gengai-san?” I called out again.
The room was full of robots and various mechanical bits and bobs. It was a bit creepy! But I reminded myself that Tama-san is a robot, and she’s the loveliest creature ever to grace the earth with its presence, so maybe I shouldn’t be so judgemental.
... It was still a little weird, though.
“I believe that Gengai-sama is in the back alley,” Tama-san said, and sure enough, when I strained my ears, I could hear some crashing and cursing coming from outside. The back door was open, so we headed out.
Sure enough, there was an old man tramping about in the alleyway. I could only assume that it was the infamous Gengai, given his eccentric appearance and the way that Tama-san seemed to brighten like the morning sun’s first rays breaking over the horizon when she saw him.
“Gengai-sama!” she exclaimed.
“Tama-san!” the old man said. Then, looking at me, he nodded and added, “Good afternoon, Shinsengumi-san.”
I greeted him back, and then got down to business. “Tama-san’s memory bank has gone missing, and we have reason to believe that it was brought here. Do you have any knowledge of its whereabouts?”
“Ah, that. Well, you see....”
The old man shuffled and cleared his throat, his eyes darting about in a highly suspicious manner.
I’m not one to threaten innocent civilians, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t draw myself up a little taller. When you’re with the Shinsengumi, you can’t let your guard down for a moment, even if it’s just a seemingly harmless old man you’re talking to. The old ones are the craftiest!
“Sir, I’ll remind you that this is a police investigation. Any assistance that you could provide would be most appreciated.”
Gengai-san deflated a little. “Yeah, I’ve seen Tama-san’s memory bank. Pretty hard to forget – it had an indentation in the perfect shape of Ginnoji’s right buttcheek. That no-good brat spun me some cock-and-bull story and ran out the door before I could ask any questions or settle the issue of payment, but, well, this is Tama-san we’re talking about. Of course I’d fix her, whether or not payment was rendered.”
This was fantastic news! We were about to solve the entire mystery.
Or so I thought.
“That’s great! So where is it? Have you fixed it yet?”
“About that,” Gengai-san said after a significant pause. He followed it up with another significant pause.
“Is there something wrong, Gengai-sama? Was my memory bank not sturdy enough to handle the impact from Gintoki-sama’s buttcheek?” Tama-san’s voice doesn’t usually show a lot of emotion, but there was a definite hint of concern in those dulcet tones.
“Ah, no, it’s not that. Well, not entirely – the forces brought to bear upon your memory bank from Ginnoji’s buttcheek were truly astonishing, but not unfixable.” The old man scratched sheepishly at his head, and I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. “No, the problem is that, well, I had a bit of a spring-cleaning frenzy last night.”
That was what passed for a spring clean?! His place was a living nightmare!
He continued, “I may have had a drink or two to fortify me for the task at hand. And in my exuberance, I....”
He trailed off and didn’t bother to pick up the thread again, as if hoping that I would just forget about everything. I prodded him a little. “You...?”
“I, ah... may have thrown out the memory bank with the combustible rubbish.”
I experienced a wide range of emotions at this revelation. Horror at the thought of Tama-san’s precious memories going up in smoke. Relief, because this meant that I could spend more time in her company while we got to the bottom of this mess. Guilt for feeling relieved. In the end, I took out all of it upon Gengai-san.
“You threw her memory bank in with the combustible rubbish? What the hell were you thinking, old man? Were you even thinking at all?!”
“I know, I know!” Gengai-san pulled at his non-existent hair. “Throwing a memory bank in with the combustibles? I know I was drunk, but some things you just don’t do!” He grabbed at my jacket, eyes wide and pleading. “Please, Shinsengumi-san, you have to go and retrieve it before somebody sees my name on the other rubbish in the bag and puts two and two together. If the neighbourhood association find out that I mixed combustibles and non-combustibles, I’ll be done for.”
I blinked, dumbfounded. “That’s what you’re worried about? The neighbourhood association?!”
“They’re really scary!” He deflated a little then, before straightening back up with new determination. “But of course Tama-san’s memory bank is the most important thing.” He bowed low. “Will you assist us, Shinsengumi-san? You’d be helping her and saving an old man’s dignity at the same time.”
“I was going to anyway,” I said loftily. For Tama-san’s sake, I didn’t add. Let the old geezer sort out his own petty neighbourhood disputes! What does he think the Shinsengumi are even here for?
