Chapter Text
All his life, Todd had known he was quiet. It was often one of the first things people said about him- countless report cards read “Pleasure to have in class. Quiet; needs to work on participation.” When he was young, it had been endearing; he was maybe a little shy, but he was ‘polite’, ‘darling’, a ‘little gentleman’. The longer it went on, the more silence seemed to lose it’s charm. By middle school, he was ‘hey quiet kid’ more often than he was ever ‘Todd’.
For Todd, words were something to savor. Particularly good ones needed to be turned over, examined, and stored for safekeeping. They had to be chosen carefully as well, crafted into sentences not too long and not too short, not too dry but not too interesting either. In Todd’s opinion, this was the hardest part - spinning circles around the same words every day, never anything new or unusual. It felt- it felt disrespectful to him, and unfair. Words were special, and they deserved to be used in special ways. Not for nothing.
So Todd knew he was quiet. It was worth it to him - enduring the name-calling and the disappointment, from peers, parents, teachers… Knowing that he wasn’t misusing his words, being careless with them - it was worth it.
Back in elementary school, Jefferey had always been patient with him. He had waited, when Todd couldn’t find the word he wanted and sat there, deep in thought and silent waiting for it to come to him. When he found a new word, a good one, he could turn it over his tongue again and again and Jeff would never get mad at him, never raise his voice or snap - he would just ruffle his hair and say “New favorite?” and Todd would smile and duck his head, bouncing back on his heels once or twice in confirmation. Things had been good with Jefferey - safe. But one of the harsh truths of life, Todd had found, was that good things end.
When good things end, it is often loud and unpleasant. Lots of words are used when things are ending, and they are often yelled; words like “Shut the fuck up,” and “Just put some effort in for once in your goddamn life,” and “He’s your son dad, not mine. The least you could do is pretend to care.” Words like that had been the end of Jefferey, and Todd had stayed quiet for a while, 12 years old and turning “Get out of my house,” over and over in his head trying to understand it. He never quite did.
When Todd’s parents took him out of Balincrest and threw him into a new world at Welton, he tried to take it in stride. He made a plan, like he always did, pacing back and forth in his room for the 16th summer he could remember. He would keep his head down. He would stay quiet, and careful, the way people wanted him to be. If he got teased, he wouldn’t listen. He would make it through, and he would be what his parents wanted, because he saw how well rebelling had turned out for Jeff, wherever he was. He knew he was there as his parent’s do-over, knew he was there as a second choice, but he figured he might as well make the most of it.
Of course, no part of his plan involved Neil Perry. Neil Perry was careful with his words, but unafraid of them. He spoke his mind without speaking over others, and he was loud without being overpowering. Most of all, Neil Perry was kind and he was patient, and Todd fell for him. Unfortunately, when you fall for Neil Perry, it becomes impossible to keep your head down.
“Hey, Todd, are you coming to- Todd?”
Todd didn’t need to look up to recognize Neil’s voice, so he kept his eyes closed and his head pressed firmly into his knees to try and relieve the pressure building there. It wasn’t helping, particularly, and Todd didn’t say anything.
Neil closed the door gingerly and surveyed their small room. The lights were off, and Todd’s desk, usually perfectly ordered, had open textbooks and papers strewn over it, with the chair pulled out haphazardly. Neil pushed it in gently as he crossed the room and sat down on the foot of Todd’s bed, facing him cross-legged. Silence hung in the air for a moment.
“What’s going on?” Neil asked softly, barely above a whisper as he looked expectantly at his roommate.
“What’s going on?” Todd replied, his voice flat, and tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He was stupid and broken, and everyone thought so. Neil didn’t, not yet, but if Todd couldn’t pull it together and say something he wanted to hear, he would. He knew he would. Todd concentrated, took a deep breath. He said nothing and hugged his knees tighter.
Neil frowned, puzzled, and tried again to ask his friend a question. “Todd, do you - is everything okay?”
Todd almost opened his mouth to echo, but held himself back, tensing his body slightly. He was going to be careful with his words, and Neil was not going to think he was a freak. Not today at least. He looked up, finally, and saw Neil staring back at him, eyes full of concern. Todd wiped at his face, leaving small spots of water on his sleeve, and shook his head. Neil’s frown grew bigger, and he reached forward hesitantly before pulling his hand back to rest in his lap.
