Work Text:
i.
The first time it happens is an accident.
Aine finds a mirror tucked under a pile of blankets, cracked straight down the middle like a lighting bolt, a wavy dark green frame surrounding it. It looks old. It’s heavier than she expects when she picks it up and when she turns around to ask Shona if she should buy it, there’s a sudden flash of light and everything goes dark.
Aine opens her eyes and sees a ceiling. She’s lying down, eyes fuzzy like she just woke up, and she squints. It isn’t her bed. It isn’t Shona’s bed either. The duvet cover is heavy and bright yellow. Aine is wearing what she was before, Adidas leggings and an old green hoodie she stole from Shona, but everything else feels off.
There’s a knock at the door and she startles, nearly falling out of bed. “Yeah?”
“Are you coming down?” The voice is familiar, but not enough that she immediately places it. “Sho’s almost done making pancakes.”
Charlotte.
“I - yes?” Aine blinks. She tests the carpet before she steps onto it. It feels real. Everything feels real, but it can’t be. She’s supposed to be in a thrift shop, making fun of everything Shona wants to buy, not in a house that Aine doesn’t recognize. She puts one foot down and rolls her body weight over it. The floor doesn’t collapse. She puts her other one down beside it and takes a careful step forward, then another, until she makes it to the door.
Aine expects to open the door and fall into a portal. Something dark and swirling with flashes of light and stars and someone laughing maniacally. Instead, she just sees a hallway. She looks at the framed photos as she walks back. It had to be Charlotte. There’s one of her as a kid, in a hot pink swimsuit and goggles that don’t fit her head, slipped down over only one eye so it looks like she’s winking. A smaller version beside her who must be her sister.
The pictures get more and more familiar as Aine walks down. She frowns at the end, staring at a picture that she’s in but can’t remember. They’re standing in front of a fireplace, Aine hanging off Shona and Charlotte’s shoulders. They’re all smiling. It must’ve been in the winter, Aine’s got half a cookie in one hand, and Shona’s cheeks are dusted with glitter. There's stockings hanging off hooks and a suggestive set up of what she thinks are reindeer made out of glass. She moves onto the last picture and falters.
It isn’t obvious, but Aine knows it’s a wedding picture. It’s in front of a nondescript brick building. Shona is holding flowers and her arm is curled around Charlotte's waist, her fingers holding onto the fold of her pocket. It looks like it was a sunny day, Charlotte beaming at the camera and Shona turned to look up at her.
“Aine!” Shona yells. “Hurry up!”
-
“So, you two are like - married, right?” Aine asks.
Shona’s pancakes taste the same as they used to. Aine can never make them taste the same and she knows that Shona swears by buttermilk and low heat, but Aine is not a patient person. Their kitchen has wide windows that look out into a backyard, bold green walls, and the backyard has two separate gardens: one for vegetables and one for flowers.
“Okay, we did not drink this much last night,” Shona frowns. “Did you hit your head? Did your soul get possessed?”
“No,” Aine says. “I forgot?”
“You were literally there,” Shona says, slower. “It was like - what? Three years ago?”
“Almost four,” Charlotte corrects, but she’s smiling.
“Right,” Aine nods. “Four years. Time just goes by so fast you know, I can hardly -” She stops talking when Shona reaches over the table to press her palm against her forehead. The ring on her finger is cooler against her skin and Aine stares at it when Shona leans back. It’s simple. A gold band that matches the one on Charlotte’s finger with a tiny diamond in the middle that’s barely noticeable unless you’re paying attention.
“Do you feel sick?” Shona asks.
“I’m fine, Jesus,” Aine huffs. “I’m just hungover.”
“From two cocktails?” Charlotte asks, drily. She sounds concerned and Aine tamps down the instant reaction to be annoyed with her. She doesn’t know Charlotte. She knows that Shona likes her, but she didn’t realize she liked her enough to marry her, or even that their friendship went past work. There's part of her that's surprised that Charlotte is still around.
“I’m tired,” Aine tries. “I’m fine, promise.”
Shona rolls her eyes, “Just don’t throw up in my kitchen.”
-
Aine learns that in this universe they have brunch on the first Sunday of every month, usually at the same diner that Charlotte introduced them to, but the night before was the fifth anniversary party for their company, and they were all too lazy to go out.
Charlotte cleans the kitchen and Shona flops onto the couch, letting Aine move her legs to sit down underneath them.
“What’s actually wrong with you?” Shona asks. “Are you worried about Brad?”
“What about Brad?”
Shona narrows her eyes, “You’ve been saying that you were going to tell him for the past two weeks.”
“Tell him what?” Aine asks. “I don’t - am I single?”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Shona frowns. “Did you get drugged? I don’t - should we take you to the hospital or something, you sound -”
“Nothing!” Aine drops her head back on the couch. “Work has been really busy, I’m just tired -”
“Sure,” Shona hums. “That’s all.”
Aine hesitates, “You don’t have kids right?”
Shona groans.
-
It ends up being a lazy day. Aine nearly screams when a cat jumps on top of her, but Shona is staring at her, too suspicious, and Aine figures she probably likes the cat, so she strokes his head until he starts purring. She doesn't ask what the cat's name is. She thinks Shona almost asks her if she remembers, but she keeps quiet, reading a boring business journal on the couch, while Aine and Charlotte fall into a Wipeout marathon.
They order in dinner and eat on the couch. Aine cleans up which earns her another suspicious look from Shona, but she lets it go, tucking herself against Charlotte. Aine watches them. She doesn't know if it feels wrong or surreal or confusing. She knows that it's not unreasonable that she doesn't trust Charlotte, that she's still mad she told Freddie about rehab, that she doesn't understand why Shona is keeping her to herself, but she thinks this explains a lot.
Aine packages all the containers up, separating compost from recycling, opening doors until she finds the proper containers. She keeps the leftovers and takes her time putting them away, judging the contents of Shona's fridge, and failing to assign meaning to them.
Aine stays over, doesn’t bother protesting much when Charlotte and Shona insist on it, and she falls asleep halfway through an episode of Love Island. She can feel herself falling asleep, her vision going blurry and Shona’s voice fading out, before the light is back and she’s standing again, suddenly, and staring at the mirror.
“So that’s a no to this shirt then?” Shona asks.
“Jesus Christ,” Aine huffs. “You scared me.”
Shona frowns at her, “I’ve been talking to you for the last five minutes.”
“Right,” Aine nods. She looks at the shirt and winces, “That’s a definite no.”
Aine buys the mirror.
ii.
The mirror doesn’t work every time.
