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There had been so many times over the last year where Vince had imagined what it might be like for Ben to come to him, to ask to try again, to make it work. Early on, he had imagined moving into Ben’s arms, kissing him, kissing his scars, and telling him that he loved him, that of course they could try again. With every day that passed by, however, the hurt inside of Vince grew. Ben had been so forward with him at first, so confident in them, and then he was just…gone.
By the time Ben had walked into the video store and actually said some version of the words that Vince had been dreaming of for months, Vince wasn’t sure that he still wanted to hear them. He knew that Ben had been hurting, but so had he. He understood Ben not wanting to be out – as much as it had stung in the moment, he understood Ben’s reaction in the ambulance, but he didn’t understand every ignored call, or why Ben didn’t even look at him in the hallway at school anymore.
They had been in love, hadn’t they? So shouldn’t Ben have wanted Vince in his life while he recovered?
Vince had offered no promises to Ben at the video store, but that didn’t stop every single one of his words from playing again and again in Vince’s mind. Ben knew that he had broken Vince’s trust, but he had also made some excuses, and as valid as they were, was it selfish to have hoped for a straight up apology and declaration of feelings with the excuses left for later? Was Vince hoping for too much? For so long, all that he had wanted was for Ben Hallowell to come back to him, but now that he seemingly had, Vince didn’t know what to do with it.
He had given up on sleep hours ago and was now lying on his back, looking up at his bedroom ceiling. He couldn’t help but think that this would all be so much easier if he weren’t still in love with Ben, if his heart hadn’t sunk straight down to his gut when he had looked up to see Ben standing before him. It would also be so much easier if he could believe that Ben wouldn’t cut and run the next time that things got difficult, but he had no proof of that.
I have to tell him ‘no’, I have to tell him that I’ve moved on, Vince thought to himself. It may not be true, but I don’t know if I can handle having him, only to lose him again.
It should have been that easy, but when he closed his eyes, all Vince could see was Ben, and the look of earnestness on his face earlier in the video store. He could remember vividly what it felt like to hold Ben’s hand, to feel the others’ soft lips on his own, and he couldn’t deny how much he still wanted the other boy.
With a frustrated groan, Vince pulled himself out of his bed and stole downstairs to where his grandparents kept the cordless phone. He didn’t need to look for the number to the private line that Ben’s parents had gotten him for his room – his fingers knew the keys by heart, even after all this time. As the phone rang, Vince moved to the sofa, folding his legs beneath him as he waited for Ben to either pick up or let it go to voicemail.
“Hello?”
It was only when Ben answered, his voice heavy with sleep, that Vince realized just how late it was.
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t realize how late it was.”
“No, Vince, wait.”
The fact that even half asleep, Ben knew that it was him sent shockwaves through Vince’s system.
“Okay,” Vince said awkwardly, not sure how else to respond.
“I was hoping you would call.” Ben sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“I’m sorry that it’s so late – my grandparents go to bed so early that sometimes I don’t know when it’s actually late versus just…late for them.”
“It’s okay. Honestly, after how we left things, I didn’t really expect you to call at all.”
“I did,” Vince said, gripping the phone hard in his hand. “I expected you to call, I mean. After your accident. I understand – and understood why you couldn’t take me with you in the ambulance that day, but I expected you to call, you know, eventually. But you just disappeared. I know that you were hurting, but I would have been there for you.” He gulped. “I wanted to be there for you.”
“I wanted you to be there for me.”
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it,” Vince said dryly.
“I know.” Ben nodded. “I handled it all wrong, I just…Vince, I miss you so much.”
“I miss you, too,” Vince said. “But I’ve been missing you, and you’ve made me feel like I never actually meant all that much to you in the first place.”
“You did. You do . I know that I bungled it, and I understand if that’s it. I know I fucked up, Vince, and I know I don’t just deserve your forgiveness, or to get you back, but I would be a fool if I didn’t at least put it out there, if I didn’t at least try.”
