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Ever since Sam was little, as far as he could remember, he'd seen strange things, he always knew monsters existed but the things he saw weren't always bad. Of course, most of it was, but very rarely something would happen to just him that would seem almost impossible, like his very own little miracle, and he'd never mention it because his dad and Dean would only say it was his imagination, his mind playing tricks on him. But imaginary friends couldn't magically make candy appear, or whisper jokes to him to make him laugh when he was sad. He saw a person occasionally, maybe once a month or less. That's also how he knew his friend wasn't imaginary, because if you make something up you can make it appear whenever you want, but his friend only showed up when he really needed something, like if Dad had left him and Dean in a motel and the food money had run out. They'd miraculously find some money on the floor, or a takeout on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator that they 'must have missed'. Sometimes Sam even considered that Dean had a friend too, because he'd hear him talking to someone, although he didn't ever hear a reply. Dean also never seemed very surprised when these little miracles happened, he accepted them and moved on as though he knew as well as Sam that they were a regular occurrence. Sam knew though from as young as five, he knew somebody was helping them, there was no other explanation. When he saw this person, they always looked the same, and they always smiled at Sam. His friend was a small man, not a creepy looking one like his dad warned him about, but a friendly looking one that Sam felt happy seeing. He always wore a green jacket and had his golden hair slicked back, he also always had a lolly in his mouth, and he'd take it out to wave at Sam before disappearing behind a tree again, but after every time Sam saw him, within a week, when his dad and dean were out on a hunt and he was left alone, a candy bar would appear somewhere, whether it be his pocket or under his pillow, it was always there.
By the time Sam was twelve, he looked forward to the sightings, he'd spend every day hoping the man would show up, that he'd get his candy bar and a wave. But he didn't. At first, he wasn't worried, the man was only a week or so late and Sam assumed he was just busy, but after five months with no visit, he got worried, and sad. Ever since he could remember the man would come and see him at least once within three months without fail and now, nothing. Sam knew it was stupid, this man that he didn't even know that could definitely be a monster of some sort that had been stalking him, had disappeared, if anything he should be relieved, but he was just sad. And hungry. Dad had announced he was leaving on a hunt and after a lot of convincing and reassuring, he'd agreed to let Dean go with him. Sam said he'd be fine, it was only a week, except it wasn't. It had now been two weeks and the food money had run out and the nice lady at the diner that gave him a couple free meals had told him she couldn't anymore because her boss was catching on, he understood and stopped going there. Although, that now meant he hadn't eaten in two days and he was starting to get a little dizzy sometimes and his stomach hurt. Usually, he'd have a candy bar at least, but since his friend has gone, he had nothing. Until the third day of no food when he was doubled over on the couch with stomach pains and suddenly, he felt somebody else in the room with him, he looked up with a pained expression to see the man right there in front of him, clear as day, not his imagination or a monster, the same man that made him feel calm and comforted and happy.
"Hey, Sam." Sam's eyes were wide and shocked, only for a second though before another sharp pain shot through his stomach and he winced, hissing through his teeth. The man immediately placed a hand on his shoulder and the pain went away, Sam looked at him in disbelief before looking down at his own stomach as though any second, he'd grow tentacles, or something just as mad. He knew he wouldn't but just wanted to be sure.
"Woah. How'd you do that?" Sam asked excitedly, suddenly forgetting how hungry he was.
"It’s my job, Kiddo. To look after you." Sam's face fell at that, remembering that he hadn't seen the man in months and really, he was only this hungry because his friend hadn't helped him sooner.
"Where have you been then? You haven't visited in months!" Sam pouted, his hand subconsciously returning to his stomach as the pain began building slightly again. The man flicked his wrist, and the pain was gone once again though and Sam's pout softened ever so slightly.
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that Sammy, I've been a little busy dealing with some things." The man smiled as he wandered around the motel casually, sucking on a lollipop as usual and looking at random things.
"Doing what?" Sam asked curiously, an interested expression now taking over his frown.
"You don't need to worry about that. You hungry?" The man turned around and smiled, a warm and comforting smile that made Sam feel all fuzzy inside, he liked this man.
His friend took him to a diner nearby and told him not to worry about money because he'll pay for whatever Sam wants. Sam ordered a huge burger, fries and a chocolate milkshake, he felt like Dean eating this much but he didn't care, he was just so hungry.
