Work Text:
I felt bad when I first sent them off
because they were just kids, and they needed someone
better than I was,
better than I could ever be.
My jacket was around Pony’s shoulders
and he was clutching to it like a life vest
Johnny's eyes were cold,
they reminded me of mine,
and that was the last time I ever wanted to see myself in him
I sent them off with a couple hundred bucks,
and some dry clothes,
I thought it was best
I wish I hadn’t.
I gave Johnny my heater, the loaded one,
he didn't even look scared.
I wished he had
It was hardest the next few days
I had to watch Soda cry,
I had to watch Darry pace the house.
He held his hands like they were weapons
Because they were.
Soda knew I knew something.
He sent me to wherever I was going with a sheet out of a composition notebook
and he looked at me so desperately that I took it
I never did get to see what that letter said
I drove up the next day to Windrixville, I had gotten my hands on
a car for the day and I walked up to the church
I half expected them to not be there, to not have made it
I was preparing myself for the drive home,
for the talk with Darry
But I walked in,
Johnny was smoking in the corner
Pony curled up, fast asleep next to him.
I drove them to Dairy Queen, bought them a burger.
They both stuffed themselves like they hadn’t eaten in weeks,
Johnny wanted to turn himself in
I almost snapped
Because turning himself in meant jail,
and Jail meant being like me
And he wasn't allowed to be like me.
We drove back to the church in silence.
It was on fire
Kids were inside. I could hear them screaming.
Screaming.
Pain.
Pony ran in, kid never learned selfishness when he needed to
I ran in after him, because I wasn't returning home
with the news that the youngest Curtis was dead
It felt like slow motion, when it happened
But all of a sudden the kids weren't screaming anymore,
And the screaming was much more familiar.