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1 Month Since The Betrayal
It was ringing again. Again. Again. Again. The phone buzzed incessantly against the counter in front of Dazai.
He screwed his eyes shut and tried to cover his ears to block out the sound. His head was pounding, but he refused to put the phone on silent. Even if he never picked up he didn't want to miss a single call. Really, he should have gotten rid of the phone as soon as he had left his old apartment, but he couldn't make himself do it. He had calculated that Mori was unlikely to come after him and the only other person who would be likely to search for him was on the other end of the phone. This was the tenth call this week and it was only Tuesday.
He had left, what? A month ago now? It seemed like it was only yesterday.
The contact name "Slug" continued to flash on the screen. Eventually, the device ceased making noise and a notification for a new voicemail popped up on the lock screen. Dazai listened to every one that was left for him. Most consisted of incoherent yelling, cursing him out for leaving. He tended to call when drunk which, with the amount of calls he usually got from this number, was worrying in and of itself. The messages had started off worried; asking where he was, if he was alright, when he thought he'd be back. But about a week in they had changed. It was obvious that someone — likely Mori — had told him that Dazai had left. Permanently. That was when the voicemails had gotten angry.
They cursed him out, told him 'good riddance,' or 'so glad I don't have to see your sorry face anymore.' It was exactly how Dazai expected Chuuya to react to his betrayal. To be angry and unforgiving. Dazai knew Chuuya hated him to his core for constantly manipulating him and being an altogether awful person. So, Dazai didn't feel much listening to those messages. They were within his expectations, he got through them with only a slight twinge of pain.
The worst ones were the late night messages. The times when Chuuya had definitely had a few too many glasses of the wine he so loved. That was when he got teary. He tried to bargain, plead with him to come back. They always ended with a sigh and a 'hope I'll see you around.' He was glad they were rare. They left Dazai's eyes a little too wet for his liking and created a gaping wound in his chest.
He could at least admit it to himself now. He missed Chuuya. A lot. He had honestly thought that he hated his partner. Found his humanity unnerving to look at. He was coming to the realisation that he was wrong about that. That Chuuya's humanity was what made him so much fun to poke fun at, his reactions were always so large and full of life— his exact opposite. Chuuya had really been his only equal within the Port Mafia. They had nearly equal amounts of power over one another and that's what allowed them to work so well together. Dazai would have usually been able to manipulate him and Chuuya would practically always win in a physical fight. Mori would have been the next closest to his level but Dazai did not want to be his equal.
He wasn't sure what to do about this feeling. He couldn't go see Chuuya; couldn't risk compromising himself. He knew Mori would do nearly anything to have him back and that included manipulating Chuuya. The slurred messages were definitely just Chuuya, but the sober ones? Dazai wasn't so sure. Mori had always been an expert at pulling strings.
Dazai wouldn't even speak to Chuuya. He was out . He didn't know what that meant for him, yet. He didn't feel any different, but Odasaku's words were still fresh in his memory. He was going to find a way to help people. It isnt likely that this course of action would do anything to fill the endless void he felt inside himself, but it wouldn't hurt to at least try.
6 Months Since The Betrayal
Chuuya's messages had changed again. He only called once a day now and they had become much less angry. He usually spoke in soft tones about nothing; what he did that day, his mission, what he ate. They were almost worse than the tearful, agonizing ones he used to receive— the last time one of those had happened was over a month ago. The intimacy of Chuuya's voice allowed Dazai to imagine the two of them holed up in one of their bedrooms, huddled together underneath the comforter even though that's something that they had never done. Of course there had been glances, some lingering touches, but they had never crossed that line. In a way Dazai was glad that they never did. That would have made everything so much harder. He was unsure if he would still be able to resist the pull of Chuuya's voice if they had fully sunk their teeth into each other.
For now, he could settle for this. Chuuya's voice coming through the phone speaker telling him about the lovely steak he had for dinner today. How he hoped Dazai was eating. It brought a sad smile to Dazai's face because of course he wasn't. Not properly at least. He had eaten yesterday, but it was only a bit of canned crab and it had tasted like dirt.
