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Remus huffed a frustrated breath. It had been a long day already and he just wanted to get home. He was tired and not in the mood to socialise. He certainly wasn’t in the mood for James turning up brash and loud and energetic and worst of all: with a plan.

“Can’t you forget anything?” Remus asked, the trait of James’ that he usually so loved had proven to be extraordinarily irritating and Remus didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“You promised,” James sung happily, loud enough that Remus was glad they were out of the library because knowing James, it wouldn’t have kept him quiet.

“We were very drunk,” Remus said, eyebrows scrunched in annoyance. He frowned. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Yes you can,” James returned easily, looping his arm around Remus’ shoulders as they walked. “I can’t believe you really thought I’d let this go.”

“My memory’s hazy at the best of times,” Remus snapped, jaw tense. “Plus, from all the times I’ve told you I don’t want to date anyone, I’d have thought you’d get the hint.”

“Flare?” James asked, tone soft for the first time, an edge of worry creeping through his words.

“No,” Remus said, reluctantly smiling at James’ consideration. “But that doesn’t mean I want to go tramping around on dates.”

“Just the one,” James promised, back to his irritatingly cheery self. “Just one. I’m pretty sure you’re going to like this one anyway.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’m afraid that job has already been taken up by Regulus, but I’ll consider your application.”

“You’re terrible,” Remus groaned.

“You love me.”

And it was true. Remus had loved James for a long time. Always platonic, always ridiculously overwhelming, Remus had loved James. Because of this, Remus really should have known that James would go through with their idiotic deal. Truth be told though, Remus didn’t really remember the exact terms of their deal. They had been very drunk and Remus’ day-to-day brain fog was enough that he generally had to let go of more memories than he’d like to.

James though, James’ memory had been insanely good for as long as Remus had known him. It had frustrated him to no end come exam time when James seemed to have no issue memorising statistics and quotes alike. It frustrated him more now on the infrequent occasions he was stupid enough to make deals or bets or say anything he wouldn’t have said if he hadn’t been in a state of pleasant sleepiness or inebriation.

So Remus found himself being dragged along streets to a restaurant that was apparently very lovely, but not so lovely that Remus would regret not being able to go back if the date went less than well. Remus wasn’t sure if he should be grateful for the foresight on James’ part or insulted. Likewise, he wasn’t sure how happy he was that James and Regulus were joining Remus and the mystery man. He wasn’t exactly in the best of moods and it would be a lot easier to brush the man off if James and Regulus weren’t right there.

James and Remus arrived at the restaurant to find Regulus already sitting down and the chair beside him with a leather jacket slung over the back of it. It was a lovely restaurant and at the very least, Remus hoped it’d feed him well while he suffered through whatever this was.

“How was your day, love?” Regulus asked James, slotting their hands together on the table as James slid into the seat across from him.

“Wonderful until this one got huffy with me for a deal he made,” James replied, shooting a grin in Remus direction.

Remus ignored them, knowing full well that they’d be happily occupied by each other for the next few minutes at least. Sitting across from the empty chair, he examined the leather jacket that was slung there — unfortunately, there wasn’t a great deal he could tell about the mystery man from it.

Remus debated standing up and leaving. He debated making a proper huff and letting James know just how he felt about this. He debated letting his frustration pour over and having it ruin the night.

Remus did none of these things, instead he leant back in his chair, half listening to the chatter between James and Regulus, half listening to the general buzz of the restaurant.

“Remus?”

The man who sat down across from Remus was nothing short of beautiful. Black hair caught back in what looked like a French braid, dark eyes that had somehow lit up on seeing the table full, long hands adorned with masses of rings. He looked strikingly similar to Regulus, and yet so very different.

“Here’s the man!” James declared happily. “Good to see you, Sirius. Rem, this is Sirius, Reg’s brother.’

“Sirius,” Remus repeated, pleased with the way the name felt in his mouth. He’d always done this, repeated names after hearing them; a solidification, a memorisation, an acknowledgement. “I suppose James didn’t tell you why you’ve been dragged here?” he asked, letting a vague lilt of annoyance seep through.

“To meet you, I thought,” Sirius returned easily, dark eyes catching Remus’ before Remus looked away.

