Chapter Text
Ranboo dropped down into a squat to dodge Tommy’s punch. In a flash, they then stretched up and grabbed his arm. They sharply yanked it downwards and sent Tommy tumbling to the floor.
Unfortunately for Ranboo, Tommy’s main strength was being quick on his feet. He promptly sprang back up to his feet and propelled himself at Ranboo. He wrapped his lanky arms around Ranboo’s waist as he sent them both tumbling to the ground.
The boy raised up his fist to punch the enderman but as he brought it down Ranboo vanished in a poof of lilac. Tommy looked around wildly, quickly rising up and shuffling into a sloppy fighting stance. A poof of purple formed behind Tommy’s back and Ranboo appeared. Before Tommy noticed them, they kicked out the boy’s legs from below him.
Tommy’s back hit the hard floor and he let out a grunt in pain. Tubbo’s boisterous laugh arose from the target range about ten feet away.
“Fuck off!” Tommy yelled in Tubbo’s direction.
Ranboo chuckled at their peer’s antics and reached out their hand to Tommy to help him up. “Do you yield?” they asked with a strong sound of sass in their voice. Tommy looked up at them with his typical theatric rage.
“You too boob bitch you can fuck off as well!” Ranboo just laughed more at this and pushed their hand towards Tommy once again, silently reinstating the offer of aid getting up. The boy groaned and rolled his eyes before accepting and being pulled up to his feet by Ranboo.
The boy dragged his feet over to the benches, muttering under his breath about how Ranboo cheated in their sparring match, meanwhile, Ranboo grabbed towels out of a tub for the both of them. They quickly walked over to Tommy as tossed one onto his lap.
Ranboo rubbed the sweat off of their forehead and out of their hair whereas Tommy just threw it onto his head and slouched into the benches. Ranboo made their way over to the knife-throwing range where Tubbo stood, also offering him a towel to which Tubbo shook his head.
“No thank’s big man. I’m good!”
Ranboo put up a thumbs up and laid both of the towels on a nearby stool. Tommy huffed dramatically.
“I just don’t get it! How does Ran-boob win every time!?” the boy complained.
“I’ve told you this before Tommy, so has Dream and Wilbur,” Ranboo began. Tubbo offered some throwing knives to Ranboo, to which the enderman gladly accepted, they started aiming. “Your stance is bad. Yeah, you’re fast and can get up most of the time, but other time’s you take too hard of a fall and can’t get up quick enough.” Bullseye.
Tommy made a fart noise with his mouth and tore the towel off of his face. “Oh did Dream tell you that? Since you’re his favorite student after all!” He asked sarcastically and turned away from facing Tubbo and Ranboo sharply.
Ranboo sighed and Tubbo patted their shoulder comfortingly. “Don’t worry big man, he’s just pissed he wasn’t chosen for the last mission.” Ranboo smiled slightly.
“But you are also Dream’s favorite.” Ranboo’s smile immediately dropped and they groaned. Tubbo laughed and then launched his last knife at his target.
Gradually, the sound of muffled yelling started growing louder and the training room door was burst open. Sam walked in, dragging a man by his shackled wrists. The man was kicking and trying to yell around his gagged mouth.
Tommy gasped and ran over to the creeper hybrid and bounced on his feet in front of him. “Sam! Big Man! The bravest bounty hunter ever, how are you!?”
Tubbo let out an ‘ooo!’ noise in interest and bounced over to Sam. The goat hybrid crouched down in front of the screaming man. He pointed to the man and looked up at Sam. “Why does Dream want this one?”
Ranboo wandered over a bit but mainly maintained their distance.
“He’s a knight for the Arctic Empire, Dream wants information from him on their military movements.” The creeper hybrid looked down and kicked the man in the side. “Stop squirming, it will make this better for you.” Sam dragged the man out of the room and into Dream’s office without another word.
-
“Two sixes.” Ranboo said as they placed two cards on the pile.