"Hey, mister?" Sam asked around a mouthful of fries while the man watched in amusement. He raised his eyebrows, telling Sam to continue.
"What's your name?" Sam inquired, looking slightly suspicious of the man in front of him.
"I'm the Archangel Gabriel, Sammy. I'm your guardian angel." Gabriel smirked as he spoke, putting his lolly back in his mouth. Sam's eyes widened as he processed this information, he didn't even know angels existed, he thought they were just a stupid religious thing that weren't real. Gabriel looked at him for a moment before chuckling.
“Okay, so I’m not your guardian angel, I lied about that bit, I am an angel though. I just chose to look after you.” Sam nodded in understanding, slurping on his milkshake before speaking again.
"Is that how you did all that magic?"
"Yep. I want to look after you and make sure you’re safe, that means making sure you’re not hungry and that you’re safe." Gabriel smiled; Sam smiled back.
Once he'd finished eating, Gabriel took Sam back to the motel, stopping outside the door and ruffling Sam's hair, Sam was talking away at him as he opened the door, only to be greeted with a panicked yell.
"Sammy?!" It was Dean, they must be back. Sam stopped mid-sentence, watching startled as Dean and his dad ran towards him, checking him over for injuries quickly.
"I'm fine! I just went out to eat with-" Sam turned around to gesture to Gabriel, but he was gone, Sam stepped outside and looked around, but Gabriel was nowhere to be seen.
"With who Sam?" John demanded, a firm grasp on his son's shoulder but not enough to hurt him at all.
"-With the last of the food money..." Sam finished sadly, sighing as John let go of him and exhaled in relief.
After that, Gabriel showed up regularly just as he had before, the candy bars began appearing again and him and Dean didn't go hungry anymore. Although Sam was sad that Gabriel didn't talk to him again, he was fine with the smile and wave from afar, it was enough to just reassure him that not only was somebody looking out for him, but that it wasn't all just some big fantasy that he'd made up. Gabriel's visits kept him ever so slightly sane.
When Sam's sixteenth birthday rolled around, it felt like a lifetime ago that he'd spoken to Gabriel when he was twelve, but he was hoping that maybe Gabe would show up for his birthday if he was lucky. So, on the night of his birthday, he crept out when John and Dean were sleeping. He only stood outside the door, but it was enough that his dad and brother wouldn't hear him if he spoke quietly.
"Gabriel?" He whispered, and without missing a beat, a vaguely familiar voice sounded from his right, his head snapped to look and sure enough, Gabriel stood there, lollipop in hand, leaning against the wall.
"Happy birthday, kiddo." He smiled widely, pulling his hand from behind his back and revealing a cupcake with a single lit candle in the top. Sam beamed, he'd never blown out a birthday candle before, he'd never even acknowledged his birthday really, never-mind celebrate it. Gabriel held the cupcake out to him, cheeks hollowed around his lollipop and words muffled by the sweet.
"Make a wish, Sammy." Sam smiled at him once more before closing his eyes, leaning in and blowing out the candle. When he opened his eyes, Gabriel was wearing a sad smile on his lips and looking at Sam with fondness that nobody had ever looked at Sam with before, like they truly loved and cared for him.
"Gabe? What's wrong?" Sam asked, concerned, reaching out to put a hand on the angel's shoulder, but his hand passed straight through him and Sam gasped in surprised. He looked down at Gabriel, since he'd recently had a growth spurt that now made him quite a bit taller than the angel, and he noticed that his body seemed to be fading away.
"I gotta go now, Sammy." Gabriel said sadly.
"Wait, what do you mean? What's happening to you?!" Sam raised his voice slightly, still aware that Dean and his dad were inside but he was more worried about Gabriel right now.
"I can't stay here forever."
"Why not?" Sam's voice cracked and he teared up slightly, the only person who ever seemed to really care about him was leaving, and he didn't even know why. Gabriel's body seemed to be getting more transparent by the second.
"D-Did I do something wrong?" Sam had gone from his 16-year-old self to that same dependant kid that he'd watched grow up since he was born, and Gabriel smiled.
"You did everything so right, but you're all grown up now, you'll be fine without me."
"B-But I don't want you to go!" Sam said in a tone akin to one of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum as tears began rolling down his cheeks.
