Chapter Text
James stepped out into the snow-covered back garden, pulling his coat a bit tighter around himself as the chill of the air enveloped him. Snow was gently falling now, but that was an improvement over the freezing rain that had preceded it. He made his way carefully over the somewhat icy path to the far end of the garden.
Though its branches were now bare, the large oak tree there provided a bit of shelter. He settled with his back against the trunk, pulled out a cigarette, and lit it. Absent-mindedly playing the cigarette in his hand, he thought back over the events that had led to him standing here in Lyn's back garden on this snowy December day.
Robbie had assured him before they had driven up to Manchester that morning that Lyn was fine with this new relationship between them. Lyn had even phoned James to tell him how much she was looking forward to their visit.
He had met Lyn a handful times over the years and he liked her. He had enjoyed discovering how much like her father she was in some ways and how very different in others. She, in turn, had always seemed friendly and pleased to see him.
But since they had last seen each other, all of the existing game rules had been chucked right out the window. In spite of Robbie's continued assurances, James had been decidedly nervous as they'd pulled up in front of her house. But she'd been lovely. She'd greeted him warmly with a hug and a little 'happy for you and dad' speech.
In spite of outward appearances, though, James was sure that she must have at least some reservations. It would be strange if she didn't. And he had certainly picked up on a sense of unease when she'd apologised for the size of the guest room and had said that she hoped they wouldn't be too crowded in there together.
He understood, of course. It had to be weird for Lyn to think about her dad sharing his bed with someone again, let alone another man; considerably younger too, and his sergeant to boot. At least the job concerns would soon be resolved, as Robbie was set to retire at the end of the month.
As he brought the cigarette to his lips once more, his thoughts drifted back to that night almost two months ago now, when he and Robbie had kissed for the first time. It had been a night like so many others; the two of them quietly sharing beers on Robbie's sofa, both trying to deal with the emotional aftermath of yet another difficult and heartbreaking case. That case had reinforced in James's mind the thought that had become more and more frequent. He honestly wasn't sure how much longer could he continue to do this job. It was taking a toll, mentally and physically, and he needed a change.
He had actually been on the verge of telling Robbie what he was thinking that night, a rare enough occurrence, but before he could get the words out, Robbie had reached over and taken James's beer out of his hand, setting both bottles on the table. As he'd turned back to face James, he'd hesitated only briefly before reaching out and covering James's hand with his own.
"James, I've been giving some serious thought to retirement. I've reached the point where I'm honestly not sure how many more pointless acts of violence I can shrug off or how many more grieving families I can cope with."
Momentarily caught off guard, James had quickly realised that he shouldn't really be surprised. The two of them were always so closely in sync. It didn't really matter if one or both left, his whole world was about to change and he felt it like a gut punch. What would this mean for their relationship? Conflicting thoughts and emotions had vied to be addressed in his brain, but he couldn't deal with any of that yet.
He'd attempted to clear his mind and focus as Robbie had taken a deep breath and continued. "Every case like this one is harder to get past and after each one I think, maybe, I've finally done enough."
As he'd been talking, Robbie had wrapped his fingers around James's hand and had begun to rub his thumb across the back of it. James had instinctively turned his hand over and intertwined their fingers as Robbie had continued speaking. "I'd like to think that I've hung on this long because I know what I do makes a difference, and that's certainly part of it, but the truth is much more personal than that. Knowing that I get to spend every day with you, working side by side, being challenged to be better at what I do because you push me to, laughing at your smartarse comments - those are the things that have really kept me at it.
"You said to me once, 'If you go, I go.' That works both ways, you know. I've seen you struggling lately and maybe leaving the force is the right decision for you. Maybe it's not. But one way or another, it seems we're coming to the end of our working relationship, and if that's the case, there are some things that finally need to be said. I reckon we need to take a hard look at whatever this is between us and see where it goes. Truth is, I can't imagine living a life without you beside me every day."
God. Standing here now, he could almost feel again the deep emotional reaction those words had created. They had threatened to overwhelm him and it had been almost too much to take in. He'd had to focus on staying calm, but he remembered tightening his grip on Robbie's hand.