Remus hummed a half-agreement. “Because you should never make a deal with James.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter, genuine and bright and Remus liked that just as much as his name. “I’ll keep that in mind,” Sirius said, looking to James, “hear that? Your best friend is slandering you.”

“He’s like that,” James returned, full of warmth.

Much to Remus’ annoyance, he found that he liked Sirius rather more than he had been expecting to. He hadn’t expected him to be Regulus’ brother. That being said, it almost didn’t matter, Sirius was so very different to Regulus. Truth be told, he’d had no ideas of what he was going into, Remus suspected it was a very deliberate move on James’ part. Sometimes he hated how well James knew him.

Still, Remus liked Sirius. Maybe too much. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He hadn’t liked someone with romantic potential in years, steering clear for the most part. He’d had bad experience after bad experience and had finally decided enough was enough. James hadn’t thought it was a very good idea, but Remus had insisted and so he’d had a peaceful, blissful few years alone.

He wasn’t sure he was ready to let that go yet. He wasn’t sure that he knew how to let that go yet. He wasn’t sure that he would find someone willing to put up with him enough to risk letting that go yet.

So when Sirius pulled him aside at the end of the evening and asked if he’d like to meet up again the following week without James and Regulus there, Remus declined, unsure which option he’d hate himself more for.

He hung back with James as they watched the brothers leaving, talking rapidly in what Remus presumed was Cantonese, Regulus apparently preferred it to the Mandarin he also spoke. He watched James watching Regulus walk away. James and Reg were and always had been, stupidly gentle around each other and though he wouldn’t admit it, it amazed Remus a little, he hadn’t known such gentleness existed.

“I should learn it,” James murmured, slinging an arm around Remus as they turned to walk in the other direction.

“Hm?”

“Cantonese,” James clarified.

“Oh.” Remus leant into James’ side as they walked. “Yeah, he’d like that a lot.”

“He would,” James agreed, happily squeezing Remus tighter. “Are we going back to yours?”

“Not tonight,” Remus said, gaze dropping to the path.

“Are you gonna see Sirius again? It looked like you got on.”

“No,” Remus replied, allowing a firmness to slip into his tone.

“No?” James asked, releasing his hold on Remus. “Why not?”

“Just not for me I guess.”

“Bullshit,” James countered lightly. “Why not?”

“I don’t date, James,” Remus said sharply.

James sighed and knocked into Remus’ side gently. “But do you want to?”

“No.”

“C’mon then. I’ll drive you home,” James allowed, though Remus didn’t miss the sad look aimed in his direction. He suspected that he wasn’t meant to miss it. James had never been one for subtle moves.

He certainly wasn’t subtle as he walked Remus up the stairs to his flat and made sure he was okay not once, not twice, but three times before he planted a firm kiss on the arch of Remus’ cheekbone and said his goodbyes. He wasn’t subtle when he sent a text later that night with Sirius’ number, just in case. He wasn’t subtle when he had Regulus message with a note of: you’re always welcome at ours. Remus hated James sometimes, hated the way he just did things, the way he was always so insistent, but he didn’t think he ever stopped loving the man who had taken one look at Remus and decided they were going to be friends if it was the last thing he did.

—

“So we meet again,” Sirius said, voice low as he leant against a spare patch of wall next to Remus.

“Sirius,” Remus said, remembering the way the name felt when he spoke it, the way that it filled him with an odd sort of pleasure. “How are you?”

“Pissed enough that if I hear one more person ask me or Reggie why our names aren’t more foreign I’ll take a swing,” Sirius returned pleasantly, tipping his head back to finish off whatever he was drinking.

“I’ll be right there with you,” Remus promised, smiling behind his own drink.

Peter and he had drifted apart as friends even when they were at school, now they were acquaintances more than anything, but Remus still got the occasional invite to the parties he hosted. He knew James got them as well and was around the place somewhere, probably wrapped around Regulus. He hadn’t known that Sirius would be there, however.

“Excellent,” Sirius said, shifting himself to face Remus. His eyes scanned up and down Remus and Remus fought the urge to snap at him. “You must get a lot of stupid questions as well?” Sirius asked, reaching out a hand to run a hand through the coils of Remus’ hair.

“Don't touch,” Remus snapped, shoving down just how much he wanted Sirius to touch. But he wouldn’t let anyone else touch his hair at random, so he couldn’t let Sirius. And plus, it wasn't like wanted a huge racist to be part of his life anyway.