"Goodbye, Kiddo." And with that, Gabriel seemingly disappeared into thin air and Sam was left stood in front of his motel room on his birthday, holding a cupcake with a blown-out candle, crying to himself. He wasn't sure why he was so upset but Gabriel had been there his whole life, and he was the only one who had ever really done anything nice for him, besides the bare minimum to keep him breathing like his dad did.
From then on, Sam was different, he didn't have candy bars and miracles, not a wave and a smile to look forward to. He lost his childhood innocence within months, he became a hunter, a Winchester. He went on hunts with Dean and John, copying what they did and learning the tricks of the trade. He became ruthless and fearless, he tortured monsters with no mercy and no regret, if Dean or his dad noticed a change, neither of them acknowledged it, but he didn't miss the concerned looks Dean sometimes gave him when he got carried away on a hunt, when he'd stab a monster through the chest and laugh afterwards, like he was enjoying himself. But the only way he could forget about and numb the pain of Gabriel leaving was to hunt and throw himself into it completely, the thrill took away the pain, if only for a couple of hours.
Finally, when he turned eighteen, he could escape, he went off to college. Of course, John wasn't happy about it, although he didn't expect to be told to never come back, but he didn't care. He just needed to get away.
That was until a year later when Dean showed up at his house in the middle of the night. He was roped back into the hunting life as he always knew he would be eventually; he just didn't realise it would be so soon. Although, besides Jess, he didn't really have anything worth fighting for at college, he never properly fit in, he always felt like the outcast in social situations, probably because he didn't know how to actually socialise since he'd grown up not going to school and spending his free time in libraries alone. It was pretty sad when he thought about it, but he never really cared, books couldn't insult him, couldn't exclude him from games, they were a comfort. But he just accepted that he had to go with Dean, and then he lost Jess. That hit hard, but he couldn't grieve, they had to find Dad, and Winchesters don't cry, ever. Or at least they're not supposed to. They're still human after all. But still, after watching Jess die, after losing John, Sam still thought about Gabriel. And after everything, he still felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips at the memories, before he remembered when Gabriel left, and then he'd feel tears gather in his eyes. He'd shut his eyes tightly, forcing away the thoughts, and continue with whatever him and Dean were doing at the time.
Sam never stopped wondering why Gabriel had to leave, at first, he was mad at the angel but after he cooled off and considered it, it was obvious Gabe didn't want to leave him. So, then he was just sad, sad that Gabe left, sad that the only happiness he had as a kid, besides Dean's occasional brotherly moments, had been taken away from him, and sad that Gabriel never came back. Because despite what he knew to be true, that Gabe was gone for good, a small part of him never gave up hope that he'd see him again, although, with every day that passed, that part of him got smaller and smaller. It was almost gone.
Sam still saw Gabriel's face from time to time, behind trees like he used to, or just in random passers-by that vaguely resembled the angel. So, of course, when Sam and Dean go to investigate a suspicious suicide involving a woman in a white dress, and Sam catches a glimpse of the janitor that looks a bit like Gabe, he chuckles to himself and brushes it off. But when they go to investigate properly and have to speak to the guy, Sam cannot simply brush it off. Because this guy looks exactly like Gabriel, and Sam is almost certain that it is Gabe. But the man doesn't say anything and surely if it was in fact Gabe, he'd say something...right? So, when he didn't, Sam assumed it must not have been him, and he didn't say anything either, because if it wasn't him then he'd look an idiot. He'd heard of doppelgängers and things like that, maybe that was all it was. Either way, he decided to forget it and tell himself that he'd never see Gabriel again, after all that's what he'd been thinking for the last ten years.
That night, Sam was in their motel room alone before Dean came back with a bag of takeout food, flashing Sam his award-winning smile as he tossed the room key on the small table and handed Sam a box containing some sort of salad before taking out a burger and fries for himself. Sam sat at the table with his laptop, opening his salad box and taking a bite with the crappy plastic fork they gave him. Dean splayed out on the bed, watching his brother get to work on researching. They'd been bickering lately, but he still admired his baby brother for always trying to get work done. Later that day, Bobby arrived, they'd called him after they met a dead end with the case, neither of the brothers having a clue what it was or how to get rid of it. Of course, Bobby being the wise-ass genius he is, knew exactly what was going on and simultaneously solved the boys' squabbling problems.
