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John watched as Kaidan hurried around the room, balancing bottles on a tray. Later, he watched as Kaidan, Liara and James argued about biotic versus physical strength. He watched as Kaidan sat down with a couple of other party guests. And he watched him again as he went to the bar to pick up some snacks.
Kaidan had passed him a few times. Winked on some occasion or simply smiled. He had never stopped though. And a part of John was thankful for that.
They had never talked about it. But as per some unspoken agreement between them they simply kept apart while others were around. It was silly. Ridiculous even. After all, John trusted everyone gathered for their little shore leave party with his life.
But still. He could not speak for Kaidan, but John himself was afraid that a public display of affection, an admittance of their relationship to the others, would tip something in the fragile balance and peace aboard his ship. Maybe Kaidan felt the same.
And ever since they had had their sanity check, they always stood a bit apart. When entering the Normandy or a room together, they kept a safe amount of distance between them. Sat apart in the Shuttle, although as so often, all John wanted to do after a mission was to curl up against Kaidan and just breathe. Calm his racing and aching heart. Sometimes he was not sure if Kaidan was waiting for him to do just that. If he wanted to give John the room he needed to sort out his feelings. Towards Kaidan. Towards his crew.
John never did what his heart told him to do. It was only when he was sure they were alone that John let his guard down. Guard was the best word to describe it. Maybe he was too afraid that others would see the small cracks and fissures in their commander. Maybe he was too afraid they would see him as weak.
It was only with Kaidan that he allowed himself to be, well, not Commander Shepard, but simply John, the once-dead, now resurrected, half-cybernetic, half-human man with the bad dreams and sagging shoulders.
He owed so much to Kaidan. The other man had put him back together on countless occasions. They had been through so much together. They had to almost die before they could admit their feelings. Or, in John’s case, literally die.
John tried to chase away the dark thoughts of Kaidan lying unconscious in the sick bay. One more nightmare that would never leave. He refused to be haunted by it right now.
Kaidan was standing right there. In front of the fireplace watching the flames. He was talking to Samantha. She left to cause trouble somewhere else. Kaidan’s brow was slightly furrowed. He seemed deep in thought. John watched as he slowly chewed on his lower lip. A habit he noticed Kaidan fall into when concentrating.
And Kaidan deserved better. So much better. He should not be standing there alone. Weren’t couples supposed to have fun together at a party? If only John could gather up the courage to go over to him right now.
“If you keep standing there like this, I’ll drag you over to him myself.”
John could not help flinching as he was abruptly pulled out of his own spiral of thoughts. The one that always went downwards, never up. In the corner of his eyes, he saw Joker come up beside him.
“They say I’m bad with people, but you are something else.” Joker pressed a bottle into John’s hands. “Here. Maybe this will get you moving. I recommend downing it in one go.”
“Very thoughtful of you.” John eyed the bottle skeptically. The beverage sported batarian script and was on the stronger side.
A few moments of silence followed, interrupted only by a crash from above followed by at least three hurried assertions that “nothing happened”.
“So, how long do you plan to stand here and stare at your boyfriend? Cuz that sounds like the opposite of a good time.” Joker took a swig from his bottle.
“Joker, please.” John turned around annoyed and sat down on one of the high bar stools. Joker followed him and climbed his own stool with effort.
Joker knew. He had all but applauded them when they returned from their little date on the Citadel. Later Kaidan had admitted that he had spoken to Joker beforehand, unsure whether he should even risk asking his Commander out. John had teased Kaidan that of all the people he had talked to Joker. But Kaidan had shrugged it off. “Joker knows you best of all. He was with us from the start. And you know he’s more observant and concerned about you than he would ever let anyone know. He all but pushed me out the airlock that day.” John would have loved to have listened in on that conversation.
“I mean that I don’t understand why you two act so weirdly all the time,” Joker continued a little under his breath. “You are so dead set on keeping apart that you are sparking more rumors than putting out.”
“What do you mean?” John raised an eyebrow.
“Just, you know, people wondering if you two are either hating each other or wanting to, you know…” Joker took another gulp. “And one day I will tell everyone it’s the latter. And that you’re already doing it. Can’t stand this look on your face any longer.”
John looked down on his bottle. The smell was enough to make him slightly nauseous. He could not stand alcohol.
“Listen, Shepard, no one here will think any less of you for being… human, normal. Do you really want to let this one day of shore leave pass by being miserable? If you are worried about your crew. Your friends, actually…” Joker gestured around. “Hell, Jack is table dancing over there and Prothy is sitting in the shower. Drunk. And no, he is not dressed. Just marveling at primitive plumbing or… something. I’d disinfect tomorrow. Or simply tear it down.”