“You were going through so much, and I get that, but what happens if it gets hard again?” Vince bit his lip, afraid of Ben’s answer. “Relationships are tricky enough without the extra barriers that we have.”
“I know, and I don’t know if I can fully promise you that I will handle every future problem with ease and grace, but I know now that communication is key. I won’t shut you out again, Vince.”
Vince hadn’t been expecting Ben to have an answer at the ready, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Was that enough? Could he even trust it? All that he knew was that the first time things had become truly challenging, Ben had hidden from all of it, Vince included. He could say again and again that he was never going to do that again, but could Vince truly believe it?
“Vince?” Ben asked after the line had been quiet for a while.
“I’m still here,” Vince replied.
“Can I come over?” Ben asked.
“It’s the middle of the night.”
“I know.”
Vince paused, then shrugged, even though Ben couldn’t see him over the phone.
“Yeah, I guess.” It wasn’t like he was going to sleep anytime soon, anyways.
“Okay.” Ben nodded. “Okay, thank you. I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay.” Vince didn’t know what else to say, so he hung up the phone. He went back to his room and threw a green and white plaid flannel over his t-shirt and sleep pants, then donned a pair of sneakers before going quietly out to his front stoop to wait for Ben.
When Ben hopped out of his truck wearing track bottoms and a Skylin Football hooded pullover, Vince wondered if the hoodie choice was a hopeful gesture that he would one day play again, an exercise in self abuse, or simply the first sweatshirt that he had found lying around.
“Thanks for letting me come over,” Ben said, jamming his hands into the pouch of his hoodie.
“Let’s go sit in the back,” Vince said, turning and starting to walk to the backyard of the house. The stoop would probably be fine this late, but with everything already so fragile and tenuous, Vince didn’t want to risk some late night wanderer wondering why Ben Hallowell and Vince Fuller were having late night conversations.
The backyard was small and sparse, but there was a picnic table set up. Vince moved to sit on top of it, his feet resting on the bench while Ben, still not feeling comfortable enough to consider himself a guest, stood.
“I thought this might be easier if we could see each other, but now that I’m looking at you, I can’t think of what to say,” Ben admitted.
“Then I’ll start,” Vince said. “My dad left when I was young, and then I lost my mom. My grandparents are good, but they’re old and who knows how much longer they’re going to be around. I know we’re young, and I would never ask you to promise me forever, at least not right now.” He paused, but only for a moment. “But if I’m going to invest my time, my energy, my feelings, my trust , into a boyfriend…” Vince shrugged. “It can’t be someone who is just going to disappear on me with no warning. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.”
“I was selfish,” Ben said softly. “And I wasn’t thinking about how much I might be hurting you. A part of it was shame. I was so determined that you not see me broken and miserable that I never even thought about how broken and miserable I was making you .” He paused. “Or how much less broken and miserable I would have been if you had been there.”
“When you told me to stop calling, it broke my heart,” Vince said. “Until then, I still thought I could make you see that I was there for you, for anything you needed. You have no idea how much I wanted to hold you in my arms while you healed – how much I wanted to make you feel better. You were – you are – the first boy that I let myself love, and…” he sighed. “I was all in on you.”
“I know.” Ben nodded. “I…I wish that I could go back and do it all differently.”
“But you can’t,” Vince said.
“I know.” Ben nodded. “But I still love you, Vince, and I think that you still love me, too, because otherwise, you would only be having this conversation with me to torture me, and I know aren’t like that. Even mad and heartbroken, you wouldn’t do that to me.”
You’re right.” Vince gulped. “I wouldn’t. He knew that by saying that, he was more or less confirming that he still loved Ben, but it was fine. Ben clearly already knew that anyway. “You were hurting, and you were grieving, and I understand that enough not to resent you, or hold it against you, but Ben,” Vince looked at him. “If we do this again, and you hurt me like that again, it won’t matter if I understand why or not – that’s it. I don’t want to be the kind of couple that continuously hurts each other, breaks up, and gets back together over and over again just for it to all happen again.”
“We won’t be,” Ben said quickly, his heart racing as he began to really let himself hope that Vince might give him a second chance.