“Bullshit! Flip them over Ranboo!” Tubbo yelled.
Ranboo groaned and flipped over their cards to reveal a nine and an ace.
“Welp sucks to suck big guy. Take the pile of cards.” Tommy smirked.
Ranboo slid the cards over to them and started to sort through them before the group was interrupted by Sam opening the door. “Dream wants you in his office.”
Tommy puffed up his chest and pushed himself to his feet. “You know, I knew I was Dream’s favorite all along!”
“No not you Tommy,” Sam pointed at Ranboo. “Them.”
Tommy visibly deflated at this. He rolled his eyes and sat back down. He muttered under his breath, “of-fucking-course.” Ranboo pointed at themself with a confused look on their face. “Me?” Sam nodded and jerked his head towards the room exit, signaling for Ranboo to follow him.
Ranboo pushed themself up and followed Sam out of the room, giving his cards to Tubbo for which he got flipped off for doing.
“So… Am I in trouble for something, or…?” Ranboo started.
Sam waved him off. “Nah, nah… You’re not in trouble. In fact, I would say the opposite.”
Ranboo cocked their head to the side. “The opposite?” The two arrived at the door and Sam pushed it open for them. “You’ll see.” Ranboo stepped inside as Sam shut the door behind him.
“Ranboo! Take a seat! We’ve got lots to discuss.” Dream said, his hands clasped together on his desk.
Ranboo nervously pulled up a chair and sat down. They twiddled their thumbs and gulped. “So what did you want to discuss with me, sir?”
“Ah, about that,” He pushed a file forward. “It’s time for your first target.” Ranboo’s eyes widened. They grabbed the file and opened it. As they opened it an image of an older-looking man with a crown was attached to a paper listing details about the said man.
“The Arctic Empire is on the move. They threaten us Ranboo, they don’t like people like us,” Dream placed both of his hands on the table edge and pushed himself up. “Outsiders. The people who opposed me giving you your personhood? That’s them.” He pointed at the image of the man.
“I need you to take out Emperor Philza.” Ranboo was surprised, to say the least. Their first mission and it was to take out the emperor of the Arctic Empire? “You are to sneak into a hay cart, that will take you directly into the royal stable which is inside the palace.”
Ranboo nodded. “Yes sir, sounds like an easy enough operation.”
Dream sucked in a sharp breath. “Yes, you would think that but…” He flipped over the page in the file to reveal a photo of a piglin, who was also wearing a crown. “This is the king of the Arctic Empire, King Techno. He stands at seven feet tall and is very skilled in all forms of combat. If he catches you, you will fail.”
Ranboo hummed, taking the knowledge in. Dream tilted his head. “What do you think is the best course of action in this scenario?” The enderman hummed and pursed their lips, deep in thought for a few seconds.
“I think that attacking swiftly while the King and Emporer are both asleep would be best. Not only does it make the assassination easier it would also aid in my escape.”
Dream nodded his head and clapped his hands in approval. He circled around the table and stood behind Ranboo, putting his hands on their shoulders. “Just remember Ranboo,” He leaned in close to their ear.
“I made you a person. Don’t let me down.”
Ranboo felt the enderpearl in their chest buzz nervously and an uncomfortable shiver went down their spine. They sucked in a breath. “Of course, sir. I won’t. Is there anything else I should know for this mission?”
Dream stepped away from them and circled back to his own chair, however, he didn’t yet sit down. “A good thing for you to keep in mind is that the palace is very tight-knit. It won’t do you any good to pose as a servant or a guard.”
Ranboo caught on quickly. “So that’s why you need me, I can teleport and that makes this a swift mission.”
Dream nodded his head and sat back down in his chair. “You’re dismissed. You’ll hijack a cart in the morning.”
-
Ranboo opened the door slowly, trying not to make a sound. They tiptoed over to their cot and laid down. The enderman let out a big sigh and relaxed into their mattress.
