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Tsukishima liked to think of himself as someone who always knew where they were going in life. He liked to think that he was prepared, ready for anything that life threw at him. But he was just telling himself that. He was lying in bed and scrolling mindlessly through social media for the nth time this month. As a 3rd year he was supposed to get ready to graduate, to know what university or college he was supposed to go to, what course he wanted to study and the career he wanted to pursue.
As a child he always thought that he would become an archaeologist, he spent hours learning anything and everything about dinosaurs, watched nearly all the documentaries, collected different books, read scientific journals and articles and took classes to enhance his education. He thought he knew what he wanted to do, but all that shattered once he relearned his love for volleyball. Before Bokuto and Yamaguchi gave him that wake up call in his 1st year he always thought of volleyball as just a club, something that can never be more than that. He was afraid to end up like his brother, stuck in an elaborate lie fabricated to keep an image of an ace to a younger brother who thought of him as the world. He was terrified of having to keep up with those expectations, he didn’t want to disappoint.
He thought that his passion and joy for it died after what happened, but after the fateful day he blocked Ushijima, a block that took careful planning, poking holes into their opponents weaknesses to heighten their frustration, he was hooked. And now he was at a loss.
Volleyball or Archaeology.
They were both two things that he wanted to pursue, he knew he excelled at both, but which should he choose? It was all so confusing. He didn’t know. He envied people like Hinata and Kageyama, they were both simplistic in their goals and what they wanted to do in life.
Volleyball, Volleyball, Volleyball. It was probably like an endless mantra in their head, all encompassing and unyielding.
They knew what they wanted to do and did everything in their power to achieve it. They were both driven, skilled (although Tsukishima would never tell that to their face), and hardworking people. Tsukishima wishes he was like that. He wishes he had the comfort of being secure in his future, of having an uncomplicated end goal.
His thoughts were confusing and twisted. Sometimes they felt like vines wrapping around his entire being and squeezing, the panic and terror overriding his rationality, the feeling of suffocation too overwhelming and consuming to even think of a way to get out. Sometimes he felt like he was underwater, a slow descent into drowning. The feeling of being suspended in water with his sight and hearing muted was peaceful for a few seconds, until he had to take a breath. It ends with him choking, instincts betraying him as water fills his lungs. At that point he is unable to help himself resurface, the panic and the need to breathe only makes himself inhale more water.
Sometimes he resents his friends for not reaching out to him and for actually listening to him when he wanted to be left alone. Don’t listen to me please, don’t let me go that easily, don’t go.
It was stupid, irrational, and a completely unrealistic expectation to lay upon them.
He knew it was wrong, that avoiding telling people would only drive them further away, leaving them wondering why he was lashing out, feeling particularly bitchy that day, or just wanted to be left alone. He never allowed them to see him in a vulnerable state, he never wanted to.
He thinks about his boyfriend, Kuroo. The loving and intelligent idiot, his loving and intelligent idiot. He wonders if Kuroo could tell that something was wrong with him, he was usually pretty adept at reading the blonde, always available and just there for him when he needed it. Yet there’s only so much information Kuroo could pick up over the phone. He couldn’t see Tsukishima lazing around in his room all week, couldn’t see the nights he spent crying himself to sleep because his thoughts became too much. Kuroo couldn’t monitor Tsukishima 24/7, he couldn’t read minds either. It was Tsukishima’s fault for being so closed off. He hated the idea of people knowing that he was having a hard time. To him it was weakness, something that had to be hidden away and carefully masked.
He keeps everything to himself. It’s lonely, it’s isolating and it sure as hell isn’t helping him or anyone around him at all. But he can’t help it. It’s a behavior that he’s always known.
He feels empty and too much at the same time. Sometimes he’s numb to the events in his life, like he was the audience of his own movie, watching things play out, simply existing. Sometimes his emotions flare up randomly, the feeling clenching in his chest, eyes burning with unshed tears as he wills himself not to cry.