Aine tries when she’s bored, when she can’t sleep, when James finds out about Richard, when Shona starts lying to her. It finally works when she’s home by herself, Brad out doing something with Emma, Shona replying to her texts with sorry call later?, and Richard trying to bond with Etienne by taking him fishing. Aine has no interest in fishing and she's alone, so she tugs the mirror out from under the couch where she hides it, because Bradley is all about keeping their apartment clean but has a weird thing against vacuums.
There’s light and Aine feels dizzy. She opens her eyes and she’s in a hospital hallway, sitting in a chair that faces a blank wall. There’s a tray of coffee in her hands and she lifts one up, reading the order. So, Shona’s coffee order stays consistent, in wherever she’s going, different universes or worlds or something. Aine doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to wait long, Shona appears in blue scrubs and a white jacket, Dr. O’Keefe, written on the chest, and Aine doesn’t realize how relieved she feels that Shona is a doctor here and not a patient. She stands up and Shona smiles when she sees her.
They walk down a hallway until they get outside, a small greenspace with people walking around. Shona sits down on a bench and takes one of the coffees.
“They really let you be a doctor?” Aine asks.
Shona glares at her, smacking her shoulder, “Oh, fuck off.”
“What time are you done tonight?” Aine tries. It’s Summer, or maybe late Spring, and she stares at the pink flowers covering the trees.
“Six,” Shona shrugs. “Hopefully. Are you still bringing Brad?”
“I - yes,” Aine frowns. She checks Shona’s left hand, but it’s bare. She figures it might be because of the whole doctor thing but she doesn’t know. Shona could be a surgeon. She doesn’t remember if the colours of the scrubs indicate anything. “Charlotte will be there, right?” Aine asks. She assumes it’s Charlotte. It’s only the second place she’s been, but there’s something that tells her that if she said Vish, she would’ve been wrong. She doesn’t quite know how she feels about it yet.
“I would hope so,” Shona says, monotone. “Considering she lives there and everything.”
“Right,” Aine nods. “Should I bring anything?”
“Did you do something that’s going to piss me off or what?”
“I can be nice, Shona,” Aine huffs. “I can’t believe you think so little of me.”
“Bring wine or something,” Shona shrugs. “I don’t care, Charlotte’s cooking, so probably a red.”
“A red,” Aine repeats. “Is that where your wine knowledge ends?”
“Like you know more.”
“I prefer zinfandels, actually,” Aine says. “So I will get a bottle of that.”
“Grand,” Shona yawns. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“You don’t have to baby me, you know, I am completely capable of -”
“I know,” Shona cuts her off. “You just keep staring at me. It’s weird.”
“You look weird.”
Shona doesn’t take the bait and Aine shrugs, “I’m good. Are you good?”
“Yeah,” Shona smiles, like she can’t control it. She looks different than the Shona Aine knows, less on edge, less worried, less guilty. She’s open in a way Aine doesn’t think Shona has ever been. “I’ve gotta go,” Shona says, checking her pager. “Text me if you need anything?”
“Sure,” Aine nods. “Love you.”
“Love you,” Shona echoes. Aine watches her walk away and then stays in the courtyard. She wonders if she could find herself here. She doesn’t know if she wants to, feels like that's a sure way to break the time-space continuum or something. She thinks about the way Shona says Brad, the way that it seems like in every universe it's Shona and Charlotte as one.
Aine could find Vish. She could find James and see if there's universes where their business model works, like seeing that it's successful would calm her nerves in her real life. She could find her Mam. She could look for Richard. She could search through multiple universes until she finds one where her Dad is still alive.
Aine could, if she wanted to, but she's too scared of the answers.
iii.
“Where’d you put the mirror?” Shona asks.
Aine hesitates. She doesn’t actually remember, because the last time she used it, she was drunk, and she’d ended up in Rome, nearly immediately tripping into a fountain. She barely made it back, falling asleep in a hotel room she hoped she wouldn’t have to pay for, and waking up on the couch, Bradley laughing at her.
Shona finds it, tucked in between magazines on the coffee table, and reaches for it.
“Wait, Shona,” Aine tries, grabbing her arm and trying to pull her away. It doesn’t work. She feels like she’s spinning and when she opens her eyes, her ears ring and she can see Shona, eyes squeezed shut. Aine’s hand is on her forearm and she tightens her grip.
Eventually, the spinning stops and Aine swallows, “Are you okay?”
“What the fuck kind of cursed mirror was that?” Shona glares. “Where the fuck are we?”
Aine shrugs, looking around. It’s cold but sunny. There’s a lake that’s almost eerily turquoise and still, surrounded by mountains that look far and close at the same time, giant coniferous trees slotted everywhere they can fit.
“Canada, maybe?”
“Canada,” Shona repeats. “What the Hell?”
“I know this is weird -”
“It teleported us? To Canada?”
“Not exactly,” Aine says, slowly. “I think - it’s more like multiple universes?”
“Jesus Christ, Aine,” Shona groans. “This is a dream, right? This can’t be -” She stops, walking towards the water. There’s a giant pale pink hotel in the distance, a pole with signs pointing out different trails, and a building that offers canoes. A statue of a moose is standing guard at the edge of the dock and there’s a giant Canadian flag hanging above them. Aine feels smug about her geography knowledge but she looks over at Shona, who kicks angrily at the gravel, and sighs.
“Should we try?” Aine asks, pointing.
-
It takes them fifteen minutes of arguing to figure out how to get the canoe to not go in circles.
They pick a mountain at random and row towards it, slowly and not steady at all, and Aine waits until Shona talks again.
“So, you’ve just been going to Canada in different universes?”
“This is the first time I’ve been to Canada,” Aine says. “I’ve only been a few times. The first two were in London and then Rome -”
“Rome?” Shona says.
“Yeah,” Aine shrugs. “It wasn’t - great, there was a fountain and a miscommunication about a rose and - yeah.”
“Did you meet yourself?” Shona asks. “Isn’t that bad luck or something?”
“No,” Aine says. She pushes the oar harder through the water and they arc slightly left.
“Who then?”
“Who do you think Shona?”
Shona’s lifejacket squeaks when she turns around and glares, “You’re stalking me in other universes?”
“How is that stalking?”
“It seems pretty clear cut to me,” Shona mutters.
“I don’t choose where it takes me,” Aine says. “If I could, I would pick something more exciting than your life.”
Shona flicks water back at her with her oar and laughs.
“Jesus Christ,” Aine whines. “That is so fucking cold and I’m pretty sure if I fucking die here, I die in real life, so maybe don’t try to give me hypothermia.”
“You are so dramatic,” Shona says. “That isn’t going to kill you.”
“You’re not a doctor in our universe, Shona, how the Hell would you know?”
“A doctor?” Shona repeats. “I was a doctor?”
