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Silence hits against the walls of the cave and resonates.
Yerim’s words replay inside of Hyejoo’s skull, but she’s still unable to process them. The only sounds that she can hear are the fire crackling and her heart trying to escape her ribcage.
“I love you.”
Hyejoo does not understand. Does not want to understand.
She’s told herself many times before that she did not stand a chance. She’s been convincing herself that Yerim is too good for her. Too bright. Too kind.
Hyejoo can’t bring herself to look at the other girl, who is drenched in rain because of her. Because she had the stupid idea to go on a camping trip and to leave the camp right before a storm and Yerim couldn’t say no because she would never want to disappoint the younger girl and would follow her anywhere. Hyejoo knew it and used it.
And now, they probably don’t even have a tent to go back to anymore. Hyejoo thought that this adventure would be the way for her to get to protect Yerim against nature and its dangers, but it turns out that in this moment, next to a fire that threatens to die any moment, and after hearing what Yerim just said, Hyejoo feels tiny and weak.
She doesn’t even know what to say. She hasn’t rehearsed for that moment. She’s rehearsed many times what she would say if she got rejected while confessing, but never did she practice for the moment Yerim would confess. It wasn’t even a possibility.
“What do you mean, you love me?”
Instead of looking at the other girl, Hyejoo pokes at the fire with a stick, hoping that moving the tiny branches she managed to gather would keep it from dying.
“I mean it just like that: I love you. I’m glad we’re stuck here together. I’m glad I’m stuck with you and not with anyone else.”
Hyejoo snorts. She knows Yerim is telling the truth. She never lies. That’s one of the things Hyejoo likes about her. She always finds a bit of happy truth to tell even when the darkness gets so dense that saying good things would be a lie.
“Sure. I’m a great friend to be stuck with. I’ll go hunting for you when the rain stops pouring. Maybe I can bring back a savage fruit or something”
She can’t help it. She has to deflate expressions of affection into a joke. It is much easier than to take them seriously and to have to respond by expressing her own feelings sincerely.
Sure, she loves Yerim. Without the shadow of a doubt. The numbness she feels when she’s around her, the inability to think about anything, or to feel anything that isn’t a consuming sense of comfort are unmistakable. The discomfort she feels about her feelings too. The guilt. It’s unmistakably love.
Hyejoo has loved Yerim for a long time. She’s never told her. She never wanted to make her friend uncomfortable. She knows Yerim would have never cut her off because of her feelings. She would have stayed her friend anyway, no matter how uncomfortable it would be for her. Yerim is simply that kind. Yerim would let her hurt her and take the pain just so Hyejoo wouldn’t be hurt herself.
Hyejoo’s pondered many times if she should tell Yerim how she felt or not. She concluded that she would rather bear the guilt of lying about her feelings by omission rather than have Yerim feel guilty about not reciprocating. So, she shut her mouth.
Yerim.
Yerim. Just the thought of her name sends electricity through her veins. The burning feeling in her body is unmistakable too. It is not friendly. It is a lot different.
“You know that’s not what I mean, Hye.”
Yerim extends her hand over the fire to grab Hyejoo’s chin. She makes the younger girl look up, demands that their eyes meet. If Yerim’s soft skin was already enough to make her shiver, the darkness of her pupils makes her whole body turn into jelly. She can feel her legs melting and she wonders if she’ll ever be able to stand again.
Still, she forces herself to hold her friend’s stare.
Kindness, care. That’s what she sees in her expressions. Gentleness too.
She can sense that Yerim knows how hard it is for her to accept the truth, to realize that the ideal situation she’s been denying herself for month is happening.
“I love you, Hyejoo. As in you’re the first person I want to text in the morning, and the only person I want to text when I’m nervous. I love you as in, you’re the only person I love enough to accompany on a camping trip. The only one I’ll let protect me even though I can take care of myself. The only one whose hand I would want to rub my thumb again if I had the chance to hold it. I could watch you play games for hours in silence, and I would not get tired of how attractive you look when you’re focused on something. I could go on and on about every little thing I love about you.”