He rolls to the side and buries himself further into his covers, ignoring his ringtone signaling that someone was calling him. He thinks about whether or not all this stress over his future career is worth it. All the late nights studying, all the effort he’s put into the education, all for what?
He wonders if living is even worth it. He could barely keep track of the days as they go by, Monday turned into Wednesday, the weekend is suddenly the weekday. All his assignments were rushed and done last minute. Definitely not his best work. But it was a requirement, he needed to try at least in order to graduate. Keep up the pretense that he was still put together, that he wasn’t falling apart at the seams and barely keeping himself whole, that the weight and pressure of his future and expectations weren’t making him crack. Was life worth it when he had to spend a couple hours gathering the energy to get up and do a single task? He spends days holed up in his room just laying in bed and not doing anything, no one was in the house to notice anything was wrong, he really only sees his mom in the morning and in the afternoon before work, his brother was a couple hours away because of his career, his friends were busy studying for entrance exams and had their own issues to deal with and his boyfriend was a train ride away. No one was there to see how much he was hurting and he was too terrified of opening up. It takes so much of his energy to do anything, even just to start the day or take a bite to eat. He’s probably gotten skinnier since that has been his schedule for the last couple of months, and he’s only been eating one meal a day. Even before all this he ate like a bird, people would usually force him to eat more.
Tsukishima was just so tired of being tired. He was basically a zombie at this point. Is it really worth it to live like this? He just wanted it to end. He was getting closer and closer to his breaking point and no one is noticing because he’s gotten too good at pretending.
Maybe no one cared enough to notice. Maybe they just got used to him. Maybe he’s been like this for so long people thought that this was his normal.
The sound of his doorbell ringing yanked him out of his thoughts. He sighs before getting up, it was probably the mailman, his mom had ordered something recently. He was almost out of his doorway before realizing that he was only in his boxers and was in no way presentable enough to greet someone at the door. He grabs a pair of sweatpants from the small pile of clothes next to his bed before trudging downstairs. He opens the front door, not even bothering to check the peephole. His eyes narrow for a bit, not used to the amount of light. He blinks for a couple of seconds before his mouth opens in surprise. It was Kuroo.
The man was dressed in a thick padded jacket and jeans. His cheeks and nose were red from the cold but he has a giant smile on his face. He was holding a bouquet of red roses on one hand and a duffel bag on the other. Tsukishima couldn’t describe the overwhelming sense of relief that took over him. He swings the door wide open to pull Kuroo into a crushing hug throwing his arms around his neck, burying his face into the older man’s neck and breathing in his cologne. He hears Kuroo let out a grunt from the force, but that was quickly replaced with his ridiculous laugh and feels the other man’s arms wrap around him.
“Hey babe,” Kuroo croons, “didn’t realize you missed me this much.” His arms were tight around his figure, hands rubbing circular patterns on his back.
“I always miss you.” Tsukishima replies, feeling strangely honest. Kuroo let out a strangled sound at that and normally Tsukishima would tease him for being such a sappy idiot but he was too happy to care.
“I thought you were arriving on Saturday.” Tsukishima mumbles into his neck, playing with the hairs on Kuroo’s nape.
“Moonshine, it is Saturday.”
He pauses and looks up from where he buried his face, gold eyes meeting amber ones. “Really? I thought it was still Friday.”
Kuroo chuckles, “No, baby, unless I imagined the day before.”
“Oh,” Tsukishima says, dumbfounded, arms relaxing from their grip on Kuroo’s neck to rest his hands over his hips instead. His sense of time has been severely inaccurate lately, with his days mostly spent in bed either staring at the ceiling or his phone. Sometimes he never knows if it was day or night.
“You going to let me in babe?”