In the corner of his eyes John saw Kaidan turn. He looked up and was rewarded with a bright smile. It tugged at his heart. Another loud noise of glass shattering made Kaidan wince and look up with worry. He shook his head and lowered his gaze, locking eyes with John one more time for a split second.
“I rest my case.” Joker emptied his bottle and slowly descended from the bar stool. “You are hopeless. And an idiot. Commander.” He left John, hobbling back to the sitting area where Miranda was in a heated conversation with Samara. Well, if that conversation escalated, they at least wouldn’t have anything left to worry about.
Yeah, he was an idiot. The original idiot. His heart was racing. And aching. Aching to be close to Kaidan. Aching to let the other man know how much he meant to him. That he loved him.
To hell with it all.
He stood up and walked over.
Kaidan was already back chasing his thoughts and did not immediately notice John.
Taking one deep breath for courage John closed the gap between them and took Kaidan’s hand. They stood so close their legs brushed against each other.
Surprised Kaidan glanced up. He did not move away. Did not take his hand back.
“What are you doing?” His smile was genuine. But his eyes looked at him quizzically, as if trying to understand what John was up to.
“I’m…,” John had to take another deep breath. “I love you, Kaidan. And I am done hiding. If anyone takes offense, they can add this to the long list of infractions and minor to severe war crimes I committed.”
Kaidan’s bright smile was the best reward John could have hoped for. And he took John’s other hand, toying with their fingers for a bit. “Are you sure about this?”
“No,” John huffed a desperate laugh. “I am scared. Of everything. I’d rather go close up with a Reaper again. But I want… no. I need you at my side. And you deserve... You deserve so much more than I can ever give you.”
“Hey, shhh.” Kaidan circled his thumb soothingly over John’s palm. “It’s ok. And you do not need to do this. You know I am good with however you want to keep going.”
“No,” John raised his gaze to the ceiling for another rasping breath. “No, this is right. Us. Being together. And, damn, I don’t even know what to say. Or how to say what I... what I feel.”
Kaidan’s expression softened, and he gave John’s hands a tight squeeze. “You do not need to say anything. The one thing I always tell you. No need for words. If you just want to stand here and lean onto me, I’ll be more than happy to do just that.” He tugged John’s hand a bit, inviting him to do what he just proposed.
Kaidan had been John’s pillar so many times before. And John was tempted to give in and lean unto him until his racing heart calmed down. He had something else in mind though.
Smiling a little sheepishly he looked back at Kaidan. “Actually, I would rather... well, could I kiss you?”
“Going all in, huh?” Kaidan laughed, suddenly appearing a bit nervous as well.
“Yeah,” John huffed a desperate laugh. “And I haven’t even drunk one bit of alcohol. But neither have you, from what I have seen.”
“Nah, you know. I would just end up regretting it two times as much as anyone else here.” Only a half truth, John knew. Kaidan had probably been keeping close watch over John as well. Ensuring the other man was fine.
“So, what do you think? Could I kiss you?” John felt his fluttering nerves rapidly failing. He wasn’t sure if anyone had already noticed them standing like this. Hands interlocked. Closer than any friends ever would. He did not dare to look up and check. He did not want to break away from Kaidan’s soft eyes. The warm brown that always drew him in and somehow reassured him every time that most things, never all, but most things, would be ok. He found strength and courage in them.
“No need to ask,” Kaidan replied in a whisper and tugged again on John’s hand, inviting him closer still.
And without another thought John complied. Leaning in, he cocked his head a bit. And slowly his lips met Kaidan’s. Sparks were running through his whole body instantly. Like they had the first time. Like they had ever since. Kaidan called them butterflies. For him it was sparks. Electricity. Little flares. But in the best sense of the word. As in exciting. Tingling. And longing. Always such a deep longing that he felt he could never satisfy, even with Kaidan close to him.
Their kiss was soft, lips barely interlocked. John liked it that way. Starting slowly, savoring every second of it.
Today he got two seconds. Two seconds before the hooting and cheering and... applauding started. He flinched, would have withdrawn immediately, but found himself locked in place by two strong arms that seemed to have anticipated both, the reaction from their friends and John’s own. In another split second Kaidan took over the kiss. Pressing his lips more firmly onto John’s, he pulled John’s attention away from the noise, drowning it out in even more sparks and flares that were shooting through his spine.
John forgot everything else. The people around them were just background noise now. He opened his lips slightly, inviting Kaidan to come just a bit closer. Kiss him just a bit more.
And Kaidan did happily, holding John tightly, not because the latter would have broken away, but because he needed the support, the feeling of being sheltered and protected. John could trust Kaidan to always know what he needed.