“Probably a shit one,” Aine mutters. “But yes.”
“I - what am I like?” Shona asks. “In these - fake worlds, or whatever.”
“As annoying as you always are,” Aine says. “You’re - you’re good. You seem happy. You’re - married, usually.”
Shona narrows her eyes, pushing her hair back off her face, “Why did you say that so weirdly? You know that I’m - I probably - I am getting married.”
“I know,” Aine shrugs. “It doesn’t matter, it’s probably just the few ones I went to, that you -” She trails off and Shona turns back. They paddle more in silence. There’s a few people out on the water, in boats that match their’s, and she can see people walking along the edge of the water.
“Who did I marry?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Aine says. “You should - it’s irrelevant who fake-you marries in other universes that may or may not actually exist.”
“We’re literally in one right now,” Shona mutters. “I think it matters.”
“It doesn’t,” Aine says. “You should - you love him, right?”
“I obviously don’t marry him,” Shona snaps. “Just tell me.”
“Charlotte,” Aine says, quickly. “You always marry Charlotte.”
Shona’s shoulders snap up, the top of the lifejacket over her ears, and she stops paddling again. Aine starts alternating sides and they get closer and closer to the shore.
“In every universe?” Shona asks, quietly.
“Well, two, so far,” Aine shrugs. “I didn’t want to tell you? I mean - I was going to check more, I couldn’t find you in Rome, but it’s only two universes? That’s not a lot, considering that I think there’s unlimited versions of yourself. So, you don’t have to listen to the other yous, if you want to marry Vish, you should.”
Shona stays quiet. Aine wants to complain about being the only one rowing, but Shona is holding herself so still, she thinks it’d be easy to push her into the water. She gives up when her arms are sore and she hopes pain in one universe doesn’t last when she’s back home.
“Shona, it’s okay, you don’t -”
“I’ve been sleeping with Charlotte for the past month,” Shona blurts. “Give or take.”
“I - what?” Aine falters. “In our universe?”
“Yes,” Shona turns around, lifejacket lowering, and shrugs, “I don’t - whatever, since that night, at the event, she - she kissed me and…” She trails off, managing to look sorry and wistful at the same time.
“And obviously you’ve been doing a lot more,” Aine mutters. “Are you - you don’t want to marry him?”
“I don’t know,” Shona frowns. “I don’t think I wanted to even before I met her, but I thought it was - something wrong with me? Or Vish, that if it was anyone else, I wouldn’t be so - angry, about the fact he wants to marry me.”
“This isn’t like confirmation bias, is it?” Aine asks.
“I don't know," Shona says. "It's not - I didn't expect to feel anything for her. I don't think this is changing my mind about her."
"You're falling in love with her?"
"I didn't say that," Shona glares. "I will push you so you fall into this water."
Aine snorts, "You wouldn't." She keeps paddling, they really are not keeping good pace, and Shona keeps glaring, eyes focused somewhere past Aine's head. "Did you ever want to marry Vish?" Aine asks, once she's pretty sure she's waited long enough that Shona is not going to dump her into a lake somewhere in Canada.
"No," Shona shrugs. "I don't know - maybe? I didn’t - it’s been two years and I haven’t wanted to move in with him but I thought - I don’t know. I didn’t think I had any other options.”
“Until Charlotte.”
“Yeah,” Shona laughs. “I guess. I don’t - can you show me other universes?”
iv.
They end up in New York.
“Let’s find a library,” Shona says.
“What? No,” Aine shakes her head, but lets herself be pulled. “That’s so fucking boring.”
“I’m going to google myself,” Shona says. “And - Charlotte, I guess.”
“Can’t we do that in an Apple store?” Aine asks. “Or like, borrow someone’s phone?”
Shona doesn’t answer. She signs up for a library card and logs into a computer. Aine drags a chair closer and sighs, “This is so boring. I usually just - find you.”
“Well, I really would not like to meet my clone today, thank you.”
“I don’t think she’s a clone,” Aine mutters. “I think it’s like - actually, I don’t know. There’s gotta be a movie about it. Lemme google that, who cares about your life.”
Shona ignores her, pulling up LinkedIn, “Oh my God,” Aine groans. “You’re trying to find yourself on the most boring website ever? At least try to hack into your Instagram page or something.”
“I look so much better in this picture, what the fuck,” Shona complains. In this world, she’s a lawyer. She gives up looking at her list of past jobs and switches to Instagram. Her profile picture is her and Charlotte, smiling in what looks like a bar with awful lighting. The first picture is two cats lying in a section of sunlight on a wooden floor. Aine’s account is the first one that liked it and Aine shoves her, “Let’s look at me.”
“Fuck off,” Shona hisses, pushing her back. An older woman googling kombucha recipes glares at them. She clicks next and sighs. It’s Charlotte, smiling right at the camera. There’s a flower tucked behind her ear and her hair is longer than before. She’s standing on a beach, the sea stretching out endless behind her, and there’s a ring on her left hand, holding onto a neon drink.
“Happy eighth anniversary,” Aine reads. Shona smacks her again before she can keep going, the caption is cheesier than anything she’s ever thought before, and she swallows. Charlotte. In three out of three universes, it’s Charlotte, and she didn’t expect to feel so relieved.
There’s part of her that wants to go against it, that the fact that she chooses Charlotte in every single universe means that she should buck the trend, marry Vish because it was the original plan, but even she can see that she looks different. She looks happy, unrecognizably so, and it isn’t news, that there was something there, that the way Charlotte looks at her makes her squirm. It isn’t the same as when Vish does. She doesn’t feel like Vish wants her, she feels like he wants a wife, and they’ve been together long enough that it makes sense.
Charlotte makes her feel like Shona doesn’t have to think. She doesn’t have to think two steps ahead to make sure she chooses the easiest reaction. She doesn’t have to worry about what she says, how often she checks on Aine, if she thinks Charlotte is wrong. She doesn’t realize that Aine’s scrolled through more of her profile until she looks up and there’s a picture of Shona stretched across a couch, her head in Charlotte’s lap, and her legs across Aine’s. She clicks through more: a picture of Charlotte in the kitchen, appearing like a shadow in the fading light, the outline of her hair up in a bun and the blur of her shirt; a picture of Aine flipping the camera off, a cake with an incredible amount of candles on it in front of her; Shona making a face, sitting in a chair in what looks like a home office, one of the cats curled around her shoulders; Charlotte wearing a football outfit, her shirt clinging to her stomach and grass stained, smiling with a medal around her neck and her arm around Shona’s shoulders.
