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They say the first fight is always the worst one.
Well, perhaps from an objective viewpoint that wasn’t true. It was nothing more than a squabble, really, there wasn’t even a door slammed, not even a day where they were on bad terms. Just a little awkwardness for about a week and then an inevitable blow up. But the proverb about fight’s being the worst isn’t all that objective, and to Dream and Evan, it was practically a complicated divorce. Evan, after all, had never had anyone to fight with (that was, verbally, and not in the back of a gas station with his bare hands) and Dream had never had a boyfriend shouting at her. Suffice to say both of them felt horrible, especially since it had been going on for some fifteen minutes and showed no signs of stopping.
Dream chased after Evan as he stormed across the campus back towards his room, pointedly ignoring her. “I don’t think of you as a fictional character, Evan, I was just saying that I think that someone who’s been through something is generally more… deep than the average person, and I like that about you!”
He scoffed, and shook his head, furious. He didn’t say anything. Walking faster, he forced Dream to jog behind him.
“What, I’m not allowed to like anything about you but what’s quote-unquote ‘normal’, how is that fair to me?! You’re a complicated person, Evan, I can’t just pretend you’re some… frat boy! Do you want me to pretend that none if it ever happened, that you were still possessed?!”
Having come to his room, he spun around to face her. “I think you liked me better when I was possessed!” he accused.
“How could you say that?!” Dream shrieked, “Evan, I’ve done nothing but support you in all of this, I wanted you to get the procedure!”
“You literally spent the whole first part of me knowing you trying to convince me to just ‘accept the way I am’, when there was a demon inside me!” he shouted back.
“Oh, you’re gonna hold that against me?!”
He gestured harshly, right over her shoulder. “I don’t know, Dream, maybe it seems like you still feel that way! Maybe I don’t like you calling me ‘dark’ and ‘different’ and ‘hurt’ all the time, it doesn’t feel good!”
Dream crossed her arms. “Okay, first of all, I don’t do it all the time, second, maybe y-you… being so normal makes me look like some basic… girl!”
His eyes went wide at this, gesturing to his chest. “How is that my problem?!” he demanded, his voice going high pitched.
“W-well, I don’t know, maybe I don’t wanna date a normal guy!”
Dream regretted it the moment it slipped out, but it was too late. Already Evan had taken the blow like a punch to the face, and swayed back, hurt. He nodded, and swallowed. Dream immediately scrambled, reaching out a hand to him. “No, Evan, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean it.”
“Nope,” he said gently, “No, I get it. Hey, possessed guy’s pretty interesting, doesn’t have much to offer now that he’s so ‘normal’, does he?”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Evan!” she plead, her hand falling onto his chest as he turned to the door.
“I’m done. I’m done, I have to go.” He pulled away from her and slipped out the door. Dream took a few steps closer to him, tears forming in her eyes. She called after him, his name, just once, then let him go.
Dream found him with his head buried in his hands on the bleachers outside the Scuppers field, his jet black hair spilling out over his arms. She walked up to him slowly, but the bleachers creaked. He heard her and looked up. When he saw her, he clenched his teeth, and looked away. When she spoke, it was with her sweet voice, light, lovely, the one she only used around him. “Evan…?” she asked. He didn’t answer. “Evan, I wanted to say that, um… I’m really sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I love that you’re not possessed anymore, you’ve been so much happier and… and I just love to see you happy! Are we… are we okay?”
He swallowed. One look at her gave permission for her to sit down next to him, which she promptly did, scanning him for any subtle expression. Weakly, he shrugged. “I don’t know,” he admitted, “Dream?”
“Yes.”
“Did you like me better when I was possessed?”
She paused. She bit her cheek, then began, “I-”
“Be honest,” he cut her off, “Please.”
Dream sighed. She looked out onto the field for a few minutes, scanning her mind for the answer. She compared the two versions of him in her mind. One was dark, gothic and attractive, in a lot of pain, to be certain, uncomfortable, uneasy, angry. Appealing, certainly, to a childish part of her. She was still reminded of the dark form he took, his black eyes and his sallow skin. A long-standing fantasy of hers, down to the details. But then, she pictured Evan as he was now. Sweet. Warm. And that smile… she swooned at the thought of it. Hot, too, arguably hotter without the demon, with his newfound confidence, with the warm touch of his hand. He’d gotten tanner, less pale, put on some weight, his hair had gotten fuller. Even his eyes seemed brighter. Sometimes he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her middle and she thought that it was just, everything. So she answered him.