And to know what he was doing. John let himself be guided by Kaidan, even as he slowly drew the kiss to an end. A little breathless they both remained standing close. The warm air of Kaidan's breath brushing over his sensitive lips. Their embrace broken, but their hands still interlocked. John’s heart continued to beat fast, but content.
Slowly the noise crept back into his consciousness. If anything, he should turn around, face them. Answer some of their reactions with a comment of his own. But he found that he could not. He wanted, no, needed people to understand how important this was for him. Not just a party game. Not just a fling, a heat-of-the-battle affair.
So, he leaned onto Kaidan again. Pressing his head into the nape of the other man’s neck. He felt Kaidan’s arms wrap around him once more. Shielding him. Protecting him. Promising him so much.
A husky voice that could only belong to Garrus broke through the continuous cheers of the others. “All right, show’s over. Let’s get back to the important stuff. Which in my case is drinking.” Laughter followed. He could feel Kaidan motion something to someone. Waving people off? John found he did not care. But he did notice that Kaidan had been more ready for this than he had been. Probably waiting for John to do the first step in public for a long time. And yet, he had never once complained, never once pushed John into this.
John marveled at how lucky he was. How even admits all the chaos, ruin and death, something, one thing at least, made sense. He breathed in deeply, dwelling in the scent of his partner. He always smelled ever so slightly sweeter at the base of his neck. John sometimes wondered why.
They stood like this for a long time. And Kaidan seemed to be doing a good job at keeping everyone at bay. John felt the occasional shift or move of an arm. The slight shake of the head above him.
The music continued, the cheering now directed at something else. John took another long breath and detangled himself from Kaidan. Smiling slightly. Blinking rapidly. He hoped no one would notice how moist his eyes were. No one except Kaidan, of course, who looked at him worriedly.
“You ok?” He cupped John’s cheek in his hand, his thumb gently erasing any proof of residue tears.
“Yeah,” John was able to rasp out. “I’m good.” Kaidan looked less than convinced, but he dropped his hand.
“Wanna hit the bar?”
John turned around for the first time. Only a few glances were directed at them. Most people were occupied by dancing or standing in little groups to chat. He noticed Joker sitting with Steve and James. Tali was leaning at a wall close to the group, listening intently. Joker noticed him looking over and gave a mock salute.
“Let’s go over to them?” His smile was coming more easily now. He nodded towards the little group. James had noticed them as well and was making room for them on the couch.
Kaidan grinned. “Gladly.”
He took John’s hand as they walked over. Hand in hand. Almost like a normal couple. Almost like normal times. Almost like everything would be fine.
They sat down and Joker, thankfully, picked up the prior conversation again instantly, teasing Steve about his own superior flight skills.
Another round of drinks was passed around. John declined the alcoholic ones again. Kaidan finally settled for a beer though.
Overall things were starting to calm down. Tiredness and in some cases drunkenness taking over. The music was lowered, and the overall mood turned more towards conversation and less... whatever had happened upstairs earlier. John was not looking to find out any time soon.
He watched as Glyph hurried around checking on the number of beverages left. This stupid drone. Thanks to it they would have nearly blown the whole clone business. He winced just thinking back. Well, that was something that needed processing still.
“You good?” Kaidan had noticed him tensing up.
“Sorry, yeah, I was just thinking.” John eyed Glyph as it cut a corner. “Liara?” He had seen her close by just a minute ago and sure enough, there she was. He would have never imagined an asari could look so tired. He suppressed a smile.
“You said Glyph specializes in archiving, right?”
“Yes, it is effectively an archive drone, programmed to store and access information. Not combat...”
John waved with his hand to stop her from going on another explanation spree about why Glyph had been no help a few days earlier. He knew Tali was still teasing her about it. And that Liara’s dry way of simply explaining again and again triggered even more teasing.
“That’s perfect then, Liara.” He grinned at Kaidan and stood up. “Everyone? Hey, how about we take a picture. Something to remember this night.”
His proposal was met with eager shouts and a krogan charging through the room. “I’ll be in front.” Grunt was already in position at the couch, but quickly bullied towards the back where Wrex also grudgingly took position.
They left room in the middle of the couch for him. For him and Kaidan. They both took their places, slightly apart, while Liara was hurriedly trying to program Glyph. John was sure he noticed her blush, probably afraid that the drone would mess up her final chance to redeem her programming skills in front of the crew.
John almost walked over to help. But she finished quickly enough and took her position. To his left Joker shot him a daunting glance, before looking straight ahead, adjusting his cap one more time.
There was no more hiding. If one thing, John wanted them to be remembered as they were. He extended his arm and wrapped it around Kaidan’s shoulders, pulling the other man close. A second later they heard the familiar click of a camera shutter.