“Go to your’s,” Shona murmurs. Her head is spinning, not as bad as when they get transported or whatever the fuck happens, but she’s close to crying and she wants to find Charlotte, her Charlotte, and she knows they aren’t going to jump into the future, that her Charlotte is hurt and annoyed, that her Charlotte said she was falling in love with her, and Shona pivoted the other way, dove deep into wedding planning and suddenly has strong opinions on floral arrangements.
Aine follows instructions and stares at her profile. The first one is a video of Bradley, his face only seen in the mirror, winking, and he’s got an overgrip on a bar, pulling himself up until his chin is over it.
Shona snorts, “Looks like you’ve got some explaining to do too.”
“That could be a friendly shirtless video,” Aine argues. “I could be a great wing woman, you don’t know shit.”
“Did you read the caption?”
“No,” Aine frowns. “Do I want to?”
“I’m actually worried for you in this universe,” Shona says. “I don’t think there’s a chance that any of you ever loves working out.”
“I can squat,” Aine protests. “That’s an exercise.”
Shona starts reading, “The only person who could get me to the gym.” She snorts, “I’ve never seen that many winky faces in a row.”
“Fuck off,” Aine whines. “This is - unfair.”
“Were you with him in the other universes?”
“Maybe,” Aine shrugs. “Unclear. It doesn’t - it doesn’t have to matter, right?”
“Right,” Shona nods. “Do whatever the fuck you want.”
v.
Charlotte wins a gold medal in triathlon and Shona gets a medal in diving. There’s rumours about them, the first suggestion that comes up when Shona googles her name is ’shona o’keefe lesbian’ and Aine snorts.
“You’re a fucking Youtuber,” Shona mutters. “So I’d keep quiet if I was you.”
Aine glares but they watch some of her videos anyway. She has 876k subscribers and an ungodly amount of sponsorships.
“I can’t believe that people care about what you eat for breakfast,” Shona says. “It’s oatmeal, like every fucking day.”
“Yeah,” Aine says. “But today I added peanut butter and chocolate chips.” She watches herself walking around her kitchen. There's a highlight reel of her making oatmeal, the amounts and brands she used in white font in the bottom right, and she assumes it's Bradley filming her. He's not in every video, but in most of them and half the comments are talking about how hot he is.
Shona rolls her eyes, “We’ve watched four videos and I don’t even know what sport you play or if Bradley owns a shirt.”
Aine snorts, “You definitely introduced us in this world.”
“Why?”
“You’re both divers,” Aine says. “Annoying divers and I’m the best fucking archer in the entire world.” She clicks to a new video and Shona laughs, “You look like you’re on your way to cosplay Hawkeye.”
“It’s embarrassing that you know who that is,” Aine glares and adds, “Fuck off, I look incredible.”
They watch more videos. It feels weird, watching someone who looks identical to her but isn’t, talking about archery, her routine before events, how she balances training and being in a relationship, how nervous she is for the Olympics. She does a lot of Q&As. There's one titled Q&A | WITH MY SISTER and Aine clicks on it.
“If anyone sees us, they’re going to think you’re the biggest narcissist ever,” Shona says.
The questions are boring, Aine figures she chose specific ones, but in the video, she smirks, "Everyone wants to know about Charlotte."
Aine watches how the Shona beside her softens, then frowns, watching as a version of herself on screen smiles, like she can't help it before she realizes and tamps it down. Her cheeks go pink and she recovers, rolling her eyes, "Ask her yourself."
Charlotte appears on screen, sitting on Shona's left. Her hand immediately rests on Shona's thigh and she's smiling, amused, sharing a look with Aine that makes Shona roll her eyes again. There’s rings around their necks that match and people in the comments pointing it out. There’s just as many people who disagree, who bring up Shona’s ex-boyfriend and Charlotte’s recently locked Instagram, and Shona’s mouth twists.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“I mean - yes?” Aine shrugs. “In the videos?”
“Yeah,” Shona shrugs. “What about - did you notice? In real life.”
“I don’t know,” Aine says. “You were weird about her, but I didn’t immediately jump to thinking that you were having an affair.”
Shona digs her fingers into her thigh and says, “I thought - it didn’t even feel obvious to me, I just wanted to be with her all the time and then - she kissed me and it felt like it made sense, but then I panicked, and now - it’s so obvious.”
“You should tell her,” Aine says. “I mean - you should break up with Vish first, but whatever floats your boat.”
vi.
Aine keeps going by herself too. She doesn’t tell Shona and she can’t tell anyone else, but time passes differently in her universe when she’s somewhere else, and she finds she sleeps better after a trip.
She almost always finds Shona within minutes. She spends hours in one universe and can’t find her, can’t bring herself to figure out why. She knows why but the thought makes her feel so sick that she immediately goes back to her house, doesn’t know how she knows it’s her own, and finds Brad waiting for her, half-asleep on the couch. He looks older. It’s still obviously him and she stares at him, realizes that he sees her as she is in this universe, not the age she is now, and falls into him.
Aine doesn’t know how long she cries for, but she knows that Brad holds her, whispers comfort into her hair, and doesn’t press.
Aine wakes up in her own bed, hearing Brad singing in the kitchen, and doesn’t pick up the mirror for a week.
-
The next time she goes back, she wakes up next to Shona, younger Shona, darker hair and brighter eyes. She rolls her eyes but repeats what she said, something about parabolas and y-values, and Aine groans, “I am not doing maths again.”
“Again?” Shona laughs. “We’ve barely started.”
Aine stares at the questions, there’s only five but each one has A to F, and sighs, “It’s been enough, we’re doing something fun.” She expects Shona to argue, to bring up how important it is that Aine does well, so she can get into a good school, and have a proper future, but she doesn’t. She softens and shrugs, standing up and grabbing her jacket.
“Mam’s not going to be back until late,” Shona says. “Where do you want to go?”
-
They pick up burgers and fries and milkshakes and Shona drives them to a spot Aine remembers and hopes exists in this world.
There’s a hill that Shona drives up, quiet the entire time like she’s waiting, and parks in the tiny parking lot that’s fenced off from the paths. They sit on the front of Shona’s car, eating food that’s slightly too cold, and staring up at the sky.
“Are you okay?” Shona asks.
“Yeah,” Aine shrugs. “I’m good.” She doesn’t remember exactly how she felt as a sixteen year old. She was fine. Shona was fine. Their Mam was fine or she was gone, and it’d been long enough since their Dad had died, that they barely talked about him anymore.
Aine doesn’t think she’s been to the hill since her dad died, in her universe. She assumes it’s the first time now, here with Shona who is so familiar but lost to her memories, and she swallows, “I really miss him.”
Shona doesn’t say anything. She balls up the paper wrappers and shoves them back into the biggest bag. Her fingers curl around the milkshake, half-melted, and dripping with condensation.
“Me too,” she says, eventually.