Tama-san smiled. “Thank you, Yamazaki-san,” she said.
I nodded back, my face stern but reassuring. “No problem. It’s all in a day’s work.” And with that, we left the building.
I must say that when I was writing my expenses report this morning, I never could have imagined that I would be heading out to an incineration plant in order to find Tama-san’s lost memory bank by this afternoon! But that’s the life of service that I devoted myself to when I joined the Shinsengumi.
***
Partial transcript of CCTV footage – Shinjuku Incineration Plant
[16:51:19]
[CCTV footage shows YAMAZAKI SAGARU gallantly interviewing HASEGAWA TAIZOU and NISHIKI MATSUGOROU in amongst a giant pile of rubbish at the edge of a refuse bunker, while TAMA crouches down and comforts a broken-down old toaster a short distance away. Their conversation is not loud enough to be captured on the recording. HASEGAWA TAIZOU is scratching the back of his head in a very suspicious and guilty-looking manner.]
[16:53:06]
[CCTV footage shows YAMAZAKI SAGARU, HASEGAWA TAIZOU, and NISHIKI MATSUGOROU being scooped up by a giant claw on the end of a crane, along with a whole lot of stinky rubbish. YAMAZAKI SAGARU is calmly calling for assistance.]
[16:53:09]
[CCTV footage shows TAMA heroically leaping up onto the claw and freeing YAMAZAKI SAGARU, HASEGAWA TAIZOU, and NISHIKI MATSUGOROU with the brute strength of a lion wrapped in the fragile beauty of a sparrow, throwing them all to safety on a pile of rubbish.]
[16:54:27]
[CCTV footage shows the CRANE OPERATOR (name unknown) scrambling over the rubbish and yelling in a very unprofessional manner. His (unnecessarily rude) words are audible on the recording.]
CRANE OPERATOR: What the hell do you think you’re doing, you fucking idiots?! You could’ve all got killed! You wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork I’d have to fill out if I killed three trespassers – and, oh great, you’re Shinsengumi, that’s absolutely frigging typical –
END TRANSCRIPT
***
REPORT LOG: Shinsengumi spy operations into Joui rebel activities
Intercepted technical support chat log between KATSURA KOTAROU and SATOU-SAN, employee of [REDACTED] Corp., a manufacturer of technical goods
SATOU-SAN: Hi there! My name is Satou, and I’m here to assist with whatever technical questions our valued customers may have about any [REDACTED] Corp. product! How can we support you today?
KATSURA KOTAROU: Good afternoon. I am writing to you today in order to register the most severe of complaints regarding your televisual recording device.
SATOU-SAN: I see! I am extremely sorry to hear you may have been having issues with our product. May I enquire as to the nature of the problem?
KATSURA KOTAROU: I hadn’t finished typing. Please don’t interrupt me.
SATOU-SAN: I apologise.
KATSURA KOTAROU: You interrupted me again.
SATOU-SAN: ....
KATSURA KOTAROU: I’m waiting for an apology.
SATOU-SAN: I’m sorry.
KATSURA KOTAROU: Your apology is noted, if not necessarily accepted. Now. As I was saying, I wished to register a complaint. I wanted to record the season finale of The Academic Who Ambles the Dusk, only to find that your device isn’t compatible with any cable that I own.
SATOU-SAN: I see! It should have come with its own compatible cable.
KATSURA KOTAROU: Well, it didn’t.
SATOU-SAN: Maybe it’s one of our new wireless devices. Can you tell me the model of the device?
KATSURA KOTAROU: No.
SATOU-SAN: Okay. Well, can you tell me what’s written on the box it came in?
KATSURA KOTAROU: No.
SATOU-SAN: Oh, okay. Are you sure that you can’t just read the serial number off the device?
KATSURA KOTAROU: No, because I threw it out the window an hour ago in a fit of righteous frustration. When we overthrow this corrupt government, incompetent tech support will be the first in line for seppuku.
SATOU-SAN: Wait, you threw it out the window?
KATSURA KOTAROU: Yes, I did. And if all your products are of similar quality, I can certainly see why I found this one abandoned at the dump.
SATOU-SAN: Just so I can be clear: you picked up this device at the dump, paid no attention to what kind of device it was, and then threw it out of a window?
KATSURA KOTAROU: Yes, of course.
SATOU-SAN: If I may ask, how exactly are you expecting me to help you?