“Shit! Sorry. Fuck. I’m just as bad as them. I promise I don’t go around touching black people’s — or anyone’s — hair at random.”

“Just, don't. It's fine, but that's not on, okay?”

“I’m sorry, I really shouldn't have, ” Sirius repeated, holding Remus’ gaze.

“No. You shouldn't have. I know. It’s alright,” Remus said. He pushed back the part of him that wanted to let Sirius tangle his hands in Remus’ hair as much as he wanted, now that the prejudice element was eliminated. It was a bad idea, it wouldn’t be good for either of them. It was a bad idea.

“I’d ask if you were here with James, but he’s been attached to my brother for the past two hours, so I guess not.”

“No, got an invite on my own. Are you here with someone?” Remus asked, letting his curiosity come through. He half hoped that Sirius had brought a date, at least that way he would have a stronger excuse to not ask Sirius out.

“Nope,” Sirius replied easily. “Just wanted to get out tonight.”

“Understandable.” Remus smiled, glancing to catch Sirius’ gaze.

“Was thinking about leaving though,” Sirius said. “Come with?”

Remus startled. He had been so good, he hadn’t even let Sirius touch him. He had bluntly refused the last time they saw each other. What was Sirius doing talking like this now?

Sirius breathed in sharply at Remus’ silence. “To a cafe?”

Remus made his decision fast, maybe faster than he should have. “Yeah, alright.”

“Excellent,” Sirius said, looking like he wanted to say something else, do something else.

Maybe that was what Remus wanted too.

He stamped that thought down firmly and let himself follow Sirius out of the party, resisting the urge to grab onto the slender fingers that were just as decorated with rings as they had been the first time they had met. He followed Sirius down and across streets, letting him lead the way to a cosy looking cafe where they sat by the window and Remus shivered in the warmth rather than the cold.

“You’re a librarian, right?” Sirius asked half an hour into their chat, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee.

“Right,” Remus confirmed. “And you’re a doctor.”

“Yep,” Sirius affirmed.

“Impressive,” Remus said, offering a grin. “Dr. Sirius Black,” he murmured, letting the name cement itself in his brain.

“Hopefully I’ll never be your doctor,” Sirius said, returning Remus’ grin brightly. “I work emergencies mostly.”

“Ah, I usually steer clear of that section at least,” Remus said before he had stopped to think about it. Eyes wide, he resisted the urge to stand up and leave. He was being so careful, why did he have to go and say that?

“Hm?” Sirius had questions in his tone and Remus didn’t want them. He didn’t want questions, he didn’t want to be that person, he didn’t want to hear the sympathy in Sirius’ tone. He didn’t want to be asked about it the next time he saw Sirius.

He slammed abruptly into the thought that he’d rather like to see Sirius again. And again, and again, and again preferably.

Before Sirius had a chance to voice any of the questions Remus was sure he was brewing, Remus had shoved his chair back. “It’s late. I’m working tomorrow morning. This has been nice. I’ll see you in a couple of months, I’m sure,” he said, fighting to keep his tone even.

He was gone before Sirius had a chance to respond.

When Remus walked fast, he walked fast. He was on the bus home before he really knew what he was doing, certainly before Sirius would ever have a chance to know what he was doing. He was an idiot, he was such an idiot. He had been so good, how had he let it get so close? How had he let Sirius get so close? They had only met twice.

It was not good, it was not okay. Remus couldn’t deal with trying this again. He couldn’t deal with going through the painstaking process of explaining to have people either say they’d find a cure — not possible — or “oh, sorry, I don’t think this is going to work then”. He didn’t want to do that, he couldn’t do that.

He had told James he wasn’t going to date for a reason. He should have told Sirius the same thing.

“James,” Remus croaked into the phone the next morning.

“What’s wrong?” James asked, concern threading through his tone tempered only by James’ infallible security that things would be okay.

“So many things,” Remus laughed, closing his eyes against tears that threatened to fall.

“Moony.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Remus said, forcing away the fact that he really wasn’t sure if it was. “I just, I needed to hear you.”

“I saw you speaking to Sirius last night,” James said softly.

“Yeah.”

“You’re allowed to date people, Rem.”

Remus pulled his duvet more tightly around him, persistently ignoring the pain flooding across him. “I can’t, James. Not when a normal day is a seven.”