Chuuya slurred his words slightly, amusing Dazai. This was one of the rare times when he got drunk and didn't just become a mopey mess. Instead he was jubilant and excitable. These messages often included thrilling battles and Chuuya spoke like he had just come off an adrenaline high. Usually he quieted down as the message went on, became more serious.
Dazai rested his head on the table in front of him. These messages tended to be long. He had started to save them externally as his voicemail's inbox had become full. He couldn't bear to delete a single one. They had become precious to him. Especially now, when he could barely leave the house he was staying in. He didn't get much human interaction anymore, which was usually fine, but some days it was hard. Lonely.
Chuuya's daily messages filled a void in his life. Allowed for glimpses of the outside world. Even if the glimpses were of brutal battles and local grocery stores.
Dazai wished the speakers on his phone were better quality. Wished Chuuya's voice came through clearly rather than tinny. But it was enough. It was enough to hear his voice even if it was just for ten or fifteen minutes a day. Even though he had gotten used to hearing his voice all the time, the two of them constantly side by side. It was enough. It had to be because there was no other option.
Chuuya's voice was still drifting through the speakers as he closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against the cool countertop. It didn't take long before Chuuya brought him to sleep.
Dazai woke up to a silent, pitch black room and an awful crick in his neck. His phone was now pressed against his face and had left him with a rectangular imprint on his cheek. He chastised himself for falling asleep in such a vulnerable place, but recently the only sleep he was getting was to Chuuya's voice.
He rubbed his eyes while picking up his phone. He had slept for about three hours which was significantly more than what he usually got in a night. Most evenings he would lay on his futon, staring up at the dark ceiling until the room began to once more fill with light and birdsong played from outside the window.
He went back into his voicemail so he could begin playing Chuuya's latest message once more. He wanted to save it just like all the others. He pressed the most recent and played it, but it wasn't the right one. Dazai frowned down at his phone and searched through the other voicemails.
Where was it?
Where was it?
Where was it?
Where was it?
He couldn't find it. He couldn't find it. His breathing picked up and his eyes began to sting. It was gone . He choked on a sob. Fuck, he was so stupid stupid stupid. He must have pressed the wrong button when he fell asleep on his phone and now Chuuya's message was gone forever.
Dazai dropped the phone out of his hand and immediately regretted it as it clattered to the table. He scrambled to pick it back up and held it to his chest.
"I'm sorry." He choked out.
1 Year Since The Betrayal
Today was a bad day. Dazai wasn't even sure what time it was, but he was pretty sure the sun had risen and set a few times. So, maybe a bad few days.
His eyes found the date displayed on his phone. Today was exactly one year since he had left, he realized. Ah, that made sense then. This had probably started on the anniversary of Oda's death. Dazai tried to huddle further into his blankets. It was late Spring so it should have been a comfortable temperature, but Dazai felt as though he were frozen to the core.
He hadn't eaten for a number of days as well, but he couldn't feel any hunger pains. Even just the thought of food made him feel sick. A glass of water was on the floor next to him, but it was probably a few days old. He couldn't imagine walking all the way to the kitchen right now. Even just the five steps to his bathroom sometimes felt like five too many.
Dazai was somewhat glad that he didn't have anyone to check in on him. Nobody needed to see the sorry state he was currently in. Not that he hadn't had days like this before, but back then he would have made up some excuse that he was sick. Say he had a weak immune system. He made it convincing, trying to show that the issue was a physical one rather than mental. It wouldn't do to have the brains of Double Black have problems with his head.
Chuuya had always brought him food when he was like that. Food that was ready to go; that didn't have to be refrigerated or heated up. Even if it was just crackers he knew it was better than nothing. Now, though, he had to eventually figure out how to get through these episodes himself.
But today he just wanted to wallow in it. Let that emptiness consume him and dissociate out of his head for a little while.