KATSURA KOTAROU: Is this kind of incredibly rude behaviour what passes for customer service in the modern day? I demand to speak with your manager.
SATOU-SAN: I’m sorry, but my manager is currently busy dealing with customers who actually bought their products from us, rather than jerks who pick up random bits of junk at the dump.
KATSURA KOTAROU: Ungrateful whelp! Divine punishment will rain down upon you!
SATOU-SAN: I’m sorry, there’s a storm here, and it’s bringing down all the trees onto the power lines. My internet is about to –
KATSURA KOTAROU: Spend well your last remaining days! Your execution will be but the first of many amongst the inept staff of [REDACTED] Corp.!
KATSURA KOTAROU: The blood of your people will be awash in the streets to cleanse them anew!
KATSURA KOTAROU: Hello?
KATSURA KOTAROU: Hello?
KATSURA KOTAROU: As is to be expected, both your courage and technical capacity are sorely lacking. I shall deal with you later.
END TRANSCRIPT
- I swear to God Yamazaki if you waste police resources on this kind of shit again you will be committing seppuku faster than you can blink even if I have to slit your belly myself
– H.T.
***
Yamazaki Sagaru – Observation Report – Day 1 – Part 3
In order to be a great detective, you need lots of things: guts, intelligence, skill, determination, intuition. But sometimes, the thing that you need most is plain old luck.
Not that I thought I was lucky at first!
“Yoooo-hoooooo!”
I froze where I stood, not daring to look up. I recognised that uniquely grating voice. Maybe she was talking to someone else? Maybe if I just leaned a little further into the shadows, she would walk on by, and I wouldn’t be witnessed wading about knee-deep in rubbish for the second time today.
“Why, hello there, Mister Police Officer. And what might you be up to, hmm?”
“Hello, Sarutobi-san. Yamazaki-san is wading about knee-deep in rubbish.”
Dammit, Tama-san! Why must your honesty be both your most sublime feature and your most anguish-inducing flaw?!
“I see, I see.” The ninja peered at me from over the top of her glasses – why, I’m not sure, since surely that would just make her eyesight even worse – and I stared back at her defiantly. Being a Shinsengumi spy can be dirty work, but someone has to do it in order to keep the people of Edo safe! “And why is he doing that?”
I drew myself up to my full height. “Because a known terrorist threw a vital piece of evidence out of that window up there, and I’m working to locate it.” I indicated a nearby third-storey window to her and did not indicate that I’d been searching this giant pile of rubbish for the better part of an hour to no avail. How many potage sticks can that guy eat, anyway?
“A known terrorist?” Sarutobi-san blinked owlishly. “Is he still up there?”
I shrugged. “I guess?”
“You mean, you don’t know?!” she shrieked. “Haven’t you been, I don’t know, keeping an eye on him?”
“Why would I do that? I mean –” I quickly amended, “ – that’s not the mission here! The only danger he poses right at this second is to the good name and 4.3-star average Bloogle Reviews rating of [REDACTED] Corp. No, the bigger issue is that we’re looking for a vital piece of hardware.”
I hesitated, not wanting to give too much away. Enough people had already been made aware of Tama-san’s missing memory bank – at this rate, all of Edo was going to know her business. Call me soft-hearted, but I wanted her to have at least a little bit of privacy.
“Oh, hardware, eh?” Sarutobi-san’s voice turned disturbingly leering. “Say no more, Mister Officer. I’ll leave you to it.”
She started to saunter off, quite frankly leaving me somewhat relieved, but Tama-san’s sweet voice cut through the evening air.
“It is a smooth, rounded black object, about this big.” She held her hands a small distance apart. “We believe it to be in this area, but have been unable to locate it. If you have seen it, it would be most helpful if you could let us know. Yamazaki-san and I would both be most grateful.”
“Oh, you really are looking for a sex toy? I was just joking.” I opened my mouth to protest, but horror rendered me incapable of speech, and Sarutobi-san continued blithely on. “Normally I’d totally be into the whole threesome thing, but you’re not really my type, you know? No offence. Unless that’s your thing, in which case, go wild. I give you full permission to picture me insulting you in any way you choose, you filthy, rutting hog.”
Tama-san, bless her, tried once again to reason with this imbecile. “It has a large dent in it. It is quite distinctive.”
“A large dent...?” Now the ninja looked almost thoughtful – almost, I say, because I’m not sure she’s actually capable of such things – and maybe a little sheepish. “In the exact size, shape, and contour of the right side of Gin-san’s pert, delectable buns?”