“You’re allowed to date people,” James repeated firmly.

“Enough now, James,” Remus said and much to his relief, they did move on. Remus sat on his bed, listening to James speak about his plans for the day, about Regulus, about the new and very annoying coworker he was dealing with. He let James talk, comforted by the fact that James knew when enough was enough.

—

“Remus!” Sirius exclaimed sounding oddly happy, slipping into the train seat across from Remus.

“Sirius,” Remus said, the name resounding against his thoughts. He wasn’t sure why Sirius was looking so cheerily at him. Unless he had forgotten a meeting of theirs, the last time they had spoken, Remus had left Sirius seated at a cafe with no answers or manners.

“How are you?” Sirius asked, a bright smile across his face.

“Sirius,” Remus repeated, letting an apology slide through his tone.

“It’s alright,” Sirius said, hovering a hand above Remus’ knee for a moment before clasping it, forgiveness bleeding through.

“I’m okay,” Remus said, willing himself to sound neutral. “Long day. How are you?”

“Better for having seen you,” Sirius said easily, releasing Remus’ knee and Remus sucked in an inaudible breath at the loss of contact. “A long day for me as well though, people are so stupid sometimes.

Remus laughed, allowing himself a grin. “So stupid. I had lady ask me today why the nonfiction was divided by category.”

“Oh god.”

“Right! Imagine the chaos if we just scattered it all in together! It would be infuriating.”

“No one would ever come in to just browse,” Sirius agreed. “You’d need a whole day to find anything.”

“Well, there’d be the computer system, but yeah, it would be chaos.”

“Do you often take this train?” Sirius asked, tone careful.

“Nearly everyday,” Remus replied, fingers tapping nervously along the seat next to him. “Why?”

“No reason,” Sirius said, easing a smile across his face. “Tell me about the rest of your day?”

Remus obliged.

—

“Hello,” Sirius said lightly, setting himself down in the seat across from Remus.

They were on the train again. They had met many more times on the train. Rarely did Remus see Sirius less than four times a week these days, whether on the train or because they’d actually organised to do something. Sirius had shown Remus his flat and vice versa. Remus had stopped fighting against the fact that he enjoyed talking to Sirius, but it was getting harder and harder to pretend that was all he wanted in this relationship of theirs.

But it was days like these that reminded Remus exactly why talking was as far as their relationship was ever going to get. Days when pain coursed through him so fiercely he wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or scream and all he ended up doing was sitting gingerly on his sofa, wishing for a way out of it. Even with the pain medication that he didn’t particularly like using, it was still there. Sitting on the train, every bump making him jolt, it was worse.

“You alright?” Sirius asked, concern grazing his tone.

Remus winced at the fact that he was being so obvious. This wasn’t something he wanted, or needed. He certainly didn’t want to make whatever he and Sirius had more precarious by adding in the fact that: ‘oh by the way, I suffer from fibromyalgia, a chronic invisible illness that no one really knows what to do with’. No, that wasn’t going to help anyone.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remus said, determined to keep his tone even.

“Alright,” Sirius allowed, expression still full of a wariness Remus didn’t know what to do with.

“How was your day?” Remus asked, hoping to shift Sirius into thinking about something else. “Tell me about all the idiots.”

“Hectic,” Sirius reported, a heaviness to his tone. “This woman, she… she was beat up pretty bad. I was covering a shift and the ambulance brought her in at about 4AM. I wanted to cry.”

Sirius still looked like he wanted to cry, Remus noted. This wasn’t how he wanted to take his mind away from the pain, but it seemed like it would be how he was going to be taking his mind away from the pain anyway.

“Hey,” Remus starting, moulding his tone into something soft and soothing, laying a hand across Sirius’. “Come back to mine?”

Sirius hesitated, eyes flicking up to Remus’ and back down to where their hands overlapped. “Yeah.” He gave a smile that was more of a grimace and Remus squeezed his hand before bringing it back to his own lap.

“Good,” Remus murmured. “How many hours have you worked today?”

“Fourteen,” Sirius delivered after a moment. “I think.”

“Sleep now. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

“Alright,” Sirius replied, achingly soft. And indeed, at Remus’ confirmation that it was okay, he bundled up his coat and leant against the window, out in seconds.