Bzzz.
He wouldn't even know how to go about breaking out of this malaise by himself.
Bzzz.
He shivered.
Bzzzz.
He…
Bzzzzz.
That was… his phone? He came back into himself with sudden clarity. Dazai slowly reached a hand outside of his mound of blankets feeling like he was reaching into a frozen tundra. He wrapped his fingers around his phone and pulled it back into the safety of his futon.
"Slug" flashed on the screen.
He waited for the call to end, intently staring at his phone the entire time. Finally, the new message icon popped up and he immediately opened it to listen.
He didn't fall asleep to Chuuya's messages anymore— not after last time. The message that he'll never get to hear again. He slept even less now, but that was fine. He could manage, he is managing.
Especially now when he didn't get nearly as many messages as he used to. Now he only calls about once a month. As a result, the messages were often longer, but it seemed like Chuuya just seemed tired .
It had only happened once, but there was a message where Chuuya had talked for maybe two minutes, sighed, and then just hung up. Listening to that one had left a monster of anxiety clawing at Dazai's chest for days after. It didn't even fully go away until Chuuya had called again a little sooner than usual and left his regular length message.
He had to really savour these calls now, as they got sparser. He supposed he couldn't really blame Chuuya. He had taken out large chunks of his day to yell at him when he first started calling. He was probably super busy now that Dazai had left an executive seat open. He heard that the seat was still vacant so that likely added up to extra work for Chuuya. That must be why he sounds so tired so often.
Dazai realised that his mind had started to drift again and he tried to reign himself back in. He hadn't even been listening to Chuuya's message and he chastised himself for not paying attention. It was only once a month now and he couldnt focus for five fucking minutes. What was wrong with him? He couldn't even complete one simple task. He was so useless. This should be important to him and he can't even just lay there and listen to a message from his… his…
Dazai stared at his phone. He didn't know what to call Chuuya. His partner? His best friend? They didn't seem quite right… His ex-partner, he supposed. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he figured he deserved the awful way the prefix made him feel. He was the one who left, after all.
He prepared to play the message again. Thoughts whirling around in his head as he tried to focus. He tried closing his eyes, but that made him panic, too scared to accidentally fall asleep and repeat his past mistake. He settled on taking deep, slow breaths while counting his inhales and exhales in his head.
It was something Oda had shown him to do during a time that seemed like so long ago. Dazai couldn't remember exactly what had happened, but one second he was fine then the next he had been panicking. Oda had gently pressed one of Dazai's hands to his chest and breathed slowly.
'Count with me,' he had said and Dazai did. Dazai could feel the rise and fall of Oda's chest with each inhale and exhale and that made it easier to match his breathing. It had calmed him down eventually, but now he had to learn to do it without Oda. Forever. Like Oda had said, this wasn't something that Dazai would be able to fix about himself. He'd have to live with it.
Dazai's eyes pricked with tears. I wish you were here. But he wasn't. Instead, all he would be able to have right now is Chuuya's message.
He pressed play, finally actually able to listen to what Chuuya was saying. He rambled on about something stupid that one of his team members had done. How the Boss was being a pain in the ass recently. How the liquor store was out of his favourite wine for the foreseeable future. How he missed him.
Dazai's eyes widened and his heart stuck in his throat. He was glad he had replayed the message and focused in or else he may have never heard that confession from Chuuya. He pressed his forehead to the phone and the automated voice asked him if he'd like to keep the message. Without hesitation he hit the save button.
He sucked in a breath as his shoulders shook. He hadn't actually cried since Oda's death, but now he found himself unable to stop. Tears flowed uncontrollably down his face, but he burrowed further into his bed with a smile.
1 Year 6 Months Since The Betrayal
"Hey, Dazai… Osamu. I can't do this anymore. Waiting around for you. I hope you'll call me back, but this is the last message. See ya… or maybe not."
Dazai nearly snapped the phone in his grip. He didn't call back.