Robbie had chuckled softly. "S'pose I'm making a bit of an assumption here, but I am a trained detective. I don't think I've misinterpreted all those looks when you didn't think I was paying attention, or the lingering touches, or all the other little clues I've picked up on over the years. Wasn't appropriate for me to acknowledge them or respond in any way before. But, I hope I'm not wrong in thinking that you might feel a bit more for me than friendship?"
James had lowered his eyes as a full-on grin had overtaken his face. He'd had to work to keep his voice even as he'd responded. "You know you're not wrong. You're half of a pretty good detective, remember?"
"The brains, as I recall." Robbie, too, had a grin on his face now.
"Yes, well. And all this time I thought I was being so bloody brilliant at hiding it from you. Apparently, I'm a crap actor. No BAFTAs in my future then."
He remembered the feeling of butterflies in his stomach in those moments. The disbelief he'd felt that after all this time, things were about to be said, and, hopefully, things were about to be done, that he had dreamt of for so long. He had paused and taken a deep breath. "There were times, too, when I thought I saw something from you, but I'd convinced myself that I was only seeing what I wanted to see."
As he'd met Robbie's eyes, he'd reached out and cupped Robbie's face with his hand. He knew, of course, that at a significant moment like this, Robbie would be expecting an appropriate quote from him and he hadn't wanted to disappoint. Keats came to mind first. "'Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced.'" And when their lips had come together that first time, James had finally understood all of those silly analogies about fireworks and being the only two people in the world.
These past couple of months, which had been spent finding their way through this new relationship between them, had been the best James had ever known. They had chosen to keep it just between them for the time being, partially because they were still working together, but mostly because they were not willing to share this with anyone yet.
Though both suspected that Laura had tumbled to it. She had suddenly developed a need to touch them both, while wearing a Cheshire Cat-like grin whenever she was with them. Robbie had told him that he and Laura had figured out some months before that they were better as friends. And, in fact, Laura was now seeing someone else; a Professor of Music apparently.
Robbie had wanted Lyn to be the first person they told, so he had driven up to talk to her a couple of weeks ago. He had told James that she had cried and hugged him and had been very accepting and supportive. She had asked her dad to bring James up for this weekend, and so here they were.
There were still some things to be sorted before they could get on with this relationship properly, of course. James had yet to decide what he was going to do, which was a major issue. There were several options he was exploring, including staying where he was and taking his inspector's exam. He had been on the verge of walking away from the force, but with this change in his life, he'd recently been reconsidering that decision. He knew Robbie was hoping he would choose to stay, but he had also made it clear that, whatever James's decision, he would have Robbie's full support.
It was a new experience having someone in his life who was there for him unconditionally. Still, James had insisted that it was a decision they would make together. He thought that, perhaps, with Robbie being such a solid presence in his life now, he might actually want to continue in this job where he knew that he was impacting lives in a positive way, even if it was sometimes difficult to cope with the fallout.
But in the end, no matter what decision he made, he knew that he would be coming home to Robbie at the end of every day. James always had an endless supply of quotes and appropriately witty responses available for almost any situation, but he found that he could find no appropriate words to express how wonderful that felt.
His thoughts were abruptly interrupted when he heard the back door open. He looked up to see Robbie stepping outside. Their eyes met and James instantly felt his breath catch and his heart skip. That intense physical reaction was by no means new. He had experienced it more times than he could count over the years. It usually happened when he was lost in thought or concentrating on something and Robbie had appeared before him unexpectedly.
The difference now, of course, was that he didn't have to hide the truth. He didn't need to worry that he might be giving himself away and he didn't need to bury his emotional reaction to Robbie's presence so that he could manage to function normally. Instead, he allowed the surprise and the joy he felt at Robbie's current unexpected arrival to show on his face, and in return he received a smile and a look that warmed him through, in spite of the cold.
Robbie began making his way slowly towards him over the slippery path. James took a final drag on his cigarette and bent to put it out in the snow. As he did so, he caught a hint of movement at the window out of the corner of his eye. He picked up the cigarette butt and stashed it in his pocket, which earned him an approving nod from the other man as he arrived at James's side.
James ducked his head to hide his embarrassment as he said, "Wouldn't want Jack to find that." He moved over to make room for Robbie to lean against the tree beside him.
"No," Robbie agreed as he rested back against the tree, close enough that James felt the heat as their bodies made contact in several places. He found it very distracting. "If this snow keeps up," Robbie continued casually, "we should be able to help him build his first snowman later."