Remus did wake Sirius up just before the right stop and they walked back to Remus’ flat together. Maybe Remus did think about holding Sirius’ hand, but did it really matter? At the very least, he could listen to Sirius today instead of being afraid that sooner or later he was going to spill too much information, give too much away, have it all come to an abrupt ending.

There was nothing he wanted less than that. So it was easier to just not say anything. Maybe it wasn’t a good solution, but it was better than none. And right now, walking into his flat with Sirius in tow, with Sirius settling into the sofa, with Sirius slowly opening up about this woman he had helped, Remus didn’t want anything more.

“I just can’t believe the world is so awful sometimes, you know? Just because, you know, she was trans. I hate it. And it makes me scared, for Regulus. I hate it so much, Remus,” Sirius said, breathing in and out deeply. “I can’t work out if it surprises me or not anymore.”

“I get that,” Remus acknowledged, guiding sympathy through his tone. He did know what Sirius meant, he knew exactly what Sirius meant; they had worked out months ago that they had this shared anger in them. “But Sirius,” he started, letting the name fall off his lips with all the gentleness it deserved. “You helped her. You’re doing something. You’re helping.”

“Maybe,” Sirius allowed. “But what if one day I can’t?”

“Then you’ll have tried your best and that’s still helping. It will be awful and terrible and you will grieve, but it won’t be your fault. You know that,” Remus said gently. “You’ve learnt this,” he reminded him.

“I know.”

“I know it doesn’t always help, but it is true.”

“I know.”

“It’ll be alright,” Remus said with a tone of positivity that he had never managed to convey to himself, but from the gentleness on Sirius’ face it looked like it had hit the mark. “Thank you for trusting me.”

“Thank you for being here.”

“Happy to be,” Remus replied, offering up a smile.

He was happy to be there for Sirius. He was more than happy to be there for Sirius. In fact, he wanted to be there for Sirius. He wanted to be there for Sirius in more ways than he could name, he wanted to be there physically and emotionally and mentally and in every way he knew how to be and in all the ways he could learn how to be.

Romance wasn’t really his style. Remus didn’t dislike it, but he didn’t necessarily want it either. He did however, want the solidity that came from trusting and being trusted. He wanted to have Sirius talk to him and he wanted to talk to Sirius and he wanted to have more than what he knew he could have. He wanted more that he could ever imagine himself being lucky enough to have.

So he swallowed down what he wanted and he moved on in a smooth, practiced motion.

“Sirius,” Remus started, helpless against the emotion that fled into the name.

“Remus?”

“Stay the night?”

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked full of a softness Remus didn’t know what to do with.

“If you don’t mind the couch.” Remus ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he was doing it anyway.

“Of course, I don’t.”

When James called Remus the next morning to check in, Remus couldn’t keep the pain out of his voice. The fact that Sirius was just there in the lounge room, just a wall away. Remus kept his voice low as he spoke to James, not wanting to wake Sirius. Especially not wanting to wake Sirius with conversations about their relationship. He couldn’t imagine that going down well.

“Take care of yourself,” James instructed firmly, years of experience in his words.

“I always do,” Remus replied, almost wishing that James would just drop it.

“That’s a lie and you know it,” James said, but Remus could hear the smile in his tone.

“Alright, alright,” Remus conceded, leaning back against his pillows, closing his eyes. “I’ll be good.”

“Thank you.”

“Mhm,” Remus gave in a warm acknowledgement. “You’re one of the good ones.”

—

“Fuck! Fuck, Remus. What the fuck?” Sirius’ tone was frantic and Remus wasn’t sure why, he wasn’t sure why Sirius sounded so panicked when this wasn’t anything new.

This wasn’t anything Remus hadn’t dealt with before, he wasn’t sure why Sirius was freaking out over it this much. Sure, it didn’t usually happen with no warning and Remus had somehow managed to make it without passing out in public more than a couple of times — well, a few now — but Remus would have thought that with Sirius being a doctor, he was well-equipped to handle these situations.

“I’m alright, Sirius,” Remus said, pushing reassurance into his tone as he spoke Sirius’ name, a grounding technique for them both.

“You passed out, Remus,” Sirius protested in a sharp hiss. “With no fucking warning. I just saw you eat. We were eating. You didn’t run into anything. Why are you just fainting at random?”