Tama-san nodded. “Yes. It was made by Gintoki-sama’s asscheek.”
Sarutobi-san jumped up and down, clapping her hands and squealing at a painfully high pitch. “I knew it! I would know Gin-san’s butt anywhere! I didn’t even have to look – one touch of my finger along that perfect curve, and I said to myself, ‘Sacchan, you have just touched the imprint of the ass of God.’ Just to make sure, I smelt the imprint of the ass of God, then I tasted it, then I –”
“What did you do with the – the device, Sarutobi-san?” I did a remarkable job of maintaining my composure while questioning such a volatile witness, if I do say so myself.
“Well, of course I cleaned off the potage crumbs first, before I tried to work out how to use it. Who wouldn’t want a sex toy that bore the ass-stamp of Gin-san himself? But I couldn’t find the on button anywhere, so I took it to that frigid bitch in Yoshiwara to see if she could work out how to turn it on and make herself useful for a change.”
At this point, I must admit I was a bit lost. “Sorry, who did you take it to? Can you give me a name?”
“Tch. Tsukki, of course. What other frigid bitches are there in Yoshiwara?”
I decided that there were no good answers to that question and concentrated instead on the actual information I’d been given. Tama-san’s memory bank was with the Courtesan of Death? Who was apparently under the impression that it was a sex toy?! This day just got worse and worse.
“Thank you for your invaluable assistance, Sarutobi-san.” Tama-san bowed. “We shall go to Yoshiwara immediately.”
Sarutobi-san sniffed. “Tell that cow that she’d better not be sampling the merchandise! I expect to get that thing back in pristine condition!”
I most definitely would not say any such thing to the Courtesan of Death. “Of course, Sarutobi-san.”
“Oi!” A voice yelled down from above. I peered upwards to see a long-haired man with a moustache, glasses, and a large nose peering out at us from one of the third-storey windows. “Some of us are trying to put together the schedule for the next Jouishishi Stitch’n’Bitch, but someone keeps on talking outside our window and going through my rubbish!”
“Oh! Sorry!” I apologised. There’s no point in being a protector of Edo if you can’t respect the small rules as well as the big ones.
The man squinted at us a moment longer, before he pulled his head back inside with a hmph and slammed the window shut.
“I think we’ve learned all that we’re going to learn here,” I said. “Thank you, Sarutobi-san.”
“Whatever,” she sighed. “Gin-san should be finishing his shift at Mademoiselle Saigou’s in fifteen minutes, so I have to go sneak into the ceiling crawlspace before he goes to get changed afterwards.”
“Well,” I said. “Ah... good luck with that.”
Sarutobi-san flounced off into the rapidly darkening evening, and I resigned myself to making yet another trip across town. It would be worth it, though.
***
Partial transcript of Shinsengumi interview – Hino-ya
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [with extreme patience] So you’re saying that you sold it to –
TSUKUYO: Your boss, yeah.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Kondou-san?
TSUKUYO: No, no. The other one.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Hijikata-san?!
TSUKUYO: The other other one. That stinky old geezer. Always down here.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Oh. Matsudaira-san.
TSUKUYO: Yeah, that guy.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: But why would you sell it to him?!
HINOWA: Well, he offered us 60,000 yen for it, to begin with.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: ... Okay, that’s a compelling reason. But why did he... what did he think it....
HINOWA: [brightly] Oh, if you’re concerned it was a sex toy, don’t worry! It definitely wasn’t.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: No, I know that, but does he?
TSUKUYO: Who knows what goes on in the minds of these perverts?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Oh my God.
TSUKUYO: That stalker shinobi certainly didn’t seem to realise that it wasn’t fit for human use. She asked me to show her what to do with it. Like I’d show her how to use a dirty old [REDACTED] she found on the ground.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: ... I see. So how did you end up with it, exactly? And why?
TSUKUYO: Well, it was obviously worth something. And Sarutobi is cheap, so it wasn’t hard to convince her to leave it here for a while.
HINOWA: [helpfully] Tsukki paid her off in bromides of Gin-san that she just happened to have lying around.
TSUKUYO: Shut up!
HINOWA: But then Matsudaira-san wandered past, and he made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. He said something about needing a last-minute gift for someone special. Whatever that object is, it’s with that perverted old... that valued customer now.