1 Year 10 Months Since the Betrayal
Chuuya had stuck to his word. He hadn't called in three months and Dazai itched with the need to hear his voice again. He had been relistening to the old messages and that had helped for a while, but at this point he'd listened to each one at least twice. It wasn't the same as hearing a new message, hearing new inflections in his voice, learning about his current life. The old messages just didn't hold up.
He had contemplated calling him back more than a few times. It had always been in the back of his mind. Until one day, a bad one, he had finally caved. About two weeks ago, he had been feeling empty and useless and just couldn't deal with it. It felt like he needed some sort of lifeline. He had tried to commit suicide a few times since he left, but not ever too seriously with Oda's words still rattling around inside his head. But that day, that day had been bad. It had probably been the closest he had been to actually taking his life for some time. It had scared him.
So, he called. The phone hadn't even rung once before a disconnected voice was telling him, " this number is no longer in service." He had waited too long. Chuuya had obviously given his ultimatum with an invisible timeline and Dazai had exceeded it. Dazai was left to deal with his own mistakes. If he hadn't been a coward and just called him immediately he could still be hearing Chuuya's voice on a regular basis.
He remembered being despondent, unable to do anything but stare at his phone as the dial tone got louder and louder. He didn't really know how long he had sat there for, the minutes ticking by. Too many thoughts were swirling around in his head and he wasn't able to fish one out of the sea in any tangible way.
He couldn't…
This wasn't…
Chuuya had finally given up on him. And the blame for that rested solely on Dazai. There was no getting around that. No deflecting it. His fault.
He didn't have a new number to reach Chuuya at. Nor did he have the means to find out what it had changed to. Right now, he was on his own. He wasn't sure if he would try to call Chuuya again even if he could. The scar that came from not succeeding the first time still threatened to reopen at any moment. If a robotic voice once again told him that Chuuya was inaccessible, he didn't know how he would take it.
By the time he left his last message Dazai knew that Chuuya wouldn't have told Mori about him if Dazai had called him back. Not after what he had said in some of those messages. Or even just what he had said in his final message. Chuuya had called him for over a year about things that had nothing to do with the Port Mafia. Things that had everything to do with the Port Mafia. Things that the Boss would not want Dazai to know. If this had been some kind of ploy by Mori, he would not have allowed Chuuya to share any information about the mafia with Dazai no matter how insignificant.
Chuuya had shared his life with him, more so than he ever had when they were side by side. Dazai guessed that Chuuya had been using the messages as a way to vent his general anger and frustrations. The lack of response probably made it easy to talk about everything. But, in the end, he had still chosen Dazai to call. It was unbelievably dangerous waters that Chuuya was treading and yet he had held his head above water for so long.
That last message still lingered in Dazai's mind. Chuuya had sounded so defeated. His normal fight was just gone.
Now Chuuya was lost to him, maybe forever. Dazai clung onto the soft words Chuuya had shared with him. His "I miss you."
He wondered if Chuuya even thought that he listened to all of the messages or if he believed there was no one on the other end to receive his words. Dazai hoped that the fact he never disconnected the number was indication enough for Chuuya that he was here listening.
Dazai sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen. At least he had been eating recently. After nearly two years living in hiding, he was getting more comfortable leaving the house. It had helped him a lot. To be able to get outside regularly. It allowed him to escape his head sometimes, so long as it wasn't a day where he was feeling too paranoid to relax.
He tapped his fingers against the counter, his head leaning on his fist. He had begun to feel restless lately. The days were too monotonous and he wished for something to stimulate his mind. Something where he could finally put Oda's advice into practice. Somewhere—
His phone was going off in the next room. It wasn't the quiet vibration he had set to Chuuya's number. Instead, it was full on ringing. Nobody should have that number anymore. The only person… who'd have it… is…
Dazai scrambled out of his seat and nearly ran to the next room. His phone sat next to his bed charging. He nearly pulled the cord from the wall when he grabbed the device. The caller I.D. flashed an unknown number at him. What if—
He accepted the call.
