Chapter Text
———
Even before Nico disappeared, Leo was already feeling like shit.
They had been talking the night before in a desperate attempt to offer Nico any sense of comfort and Leo any sense of control; it had felt like trying to communicate with an angered lion who is unable to express its emotions in any form other than to attack.
Leo would be lying if he said he didn’t want to give up sometimes. Not because Nico wasn’t worth it, but because he has grown so tired of feeling like maybe he isn’t worth it to Nico. They talk and talk and try and try and nothing seems to help. Leo spent weeks planning extravagant dates for them outside of camp in a pathetic effort to get his boyfriend to smile. He had prayed to every god he could name to offer release from whatever demon seemed to have latched itself to Nico’s mind. But there isn’t a god of mental illness and Hermes has proven to be a useless shit.
Leo would be lying if he said this wasn’t starting to damage his own mental health as well. Watching Nico wrestle with an invisible illness that forces him to hide away in darkness for fear of seeing how good the world can be only makes Leo feel like maybe there is something to be desired in being completely overcome by his mind.
But he sits outside of Cabin 13 when Nico won’t let him come inside and he slides notes of encouragement underneath the door and his knuckles begin to callous after knocking and praying and begging and trying not to collapse into himself despite how good it would feel to give up.
So Leo isn’t surprised when Nico isn’t there that day. It doesn’t shock him when the door to the Hades cabin is left unlocked and he walks inside and sees Nico’s bed made for the first time in months and the room no longer smells like sorrow and wasted potential. The only thing that brings him any awe is the note left on his pillow, folded neatly into the shape of an origami bird Leo didn’t know Nico could create. He sits on the edge of the mattress and lifts the bird by its wing, carefully unfolding the pistachio-colored paper open into his palm.
I’m going away for a while. Don’t look for me.
I love you.
— N
What does surprise Leo is the fact that he even left a note, that he didn’t leave without saying goodbye, that he cared enough to let him know he wasn’t gone for good. But he still feels pressure in his chest and sobs swelling in his throat and he still crumbles the slip of paper in his hand and punches his clenched fist into the mattress at his side.
The note comes as a surprise but it still isn’t enough. Because he sat outside that door for days just to be there for him and he spent hours upon hours researching major depressive disorder and he made plans and spent money and brought him all of his meals. He put his life on hold the second things got worse and the only thing Nico brought himself to do was write Leo a meaningless note before he abandoned him.
Don’t look for me. What a useless attempt at placation, what a waste of space, a waste of four words. As if Nico didn’t know in the moments in which he wrote those words that Leo would take the months he spent tirelessly waiting at his side and sacrificing every resource for his benefit and double them in his attempt to find Nico. He must think so little of him if he really believed that Leo would read those words and not at least try.
Leo picks himself up from Nico’s bed and stuffs the slip of paper into his pocket. It is 6:30 am on a Sunday and he is so tired of everything, but he walks across the wooden floor so dark his black boots are nearly lost in its wake and allows sunlight to filter in through the door, sunlight that room hasn’t seen in too long.
He doesn’t tell anybody that he’s leaving, doesn’t possess that single drop of decency Nico had when he wrote that note for him. He only takes the time to pack a feeble bag of necessities and hops onto Festus’ back before it even reaches 7:00 am.
He doesn’t know what time Nico left. He doesn’t know where to start or how to start or what being without Nico, even in the state he’s been in, looks like. But he takes a breath and leans forward, not even bothering to force a smile onto his face.
“Alright, buddy,” he whispers into Festus’ ear. “Let’s go find my stupid fucking boyfriend.”