TAMA: Yamazaki-san, is this something to be concerned about? Is it something that could potentially corrupt my files?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: More than you know.
TAMA: Should we go to Matsudaira-san and explain the situation? I’m sure he will be understanding if we tell him that his clandestine sex toy purchase was made in error.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: No!!! I mean... this is a delicate operation. I need to think about how best to approach this.
TSUKUYO: Well, can you think about it somewhere else? You’re not exactly great for business.
TAMA: I understand. We will leave immediately.
TSUKUYO: I was talking about him.
END TRANSCRIPT
***
OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT CORRESPONDENCE: FOR ARCHIVE
Dear Sho-chan,
We have the honour to acknowledge the receipt of your most gracious farewell gift on our return to our home planet of Oukaku.
In the absence of any card or other information, we are forced to assume that it is some kind of mystery egg. We have assigned our loyal retainer, Jii, the important duty of sitting on it around the clock to incubate it until it hatches. We are sure that whatever is inside will make a wonderful addition to our menagerie.
Yours in true love and peace,
His Royal Highness
Imperial Prince Hata
Planet Oukaku
-
Katakuriko –
I just received this letter from Prince Hata of Oukaku. I knew I could trust you to find the perfect farewell gift. An egg for his menagerie is both thoughtful and kind. Thank you for allowing me to rely on you as always.
Yours, Shige Shige
-
Sure, an egg. That sounds good.
- K.
***
VICE CAPTAIN’S LOG
MERCHANT FLEET KAIENTAI
April 30th
Departure Planet Drgdfgd
En route to Konton System
Departed with cargo of men’s swimwear, 7 crates of gold-tipped cigarillos, 400 Tomoe-5000 limited edition action figures, and breadfruit. Passed though Oguban Asteroid Belt without incident. Sakamoto caught sleeve in garbage disposal. Yelling.
May 1st
Arrival Konton System
Offloaded cigarillos and men’s swimwear. Two days’ scheduled R&R.
May 2nd
Departure Konton System
R&R cut short. Sakamoto insists familiarity with local customs & language. Execution order from the Konton royal family suggests otherwise. Forced to flee without full payment. Will need to make up shortfall.
May 3rd
Deep space
Scouts spotted Oukaku imperial vessel 15:45:58. Boarding completed without casualties. Haul: one suit of fine clothes; four giant squid; four giraffes; one egg, unknown origin, unknown value, slightly dented. Was also offered old man sitting on egg. Declined offer.
May 4th
Arrival Planet Bangtan
Offloaded Tomoe-5000 action figures and breadfruit. No buyers for egg without knowing what will hatch out of it. Sakamoto refuses to take it to specialist. Insists mystery enhances its value.
May 5th
Departure Planet Bangtan
Arrival Planet Beam Space Station
Offloaded squid and giraffe. No takers for egg.
Sakamoto thrown out of space station bar at 03:45:15. On the hook for damages + harassment lawsuit.
May 6th
Planet Beam Space Station
Sakamoto exchanged egg with an Amanto he met in a bar for 6000 pairs of jeggings of substandard quality. Idiot.
May 7th
Departure Beam Space Station
Deep space
Detected distress signal from small craft 17:35:12. Ran credentials and IDed craft as vessel reported stolen by Earth’s bakufu one day earlier with substantial reward offered. Onboarded craft with no incident. Crew: one human male, one maidroid (make: Robot Maid Etsuko-chan series; manufacturer: Hayashi Research Facility). Positively identified by Sakamoto: ‘Oh, they’re friends of Kintoki’s.’
On being informed that we intended to return vessel for the reward money, maidroid insisted craft was not stolen ‘but wanted to help us once we explained the situation’. No idea of meaning, but Sakamoto (idiot) refused to turn in friends of Kintoki’s & had crew repair bakufu craft.
Maidroid asked after an ‘egg’ we had ‘commandeered from Oukaku vessel’ and seemed distressed when told it had been exchanged for jeggings.
Vessel repaired & departed. Too bad about the reward money.
***
Audio transcript of contact with Vessel NKMA-01
TAMA: Come in, Vessel NKMA-01. Can you read me? Come in. We need to speak with you urgently.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: [wetly] All right, all right, keep your pants on. I was in the bath.
TAMA: I apologise for interrupting your bath, Captain-sama.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I’ll keep this brief, Captain. Two days ago, did you trade a large quantity of clothing items in exchange for a small, rounded black device about this big?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: You mean, did I make the trade of a lifetime? You bet your sweet arse I did.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Just to clarify: so you did, in fact, trade six thousand pairs of jeggings for....
