Chapter Text
18 October, 2013
Dear diary,
Starting a new diary feels like turning over a new leaf. The Fall in Manhattan is beautiful but not as beautiful as my new home. Renovating Henry's room has had a calming effect on me. Chuck insisted on a break from work, and after an apt display of defiance, I relented. My duck feet thanked me in solitude. Though in the last year, Mother has taken a backseat, but I can bet she appreciates the chance to be captain of the ship again. Eleanor may not be the warmest mothers, but she was comically glad I took the break. Every time she looked at my belly I felt like she was putting imaginary oven mitts on.
This has got me thinking the kind of mother I want to be. Eleanor does love me, I am aware. But, there is a corner of my heart where resentment hides for the way she treated a younger me. I want to try better with Henry. I already know Chuck will be a fantastic father. He is so attentive and attuned to my needs. I feel lucky and ready to enter this new phase in my life.
I wish Serena had stayed in New York. LA feels so far away and I resent calling for her when I know she is occupied with her new movie project, or selecting the perfect dress for the Golden Globes. That uncultured beau of hers wouldn't have made things easy anyway. It was no shock that Serena took LA by storm, what shocks me every once in a while is her utter lack of revelation that she is stuck with a toad. I hope she visits New York soon. Nate has taken on a role of a surrogate Serena in the time being. The Spectator has finally taken off the launch pad and he is a busy man. I do appreciate him taking time out for me, if only I didn't harass the man. I blame my hormones. It has been a wonderful seven months of blaming my hormones for every discretion. But once Henry is in my arms, I wonder if I will be a changed woman.
--x--
5 December, 2013
Dear Diary,
Nate fainted. I would have burst out laughing if it weren't for the fact that I had just given birth to an eight pound human being and was low on blood pressure. I daintily collapsed on my bed and watched my poor crying baby through a small slit in my tired eyes. He was beautiful, just perfect. No wonder his uncle Nate fainted. Chuck was away on a business trip and I just know he will be so proud of our boy when he gets to hold Henry in his arms.
Serena visited me in the afternoon. I was angry she wasn't with me the whole day, but I was in a compliant mood with my baby nestled in my arm. It was nice to have all the people I loved in the room. I was glad Humphrey had chosen to stay behind in LA. The day was just perfect. I fell asleep looking forward for my husband meeting his son.
--x--
27 May, 2014
Dear Diary,
Chuck complains about Henry and then ten minutes later I find the man cooing my son to sleep. I couldn't have expected better of Chuck, well that is when he is in Manhattan. Sometimes it's difficult to remember we both are just twenty four. My mother gives me a snide look that says I should have listened to her advice of having the baby later. But having lost a baby, I wasn't losing another. She should be glad that I didn't end up a teen mother, I suppose I have to thank Nate's utter lack of interest in me for that.
The love I have for Henry is so intense and more than any other love I have ever had, it surprises me. I couldn't resent my boy even if he demanded my very life. Not to sound like a poetic mess, but motherhood feels like an ocean from which all other kinds of love are borne. I sound as pathetic as Dan Humphrey. That should mean I am definitely sleep deprived. I might have neglected journaling in the past few months, but only because I am busy using all minutes being dead to the world whenever possible. Is that Henry I hear? Ughh. I knew I should have slept.
--x--
4 December, 2014
Dear Diary,
I thought I wouldn't be able to find words for describing today. But, I'm so angry I could write for hours. My beautiful boy turns one tomorrow. A complete year of being a mother. If there was anything I have discovered in this twelve months, I live for Henry before I live for anyone else. And maybe that's the reason I have been able to see what my love for Chuck did not allow me to see.
Our house was decorated, invites sent to our loved ones and Dorota had even curated the menu. I wanted Henry to celebrate his first birthday with the people who truly cared for him and wished him all the love. It did not even occur to me to make it into a corporate affair and utilize it as a way to socialize with my associates. It did occur to someone though and that unfortunately was my husband. Without me knowing he shifted the party to The Empire. My son will be an accessory on my husbands arm tomorrow who will parade the room showing to all what a wonderful father he has been this past year. While Henry has to stare at unknown faces, wear an uncomfortable suit getting an induction into what being a Bass man means.
I want to storm into the ballroom decorated for tomorrow and tear every chandelier and tassels down with my own hands. The only thing stopping me is to not deprive Henry of the memories of his first birthday. He might not remember them, but he will look back at the pictures and see how much he was loved and I would do nothing to ruin it. I just hope my anger does not reach it's boiling point by tomorrow or else god save the socialites who are attending tomorrow. I will leave broken limbs in my path.
---x---
23 May, 2015
Dear Diary,
I was in Paris for an entire week and I did not shop. The whole way to the airport, I expected officials to pull me aside for the cultural disrespect. But I'm back in New York now with shopping bags full of regret.