A trickster. A creature that likes to play tricks, only ones that were more deadly than funny. They figured out that it was most likely the janitor and came up with a plan, of course it worked, and the trickster was dead. But that didn't stop Sam from thinking about the whole encounter, and consequently thinking about Gabriel a lot more than usual.
He slowly began forgetting again, having bigger problems to deal with, for example, his own issues of being somehow part demon. That was until they discovered that the trickster wasn't in fact dead, but alive and kicking and seriously fucking with Sam. If Sam never lived through another Tuesday, he'd be fine with that. But of course, for weeks afterwards he couldn't stop thinking about Gabriel and how the trickster is basically the exact same as how Sam remembered Gabe. But once again, he told himself that if it was Gabe then surely, he'd say something. So, once again, he ignored the whole experience and moved past it. Eventually, he managed to forget about Gabriel and the trickster, continuing to have bigger problems, this time that being the end of the world and him apparently being Lucifer's vessel. Gabriel was definitely not his priority and hopefully he'd never see the trickster again.
But he wasn't that lucky, he never was. And him and Dean were soon trapped in another one of his stupid games. Sam assumed it would be like the last two times, they'd find a way to get to him, kill him and leave, and he'd probably show up again in another few years, but that was a problem for another day. And for a while, that's how it went. They played along for a while, until they once again believed they killed him, that was until Sam turned into a car. But suddenly Dean had an idea, an idea that filled Sam's stomach (or his engine?) with butterflies. Dean had a theory that the trickster was an angel. Sam stuttered and mumbled, asking Dean how he solved it but the only thought in his mind was Gabriel. If the trickster was an angel, it had to be Gabe right? Although somehow, that was even more heartbreaking for Sam. Because if the trickster was indeed Gabriel, then he could’ve said something years ago, could’ve spoken to Sam all the way back at the college where he was posing as a Janitor. And so, Sam found himself hoping that Dean was wrong, that it was just a trickster and that they could move past it.
That hope faded when Dean lit the ring of holy fire around the trickster, and he submitted to Dean’s requests of having Sam back as human. Dean was right, he was angel. And when they were back in the warehouse and Dean asked the angel’s name, Sam’s heart sunk to his feet. He looked to the ground, willing his tears not to fall as he looked back up at the angel.
“Gabriel. The name’s Gabriel.” But Sam had to be sure, had to know for certain.“The archangel?” He demanded and Gabriel looked at him, guilt in his eyes as he nodded. Sam scoffed, not being able to stop himself from crying any longer as he pointed an accusatory finger at Gabriel.
“You lied straight to my face. You could’ve said something, why didn’t you say something?!” Sam yelled, Dean looking at him in complete confusion. Gabriel opened his mouth to speak but Sam cut him off.“All these years, you knew exactly where I was, you let me suffer and question everything when you could’ve done something about it. You told me you had to go, you let me believe I’d never see you again, Gabe!” Dean had never been so puzzled in his life as he looked between his brother, who he had never seen so worked up, and Gabe who hung his head in guilt.“What the hell are you talking about, Sammy?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.” Sam instructed with a clenched jaw and rigid posture.
“What? So, you’re just going to leave me here?” Gabe shouted as they began to leave, now having Cas in tow who looked just as baffled as Dean but then again the angel always looked confused about something or other. Sam stormed out to the car, rage filling him as he kicked the Impala’s tire, much to Dean’s disapproval.
“You wanna tell me what the hell that was about? Huh?” He asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat, Sam next to him already.
“It’s nothing.”
“It didn’t sound like nothing.” Dean said in astonishment. Sam wasn’t telling him something and he at least wanted to know why.
“Just drop it, Dean. Please.” Dean sighed and began driving, deciding to drop the subject for now.
Dean ended up forgetting about the whole thing, as he was preoccupied with finding a solution to the whole Sam and Lucifer, him and Michael issue. Sam didn’t though, he couldn’t stop thinking about how Gabe had lied to him, deceived him and not told him when he could’ve. But why didn’t he? That was Sam’s question, why?