"Hello?" He spoke breathlessly into the receiver.
"...Dazai." Dazai's heart shattered. He had gotten his hopes up for nothing. He should have known that Chuuya wouldn't contact him again. He wasn't the type to go back on his word for something like that. He would never hear Chuuya's voice again. He had messed up so badly.
Dazai could feel himself spiraling, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. It felt like he was standing at the bottom of a deep well staring up at a small glimpse of the sky as it seemed to get farther and farther away.
"Dazai!" A rope was thrown down to him. Ango's voice came through the speaker loudly, jolting him out of his stupor.
"Ah, what do I owe the pleasure, Ango." He imbued his words with as much venom as he could in his current state. Ango at least ignored Dazai's momentary silence from earlier.
"...It's time. The Armed Detective Agency would like you to take your entrance exam.
4 Years 6 Months Since The Betrayal
Dazai was going to be bruised all over for the next few days. Stupid Lovecraft and stupid Chuuya for not warning him about the attack. He finally slunk back into his dorm and all but collapsed face-first into his futon. He groaned as he turned over, trying to release the tension his body held.
The actual fight had been yesterday, but Kunikida hounded him all day for paperwork and now he was exhausted. He had felt a little bad about leaving Chuuya in the forest fast asleep, but he had at least gathered up his coat and hat. That had to count for something, right?
Ah well, it's not like Chuuya could call him and leave an angry voicemail anymore. He wouldn't have kept his number after disconnecting his old phone. Dazai, of course, had managed to find out his new number, but he had never used it.
He still had the phone that Chuuya had called and left so many voicemails on. It was safely tucked away in a drawer, mostly just a device to store old messages now. He didn't listen to them as much as he used to. They once acted as a lifeline when he was alone, completely cut-off from other people. But now, now he had people surrounding him all the time. Sure, it was exhausting sometimes and they didn't really know that much about him, but he knew that they cared about him. He knew they would help him if he needed it.
Kunikida had already found him on one of his bad days. He didn't make a big deal out of it and mostly just treated him like always, yelling at him about missing work— with the addition that he had gone out and bought some food for him after finding nothing in his cupboards. The action had reminded him of Chuuya and surprisingly it wasn't overwhelmingly painful. Instead it was a warm, nostalgic feeling. A little bittersweet, but altogether welcome.
Seeing Chuuya again though, in person, that was different. It had left him with a swirl of mismatched emotions. Anger at him for giving an ultimatum. Frustration with how the phone calls weren't ever mentioned. Guilt and sadness over his own betrayal. But the most overwhelming thing was a sense of painful longing and deep affection.
There was really only one word that came to mind when thinking of his feelings. A simple four letter word that he wouldn't dare think or speak due to the weight it held.
He had only recently come to terms with it; the feeling still seemed foreign to him. There wasn't any other way to describe it, though. It came to him the first time they met again in that dingy basement. The elation he concealed at seeing Chuuya again had made him pause. They had gone through their old song and dance; needling each other until they were toeing the line. But the entire time the only thing Dazai could focus on was how nice his eyes looked. How long his hair had gotten. How his stupid hat cast an elegant shadow over his stupid face. How good he looked.
He felt a wave of resentment wash over him briefly. Chuuya looked like he had never even sent him heartbreaking voicemails in the middle of the night. The only emotion Chuuya seemed to show was anger. Though, Dazai supposed, he himself didn't look like someone who had listened to every single one of them over and over.
He thought after the lack of contact he had finally gotten Chuuya out of his system, but all it took was one glance and he was consumed by him again.
The second meeting had been more amicable, at least. But, for Dazai, it had been too similar to old times. He was like his emotions were out of control. He was suddenly feeling so much after going so long feeling the bare minimum. The Agency had made him open up even if just a little bit. He was finally starting to live in accordance with Oda's last words. It didn't feel much different, but in a way it was still better.