These weren’t even the worst questions Remus had imagined and he was pleasantly surprised by that, or perhaps he was still dazed. But no, he had been expecting questions as he felt himself come to. What’s wrong with you? Why did you lie to me? Why the hell didn’t you warn me? But though Sirius sounded upset, he didn’t have the same anger to his tone that Remus had been bracing himself for.

“It doesn’t matter,” Remus replied, keeping his tone light. “Not right now anyway.”

“Shit. You’re right. We have to get you home.”

“If you need to leave, it’s okay. I’ll get myself home,” Remus offered, letting apology bleed into his words. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Sirius said, voice sharp and solid. “I am making sure you get home and making sure you’re safe.”

“Alright,” Remus allowed. He had learnt months ago that there was no stopping Sirius once he had set his mind on something, and Remus wasn’t exactly in the right space of mind to argue. Plus, he could use the extra help getting home. He was pretty sure his collapse was only going to make him all the more sore that evening and the next day. Who knew how many days after that.

So he was patient as Sirius bundled him into a taxi and he was patient as Sirius took the key from him to unlock the front door and he was patient as Sirius quite literally put him in bed, handing him tea and a concerned gaze. He was patient as Sirius hovered in the bedroom doorway, looking like he wanted to ask a million questions. Questions that Remus knew he would have to answer at some point, now that they had gotten to this point. Questions that Remus really didn’t want to answer, regardless of whatever point they were at.

And so Remus turned over in the bed, facing himself away from Sirius. Partially to avoid being questioned. Partially to avoid asking Sirius to kiss him.

Sirius was gone the next morning and Remus felt an odd hollowness at that. He hadn’t realised how much he had wanted Sirius to be there. He hadn’t realised how much he had expected Sirius to be there. It was far better that he hadn’t been there, clearly. Remus was getting too comfortable. And he’d started out so well.

“Sirius,” Remus said into the empty kitchen, shivering in the echo of it.

—

“You passed out!” James exclaimed, frustration crossing his face. “Has that happened a lot recently?”

“James,” Remus whined, fed up with the tracking of symptoms, fed up with the questions, fed up with the illness as a whole. “Do we really need to do this?”

“You know we do,” James said softly. “I’m sorry. I know it sucks. But either you have to do it by yourself or with me.”

“No, it hasn’t been happening a lot,” Remus managed to choke out.

He hated this, he hated every part of it. He hated the fact that James was being so kind and he was being so horrible. He hated the fact that the tracking didn’t do anything and he hated the fact that he knew it was important anyway. He hated the fact that it had been Sirius to see him pass out and he hated that he still hadn’t seen Sirius since that afternoon.

“Good,” James said, snapping the book closed. “Okay, we’re done now.”

“Thanks Prongs,” Remus let out, easing his gratitude into his tone, the nickname sliding out of his throat as easily as it had done for years now, warm and loving.

“Are you coming to mine now or do you want to stay here?” James asked.

Remus appreciated the opportunity to choose something himself, to have some sense of control over things. “I’ll stay here.”

“Okay. Take care of yourself, alright?”

“Alright.”

“And call Sirius,” James said pointedly. “How long has it been now?”

“Four, five days? I don’t know,” Remus said, frustrated. “What did you write down in the book? When did I pass out?”

“Sunday,” James said, exhaling. “Hey listen, Remus, I’m sorry. But it’s been four days, call Sirius, he’d like to hear from you.”

“You don’t know that,” Remus spat, pressing his face into James’ shoulder, willing the aching in his chest to go away. He didn’t need emotional difficulties as well as physical ones.

“I live with his brother,” James pointed out, smiling. “I do know that. Do something about it or I’ll send him over with a key.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Do something about it,” James returned, squeezing Remus gently. “At least talk to him.”

“Soon,” Remus promised.

—

“Sirius,” Remus said as he opened the door, filling the name with trepidation and more care than Remus had known he possessed.

“Thank fuck you’re alright,” Sirius said, tone full of warmth as he wrapped his arms around Remus tightly, a force behind the movement that said more than Remus could process at the moment.

“Well, you knew I was alright,” Remus noted, grinning at Sirius released him.

“True,” Sirius acknowledged. “But it’s not the same as seeing you. It’s been two weeks, Rem.”

Remus fought back a wince. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Sirius said, with an uncharacteristic patience. “I don’t want to push in where you don’t want me, but I want to be involved if you’ll have me.”