The stars are obvious and Aine starts pointing out the constellations their dad taught them. She doesn’t know if she remembers them correctly, it was a memory that stung somehow, that made her ache so much for something she could never get back. But Shona doesn’t correct her, only reaches out and links their fingers together, and listens.
vii.
In the fifty-eighth universe Aine visits, she doesn’t exist.
Not anymore.
She wakes up in an unfamiliar room and heads downstairs, stopping briefly at the pictures on the walls. She stops being in them at some point before Shona meets Charlotte.
When she walks downstairs, Shona is half-asleep on the couch, staring blankly at a nature documentary on tv, and she falls off when Aine says hi.
“What the fuck?” Shona blinks. “How - you can’t be here. You’re - Aine.” Her voice breaks and Aine finally understands, “Did I die?”
“Did you -” Shona closes her eyes. Her hand is wrapped around the leg of the coffee table and her face is so pale. “Are you a ghost or? I - am I losing my mind? You - you died, you can't be real. You can’t be.”
“I’m not dead,” Aine says. She doesn’t walk closer to the couch, hovers in the entrance way of the living room, and looks around. There’s more pictures of her in here, younger faced and smiling. “Or I mean - I’m not from here?”
“And where is here exactly?” Shona asks.
“I don’t really know,” Aine shrugs. “There’s parallel universes and shit. We’re sisters in all of them and I - this is the first one where I actually killed myself.”
Shona flinches. She stands up, shaky, and sits back down on the couch. She squeezes her eyes shut and Aine frowns, walking over to her. She reaches out carefully. Shona is warm and she doesn’t jump away, she barely reacts at all.
“You’re her,” Shona says, opening her eyes again. They look bolder, the redness and the tears making the colour more obvious. “From a different fucking universe?”
“Yes,” Aine says.
“Okay,” Shona breathes. “Are you happy?”
Aine hesitates. She doesn’t know if she feels anything or if she should. She tried to kill herself and she doesn’t think it’s a surprise that in one universe it actually worked. She shrugs, “Yeah, I’m happy.”
Shona reaches out and grabs her hand, “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Aine confirms. “I’m good - you know. I’m better.”
“Good,” Shona nods. “I - how long can you stay here?” She looks so much younger, but exhausted and lost.
“I’ve got all day,” Aine shrugs. “What do you want to do?”
They end up doing nothing but ordering take out and watching movies. It’s exactly what Aine hoped for and she pretends not to notice Shona sneaking looks at her, looking at her like she’s so relieved and heartbroken, and always staying close.
At some point, when it’s dark outside and they switched from movies to a HGTV marathon, watching people complain about flooring and water damage, Aine asks about Charlotte.
“Oh, yeah, she’s here,” Shona says. “In this universe thing, I guess. She’s on a business trip.”
“What do you do here?”
“Financial analyst,” Shona shrugs. “I’ve got other jobs in other places?”
“Yeah,” Aine hums. “Somehow you’re a doctor in one. We’re Olympians in another. You act like you’re trying to be Jane fucking Goodall in some. A chef. A paramedic. You’re very well rounded.”
Shona rolls her eyes, “I can’t imagine being good at any of those.”
“Well, you are,” Aine grins. “Shocked me.”
Shona reaches out to whack her and then goes still as soon as she does. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I know,” Aine frowns. “I didn’t - I love you. I never - I never wanted to hurt you or make you sad. I just - I couldn’t do it anymore. Any of it.” She tugs Shona over to her, gracelessly, but Shona flops beside her anyway, hiding her face against her neck. “You can’t blame yourself, okay? I’m okay. You can - I don’t know if it helps, but there’s endless universes where I’m happy and we’re - we’re good.”
Aine doesn’t think it’ll help. There’s an obvious negative twist, that in all of the universes that exist, this Shona got stuck in the one where Aine doesn’t. But Shona nods, face wet, “I’m really glad you’re happy.”
“Me too,” Aine says, carefully.
“How do you go back?” Shona asks.
“I fall asleep and wake up back there,” Aine says. “I have no clue how any of this works.”
“God, okay,” Shona says. “This still feels like a dream.”
“I guess it could be,” Aine shrugs. She doesn’t think it is but she doesn’t want to leave Shona any worse for wear.
They manage to stay up until it’s late, Aine asking questions that she thinks will lead to safe answers, or at least ones that won’t make them both miserable. Shona asks questions too, less careful and slightly more desperate, and Aine tells her about Brad, about how her Shona isn’t with Charlotte yet, but knows she will be soon. She doesn’t want to think about why she chose to bring up Brad and not Richard, but she hasn’t talked to Richard in weeks, and she’s pretty sure they aren’t together anymore.
Etienne texted her once, asking for clarification about a homework problem, and she feels like they’re going back to the start, her as an English tutor and nothing else. She hasn’t quite figured out how she feels about it.
Aine lets Shona tuck her in, like they’re kids again and Shona is trying to make up for how often they’re left alone, and she feels like crying. “I love you,” Shona says, bending down and kissing her forehead.
“I love you,” Aine echoes. She’s in Shona’s bed this time, and Shona crawls in beside her like they still do when one of them is having a horrible day, but she feels younger, rubbed raw, and she doesn’t know how to handle this Shona crying. This Shona doesn’t have her anymore. This Shona might wake up the next morning and think it was a dream. This Shona isn’t the same as her Shona but Aine loves her the same anyway.
“Please stay safe,” Shona murmurs.
Aine doesn’t know if Shona thinks she’s already asleep but she whispers back, “I promise.”
viii.
Charlotte is a professor in Marseille.
They sit in the back row of the second level of a frankly giant auditorium and listen to her talk about how language evolves. Shona is the CEO of a mid level AI company that focuses on predicting cancer outcomes. They spend Summers on the coast of Italy, according to Charlotte’s Instagram account, and Aine lives in Nice, teaching English during the weekdays and swimming lessons on the weekend.
-
Charlotte is an immigration lawyer. Shona is an engineer, working on a project that this Shona can’t comprehend from any of the articles she reads on it. They have a dog who is way too big to sit on their laps but is in every picture she finds of him. Shona’s Facebook page shows that she’s at least seven months pregnant and there’s a sparkling silver ring on her hand that’s resting on her belly.
The first comment is Aine, you better name the little one after me.
-
Shona is a nurse and Charlotte runs a research lab, focusing on cancer vaccines. They have game nights once a month, friends that don’t look familiar to Shona, and a frankly terrifying fish tank in their living room.
Aine is the only one who remembers the proper name for each fish and comes over for dinner once a week, Bradley always with her.
-
Charlotte is a director.
Shona and Aine have their own production company.