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: For the future glory and triumph of the Kuwo Federation, yeah.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: ... I’m sorry, excuse me?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: You heard me.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Well, we would really like it back. It’s actually very important.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: [laughing obnoxiously] Can you believe this guy? We’ve got a joker on our hands.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: What would you consider a fair trade for it?
TAMA: Please, Captain-sama.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: A fair trade for the future of my people? You can’t be serious.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I feel like maybe we’re not on the same page. Why is the... device the future of your people?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Tell me, boy, have you ever experienced the humiliation of having your army’s uniform fall apart mid-battle?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Not that specific humiliation, no.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Well, I have. Last week, me and my men attempted to invade Planet Bukotu in our snazzy brand-new uniforms. We would’ve made short work of those Bukotu scum too, if the stitchwork hadn’t been so damn shoddy.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: ... Sorry?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Crotch split right open at the seams! And it wasn’t just me – all my men were running about, shrieking and trying to cover their shame. Downright embarrassing, it was.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: While I’m sorry for your, er, failed invasion attempt, I’m still not quite sure how this pertains to the device. Could you please further explain it to me?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Well, when that laughing idiot offered to take my six thousand pairs of ripped jeggings in return for a weapon of mass destruction, well, I would’ve had to’ve been touched in the head not to accept the trade, wouldn’t I? I’d be a poor excuse for a leader if I didn’t take the opportunity for some dramatic irony and all that, given that he was going to unwittingly become the destroyer of his own people. And in return for what? Shitty jeggings! These opportunities don’t come along often, I tell you what. Gotta take ’em when you can.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I’m completely lost.
TAMA: I think that Captain-sama is saying that he is going to use my memory bank to destroy the Earth.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [calmly] Can it do that?
TAMA: No.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Well, she would say that. And what do you mean, memory bank?
TAMA: [majestically] The ‘opportunity’, as you called it, Captain-sama, is my memory bank, which had been removed for the purposes of backing it up. It is incapable of blowing up a bottle of beer, let alone a planet. However, you are most welcome to try.
[There is a pause in conversation while the Captain plugs Tama-san’s memory bank into his console. Nothing happens.]
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Well, ain’t that a shame. [sighs] Guess sometimes you just have to resort to the good ol’ long-range thermonuclear attack. Some things are a classic for a reason, eh?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Wait, what?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Do you really expect me to just let this kind of disgrace go unanswered? It was an Earthling who sold us these stylish-but-defective uniforms, and it’s Earthlings who’re gonna pay.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: [muttered] I don’t get paid enough for this. [louder] How about we just hand over the person who sold them to you, and they can face the kind of mild justice reserved for those who sell substandard goods?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: He called himself Yorozuya Gin-chan, Purveyor of Fine Apparel and Locator of Missing Pets.
TAMA: Oh.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Oh.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: And he did find my beloved Bibby-Bubby, which I do appreciate, believe you me. But you don’t just sell a man clothes that rip open at the least opportune moment, putting his most private places on display for all and sundry to gaze upon. You just don’t.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: And I understand that that must have been very distressing for you, sir. But surely you should let justice take its course, rather than destroying his entire planet?
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: That is how justice takes its course.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Ah. I see.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: We are a very straightforward people.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I’m getting that impression. [hisses] Tama-san! Call Hijikata-san!
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Too late! Your precious Hijikata-san cannot save you now! Ha ha ha!
TAMA: No!
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Stop, dammit!
[There is a long silence, punctuated only by the sound of a button being pressed repeatedly.]
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Huh? What’s wrong with this stupid thing?
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: What do you mean, ‘what’s wrong with this stupid thing’? What the hell is wrong with you? Who does that?!
TAMA: Captain-sama, I believe that your ship’s computer has decided that it will not allow you to destroy the Earth.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: It’ll do whatever I bloody well tell it to do. It’s a computer. It doesn’t have opinions.
TAMA: This is only a hypothesis, but I think that it may have seen my memories of Earth when you plugged in my memory bank, and decided that it did not want to destroy it.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: What kind of touchy-feely bullshit is this? Oh, well – if I can’t destroy the Earth, then I’m going to destroy something. Computer! I order you to blow up that ship, and the two imbeciles on board!
[There is again the sound of buttons being pushed.]