Hyejoo stares at the other girl’s lips, but what comes out of them doesn’t make much sense. It’s all a blur. She gets the idea, but her brain still refuses to take it in. She wants to react. She wants to show Yerim how much she loves her back. How much more she loves Yerim than Yerim can possibly love her, but all she can do is stare at her lips, dumbfounded.
“I know you won’t reply yet, and it’s okay. I know you love me too. You don’t have to say it. Take your time.”
Why is that girl so stupidly understanding, and kind? Why does she know Hyejoo better than anyone else? Why does she always find the right words to reassure her even before she says what she’s insecure about. Yerim always knows. Their brains are on the same wavelengths. She just gets it.
Hyejoo can’t talk, doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. But she’s never been one to shy away from action. She takes Yerim’s hand off her chin and pulls on her arm to pull her in, making sure she wouldn’t step into the flames. The only fire that should burn her that night should be the one on the inside.
Her lips find Yerim’s like they’re Tetris blocks, fitting perfectly together. She lets all the words she cannot say, all the words she’s been holding back for months, flow silently. She lets her hands run through the other girl’s hair.
She pulls it a little to hard, and too many drops fall on the fire. It dies down, killing Hyejoo’s too.
“Shoot…” she says as the cave goes dark.
Her forehead rests against Yerim’s.
“I’m sorry. I should have brought more wood sticks. And more matches.”
She cannot see Yerim anymore. She worries that the girl might be pouting, or frowning. But she can feel her soft hand cup her cheek.
“It doesn’t matter, Hyejoo. We don’t need that fire anyway, it’s not that cold in here.”
Isn’t it? Hyejoo can’t tell if she feels hot because of the actual temperature or because she just kissed the girl she’s been in love with for months and it’s the adrenalin of it all that keeps her warm. It doesn’t matter how she feels, though. The fire was meant for the other girl to dry up.
“You’re completely wet, you’re gonna get sick.”
Yerim presses her forefinger against Hyejoo’s lips.
“Shhh… You worry too much. If you don’t want me to get cold, you should just hold me close.”
The younger girl knows it won’t be enough to keep Yerim from catching a pneumonia, but she won’t pass on the opportunity she’s given. She stands to place herself behind Yerim, tiptoeing carefully in the dark not to step on her or on the extinguished ember. She hugs her from behind and buries her head in her neck. Even after a whole day in nature and a storm, Yerim’s hair smells like blood plum shampoo. Hyejoo’s favorite.
Hyejoo has sometimes wondered if Yerim chose it because of her. She’s also wondered why she would keep sending her wolf pics. Yerim pretended wolves were a favorite animal they had in common, but Hyejoo knew better.
She may not have suspected that Yerim liked her, but she’s always been perceptive about other things. Like the way Yerim always looks for her first in a crowd when someone makes a funny joke. Or the fact that, in school, she would always make sure Hyejoo felt included when they did group projects. Or how she always brought too many cookies and pretended her mother accidentally made too much. Hyejoo always felt like Yerim asked her mother to bake more, even though the other girl never said it.
Yerim has always been that way, caring and making it seem normal. Making it seem like she isn’t doing it on purpose when she is. Giving Hyejoo space to express herself without ever crossing a boundary, and without ever pushing too hard. Yerim has always been exactly what Hyejoo needed.
“I love you, Yerim”.
The whispered words fall into the girl’s ear. Hyejoo’s nose pokes at Yerim’s neck, and she leaves a peck there. She can feel her lover’s grip tighten on the arms she holds around her. It’s enough of a response.
Yerim holding on tight and never letting go is what Hyejoo’s always needed. And Yerim knows. They don’t need words to be said, or light to be shone on how they feel. They just know. They see each other for who they really are.
Yerim is the epitome of brightness, but she isn’t afraid of the dark. That’s probably why she loves Hyejoo. And why Hyejoo loves her. The darkness seems a lot more bearable when you can still be seen.