“God, I wish I didn’t love you so much,” Vince muttered.
He reached out, grabbing the edge of Ben’s hoodie pouch pocket, and tugging it gently to urge Ben to move closer to him.
“Selfishly, I’m glad that you do,” Ben whispered as he stepped towards Vince.
“If we do this,” Vince said, his hand still on Ben’s pocket. “It’s a clean slate. You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t get to guilt you about the past.” He paused. “Unless it repeats itself.”
“It won’t.” Ben gulped. “And you can guilt me, I wronged you.”
“We can’t move forward if I’m holding past mistakes over your head. You apologized. I forgive you. Just love me right, Ben Hallowell. That’s all I want from you.”
“I can do that.”
“Okay. Vince nodded - once in response to Ben, and then once more as he cleared his throat, as though trying to convince himself that what he was about to do was, in fact, the right choice.
He couldn’t think about it anymore, though. He had had a year to beat himself up with nothing but thought, and there was only so much that he could do. Vince used his hold on Ben’s pocket to pull him in, kissing him with a year’s worth of pent up want and desperation.
Ben returned the kiss, hands moving instantly to cup Vince’s face as though it - and he - were the most precious thing in the universe.
Time may have passed, and so much may have changed, but the way that Ben’s lips felt on Vince’s was familiar, comfortable, and when they broke apart, Vince pressed his forehead to Ben’s.
“I
missed
you,” he whispered.
“I love you,” Ben breathed in return.
“I love you, too.” Vince leaned in, pressing another much quicker kiss to Ben’s lips.
“Don’t send me away.”
“I’m not gonna. I told you, it’s forgiven, I just want to move forward with you, with us.”
“No, I meant - I mean right now. Tonight. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to be away from you.”
“Oh.” Vince gulped. “I don’t really want that, either.”
But Ben staying was risky. What if Vince’s grandparents found him in the morning, curled up in the arms of some white boy? What if someone noticed Ben’s truck still parked there come daylight?
Vince wanted to believe that his grandparents would be cool, and a few months ago, Vince had almost come out to them after his grandmother told him that she loved him very much no matter what, but he had been unable to do it, balking at the last moment.
It was risky, but as Vince sat there, Ben all but clinging to him, he told himself that it would be alright. His grandparents were very good about knocking, and Ben’s car? There were other reasons they could come up with for why it was there, if it even came up, which was highly unlikely.
“Come on.” Vince took Ben’s hand and slid off the picnic table and into the house through the back door.
He led Ben through the house and into his bedroom, both boys taking extreme care to be as quiet as possible, even once Vince closed his bedroom door behind them. Shoes were kicked off and left in a small pile on the floor as Vince and Ben lay down on the bed.
For a while, they stayed there, still, holding each other, not saying anything, both relishing the feeling of being back in each other’s arms.
“I can’t believe I managed so long without you,” Ben said finally. “I sort of feel like I’m gonna die if you let go.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not letting go.” Vince tightened his grip on Ben’s body to emphasize his point.
“I’m afraid if I go to sleep, you’ll be gone.”
“Go to sleep, Ben,” Vince said with a quiet chuckle. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, and you look exhausted.” He knew that this was a pot calling the kettle black situation, as he could practically feel his own exhaustion seeping out of his pores.
“I’ll try.” Ben dropped a gentle kiss to Vince’s forehead. “Goodnight, Vince.”
Ben lay there awake a little while longer, watching Vince sleep, before finally drifting off himself.
Ben woke the next morning to sunlight streaming in through Vince’s window, the other boy still fast asleep in his arms. A smile spread across Ben’s lips and he leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on Vince’s t-shirt clad shoulder.
“I love you, Vincent Fuller,” Ben whispered.
Vince didn’t respond, but snuggled in tighter, still asleep, and practically burying his face in Ben’s chest. Ben smiled, rubbing Vince’s back as he closed his own eyes once again. He gently rested his chin atop Vince’s head, and drank in the feeling of having the boy that he loved so dearly back in his arms at last.