Dazai continued staring up at the ceiling. He could feel that gnawing emptiness eating away at his insides. The next few days would probably be rough. Sometimes the feeling onset slowly, but others it was sudden. Even after all this time of living like this, Dazai wasn't sure which was worse.
After seeing Chuuya again it felt like some invisible string was pulling him to the drawer where he kept his old phone stashed away. He pulled it out and felt the little spark of hope inside him die, as it always did, when there were no new notifications.
He turned it on as he moved back to his futon, this time laying on his side. It had been months since he'd listened to one of these, yet the same feeling of longing resurfaced as he looked at the timestamps of the old messages. He scrolled through the old messages before playing his favourite, Chuuya's voice once again coming through the speakers.
He laid silently, eyes closed, no longer worried about accidentally deleting messages as he had long ago backed them up. The message played at a low volume and Dazai could nearly imagine that Chuuya was there. He no longer had to think of a younger version; the brief time they had spent together after their reunion had been long enough for Dazai to re-memorize his changed features.
The message was coming to a close, finally ending with a soft, quiet 'I miss you.'
Dazai tried to reconcile the Chuuya who had sent him this message with the one he saw last night, but found himself unable to. The disparity was too great. Dazai wondered if he had forever lost his chance at rectifying his relationship with Chuuya by not calling him three years ago.
Before he could stop himself he was dialling Chuuya's latest number. The time that he had been leaving messages was the longest Chuuya had kept the same number and he had probably been breaking a bunch of unspoken rules within the mafia while doing so. Dazai wanted to believe that it had been another sign to him about how much Chuuya wanted him to call back.
The phone rang against his ear and Dazai realised what he was doing. He didn't even know if he wanted Chuuya to pick up. Which would be worse? To actually talk to him? Or to leave a notification that he called, only to never receive a call in return? As the seconds ticked by it seemed like the ringing was getting louder. His hands began to shake and he had to set the phone down and put it on speaker. Of course, that only made the sound coming from the increase in volume. His hands clenched in his futon.
The ringing stopped.
"So… you finally decided to call, shitty Dazai." Chuuya spoke softly, but his voice was nearly devoid of emotion. He only sounded like he wished he hadn't picked up.
Dazai's eyes widened. He had… kept the number. It was rare that Chuuya ever truly surprised him, but he hadn't expected this at all. Dazai had kept up with Chuuya's number and he had changed phones multiple times since he had stopped calling, yet he still knew that it was Dazai who called. Chuuya had greeted him by name so his caller I.D. had likely still shown his contact name.
"...yeah." Dazai's voice was scratchy and sounded foreign even to himself. "Sorry I took so long."
"I really never thought you would. That's why I told you I'd stop calling if you didn't. I knew you weren't coming back by that point… had to let you go."
Dazai hadn't heard Chuuya use this tone with him since the last message he ever left. The warmth curled around him, eased the hole in his chest.
"I…" Dazai paused, unsure if he wanted to reveal himself. "I listened to every message." He could practically hear Chuuya's stunned silence.
"All of them?" He asked quietly. "You knew about how I felt and still never called?"
Now, Dazai was the one confused. How he felt? What did that mean? Was he talking about when he revealed that he missed Dazai?
"What do you mean? I- it never felt right to call back. I had to seperate myself from you."
"Huh? Isn't it obvious? You said you listened to all the messages!" Chuuya's voice was rising with incredulity. He was obviously getting frustrated with Dazai, but he really had no idea what was wrong. He had listened to every message, every last one, multiple times, he saved all of them, he—.
There was one message. One message he had never heard in its entirety.
Chuuya was talking again and he desperately tried to tune him back in.
"—six months after you left! That message! I told you! I fucking told you I loved you! I—." Chuuya cut himself off. He was breathing heavily on the other end of the line.
"I-I fell asleep on my phone and accidentally deleted it. I never heard the whole thing." Dazai said sheepishly. Silence settled around them. They simply listened to each other's inhales and exhales for what felt like hours until Chuuya spoke again.