I could even feel Henry giving me judgmental glances. If there was anyone glad to have us back, it was Dorota. She said she missed Henry. I have been dethroned and though it pickles my temper sometimes, I love it.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the other Humphrey spawn who makes me wish for partial amnesia, especially of my school years. But I had to convince Eleanor this was indeed a good idea. She gave in reluctantly. I figured she was still hurt by teen Jenny's rebellious snub. Little J has grown into her own and her designs do have character. I could swallow being in close proximity with the Humphrey's again to do what's best for W.
Speaking of Humphreys, the other devil spawn is still attached to S at the hips. I had given them six months, a hazardous miscalculation. Serena does seem happy, although that could be because of the new Japanese spa she inaugurated recently in LA.
---x---
12 January, 2016
Dear Diary,
Winter in New York has its charm. The winter designs at W were a hit. I was proud of especially this line because it included a little something for everyone. Chuck has bought us a new home in Paris. Right in the middle Rue de Marseille. Me, Chuck and Henry had spent our third anniversary and Henry second birthday at the quaint little mansion. Sometimes I look at my reflection and it is difficult to come to terms with the woman I have become. Blair Waldorf I see looking back at me has everything she had ever wished for. I am happy, truly. I couldn't have ever asked for more, god knows I have tried. Yet my reflection refuses to accept this fact. I see this glint in my eyes, accompanied by a single peculiar line below my eyes that suggest sadness. That would be mad, truly diabolically mad.
I have nothing to be sad over. I do not.
----x----
26 November, 2016
Dear Diary,
I hate Nate's new girl toy. He has this aura around him now - one of success and confidence, which is an attractive complexion on the man. But I did wish he would take more notice about the moths that his new flame attracted. He is still the oblivious, good old mama's boy. I wish Serena had stayed behind. At least moping over her would have diverted him from dating upper-east castaways. He told me last week he was thinking of moving beyond The Spectator. Though it might be a good decision, for lord knows the man is capable of much more than handling a glorified tabloid, I wonder if that will plunge him back into the phase of his life where he didn't know which day it was and which year's fashion he wore. I would never accept this to his face, but I worry about him. His eyes still stutter when I mention Serena and not to mention he has been to all across the country but conveniently never to LA.
I did share this with Chuck, but he just scoffed and told me to stop scheming to ruin Serena's current relationship. That was terrible shortsighted, because I would never dare of destroying Serena's relationship with that appalling wannabe writer when I know it is scheduled for self-imploding very soon.
Well to be honest the delay in that implosion does worry me some. Serena's wind of gaily merriment does not include someone like Dan Humphrey. He is the moon to her storm. How could they be happy? I would never ever accept this if asked. I will never again mention it here too. The person I miss the most right now is Serena, but there is a part of me that hopes to see Humphrey again. If asked for reasons, the only justifiable one would be delusion and probable early onset of dementia. No matter how many times I say to Serena I'm glad she left Humphrey behind in LA when she comes to New York, there is a slight discomfort in my heart like someone playing chess alone and disrupting the board. I want to see the man, the stupid fool who somehow had a lot in common with me. I would very much like to burn this page, but this is the only place I do not lie. So, I will let it be here for now. I cannot promise I won't violently tear it out tomorrow at the late realization of disgust.
----x----
8 April, 2017
Dear Diary,
I received a rather distressing call late at night yesterday. Usually I cannot wait to scribble it all in my diary, but this time I slept on it. I smiled to Chuck and rolled my eyes as I relayed the news. He wasn't shocked but was rather amused by it. Henry slept snuggled in my arms yesterday. That made all the unwelcome tension in my arms melt away.
In the light of the new day, I have to agree with Chuck. The news wasn't unexpected after all. Serena and Dan have been together for almost five years now. Everybody, even Dorota expected a proposal. I had never mentioned it to Serena, lest I make her wish for it, but even I knew it was bound to happen. Serena had called me as soon as the deed was done, sounding as high as Rick in Casablanca, at the throes of marriage instead of mourning a lost love. I would have been more happy with the latter situation.
Dan had proposed just after the screening of her latest movie. I want to blame her saying yes to the high of her recent success, but I know better. She was in love with the wastrel and has been since forever. She had said yes and posted a very attractive picture with her fiancé on Instagram. I had stared at the picture for so long as though I was solving a complicated puzzle with just thought. I wasn't staring at the huge reddish asscher diamond, I was looking at the droll expression on Dan and somehow I saw the smile that wasn't there in my mind. He would look at Serena and scoff inaudibly and tilt his head to the left with a smirk lingering at the left of his lips as though holding his laughter tight within. I wonder if he had indeed looked at Serena in that way, or was that expression only mine?
Was Dan Serena's epic love? Like Chuck was mine? Was Chuck truly my epic love?