“Big man!” Tubbo flipped over the edge of his and Ranboo’s bunk bed as he whispered yelled.
Ranboo jumped at the sudden shock and hit their head on the bottom of the top bunk. They rubbed their head in the spot it was hit and looked up at Tubbo.
“What was that for!?” They whispered.
Tubbo climbed down from his bunk and sat down next to Ranboo on their bunk. “What did you talk about with Dream?” He leaned in close. “Are you in trouble? Am I in trouble?” Ranboo sighed.
“I’m fine Tubbo. I don’t know if I’m supposed to say but…” They looked around. “I’m going on my first mission tomorrow.”
Tubbo gasped and grabbed Ranboo’s wrists. “Where are you going!? How long are you going to be gone!? Whe-”
“SHHHHH, don’t wake up Tommy.” They pointed at the sleeping boy and Tubbo looked over. “Okay, okay okay okay. I’m going to the Arctic Empire, I’m going to kill Emperor Philza, and I’m heading out at three am so I need to sleep.” Ranboo pulled their blankets over themself and flopped back into a laying position.
Tubbo stretched his arms up and yawned. “Okay big guy, good luck on your mission.” He got off of Ranboo’s bed and climbed up the ladder back onto the top bunk. “Sleep tight!” He called down. Ranboo let out a muffled “You too.” that was heavily laced with sleepiness.
The room was quiet for a moment. The enderman felt themself slowly beginning to drift off before they noticed a presence beside their bed. They opened their eyes slowly to see Tommy crouched down beside the bed, who then proceeded to pat their face harshly a few times.
“What do you want Tommy?” Ranboo asked sleepily.
Tommy huffed, annoyance clear on his face. “Did you and Tubbo really think I wouldn’t hear your little conversation?”
Ranboo sighed and sat up in their bed. “I was just trying to be considerate and not wake you up.” Tommy rolled his eyes. “Oh bullshit Ranboo. You’re Dream’s favorite, his beloved super spy. You knew I was awake.” He crossed his arms.
Ranboo pinched their nose bridge and groaned. “Tommy I’m not always listening intently to people’s breathing to tell if they’re awake. Especially not you or Tubbo, you guys are my friends!”
Tommy slumped down onto Ranboo’s mattress. The two assassins sat in silence for a second. “Ranboo?”
“Yeah, Tommy?” Ranboo rubbed their eyes. Tommy looked up at them. “Why doesn’t Dream ever notice me? I mean you’re above average but why do you get a mission first. At the least, we three should have gone together I thought we were a team.”
The enderman rubbed Tommy’s hair. “I think Dream just wanted someone who could get in and out quick, and because I can teleport he thought I would be the quickest. I’m sure you’ll have the next mission.” Tommy smiled slightly before punching Ranboo’s arm.
“Thanks. I guess. Maybe you aren’t so bad.” Tommy stood up and walked back over to his bed. “Ran-boob.” Ranboo exhaled some air and soon enough the room fell into quiet.
-
Ranboo appeared in a poof of magenta and quickly ducked into a bush. A leaf ended up in their mouth and they quickly spit it out. When they looked around they were right outside the palace gate, it had a guard waiting at it. It was very early in the morning before the sun had risen. They just needed to wait for the wagon to show up.
Soon enough it did. There was a woman with a woven sunhat riding a white horse that was attached to a wagon. She hopped off the horse and walked up to the guard standing in front of the gate. Ranboo knew it was their chance.
They teleported behind the wagon. After looking at the woman and the guard, they concluded they were distracted so they took the opportunity to bury themself under the hay on the cart. They also took note that there was meat on the cart. ‘What were they feeding these horses?’ Ranboo thought to himself.
When they heard the woman walking back to the cart they sucked in a breath. Ranboo waited in suspense for what felt like an eternity before finally, the cart started moving.
They pushed open a small hole in the hay after a few minutes of the cart driving. Not big enough for them to get a super clear view of anything but good enough for a basic idea of the cart’s surroundings.