“No.” She looked him in the eyes. Then she looked down, and shook her head, and it was Evan’s turn to read her every expression. “No, I… I think you’re wonderful like this.”
Hopelessly, Evan shook his head. “Then why do you want me to be different all the time?”
Dream sighed. “I… I do like you as you are now, Evan. I do. A lot. But… I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little… I don’t know… weird about it.”
“What do you mean ‘weird about it’?”
“I don’t know!” she answered defensively. Then, more calmly, she repeated, “I… I don’t know.” With a sharp breath, she strained to put it into words. “When we’re alone I feel… great! But then, people see us in public, or, you’re gone and I’m thinking about this thing that we have together, and something about it just feels… wrong.”
At this tone of talk, a spark of anxiety lit in Evan’s face. “Well… whatever it is, I’ll fix it, I’m sure I can make it better, somehow…”
“No, Evan, it’s not something you’re doing, you’re… you’re perfect,” she said, “I just… I…” Tears welled up in her eyes, “I don’t know if I can be your girlfriend anymore.”
The light was sucked out of his eyes. “Are you…” he asked cautiously, “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I… I think so,” she said, but shook her head, “But I don’t want to be! I’m just so confused, Evan, I don’t understand what’s wrong with me!” Her head fell into her hands. Slowly, he scooted closer to her, and began to rub slow circles into her back.
“Hey,” he said softly, “Look, whatever happens… I love you, and I want you to be happy. And whatever’s going on, we… we can figure it out, okay?” Head still in her hands, she nodded. “What… mm… Are there any specifics, anything that feels especially… wrong, have you noticed?”
She sniffed, lifting her head. “Um… I guess it’s… I guess it’s when you… call me your girlfriend or whatever. Or when other people say I’m your girlfriend, I guess.”
He nodded, taking that in. “Well…” he said carefully, “If it’s a problem with labels, I don’t have any problem changing them, I can… I can call you anything you want me to. And I can make them call you anything you want them to, and if they don’t do it they’re gonna… they’re gonna catch these hands.”
“Well, um… I don’t know. Do you want to maybe… try something else?” she held herself tight around the arms.
“Okay,” Evan agreed, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “How about, um… partner?”
The word hit something in her chest. Slowly her posture began to grow taller, a bit more open, as she tilted her head a little more towards him. “Yeah,” she said, “Yeah. Can you do it again, in a sentence?”
He nodded. “Okay. This is my partner, and her name is Dream.”
She waited, feeling it sink in, and then shook her head.
“Alright, um, we could do… This is my partner, and his name is Dream.”
She bit her lip. Considered it. And then, another shake of her head.
“Then, we can do, this is my partner, and their name is Dream.”
Unable to control themself, they grinned up at him. “That’s it!” they exclaimed. But in half a second the delight was replaced by fear, and the smile fell off her face. “I mean, it- it sounded okay, I guess, I mean, it was just… just kind of normal, if I wanted to try something new, but most of the time, I’m obviously… I’m obviously a girl.” Quickly, she turned away in shame. Evan was staring at her, that brilliance in his eyes.
“Dream… If you’re... Hm…” He considered for a moment how to word what he wanted to say, “Dream, I think that you are… so gorgeous, and I am… in this moment, so afraid of you breaking up with me that… If you want to talk about gender identity or change your labels I am… so completely down with that! Like if that means that I get to keep being with you and stuff then I am… I am just so about it, you know that, right?”
They turned to him, a sweet look in their eyes. “Really?” she asked softly, “Even if I… wear pink dresses and like glitter and everything?”
He shrugged. “Gender identity and gender presentation are completely different things and if your gender identity is different than what I previously thought, then it doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still exactly who you are.” He shook his head, hunching his shoulders. “And… to be honest, I’ve always felt like you were kind of different from other girls. I just thought maybe it was ‘cause you were really cool but, like, maybe it’s this.”
Dream grinned at him, and then leaned into his chest, looking dreamily into his eyes. They sighed wistfully. “You’re such a good boyfriend,” they sighed.
Evan blushed, and shrugged again, pulling them closer. “Well, you’re like, a perfect partner, so…”
They leaned up, and kissed him gently on the lips, then nestled back into his chest. Evan sighed in relief and shut his eyes, leaning into them.