There’s a picture recently posted on Aine’s Twitter, Shona and Charlotte sitting in a booth, close together even though there’s plenty of space. It’s an older picture, they look younger than the picture posted before, and the sepia filter and the white curved borders give it away. Seven years ago.
-
Charlotte is an author and there’s a row dedicated to her books in Shona’s office. She teaches Immunology and the romance novels stand out from the piles of textbooks.
They got married in Athens. Shona’s dad walked her down the aisle and Aine is crying in half of the pictures Shona posted.
Ten out of ten.
-
Shona and Aine own a restaurant that Bradley visits too often to be solely for the food and Charlotte is a critic that Shona hates on reputation alone.
And then they meet.
-
In the twenty-fifth universe they go to, Shona and Aine get split up.
Aine shows up in a church, hidden in the back row where nobody seems to notice her, and watches her father walk Shona down the aisle. She doesn’t realize she’s crying until the ceremony is over and she feels the need to hide her face so that this universe’s Shona and Charlotte don’t recognize her as they walk past.
Shona finds herself at a family dinner, where people can see her, where Charlotte is sitting beside her at the dinner table, hand warm on her thigh, and her dad tells stories that make everyone laugh. Shona doesn’t talk. She doesn’t know what to say, what her job is or when she married Charlotte. She knows that she did, keeps twisting the ring around her finger, and she knows that Aine recently got engaged, and that whenever it comes up again, her and Bradley get matching dopey smiles on their faces. She almost doesn’t want to leave.
-
Trust Together exists in universe #32.
It’s weird, seeing something she can clearly vision in her head actually existing, and she follows Aine around the offices. There’s nobody else around and the sky is dark, barely anything lighting up the rooms, but there’s her office and Charlotte’s right across the way.
Aine turns on Shona's computer and searches for her own name, smirking when she sees proof of her's and James' business too.
-
Shona is a paramedic and Bradley is a firefighter. Shona introduces him to Aine at an employee football game.
Charlotte gets assigned as Shona's new partner in December. They're married a year and a half later.
-
Aine is half-way through finishing her masters in Education and working as a bike messenger on the side when she meets Bradley. He gets an edible arrangement, a bouquet of flowers, and three thick envelopes delivered in a week. She asks him questions that she probably wouldn’t if the deliveries weren’t scheduled late at night and he finds her charming.
Shona warns her not to go out with a stranger and Aine argues that isn’t everyone a stranger, at some point? She brings Bradley over to Shona’s place for dinner after three weeks of dates and smirks when she clocks that Shona approves.
-
“I refuse to go on another blind date,” Aine says.
“I chose this time,” Charlotte grins. “Not Shona.”
“Hey!” Shona protests. She doesn’t turn away from her laptop and Aine sighs. Charlotte bribed her with homemade cherry pie and the specific homemade vanilla ice cream she buys from a woman who lives three doors over. She did not expect a dating intervention, but maybe she should’ve.
“He’s cute,” Charlotte says, pushing her phone across the table. “He’s a lawyer with a non-profit that helps kids get into sports.”
Aine looks at the pictures. He is attractive, at least ten times better than the last guy Shona set her up with, and she sighs, “What’s the catch?”
“There is none,” Charlotte says. “I am good at this.”
-
Charlotte is a part of the American Ballet Theatre and she runs into Shona - literally - at a coffee shop downtown. She’s late and her apology is rushed but she ends up giving her the tickets she has to her next show. She doesn’t expect Shona to show up, waiting for her after it’s done with all the other dancer’s families.
Her sister is with her, a woman named Aine, and Charlotte laughs, watching Bradley trip over himself to talk to her.
Shona grins at her.
-
There’s another hospital, but this time Aine is a nurse and Bradley is a paramedic who hangs around after his shift. They get dinner if they end around the same time or he’ll bring her snacks on her breaks.
Shona has bets going with three other doctors and four nurses. Charlotte wins, an orthopaedic surgeon who Aine’s only met twice, but she splits her winnings with her over lunch so she isn’t so bad.
-
Charlotte is a TA in Aine's second year English Lit class.
Aine loves arguing with her more than she should and it peaks when they run into Shona, walking towards Charlotte's building for office hours after class.
"You know," Aine grins, when Shona is past them. "If I'd known you were gay, I would've set you up with my sister earlier."
"Oh, fuck off."
-
Aine is positive they're going to die in universe #77.
"This cannot be Earth," Shona mutters.
Everything is dark and muted and tinged blue. It's hard to see more than a foot ahead and Aine grabs Shona's hand. They keep walking, slowly, the ground weeks unstable, and Aine nearly trips over a rock.
Shona snorts at her, pulling her up right before she hits the ground, and Aine glares. People start running past them, like they're trying to be quiet, nobody saying anything. Everyone is dressed in purple robes and they stand out, but the next time Aine looks at Shona, they suddenly match.
"This is fucked up," Aine says. "Should we just try to sleep now?"
"What if we wake up on whatever fucking planet this is in our universe?"
"It seems like pluto," Aine decides.
"Not a planet," Shona says. "Should we run?"
Aine shrugs and opens her mouth, but then someone is stopping in front of them. It's Charlotte and she frowns at them, "I thought you already went back? What happened?" She grabs Shona's hand and tugs them forward. Aine can see something glowing in the distant, a screen that shimmers neon green.
"Um," Shona blinks. "We had to help someone?"
Charlotte nods, "Okay, Brad's already on the other side, I thought you went with him but we should be -"
There's a crack that Aine hopes is thunder. Charlotte winces, "We should probably run."
Running feels easier on this planet, like less oxygen is required, and they stop in front of the screen. There's a woman on either side of it, waving people through, and they both give them looks. "Didn't you two already go?"
"No," Aine says. "Or else we wouldn't be here." She tries for a smile.
"Just go," Charlotte says. "I'll follow."
"You go," Aine mutters.
"You go first."
"You're the oldest."
"You're the youngest."
"Guys," Charlotte whines. "Please?"
Shona sighs and steps through. She disappears and Aine frowns, "What is this again?"
"A portal," Charlotte says. "Aine, don't you - just go, we have to get back."
"Back where?"
"Oh my God," Charlotte frowns. "Did they wipe your mind or something?" She grabs Aine's hand and steps first, pulling her through. It is much better than traveling through a mirror. It feels like stepping through a sheet of water but she's still dry on the other side. It looks a lot more like Earth and she relaxes, looking for Shona.
Charlotte finds her first, kissing her quickly before heading to talk to someone who doesn't look familiar at all. There's less people on this side, most of whom look like they work for the FBI, and Aine hesitates. "We should probably go before they realize there's like at least two of us."
"At least?" Shona hisses. "Brad's in the next room, I think. We can just - go, right?"