"Seriously? You're being serious right now. You-." Chuuya took a deep breath. Dazai could practically see him running a hand through his hair with his eyes closed.
Chuuya started laughing. It was not a happy sound, but Dazai stayed silent on the other end. It seemed like he was having trouble calming himself down and Dazai wasn't sure what to do. This was all his fault anyway.
"You and I really have shit luck. First we get saddled with each other, then you fucking leave, and now this? God, the only thing that was ever easy with you was falling for you. It was way too easy." Chuuya's slightly maniacally happy tone had calmed down over the course of him speaking. He sounded exactly like he had during that two minute voicemail from what seemed like a lifetime ago. Utterly exhausted. "I was always so worried it was completely obvious. Did you really never know?"
Dazai hadn't.
"No. I never knew. Chuuya, I would have never known. I couldn't have understood back then. I never— I never really felt much." Dazai was laying himself bare. He had to. He could tell that this would be the last chance he would get with Chuuya and he had already squandered so many.
Chuuya sighed. "Yeah, I kinda figured that. You were always so indifferent towards everything… but I wouldn't say you didn't feel anything. I think it was more that whatever you did feel was too overwhelming and you walled yourself off from any kind of emotions. I'm glad that it seems that's changed." Dazai was floored by Chuuya's interpretation of his younger self's mental state. Just like that Chuuya had opened him up, rooted around inside, and pulled out the thing that made him tick. Sometimes he forgot how deep their understanding of one another went and how it wasn't just a one-way street.
"I would have called if I'd known." Dazai tried to make himself convincing. He wanted to believe that Chuuya sharing his feelings would have changed the way things turned out.
"No you wouldn't have. I know I just yelled at you for it, but I know you would have never called, no matter what." He was right, of course. Chuuya's declaration of love wouldn't have changed anything, no matter how much Dazai wanted to lie to himself otherwise. Those two years after he left the Port Mafia had been some of the most difficult days he's forced himself to live through. Cut off from everything and everyone he'd known from his past life. Craving the attention that Chuuya used to pay him. Needing something to do, but having nothing. He drowned in his depression those two years and it had been rough. He had been quite unforgiving to himself during that time too. He wouldn't have allowed himself to call. Didn't think he deserved any kind of happiness. Not yet at least. Not until he had served his sentence.
"Sorry."
"I don't need your apologies, Mackerel. You were probly beating yourself up over it."
Sometimes Dazai hated how well Chuuya could read him. Every so often it had felt like too much when they were younger. When that happened Dazai would separate from him for a bit, creating a new barrier between himself and his emotions. Even now Dazai felt like building his walls back up all over again, but he was pretty sure Chuuya had pulverised most of the stone he had used as material. And really, he didn't want to make new bricks out of the dust anyway.
"Where do we go from here?" Dazai didn't know what came next. It seemed like Chuuya wasn't about to throw him away at least.
"Well, that's pretty obvious, Dazai. How do you feel about me?" Chuuya asked the question like he already knew the answer.
Dazai hesitated. He could end this now and he knew Chuuya would let him, or he could try something new with Chuuya. Something that neither of them really had any experience with. Dazai had to figure out what he wanted and fast. During the last four years, the Chuuya shaped hole in his heart had shrunk in size. He briefly wondered if that minimal pain that came with Chuuya's absence would be better than the potential agony that could come if things between them went poorly for a second time. The yearning he felt for Chuuya had never really gone away, it had just gotten less noticeable, but now it was rearing its ugly head. He couldn't just keep seeing Chuuya around, knowing he could have tried to fix their relationship, but had choked.
"I… feel the same." Dazai finally answered.
"That's really all you're gonna give me?" Dazai could hear Chuuya's grin through the phone. Dazai rolled his eyes, a smile threatening to overtake his face. Suddenly, everything seemed so easy.
"I love you too, Slug." Already his chest felt a million times lighter.
"Good! And don't think I've forgotten about how you left me in a fucking forest yesterday!"
Dazai laughed. Maybe things would be okay.