James smiled and nodded, picturing Robbie laughing and helping Jack create a wonderful snow masterpiece. And then, quite unexpectedly, a long-forgotten childhood memory intruded. He, Paul and a couple of the other kids from the estate had built a snowman one winter day after a rare heavy snowfall. They'd laughed and argued about how to decorate it and they'd even persuaded Cook to give them an old carrot for the nose. They were all convinced it was the best snowman anyone had ever built.
Later that day, when he'd excitedly told his father about it and asked if he would like to see it, his father had scowled at him and responded with disdain. "Why would I want to see it? Bloody waste of time building something out of snow. It'll all be gone tomorrow." Those dismissive words had stung young James and, though he had tried to convince himself that nothing his father said to him mattered, he couldn't remember ever building another snowman.
He hadn't realised that he'd gone quiet and introspective until Robbie bumped his own shoulder into James's. "You all right?"
James felt his cheeks flush. "Yeah, I'm fine." Allowing Robbie beyond the defences he'd spent a lifetime erecting around himself was difficult and most definitely a work in progress, but he was trying. "Just remembering one of my 'less than warm and fuzzy' childhood moments with my father that oddly centred around a snowman."
"Ah." Robbie nodded his understanding and was quiet for a moment before he said, "Well, I reckon this snowman we build with Jack will be a good memory, yeah? Maybe they'll equal out."
James smiled and wondered, not for the first time, how it was that Robbie always seemed to know the right words to say to help him out of the dark places where his mind sometimes took him. The promise and support offered in that simple phrase gave James exactly what he needed to distance himself from the lingering pain and emotion that the memory had evoked.
That moment was in the past and it truly no longer mattered. What mattered was now, and this man standing beside him. James reached out and clasped Robbie's hand in his own. "Yes, I'm sure they will." Without thinking, he placed his other hand on Robbie's cheek, leaned in and kissed him softly.
Suddenly realising what he'd done, he pulled back and apologised. "Sorry. I'm sorry." He also reluctantly let go of Robbie's hand. He could feel the heat making its way up from his neck to his face.
Robbie gave him a confused and somewhat hurt look. "What the bloody hell are you sorry for? Thought you'd figured out by now I like it when you kiss me."
James quickly put his hand back on Robbie's arm to reassure him. "Yes, of course, it's just - Lyn. She's watching."
Understanding showed on Robbie's face as he threw his head back and began to laugh.
James was now the one who was confused. "What?"
"Apparently we've not been properly introduced." Robbie held out his hand to shake James's. James, still not getting it, reached out and shook his offered hand. "Robbie Lewis, Detective Inspector."
Ah. I'm an idiot. "You knew."
"Course I knew. Even if I hadn't noticed the curtain move while we were talking, I know me daughter, don't I?"
"Well," James said, "I can only claim being thoroughly distracted by you for not picking up on that, but I didn't want to put you in an awkward position with her."
Robbie pushed away from the tree and reached out for James's hand to pull him up. As they faced each other, James felt Robbie's hands settle on his waist as he pulled James close. James happily accepted the quick, playful kiss Robbie delivered. "Appreciate that, but we're not the ones spying on her. I'd like to believe that she's just concerned for her old man, and I know she is, but she's always been a bit too inquisitive for her own good." He continued with a grin, "Course I think the real reason she's watching is because she needs to reassure herself that you're not just after me for my body."
James couldn't help laughing out loud at that. "Well," he said, as he wrapped his arms around Robbie's waist," I most certainly am after you for your body." It was his turn to lean in and give Robbie a quick kiss. "But," he continued with feeling, "there's a bit more to it than that."
"Glad to hear it. Now do you s'pose if I kiss you properly in front of Miss Nosy Parker, you might be all right with that?"
James smiled as he raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You sure? Wouldn't want to scandalise her."
Robbie gave James an amused grin as he brought one hand up to tenderly cup James's cheek, brushing his thumb lightly across his lips. "Our Lyn's not easily scandalised. Besides, I've got an overwhelming desire to snog you thoroughly right now, and if she chooses to watch, then I reckon she's going to get an eyeful."