"Yeah," Aine nods. "Let's."
They end up in a hotel, ordering room service, and eating while trying to figure out what the other planet was. They turn the news on and watch as Charlotte gives an update, standing behind a podium, and changed into a suit. The update mentions Supergirl and human trafficking, another planet that is no longer an issue, and a promise that there's no more portals.
Shona frowns, "I think we should go home."
-
Aine teaches kindergarten and Brad has a daughter in her class. She doesn't have favourites, but if she did, it'd be her. He volunteers on a field trip to the interactive science museum and Aine asks Shona about rules of dating the parents of students.
"She's in kindergarten," Shona shrugs. "I don't think dating her dad is going to be an advantage for her finger painting grade."
"There's like three weeks left of school," Charlotte adds. "Just ask him out after."
Aine isn't sure about taking advice from two teachers who think that none of their students have any idea they're together. The bets they have aren't even if they're dating, it's if they're married or not. They're all wrong, it's a fifty-fifty split between married and dating, but they've all forgotten that engaged is an option too.
Bradley volunteers for the end of year festival that consists on letting too many students run free in the field behind the school. There's games and stands set up, too many water balloons being thrown and too much cotton candy being eaten, a line up to try and dunk the gym teacher into a tank of water, and stacks of pizza boxes on a table.
Aine knows that Shona and Charlotte planned most of it this year, knows that they were in charge of allocating teachers and volunteers to all the stands, but she can't complain when she spends the entire day working the popcorn stand with Bradley.
He asks her out when the day is finally over, only a few kids still running out their sugar highs. Olivia is sleep in his arms, half her face painted to look like a butterfly.
Aine says yes.
-
In every single universe, it's Charlotte and Shona, Bradley and Aine.
Aine watches how relieved Shona is every time, how she gets the same stupid smile on her face whenever they find proof that she's with Charlotte. It isn't a surprise to her, that much was obvious after Canada, and Aine thinks out of the two of them, she's the one who was more likely to believe in soulmates, even with Shona's secret obsession with rom coms. But she never put as much thought into who her's could be. She didn't have someone in mind when she realized that Shona always married Charlotte. She doesn't know what to think about it always being Brad.
ix.
Shona goes to Aine’s first. She never moved into Vish’s place, but she was about to, had piles of boxes in her room that Charlotte had frowned at the last time she was over, and she can only think of Aine, how fucking far is this place, on the drive back.
Vish had been angry, but not surprised. Shona doesn’t know if he actually knew, but thought it was something passing, something that Shona needed to get over before she got married, something that didn’t matter, or if it didn’t click until she told him, and then all the evidence came rushing back.
They don’t fight, in the end. Vish gave up quicker than she expected and she hates hurting him, hates that he looked at her like he was wrong, that she isn’t who he thought she could be, that she failed. She doesn’t want to be who he wanted, doesn’t want to fit herself into someone else to please him.
The guilt fades by the time she gets to Aine’s. It’s replaced by nervousness, nothing to hide behind now, nothing to use as an excuse.
Shona knocks on Aine’s door and waits. Brad opens it and she startles, remembers diving and family vacations in Spain and Aine, happy.
“You good?” Brad asks.
“Grand,” Shona murmurs. “Is Aine here?”
“She left to go get donuts,” Brad shrugs, stepping back to let her inside. They wait for her on the couch. Shona doesn’t know him that well, but she tries, and if Brad is surprised he doesn’t show it. She likes him, it’s clear that he likes Aine, but she thinks of confirmation bias, and Aine saying the other universes, the other versions of themselves don’t have to matter.
Aine enters the room and something shifts. She smiles, carrying a concerningly large box, and settles it onto the table. Shona is sure that if there wasn’t a tray of coffees on top she would’ve dropped it.
“You good?” Aine asks.
“Yeah,” Shona says.
This part was easy.
-
“Can we go somewhere?” Shona asks.
“Why?”
“I just - I want to know that it’s possible.”
“You already do,” Aine says. “I really don’t think these mean anything. They’re just - things that are happening. They aren’t really us.”
“Are you just saying that because you fall in love with Brad in every fucking universe but you’re seeing someone else now?”
“No,” Aine says, slower. “I don’t think I’m seeing someone anymore.”
“What?” Shona frowns. She sits up properly. They ate too many donuts and spent the rest of the day rotating through worse and worse tv shows until Brad had to leave for work. “Why didn’t you tell me?
“You had a lot going on,” Aine mutters. “You didn’t tell me you were fucking Charlotte on the side.”
Shona flinches, “I didn’t - that’s not the same.” She pauses, then smacks Aine’s calf before standing up. She goes into the kitchen and grabs two glasses, filling them with water and finishing half of her’s before heading back.
“I don’t know what I want,” Aine says, when Shona sits back down. She holds the glass like it’s bigger than it is, fingers wrapped around it and interlocked. “Richard told Etienne about us but he didn’t - I don’t even know what he really told him and he - he thinks I talk too much.” She sighs, “But not in like, a fun way, you know? So, I don’t know. I wanted space and then I find this fucking mirror and suddenly it feels like a really obtuse sign from fucking God or something.”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Shona parrots.
“Maybe,” Aine shrugs. “Do you want to go now?”
-
Aine wakes up alone.
It feels different than the last ones. She knows this room, it’s Shona’s, clothes everywhere, half of them her’s, the same bedding, the same gap between the blinds. She frowns, unsure if she should be concerned that Shona is missing, her Shona, but she hears her voice, like she’s trying to be quiet and failing. She slips out of bed and steals a hoodie.
The hallway looks the same, missing a few pictures that haven’t been replaced yet, but she can see the couch, the kitchen table, the stack of DVDs on the tv stand even though Shona’s DVD player has been broken for years.
Shona is sitting at the kitchen table. It’s so familiar, to the first time Aine went to a different universe and to her actual life, that she stares at her, frozen. She can see the back of Charlotte’s head and then she turns, smiling, carefully like she’s wary of the response, but it softens into something genuine when Aine smiles back.
“What’s wrong with you?” Shona asks.
“Nothing,” Aine says. “Did you make me food?”
“French toast,” Charlotte offers.
Aine raises an eyebrow, but sits down and reaches for the bottle of syrup. It feels new, slightly off, but she can’t pinpoint why. She’s sure that it’s not her Shona, not the one who knows about parallel universes, but it feels the closest to her own.
It’s easier to get a hold of than the other places she’s been, Charlotte isn’t comfortable around her yet, that much is obvious, and Shona keeps glancing between them like if she doesn’t have a gage on their emotional states at every second she’s going to lose her mind.