There were some kids playing in the street, a man carrying a bag, something that looked like a restaurant, and it all-around seemed to be a pleasant environment. A group of guards walked by and Ranboo quickly closed the hole they were looking out of.
Soon enough the terrain changed from the very bumpy, probably stone road, that the cart had been on to a softer, probably dirt, road. The wagon finally came to a stop after a minute or two and Ranboo heard footsteps walking away and a large set of doors close.
They waited for a minute to make sure no one was there before emerging from underneath the hay. Ranboo took a moment to spit the hay that had gotten in their mouth out and to brush it off of their clothes and hair.
They looked around the stables. There were horses, notably the white horse that was previously attached to a wagon and a brown horse with a golden nameplate above its stable reading ‘Carl’.
Ranboo grabbed an apple and a handful of hay from the cart and strode over to Carl’s stable. They placed the food on the ground in front of it and rubbed its snout. The enderman smiled. They always had a liking for animals. There used to be a Siamese cat who Ranboo named Jjjjjjjjeffrey who always hanged around the base camp.
Ranboo pushed back away from the stable only to feel something bump into his shoulder blades and a low growl came from behind. They jumped in their own skin and slowly turned around only to come face to face with a polar bear.
They put their hands out in front of themself and started to back away slowly. “Shhhh, hey hey hey, easy, easy boy. I don’t want to hurt you.” Ranboo tried to plea with the polar bear. It started sniffing its way up Ranboo. They tensed, ready to teleport away but was pleasantly surprised when the polar bear just huffed and slowly walked itself away. Ranboo let out a sigh in relief and put their hands down.
They poked their head outside one of the stable windows. ‘Crap.’ They thought. It wasn’t nighttime yet. Dream had said they needed to wait until night to attack, or else the risk of getting stopped by the guards or prime forbid King Techno was far too high. ‘I need a place to lay low until night.’ Ranboo thought. They examined the stables and noticed an empty stable.
The enderman grabbed the hay and dumped a majority of it in the empty stable, just enough for them to hide under. They took a seat in the stable, close enough to the hay that they could quickly get under if they heard anyone came near. ‘Guess I’m waiting this out till night.’ Ranboo thought.
-
Ranboo stood up and stretched his arms. Unsurprisingly sitting in a stable for hours straight isn’t super comfortable. Finally, it was nighttime. The only light in the stables was the light from the lamps outside leaking through the windows.
The enderman stepped towards the stable doors that lead into the castle. Ranboo pushed their ear against the door, listening for any signs of life. They placed their hand on the door handle ready to pull it open, but before they did they paused and dropped their hand. ‘If I open this door and it’s loud I’ll be caught for sure.’ Ranboo thought. They took a deep breath in. In a meer second they disappeared in a poof of lilac and appeared in a puff of purple on the other side of the door.
They looked around frantically, making sure no guards were in the halls. Ranboo let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding. ‘Okay. Time to find the emperor’s room.’ They thought.
Ranboo looked at their surroundings. There were three paths. Left, right, and up the stairs. ‘Strategically no one would put a countries leader’s bedroom on a ground-level floor, it would be too easy to get in.’ The enderman concluded. Ranboo nodded and proceeded up the stairs.
They took a step forward but immediately stopped when a loud click rang down the hall. “Uh oh.” Ranboo whispered. ‘My shoes are going to be too loud on the marble floor.’ They thought to themself. The ender hybrid quickly took off their shoes and held them in their right hand. They looked around trying to find a discrete place to put them but couldn’t find anything. ‘You’re telling me these rich people don’t even have a trash bin here?’ Ranboo thought bitterly.
They sat in thought for a moment, thinking of a place to put their shoes that was out of the way. Suddenly an idea formed in their head. They took the laces of the shoes and unraveled them halfway and used the remaining lacing to tie the shoes around their waist.