James laughed again as he happily brought both hands up to frame Robbie's face. "Yes, I think she will." As he brought their lips together again, he no longer cared what Lyn did or didn't see. All of his attention was focused on Robbie and this kiss and the intensity of emotion that surged between them. He moved his hands to Robbie's shoulders, resting them there briefly, before wrapping his arms around Robbie, pulling him closer still.
Though the actual words had yet to be spoken between them, kisses like this left no doubt about the strong connection they shared. James loved Robbie and he knew that Robbie loved him. And now, maybe, Lyn would know that too.
When they finally separated, Robbie kept James close with his hands on James's arms, while resting their foreheads together. When Robbie spoke, his heartfelt but unexpected admission took James's breath away. "Hope you know that it wouldn't matter what Lyn thought about us. She may be my daughter, but you, well, you're my life."
James's heart leapt into his throat and he found that he was rendered quite incapable of making any type of verbal response. All he could manage was a nod and a quick emotional kiss, but he knew Robbie would understand the impact his words had had. Later, when they were finally alone, it would be time for James to respond to that declaration with one of his own.
The idea of laying his heart bare, exposing himself in a way he never imagined he could or would do, should have terrified him. But he found that he longed to say the words properly now. Robbie was the one person in the world James trusted with his heart and he deserved to hear those all-important words spoken aloud.
It wouldn't be easy, of course. He would have to summon all his courage and he had no idea exactly what he would say. But he hoped that by finally giving voice to all that he was feeling, he might begin to accept, and truly believe, that he had finally found his place in the world. He belonged to Robbie and Robbie belonged to him.
"Now," Robbie said, lightening the mood, and disrupting James's thoughts. Robbie let go of James and settled back against the tree once more, while James resumed his place beside him, "the way I see it, after that little display, she'll either have tears of joy running down her cheeks or she'll be twenty shades of red. Or a combination of the two."
He paused thoughtfully for a moment and continued. "I reckon it'll be tears as our Lyn's not easily embarrassed. And she may be nosy, but she's also quite tender-hearted and cries at the drop of a hat." He paused before he added, "Besides, she'll be that relieved to know that I'm not just a sex object to you."
James actually snorted as he laughed. "Who says you're not?" Robbie gave him a look of mock disdain and he reluctantly conceded the point. "Well, all right, at least you're not only that." He paused a moment and then continued with a hint of playfulness in his voice. "Perhaps she'll start dropping hints about china patterns and wedding venues now."
Robbie rolled his eyes. "You think you're joking, man, but just wait. Now, don't know 'bout you, but I'm freezing me bollocks off. Think it's time to head in and see which way the wind's blowing."
They clasped hands tightly as they made their way back up the slippery garden path. James glanced at the window, but saw no further movement there. He hoped Robbie was right about how Lyn would react. He certainly didn't want to be the cause of friction between them.
As they stepped inside, she was there to greet them. Her eyes were most definitely red and moist, and she had a soppy grin on her face. She reached up and gave her dad a suffocating hug. Then she turned to James and gave him an equally ardent one. He couldn't decide if he was more embarrassed or relieved. He returned the embrace a bit self-consciously.
As she pulled away she wiped at her eyes and said, "You two must be chilled to the bone. Why don't you get the fire started and I'll put the kettle on. Jack will be up from his nap soon, so you can have some special time alone with him, Dad, which will give James and me a chance to have a nice chat. And maybe later his two granddads can help him build a snowman." She quickly brushed her hand across her eyes again as she turned and disappeared into the kitchen.
Robbie and James shared an amused look as they made their way into the sitting room. Robbie shook his head in apparent warning as he spoke. "Reckon you're in for it now, lad. You're about to find out what it's like to be sitting on the opposite side of the interrogation room table, and my daughter can be more relentless than any seasoned copper when she's got a bee in her bonnet. She'll have all sorts of questions she'll be wanting answers to, including when you plan to make an honest man of me."
James laughed at that. "Do you want to be made an honest man?" But as he thought about sitting opposite Lyn, answering question after question, he wondered if he mightn't be taking this too lightly. She was, after all, the daughter of one of the best interrogators James had ever known and the last thing James wanted was to be put in a position where he would be asked a lot of personal questions. His expression quickly changed from light-hearted to serious. "Do you really think I should be concerned?"
Robbie appeared to consider that carefully and he hesitated before he responded, but when he did, it was with a telling grin. "Nah, you're all right. But I guarantee you'll be needing a drink when you're finished."