And Remus does want him. Remus wants Sirius in his life more than Remus has wanted anything for a long time. Remus has been comfortable with what he’s had, or at the very least, comfortable enough. Wishing that his fibro go away wasn’t the same as wanting Sirius. But the two were still linked and Remus couldn’t drag Sirius into his life properly without know that it was what Sirius wanted. He was well aware that he wasn’t the simplest person to like, to get to know, to have a relationship with. But oh how he wanted to have Sirius.

“Are you sure?” Remus asked, finally speaking without moderation in his tone, all wishes and wanting in his tone. “You need to be sure.”

“I’m sure,” Sirius promised.

“Okay.” Remus curled himself into the couch, motioning for Sirius to sit at the other end. He knew there would be questions, he wanted to be suitably seated for them when they came. He wanted to Sirius to be comfortable after having been so kind.

Sirius laid a comforting hand on Remus’ thigh for a moment before pulling it away with a smile, the touch an acknowledgement. Remus returned the smile, sucked in a deep breath and shoved aside the anxiety that was threatening to choke him before he even got a word out.

“I have fibromyalgia,” Remus delivered, tone forcibly even, eyes cast away from Sirius’. “I’m also an anxious fuck and altogether not good at interacting with people. I’m bi, but I’m also ace, so no sex.” The list poured out of Remus in a rush and he closed his eyes briefly, forcing back tears that threatened to fall.

“I don’t really know a lot about fibromyalgia, but I know a bit,” Sirius said, voice even and calm. “And I know it is pretty awful, so I’m sorry you have to deal with that. But if you think that it’s going to scare me away then you’ve got to readjust what you think of me.”

“It’s… a lot harder than it sounds now,” Remus put out reluctantly. “Ask James. Hell, ask Regulus. It’s not always pretty. It’s not just passing out on occasion. And I’m a pretty awful patient.”

“I’m a doctor, Remus,” Sirius said simply. “I’m not in the business of steering clear of things just because they’re hard.”

“Yeah, but you’re saving people with that,” Remus protested, smiling at the sentiment anyway.

“I’m not dropping out on you because of an illness,” Sirius promised. “Now, can we loop back to that ace thing?”

Not for the first time in his life, Remus was grateful that his skin tone didn’t let him blush easily, because he was sure that with the embarrassment levels rising up in him now, he would be all and only red had he been paler.

“Sure,” he managed, not trusting himself with more than the one syllable.

“I need to know if you were telling me just because you were sharing things or if you mentioned it because you’d like to… reevaluate what we’re doing here,” Sirius said bluntly, putting everything on the table in a way that made Remus cringe slightly, even if he was grateful it was so simply stated.

He was grateful for its simplicity. He was not grateful for the fact that Sirius was clearly expecting an answer.

“Sirius,” Remus breathed, letting a plea into his tone.

“Remus,” Sirius returned easily. “You need to tell me.”

“Kiss me,” Remus said, hoping that was answer enough.

“You’re sure?”

“I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Sirius’ leant in and kissed Remus and Remus wondered what it would have been like had he not forced them to wait nearly a year for this moment. Remus found he didn’t mind. Remus found that it was increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything but Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.

They broke apart and Sirius slotted himself against Remus’ side, hovering a hand above Remus’ head before Remus’ nod gave him permission to run his hands through the coils of hair that Sirius had tried to touch all those months ago.

Remus finished each sentence with Sirius’ name as they spoke, side by side, in the comfort of one another. Remus fit Sirius’ name against his lips, in his throat, in his mind, with a new set of associations. Even more beautiful than before, he whispered, “Sirius” and delighted in the way Sirius cuddled himself firmer against Remus, taking care to be gentle all the while.

—

Remus groaned in frustration. It had been a long day and all he wanted was to get home. To get home where his boyfriend would be waiting for him, to get back to the home that they had made for each other, to get home where Remus had so carefully revealed more and more of his thoughts as time went on, where Sirius had so gently let Remus into more and more of his own secrets. To the home that they had made.

“Sirius,” Remus said when he finally got home, the name wrapping around him like the flat, like Sirius, like the life they were in the process of making.

“Remus,” Sirius replied, pulling Remus tight towards him. “Tell me all about the idiots of the day?”

“Of course.”