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Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, sighed and offered up a brief but heartfelt prayer for patience.
He wasn’t sure what exactly his (Why in the name of all that is sane had he let himself become the de facto leader, by the way?) ragtag bunch of misfits called the Avengers had done this time or which member(s) were responsible.
But given Fury’s tone when he had ordered them to report to his office ASAP, he was pretty sure it was something even more spectacular than usual.
“Alright” he stifled a grimace and turned to face the rest of the team “Does anyone here have any idea why Fury’s hauling us in this time?”
“HYDRA resurfaced?” Clint suggested.
“Another Chitauri invasion?” Thor put in hopefully, earning a glare from almost everyone else.
“Flying monkeys?” Tony asked.
Steve did a double take. “Did any of you actually deploy flying monkeys?”
Loki and Tony exchanged a glance.
“Well…” the pause was long enough to make their fearless leader wince “Not yet.”
………………………
They were ushered into the waiting room before Fury’s office, confirming that this was less Avengers Assemble and more Avengers Come Get Yelled At. Cheryl, Fury’s long suffering secretary, gave Steve a commiserating glance, and reserved for Loki and/or Tony a glance that was way more than commiserating.
“Come in!” Fury barked from his sanctum.
“Now play nice and don’t aggravate him worse” Cheryl whispered as the superhero team filed past her desk, looking way too much for dignity like highschoolers called to meet the principal. “He’ll be a bear all day.”
Steve could only hope that the questionably sane god of magic/mischief with them didn’t get any ideas from that last sentence.
“Sit down” Fury was ensconced behind his massive desk, which, as usual, was in a state of obsessive-compulsive neatness despite the mountain of files and electronic equipment (most of which only Tony could really recognize) piled on top of it.
As they took their seats, Steve wracked his brains to figure out the cause for the summons but could remember nothing beyond the normal levels of craziness within Stark tower. Loki and Tony could remember more than a dozen reasons each, but neither was sure which of the set had reached the directors ears this time.
Fury narrowed his eyes, sending one of his x-ray glares at the group. “Don’t you get tired of this routine?”
Loki shrugged, offering a smile of angelic innocence that already shot the director’s blood pressure up a few notches. “Well, it’s nice to see you once in a while, Director.”
Steve groaned inwardly. Fury shook his head in exasperation.
“You know, sometimes I wish the lot of you weren’t quite so good at your job – then I’d know what exactly to do with you.”
Tony beamed. “Wow. Thanks for the complement, Fury. Sometimes we need the boost.”
Natasha elbowed him in the ribs, a bit harder than she strictly needed to.
Fury fumed. “Do you have any idea why exactly you have been summoned?”
Loki arched an eyebrow. “I believe the correct answer to that is, we refuse to answer on grounds of self incrimination?”
Fury took a deep breath, trying to resist the urge to open fire on the lunatic genius duo. One half of it at least was probably bullet proof, anyway. He flicked a remote. One of the walls shimmered and changed into a screen, displaying security footage from one of the best defended (both by scientific and…other..means) cities on the planet.
“What the hell were you two doing in Vatican, of all places?”
“Sightseeing” Loki and Tony answered in perfect synchrony. Now Fury was not the only one glaring at them.
……………………..
Tony would declare later to anyone who cared to enquire that he had absolutely no regrets…and that it had seemed a good idea at the time.
Despite very vocally expressed misgivings from both Thor and Steve, the sorcerer and the engineer had turned one of the upper floors of the tower into a combined magic-and-tech laboratory. (Till date, it had burned down only half a dozen times – not a bad record at all.) Even if there was nothing particular cooking at the moment, it was a cool place to hang out…and plot.
“I’m bored”
As most of his companions – both Asgardian and human – can attest to from experience, those are the most dangerous words you can hear the god of mischief utter. (Un)fortunately, the only one in hearing distance this time happened to be the one person of whom the same could be said. Tony’s eyes glinted. He knew that tone.
“Well, I can solve that problem.”
Loki looked up with mild interest from the sofa on which he was lounging. “Wait, don’t tell me – you want another lesson”
Tony grinned. “Fair is fair, Rudolph. I’ve got you writing advanced AI by now. Your turn this time.”
The god of magic rolled his eyes. “I didn’t set the computer on fire when you were teaching me.”
“Nope, just turned the mouse into an actual mouse when the program wouldn’t obey.”
“That’s just once! And I turned it back!”
“Not before it nibbled my burger! And don’t change the subject. You owe me one crash course, magic 101.”
Loki considered for a moment, then got up. This could get interesting.
………………..
"Portals?" Tony looked very like a cat who had found itself locked in the pantry. "Teleportation?"
Loki nodded.
"It's one of the spells humans can really do. Not just play at, like we did with Peter, but really do - actually, you may be able to do it better than me here once you get the hang of it, ‘cause it's your world."
"Cool."
"You game for it?"
"Ever knew me not to be game for something?"
"Um, when you had to tell Pepper what happened to her car?"
"We caught it and morphed it back, it wasn't that big a deal!"
………………….
Tony grinned, his face tight with anticipation. The pair stood inside a circle Loki had drawn - apparently the standard within a circle setup was useful to concentrate power. It could be his imagination, but Tony could feel the air thrum with power around them.
"How do I start?"
"Picture a door. A door in the air right before you. Hold that image ready."
"A door to where?"
"To outside -nah, not outside the building, just...outside. We'll go to the actual target locale from there. I'll push in the juice for opening the door this time -you can do it by yourself once you've been through a couple of times."