Tsukishima snaps his head back up, not realizing that he was zoning out. “Sorry,” he says, a bit sheepish. “Let me get that for you,” He says, before he grabs Kuroo’s duffel bag to bring up to his room as Kuroo walks inside to take his shoes off. Tsukishima places Kuroo’s duffel bag in the corner. He was about to turn to go back downstairs but as he surveyed his room, he realized how messy it was. He frowns, as he sees messy clothes and school supplies strewn everywhere. He sighs before bending down, trying to make his room more presentable. The house has a guest room which used to be Akiteru’s room that Kuroo could use, but he knew that his boyfriend would want to be able to sleep next to him, he was a notorious cuddler after all. His mom didn’t mind it either, on the condition that they don’t try anything inappropriate.
As Tsukishima picks up pencils and notebooks from his floor, he mentally berates himself for forgetting that Kuroo was coming today, he used to count down the days and hours before they reunite again, but his head had just been so foggy and overwhelmed that it slipped his mind. He swipes across his bed to remove the creases and puts his dirty laundry in his hamper giving his room one last overview before heading downstairs.
When he walks back down the stairs he sees Kuroo removing his large winter jacket, looking at the new trinkets that his mom bought as decoration for the living room. Tsukishima’s roses were put in a vase and there was another smaller bag on the table.
Kuroo turns, having heard Tsukishima’s footsteps padding down the stairs and he smiles. The older man walks forward to give Tsukishima another sweet kiss, hands resting on his waist. He pulls away, eyes scanning Tsukishima’s form like he always does whenever they meet again, he likes to take note of how Tsukishima has changed, even though sometimes it's only been a few weeks since they last saw each other. Kuroo hums thoughtfully, “Hey, now that I’m getting a good look at you, did you lose weight?”
Tsukishima tries not to react, and schools his voice into what hopefully sounds like an indifferent tone, “Only a little bit, school and all.”
Kuroo gives him a hard look at that, “Moonshine you already eat like a bird, you can’t keep eating less like this.”
“Well I’m fine, I’m not emaciated.” Tsukishima snaps, not wanting to be nagged about his eating habits. He tries to wriggle out of Kuroo’s grip but his boyfriend just pulls him even closer, making Tsukishima lose balance for a bit. He glares at the raven and he’s met with the other’s stubborn gaze. Kuroo’s always onto him about his eating habits, always thinks that Tsukishima was eating too little and keeps trying to feed him until he feels like he could burst. It’s something that they argue about sometimes, Tsukishima tries to eat a little bit more to appease Kuroo, but lately he’s been skipping more meals, he didn’t think it was that noticeable but apparently it was.
They glare at each other for a few seconds before Kuroo sighs, “Ok, I’m sorry. I know you get pissed when I try to tell you what to do but try not to skip any meals, please?”
Tsukishima grumbles an affirmation and Kuroo kisses his cheek in response, taking hold of his hands. “God we’re back in the same room together for not even a couple minutes and we’re already arguing.”
The elder shakes his head, “I don’t want to fight today. It’s been a while since we saw each other, so let’s just enjoy the day together, ok?”
Sometimes Tsukishima couldn’t stand how kind and understanding Kuroo was to him, he felt terrible snapping at his boyfriend knowing that Kuroo was just worried about him.
“Where do you want to go today?” Kuroo asks, rubbing circles on the back of his hand.
“Can we stay inside today?” Tsukishima didn’t really feel like he had the energy to go outside, it meant more stuff to pay attention to, more people to be wary of and he didn’t think that his brain could take that kind of stimulation today especially with his terrible mental state.
He sees his boyfriend’s eyes soften, “Of course moonshine, anything you want.” And Tsukishima feels a pang of guilt at that. Kuroo took time out of his busy college schedule to a mind-numbing train ride that took several hours to visit his highschool boyfriend. He bites his lip, wanting to retract his previous statement, but Kuroo already took off all his outdoor clothes and shoes. He didn't want him to put everything on again because he’s indecisive. He shakes his head to brush off all the negative thoughts, he didn’t want to poison Kuroo’s day with his insecurities and problems.