“Everything’s… not okay? Do you need me to- to do anything?” Neil asked slowly, ducking his head down and trying to catch Todd’s eyes, which were glued firmly on the quilt in front of him.
“Everything’s not okay,” Todd murmured immediately, and he frowned, squeezing his eyes tightly shut and breathing in shakily. He opened his eyes and looked up at Neil, willing him to understand anything that was happening. After a moment, the taller boy spoke again.
“Can you… can you tell me what’s wrong? Or how to help?”
Todd sighed. Unfortunately, it seemed like telepathy wasn’t going to answer his problems this time. He shook his head with a silent no and slumped into himself, hoping at this point the Earth would swallow him whole.
“What do you need?” Neil tried again after a moment, patient as always but growing concerned at his friend’s seemingly unresponsive state.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong? What do you need?” Todd said, the words laced with the anger and frustration that had been building in his chest. He hated being like this, broken and quiet, unable to even communicate and let people know what was wrong. He felt like a little kid again, shy and outcast and slow, and this time Jefferey wasn’t here to speak for him. He started crying in earnest now, hot, sticky tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping slowly onto his shirt. Neil sucked in a breath through his teeth, and reached out again, his hands hovering briefly in front of him before falling.
“Okay, no, you’re okay, just- You don’t have to say anything, or- or you can say whatever you want. It’s okay, I’ll ask- here.” Neil held out both his hands palm up, this time with purpose. “Do you- do you want me to stay, or come back later? Left hand for stay, and right-”
Neil didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence before Todd reached out and took Neil’s left hand, squeezing it for just a second before letting go. He sniffed softly, and reached his sleeve up to wipe his face again, now keeping his eyes trained solely on Neil's hands in between them on the bed.
“Okay,” Neil smiled slightly, breathing a sigh of relief. “Okay, I’ll stay. Let’s see, either/or questions… um.” He trailed off, biting his lip the way he did when he was deep in thought.
“Either/or questions,” Todd echoed, breaking the silence that was hanging thick in the air, clinging to his skin like fog. He hated it.
“Alright,” Neil said, sighing heavily. “I don’t- I don’t know what to do. What to say. But I care about you, and I’m not gonna leave you here alone, so we can just sit, if you want? And if you need to talk… I can listen. Whatever you have to say.” He smiled earnestly, and Todd just shook his head, rubbing his hands up and down his legs. Neil stared fixedly down, picking at Todd’s comforter with his fingernails. While still awkward, the silence was less tense than it had been moments ago, and Todd breathed out softly, trying to relax. If the tension would just leave his body for two seconds, he might be able to actually form his own words around the tightness in his throat and the cotton in his mouth.
“So,” Neil said, shifting his weight at the foot of the bed.
“So,” Todd frowned, rubbing his hands up and down his arms and looking down.
“Do you want- I don’t know if this is- okay.” Wordlessly, Neil scooted forward and opened his arms slightly, looking at Todd expectantly. For a second, they just sat there staring at each other in tense silence. Then, Todd crawled forward quickly, melting into Neil’s body and wrapping his arms around him. He closed his eyes and hummed, pressing his face against Neil’s sweater. He squeezed his arms tightly around the taller boy, and hesitantly, Neil squeezed back. Todd melted into him, the tight pressure of the hug easing the tension out of his body. Neil let his eyes close, resting his chin atop Todd’s head.
Now the silence in the room really was comfortable, and Todd could feel his breathing slow to match the soft movements of Neil’s chest. The sun had just set outside and the orange glow filtering through the window was quickly fading. After what could have been hours, but was likely only a few minutes, Neil shifted his body to look at Todd’s face.
“Todd-” he began, but was taken aback when a soft voice cut him off.
“Neil,” Todd said, the words feeling clunky on his tongue, “ thank you.”
Neil blinked, and then smiled gently, the corners of his eyes crinkling up. “Anytime, pal,” he said, and then looked awkwardly toward the door. “So, I’m gonna go to dinner…”
Sensing the panic in Todd’s eyes as he trailed off, Neil quickly kept talking. “I’ll tell them you’re sick.”
Todd smiled in gratitude, and the taller boy tried to ignore the way it made his heart burst. “Hey,” he said suddenly after detangling himself from his roommate’s limbs, “I’ll bring you something back.”
“Neil... Thank you,” Todd said again, and was pleased with the sound of the words in his mouth. That was enough, in his books, and so he laid back and let sleep take him with Neil’s name on his lips.