TAMA: [determinedly] It would be very understandable if that is what happened. Although Earth can be confusing and frightening, it is also wonderful and strange. The people of Edo have become my friends, even though I am, as you say, a computer. Perhaps your ship is wondering if it, too, could find understanding and acceptance among humans.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Ta–Tama-san....
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: That’s fine. Manual override exists for a reason – what?! Hey! [incoherent yelling]
TAMA: In order to reach the manual override button, I imagine that you would need your ship’s computer to turn the gravity back on. By your apparent distress, I also imagine that you would benefit greatly if the computer raised the ship’s oxygen levels, or the levels of whatever it may be that you breathe. I am sorry, I have not encountered your species before.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: [gurgling noises]
TAMA: Captain-sama, will you do us the honour of not blowing up the Earth or our ship, as well as doing us the additional kindness of returning my memory bank? I would be most obliged.
CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER: Yeurrggh....
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I’ll take that as a yes.
[There is a series of thumps and groans as Vessel NKMA-01’s gravity is turned back on.]
TAMA: We will board your vessel shortly. Please make the necessary preparations.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Phew! Tama-san, that was... amazing. You saved my life. Again. You saved us all!
TAMA: I merely did what I was supposed to. I am programmed to serve.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: I think you’re underselling yourself. I think you’re incredible. I mean... that what you did was incredible. No. You’re incredible.
TAMA: I could not have done it without you. I am grateful for your assistance.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Tama-san....
TAMA: Yamazaki-san, I... [hesitant] I find that I am sorry that I will not remember these past few days. I have very much enjoyed our time together, even if an excessive amount of it was spent knee-deep in rubbish. I understand that humans do not find such things enjoyable.
YAMAZAKI Sagaru: Tama-san, I have enjoyed nothing more in my life than being knee-deep in rubbish with you.
END TRANSCRIPT
- Transcriber’s note: I never did find out what that guy’s name was. Under the circumstances, I feel like this is excusable or even commendable. I was too focused on the urgent task at hand to be worried about such trifling matters.
- I’m glad that you consider our relations with the Kuwo Federation to be trifling. General Maken will be thrilled to know that you didn’t bother finding out his name before you very nearly started an intergalactic war with him over a robot maid’s memory bank. You do realise that we could’ve just asked the Kuwo ambassador in Edo about getting it back, right? And why did you steal a bakufu ship? Do you realise how much brown-nosing I have to do to smooth this over??? There’s a ten-foot stack of paperwork here with your name on it. Enjoy.
– H.T.
- Great job, Yamazaki!!! That was a wild ride from start to finish. :D
– K.I.
***
Dear Tama-san,
I know by now your memory bank has been replaced, and you won’t remember anything about the last few days... although in that case, maybe you don’t remember that you lost your memory bank in the first place? Did Gengai-san happen to explain anything to you after he’d finished repairing the dent from danna’s asscheek? I hope I haven’t startled you by revealing you lost your memory bank!
I don’t think this letter makes any sense. But I hope you’ll take the time to look through this parcel, and that, given you don’t remember anything, it doesn’t seem too strange for me to be sending you a letter! I had to raid the Shinsengumi evidence locker for some of the videos and transcripts, which means they’ll never be able to be seen by anyone else, but given what an arsehole Hijikata is and how he’ll never respect me anyway I think it’s more important for you to have them than for anyone else to know what happened. They’re your precious memories after all and Even though you don’t remember anything, I hope you’ll see here how much fun we had together I hope you will enjoy reviewing the enclosed material and it will be informative and interesting.
Please don’t worry about things like the cost of replacing the bakufu vessel we crashed – the Vice-Chief has already arranged to dock 50% of my monthly pay for the next forty-three years until it’s paid off.
I have also included three puddings. I hope you like them!
Fondest Regards,
Yamazaki Sagaru (from the Shinsengumi)
***
In the darkened Snack House, Tama carefully places the letter back into the box. She contemplates the box’s contents for a few seconds, then pulls out one of the pudding cups.
Cradling it gently in her hands, she takes it across the room and places it on the bar, next to a bowl. She empties the pudding into the bin and places the empty cup into the bowl. She then fetches a small bottle of gasoline and pours it over the top. The plastic of the pudding cup glistens enticingly in the half-light. It is a very thoughtful gift.
Smiling, she closes her eyes and pulls up her internal email client.
Dear Yamazaki-san....