They ended up watching TV shows and several movies. With Kuroo laughing so hard at some of them that he ended up with tears in his eyes. As Tsukishima watched his boyfriend struggle to breathe through his laughter, Tsukishima realized just how much he missed the sound of it in person. It was completely different from hearing it over the phone or computer, it meant he was real, that he was here , that he was in the moment with Tsukishima.
And he misses it so much.
The two catch up, trading stories, events that the other wasn’t there to witness in person. Tsukishima wishes that that wasn’t the case, he wishes that he was present in all of the stories that Kuroo told, whether happy or sad, anything significant enough that made Kuroo want to tell people about.
When Tsukishima’s mom comes back home from work, she finds the two of them feeding each other the cookies that they tried to bake together. Kuroo immediately greets her and bows before she gives him a spine breaking hug in return. She pinches his cheek as she puts away her bags, asking him about his college and degree and telling the two of them to behave as she begins to prepare dinner.
The three of them eat dinner together, Tsukishima’s mom had stopped by the store before she came home to buy mackerel to prepare for dinner since she knew that Kuroo was coming and that it was his favorite food. Tsukishima watches his mom and boyfriend interact with each other, a small smile on his face as he slowly eats his food. Moments like this made his chest feel warm, knowing that two of the most important people in his life were able to get along, that his mom liked Kuroo enough to make him his favorite meal. Being with other people helped him focus on something else other than his noisy thoughts. He listened to their voices, laughter sometimes sprinkled in, Tsukishima occasionally joined in when prompted but chose to listen most of the time.
Later when the noise of the day died down and the two retired to Tsukishima’s room to cuddle and get ready for bed, Tsukishima is once again alone with his thoughts. Kuroo had passed out almost immediately after laying on the bed, but not before pushing into Tsukishima’s space so that they could cuddle.
As he watches his boyfriend’s chest rise and fall Tsukishima wonders if Kuroo would ever miss him if he died. A meaner part of his head tells him that he’d probably just miss a hole to fuck. It gets shut down pretty quickly, he mentally chides himself for belittling Kuroo’s feelings for him like that. Kuroo loves him, he loves him. That’s what he tells Tsukishima anyways, So why doesn’t he believe it? Sometimes Tsukishima feels like a leech in their relationship. He knows that he burdens Kuroo with most of the aspects of their relationship, after all, Kuroo is the most touchy, the most vocal, the most understanding and the most kind in their relationship. Tsukishima would always be the one to start an argument over petty things, get insecure over the smallest details and he was prone to scathing remarks. It was a wonder Kuroo was still with him. He knows that Kuroo could do so much better, but the raven was too kind to Tsukishima to break up with him and Tsukishima was too selfish to let Kuroo go.
Even so, with their relationship as it is, would Kuroo miss him? Would he miss the way their hands fit, their shared warmth as they lay cuddling under the blankets, both of them laughing over some stupid dad joke that Kuroo said. Would Kuroo miss the way Tsukishima would send him dinosaur facts in the middle of the night when the blonde wasn’t able to sleep? Would he miss all of that? Does it mean anything to him?
As Tsukishima listens to Kuroo’s snoring, he absentmindedly traces his finger across the man’s collar bone. He watches him breathe, illuminated by the moonlight coming out of the window. Tsukishima loves Kuroo. He stays in this world a little longer just to see Kuroo’s face, with his handsome smug smirk and his messy hair and his amber eyes that sparkled with mischief. He loves the feeling of their fingers tangled together when they’re out on dates. The way Kuroo looks at him with so much love and adoration in his eyes that sometimes Tsukishima convinces himself that it was real.
He pushes himself up a bit so that he can lay his head down on Kuroo’s chest. The arm around him tightens as Kuroo shifts in his sleep. The older man mumbles something incomprehensible before turning his head to the other side.
Tsukishima kisses his jaw before he closes his eyes and listens to his heart.
Badump Badump Badump
It’s enough to keep him grounded for now.