Then he watched Gabe die. Right in front of him. And he realised he didn’t care that it didn’t matter that Gabe didn’t tell him, that he had been gone for so long, it only mattered that he was here now, except he wasn’t, he was gone again. And all for Sam. Sam watched as Lucifer killed his angel, watched the life leave Gabriel’s eyes and watched as with his last breaths he told Sam,
“I was always gonna die for you, kiddo.” And Sam cried, for hours, for days. He cried most days for months after, he didn’t let Dean see of course, but he did. Even years later when Gabe was a distant memory, when they’d defeated Lucifer and countless other bad guys, Sam still missed him, still wished he hadn’t have got mad, that instead he’d put out the fire and hugged Gabe. But now he couldn’t, and he’d accepted that. Finally, after all this time, he’d learnt to live with it, as he sat with Dean in the men of letters bunker drinking a beer with his brother, he was okay. But the world couldn’t allow that for too long, it wasn’t that kind to him.
So, when Ketch showed up, telling them he had a surprise that they’d be interested in, Sam expected money, a priceless artifact, useful knowledge about how to save their mother and Jack. Not for a single second did Sam expect what he saw. But he should’ve, because the universe loved to throw curveballs at them, ones they thought they’d avoided years ago. Seeing Gabriel again though, that was something Sam could’ve never predicted. Ketch dragging Gabriel out and showing them a broken, wounded man, Sam could’ve passed out, he didn’t, but he felt like he had every right to at this point.
Later that night, he found himself alone with Gabriel in the library, a small pair of scissors, a bowl of water, and some cotton wool next to him, and Gabriel sat in front of him, shaking with fear and his eyes darting around for any signs of attacks. When Sam reached toward him, he flinched away, whimpering and Sam felt a tug at his heart. He smiled softly, telling the angel that everything would be okay.
His hand cupped Gabriel’s cheek softly and for a second the angel leaned into it, relaxing before tensing again. Sam brushed his thumb over his lips, they’d been sewn shut. His eyes welled with tears as he gasped softly, this was horrible. The person that did this would pay, Sam would make sure of it. Gabe allowed him to unstitch his lips, though he still didn’t talk. Sam frowned, once again cupping the angel’s face and this time, he did relax into it, and stayed there, still silent. Sam smiled warmly at him, he’d missed him, a lot. A tear fell from his eye and Gabriel watched it, confused. Sam pulled away and carried Gabriel to a spare room, placing him on the bed softly. Gabriel just sat there, so Sam decided to leave him for now, he’d check on him later.
When, after a few days the most they’d gotten from Gabriel was writing all over the walls, Sam decided to speak to him, going on a small rant about how people needed him, how he needed his angel back. And Gabriel spoke.
“Pornstars.” Was all he said first, and Sam turned in disbelief.
“They were pornstars, Sam.” Sam had never been so happy, he smiled widely and went to sit next to Gabriel.
“You’re okay?” He asked slowly, his fingers under Gabe’s chin, turning his face to make sure he was fine. Gabe chuckled and nodded, uncrossing his legs to sit like Sam, his legs dangling over the edge of the bed, barely touching the floor. Sam laughed to himself at the sight. He turned to Gabe, smiling sadly.
“I’m sorry, Gabe. Th-That I got mad, and we left you in that factory, and then you died and I-…”
“It’s okay, kiddo. I get it. I should’ve said something sooner. It was my fault, and I wanted to die for you, although I didn’t actually die, you had to think I did.” Gabriel said softly, his eyes pleading as he looked at Sam. Sam smiled slightly, Gabe looked cute like this. He’d had a lot of time to think about how he felt about Gabriel, obviously he cared for him, but after time, he’d realised that he may love the angel. And looking at him now, Sam knew it to be true. Sam had also imagined what he’d say, what he’d do if he did ever see Gabriel again, if for whatever impossible reason, he wasn’t dead. And now, he knew exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss him, wanting to feel the angel’s lips on his, and so he did. He surged forward, capturing Gabriel’s lips with his with force, but also a gentleness that Gabe had never felt before. For a few seconds, he was stunned, unsure of what to do next, but then he felt Sam’s hand on his hip, and he knew exactly what to do. He tangled his fingers into Sam’s beautifully soft hair and kissed him back. Years of confusion and loneliness, pining and guilt, questions unanswered and desperate wishes melted away with a single kiss. And a single kiss turned into two, then three, they refused to leave each other’s lips, not wanting to ever be free of this feeling. When they finally did pull away, they didn’t go far, their lips still hovering over each other, sharing the same air as they breathed heavily.
“I love you, Gabe.” Sam whispered, gripping Gabriel’s waist and pulling him into his lap so Gabriel was straddling his thighs. Gabe chuckled softly at the action, smiling cheekily.
“I love you too, kiddo.”