Ranboo let out a sigh of relief. ‘Now that that’s out of the way,’ They thought, pulling their knife out of their thigh holster. ‘Time to kill an old man.’ They proceeded up the stairs. Luckily, their socks were much quieter on the floor than their shoes.
On the good side, there was only one hallway upstairs. On the bad side, however, there were a lot of doors. The black and white kid moved at a steady pace down the hall, stopping at every door.
First, they listened for any voices or feet shuffling, if they didn’t they opened the door looking for Emperor Philza.
First door. No sounds. Open the door. Empty room. Probably for storage.
Second door. No sounds. Open the door. Empty bed and average-looking yet fancy room. Probably for guests.
Sixth door. Slow breathing. A person is asleep. Open the door. Woman with puffy white hair asleep in bed. Not Emperor Philza. Before they moved on however they took a look around. There was a ship in a bottle, a map with a compass resting on it, and a captain’s hat. ‘Sailor maybe? No that wouldn’t make sense for a common sailor to be in the castle.’ Ranboo shook their head. They didn’t have time for speculating about people here.
The next few doors were more of no noises and either guest rooms or the occasional meeting room until finally, Ranboo came across another room that had slow breathing from inside. Just as they went to open the door they heard a noise behind them.
The enderman snapped around and immediately jumped into a fighting stance, ready to find an attacker. However, there wasn’t a soul to be found. Ranboo could feel their pearl buzzing with anxiety, they took some deep breaths to calm down.
‘It’s fine Ranboo, you’re just working yourself up.’ They thought. Once the humming of the enderpearl in their chest calmed down, they pushed the door open. Much to the enderman’s delight, there in the bed, sound asleep, was Emperor Philza.
Ranboo flipped their knife in their hand and tip-toed their way over to the bed of the sleeping man. The enderman raised the knife over their head, ready to bring it down and end the old man’s life, but they paused for a moment.
They had never killed anyone before. Sure they had beat up some people that Sam brought in but they never went as far as killing someone yet. Their hand faltered for a moment, maybe this wasn’t right… ‘No.’ They thought. ‘Dream said these are the people who wanted to stop him from making me a person, who knows what they’ll do to hurt others.’
Ranboo raised the knife up high above their head once again and brought it down, at least he tried to.
Out of nowhere a heavy force hit them from the side and threw them over onto the hard floor. Ranboo’s head hit the ground hard and took a second to recover before they immediately teleported behind their attacker.
The man turned around and stood up. A piglin with a scared-up face stared down at them. It didn’t take Ranboo long to figure out that they were staring at King Techno, the one person Dream specifically told them to avoid, and now he was the only person standing between Ranboo and their target.
A risky and rushed plan formed in the enderman’s head. They would teleport behind him quickly, stab the emperor and teleport back out. Sounds easy enough. Sadly for Ranboo, in the short time it took them to think up this plan, King Techno had come up with a quicker plan.
The king put all his weight into a punch that landed straight on Ranboo’s enderpearl. They let out an inhuman screech that must have woken up the whole castle and certainly woke up the emperor who jumped to consciousness. Ranboo fell to the floor in pain.
Their mind was running in circles. Their mind was mainly clouded by pain but the rational side that was still working knew one thing. King Techno knew what he was doing fighting an enderman because he has landed a hit on their pearl with the perfect amount of force to damage it enough Ranboo to not be able to teleport away, at least not without their body ripping apart. ‘Dream is not going to be happy about this…’ The enderman thought to themself.
It was hard to focus on what was happening through the haze of pain but they did notice King Techno running over to the now awake Emperor Philza, probably to make sure he was okay, and guards coming in and hoisting them up by their arms. A guard with pink hair walked up to the rulers and saluted, probably asking for directions. King Techo pointed at Ranboo and gestured something (Their lips were moving but Ranboo couldn’t hear them through the pain.) and Ranboo was dragged off as their consciousness faded.