……………………………
Outside, as it turned out, looked pretty interesting. It was a swirl of more colours than Tony had ever seen in his life - including colors that, he was reasonably sure, didn't exist on Earth.
"Wow"
"You aren't gonna throw up, are you?" Loki was maintaining a careful distance.
Tony turned round and round for a moment, taking it all in.
"Wow. Just wow. You hang out here much, Rudolph?"
"Used to. Good place to hide from Heimdal -dad gets him to look for us if we take off without telling. It makes you feel a bit...funny, though, if you're here too long."
Tony wasn't paying too much attention to that last part.
"Cool."
"You want to open a portal or not?"
Tony frowned slightly. Was it just the lighting here or did Loki really look a bit off-color?
"To where?"
"You pick. It's your first ride."
"Pepper. She's gone to her cousin's wedding - let's go give her a surprise."
Loki nodded. A ceremony was always a good place for some chaos.
"Right. So...we drop into the church"
"Yep."
"Then picture the church. Hold the picture steady...then sketch a door shape with your hand. Keep the picture very very steady."
"This is looking a bit too easy.."
"That's cause you've just got the steering to deal with, I'm providing the fuel. Next time the ride's on you."
Okay. The church... He had been there with Pep once, at her uncle's funeral. Little church, but good artwork. There was a huge painting all over the roof, mural style, like a mini Sistine chapel or something. That was what had stuck with him. And that was what he fixed on as the glittering air in front of him gave way to a stainless steel door – like the explosion proof door they had rigged up for their lab.
"Done!"
"Open it!"
And then they were through. The painting was there on the roof. Only, a lot bigger than he remembered.
"Your girlfriend's cousin's getting married in Rome?"
"What the hell are we doing here?"
It took a moment to get their bearings. And to hurriedly back out of the path of tourists. Loki shrugged.
"Well, still better than Thor. He ended up inside a wall the first time I let him try."
They weren't exactly dressed for the scene...well, Tony wasn't. Loki had instantly conjured a three piece suit around himself.
"Would be a pity not to sightsee a bit."
Loki nodded enthusiastically, then froze as if he heard something.
"Oh damn!"
"What?"
"I'm not allowed in here!"
"In a church?"
Divine rivalries?
"Nope, here, in Rome! I'm sorta on probation after they caught me in the tunnels." He looked heavenwards and yelled "Sorry ! Student driver!" Then, to Tony, "We're getting out. Now!"
"Portal?"
"we can't open one here, can we?"
Tony took a look at the crowd and nodded reluctantly. They had taken one step out the chapel when the doves came.
…………………
"Those fuckers have the sharpest little beaks" Tony grimaced. Steve and Fury were the only ones in the room who could still keep a straight face.
"That explains your new hairstyle" Clint commented.
Tony made a wry face. "Ever tried to get dove dung out of your hair?"
Steve had to admit that it looked like the pair had already been punished enough, and said as much to Fury.
The director sighed. "You didn't see the rest of it."
Loki shrugged.
"Hey, we had to get out of there!"
"So you turned yourself and your fellow lunatic into doves."
"If you can't beat them, join them."
"And a crowd of mostly religious folk who came to visit the holy city saw two humanoids sprout wings and effectively vanish."
The pair nodded, with no trace of contrition. Steve facepalmed. Tony tried to smooth things over – not his usual role, and not one he was good at.
"Hey, give those folk something for their money! I mean, they came all the way over there, the least they can get is a miracle sighting!"
"By the wrong god" Natasha pointed out.
"By a questionably sane alien teenager " Fury corrected. "I've got to answer this"
He indicated a report on his desk. Loki took a peek.
"Those Cardinals are serious stick-in-the-muds, you know! It was an accident!"
"And you will prove that by?"
"By pointing out none of the actual defense measures kicked in! The dove bombing was set up by one of their mages -oops, they don't call them mages, do they?- exorcists or whatever the job title is nowadays. Human defense spells."
Steve frowned.
"You mean there are others?"
Loki looked genuinely offended.
"Hello, you think I got put on probation by some wrinkly old cardinal?"
Thor chuckled. "That was an interesting problem to explain to dad."
The humans present -except Fury and Natasha- exchanged glances as they connected the dots.
"You mean..." Banner started tentatively.
"You got arrested by an angel?" Clint completed.
"They're pretty good at their job" Loki admitted.
Banner snorted. "Read the news lately?"
" Pretty good at their job" Loki clarified "Got some seriously strict rules on free will. Mostly it's backstage jobs. They're...weird."
Steve shook his head, half baffled, half amused. Hell, why not. Since he got defrosted, he had been introduced to genocidal alien invaders, crazy Norse gods and social media among other impossibilities. Angels guarding Vatican was tame by that measure.
"What did you get arrested for, by the way?" Clint asked curiously.
"Tried to get a look at a grimoire. They've got a lot of really rare stuff in their library."
"They know what they got?"
"No clue."
"Some do" Fury said in a tone that precluded discussion.
…………………
“How did we do?” Tony asked Cheryl as they finally field out again.
The pretty secretary – whose security clearance was probably on the same level as the leaders of quite a few world nations – rolled her eyes.
“Honestly? About a C.”
Tony pouted, prompting a slight giggle past the perfect professional veneer.
“Though, given you usually get an F, meaning you annoy him half way to apoplexy, have to admit there’s improvement.”
Loki gave her a grin and a bouquet of roses he had conjured out of thin air. “I love compliments.”
“I can tell that. And I’m allergic.”
“You won’t be, to these. Magic.”
Banner, who had had about as much as he could take for one day stepped a bit closer to Loki. The sorcerer got the point and followed the rest of the team out.