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Dear Phil,
Whoops sorry if this is weird. I’m weird for writing you, aren’t I? Probs. Anyway. Thing are different I guess. You doing okay? That’s a stupid question but I keep wanting to ask. I don’t approach you though because I don’t want to be weird. Ana has been keeping me updated. How can I talk to you without seeming needy? Sorry. I’m kind of horrible when it comes to these things. I just want you to feel okay, okay? I miss you. I know that’s weird, but, I mean, we used to talk every night. I miss that. Do you ever just miss past versions of yourself? I miss my seven year old self. Back when I was selfish and stupid but also sweetly naïve. I miss that. How do I tell you stuff without being weird and support you without prying? I’m scared you’ll hate me if I bring it up. I’ve decided I’m not going to give this to you. Just nice to write it, y’know.
Dan
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To: Phil
Hey sorry just noticed you’ve been pretty down lately, want to talk about it?
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Dear Phil,
Me again, this helped a lot last time, so I’ll try again. Your sister says you’re getting worse. I know you’re not going to school but you said school was going fine when I accidentally asked yesterday. You seemed to be having fun two days ago when we played Mart Kart with your sister. That was fun. I thought maybe we were getting close again. But I guess not. I hung out with Ana at your house yesterday. You were there but you kept in your room and the lights were out. I wish I could do something. I don’t know what to do. I texted you mid panic attack yesterday and I’m sorry. My hands were shaking so bad that it came out mostly gibberish, I hope you haven’t figured out what happened. No one knows about my panic attacks. Not even Ana. She’s worried about you, y’know. Ana and you have always seemed so close (I mean your siblings so yeah) but still, she’s really worried and you’re shutting her out. I want to approach you but I’m too scared of your reaction.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
Hey, what’s up?
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To: Phil :D
Hey
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Dear Phil,
I’m scared I might wake up one day with a call from Ana telling me you’re dead.
Please don’t kill yourself.
Dan
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To: Ana
Hey
From: Ana
whats up brah?
To: Ana
Nothing much, you?
From: Ana
nothing with me either. oh, btw, can’t come over to urs, parents dont want phil alone. u wanna come here?
To: Ana
Okay, I’ll head over now.
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Dear Phil,
You didn’t come out of your room today. Ana and I are good enough friends, but I think she could tell I wished you were there. She asked if you wanted to come out of your room a few times. I stayed in your kitchen. Your voice sounds really hoarse. Probably because you don’t talk much. It’s been over a month now. I’m really worried. Ana says you might be getting anxiety as well but she’s not sure. I’m scared. I miss you. I keep hoping I’ll help you but I never approach you ‘cause I’m a little stupid and not ready for your reaction. I think I’m going to try to actually text you tonight. Can you hear me and Ana’s conversations? We’re pretty loud. Apologizes. I might just text you an apology then ‘cause we were being really loud earlier this afternoon. Sorry in advance. God, I’m so cringe-y in these letters. Thank goodness I’m too scared of your reaction to give them to you.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
Sorry for being so loud at your house earlier! Hope it didn’t disturb you!
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Dear Phil,
I miss you a lot most of the time. Was it really only months ago that we were so close? I miss you and our walks around the lake and inside jokes and man I just miss you a lot, Phil. I know you’re getting worse. I don’t want to be pushy. Ana keeps inviting me over. I think she thinks that I can get you to come out of your room for once. I’m too afraid to talk to you. I know I was a shit person the first few years we knew each other. After I realized how stupid I was I myself promised I would try my best never to bother you anymore. I really thought we’d be friends forever once we got there, though. Did you? I’m being stupid with these letters.
Dan
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From: Ana
can i come over?
From: Ana
dad is trying to get phil out of bed. i need to get out.
To: Ana
Get over here now.
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Dear Phil,
I still miss you.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
Hey, you doing alright?
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To: Phil :D
What’s up?
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From: Ana
you going to the game saterday?
From: Ana
*Saturday
To: Ana
Not sure yet. Are you only asking so I’ll tag along while you drool over the football players?
From: Ana
…no
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Dear Phil,
We talked. For once. It feels like it’s been forever. Ana says you haven’t been getting up. I saw you accidentally. At the game. You where in the car when Ana got dropped off. Of course you remember, so I don't know why I'm telling this story. I just can’t get it out of my mind. You look so pale. I mean, you are pale usually, but even more. And your voice was so hoarse. But you’re still so beautiful and your eyes are still so blue. I know I’m being stupid. I know the reason we don’t talk anymore is because I told you my feelings. And I know you don’t return them. And I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. I know that I was stupid. I just miss you, okay? I just miss you.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
I miss you.
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From: Ana
i need u to pick me and take me to the hospital.
To: Ana
Tying shoes now. What happened?
From: Ana
phil overdosed, ambulance, not enough room
To: Ana
I’m here.
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To: Phil :D
Why did you do that
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To: Phil :D
I can’t stop listening to ‘stay with me’ and thinking of you.
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Dear Phil,
Oh won’t you stay with me? ‘Cause you’re all I need.
Dan
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From: Ana
come over. i know u need a hug.
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From: Ana
sorry i dragged u in there, for real tho. god, dan! u should hav told me about u and ur feelings for phil! i would have never asked u to drive me.
To: Ana
It’s fine, really.
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Dear Phil,
I miss you. I need you. Why did you do that. I know I said that it was fine but Ana doesn’t need know that I’m so freaking in love with you that I could barely breathe when I saw you. What were you thinking Phil?? You don’t have the right to do that. You can’t. You can’t just do that, Phil. Jesus Christ I love you and you can’t just do that. And I know I have no right to love you and I know we haven’t talked in like five months and I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. And I know I shouldn’t have kissed you and then ran away. You kept trying to push it down and just pretend nothing happened, but I am still in love with you. You’re still so beautiful, Phil. And I know we never talk but god dammit you can’t do that.
Dan
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From: Ana
phil asked me if u were at the hospital when he was out ;)
To: Ana
Really?
From: Ana
yup
From: Ana
i think u should come over. maybe u guys should talk?
To: Ana
You know he’s not going to come out of his room.
From: Ana
a girl can hope
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Dear Phil,
I don’t know.
I want to talk to you.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
If I could tell you anything it would be that I still miss you. And I know I have no right to love you, but I still do.
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Dear Phil,
I think I’m finally going to try to contact you today. Maybe after I write this. I don’t know. Trying my best. I miss you still. You finally got out the hospital though, so that’s good. Ana says you asked about me, if I visited you or not. I thought you were asleep. I hope that you didn’t notice that I kissed you on the forehead. That would be awkward considering everything. Ana confronted me. She knows now. About my stupid fucking love for you. She surprisingly just hugged me and apologized. I don’t mind though. It was kind of nice. You looked so peaceful, besides the large bags under your eyes. Maybe that’s creepy of me to comment on, sorry. Your dad thanked me for coming. I should have thanked him for letting me in.
Dan
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To: Phil :D
Hey, Phil
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From: Phil :D
hello, dan.
From: Phil :D
i've missed you.