They all relax eventually. Shona slips away to go make more coffee, even though she still checks over her shoulder every ten seconds, and Aine rolls her eyes.
“I wanted to apologize,” Charlotte says. Aine focuses on her, waiting, and checks to see if Shona is still staring at them. She isn’t, muttering curses at the espresso machine, and Aine nods.
“I thought Freddie knew already and that you two were closer than you were,” Charlotte says. “I never meant to - I didn’t want to hurt you, or tell him a secret or anything, I didn’t mean to break your trust - or Shona’s.”
“I know,” Aine says, simply. Charlotte frowns at her, like she didn’t expect to be off the hook so easily, and Aine shrugs, “Thanks for apologizing though. I appreciate it but honestly, Charlotte, if you ever do something stupid again, just make them french toast and they’ll forgive you for anything.”
Charlotte laughs, startled, and Aine watches Shona look over, a pleased smile settling over her face, and Aine feels like everything is going to be okay.
-
When she wakes up again, she’s back on the couch, and Shona is glaring at her. “Where the fuck did you go?”
“What?” Aine frowns. “Where did you go? I spent the entire day with you and Charlotte, it was quite nice actually.”
“Oh my God,” Shona groans. “I got stuck volunteering at a fucking footy fundraiser with Brad. Do you know how bad I am at sports, Aine? Do you?”
“I remember,” Aine grins, “What’d you do?”
“Nothing!” Shona says. “I was supposed to pass balls to the kids so they could fucking kick them or something, but I have no aim, and they wouldn’t let me throw them instead.” She sighs, sinking back into the couch, “He put me on juice box duty.”
Aine snorts, “I bet you were a great water girl.”
“Fuck off,” Shona mutters. “He definitely likes you though, it was - he wasn’t subtle.”
“In what world would you and him hang out all day anyway,” Aine says.
“You were there,” Shona says. “I don’t know how it works, but you mostly just cheered whenever a kid finally got a fucking ball into the net, which I know that’s what you’re supposed to do, but God, it barely happened.”
Aine hums, “When are you going to talk to Charlotte? In this universe?”
“Soon,” Shona shrugs. “She said we could hang out this weekend.”
“Hang out,” Aine repeats. “What are you? Sixteen?”
“I don’t know what she’d want,” Shona says. “Like, if I show up with fucking flowers and like bring my own candles or something, I think she’d laugh in my face.”
“I think she just wants you to be honest,” Aine says. “She really likes you, I truly don’t know what she sees, but -”
Shona tackles her, water sloshing out of the glass, and Aine whines, trying to kick her away. “It is so rude to attack someone without warning,” Aine huffs. “I know you need the advantage, but Jesus, learn the fucking rules.”
“Don’t bring up rules like they mean anything,” Shona mutters. She stops moving anyway, sliding between Aine and the back of the couch until Aine is almost slipping off. She adjusts and rolls her eyes, messing Shona’s hair up just to be annoying, before going still.
“You didn’t lose her,” Aine says, softer. “I’m pretty sure that universe was closer to our timeline even though I think you were a vet in that one, which is insane, because you think pets are stupid.”
“Okay, it’s literally insane though, like - who made that decision? What if they don’t want to live with you?”
“Charlotte likes cats,” Aine points out. “You’re going to end up with at least five of them. A walking stereotype.”
“Don’t be offensive,” Shona says, fake haughty and flicks her cheek. “My limit is one.”
x.
Charlotte opens the door before Shona has a chance to knock, pacing for at least five minutes while she tries to think about where to start. One of Charlotte's neighbours let her through the front door, an older woman named Carla who's always assumed that she's Charlotte's girlfriend, who gave her a look and then smiled, "Good to see you back."
Charlotte raises an eyebrow and Shona flushes, “I was just - thinking.”
“Right,” Charlotte nods. She heads straight for the living room and Shona takes a deep breath. She tries to remember that it's a good sign that Charlotte agreed to let her come over, that she isn't ignoring her, but she doesn't know where to start. She debated stealing the mirror from Aine's place but that felt like cheating. She doesn't want Charlotte to think that it took an entire system of universes where they're in love to convince her because it isn't true.
Fundamentally, it started so slowly that Shona can pinpoint when things changed. She knows that they did, that at some point she went from being resigned and settled into the idea that she was going to marry Vish, eventually, that she could push it off but there'd be a juncture where her life would shift into something she didn't want. Charlotte changed that or maybe she didn't, but she made Shona realize that there was a choice, that she didn't have to marry him because she felt like it was fair, that someone could love her for who she is, not the potential that she'll become someone else.
"I think I'm in love with you," is what Shona blurts instead.
Charlotte sighs, "Shona -"
"No, I mean -" Shona frowns. "I'm not good at this, talking about feelings, but I - I want to try, okay?"
"Go for it," Charlotte says. She settles into the corner of the couch. There's a wine bottle open on the table, two glasses, one of them filled, and Charlotte tucks her knees against her chest. She looks smaller. She looks exhausted and wary and hurt and Shona knows it's her fault, that she spent weeks trying to convince herself that Charlotte was someone she needed to get out of her system, that eventually the energy between them would tamp down, and Shona would return back to her normal life without question. She doesn't want to. She doesn't think it's going to fade, maybe transform into something different, something more stable that's not as electric and prone to sparks.
"I never wanted to marry Vish," Shona says. She paces, too wired to sit, and she doesn't think she can look Charlotte in the eyes, and tell her everything at once. "I thought it was my only choice or that I was supposed to do it, that love wasn't supposed to be this huge big thing, that it could just be a decision to be with someone, because there wasn't anything better and I was tired of people asking, of my mam being worried that I was going to die alone, or that I was stringing him on, because he was obvious about it. He would've married me a year ago and I don't think it had anything to do with me."
Shona stops by the window. It's pale evening light before it slips into darkness. She can see a park, the one that Charlotte runs around when nobody but God should be awake, and she continues, "I didn't expect to fall in love with you. I didn't even realize it was happening and then you kissed me and we - we started sleeping together, but I was so confused and I didn't think I could choose you, and I know that's not fair, and that I hurt you and that I lied to you, but I had to figure my own shit out, and I don't know if I did, perfectly, but I know I want you, I want to be with you, and only you, and I broke up with Vish, and I'm in love with you, I'm so sure of that, it's really the only thing I am sure about, and I get if you don't want to be with me or if you want me to fight for you because I will, but I just - I need you to know that I love you."
"Shona," Charlotte says, so deliberate it sounds like her name could break. Shona turns to look at her. She feels shaky like she just jumped through a mirror into another universe, over and over again until her atoms aren't tuned into reality anymore. "Come here," Charlotte adds, softer.
Shona sinks down onto the couch beside her. Charlotte draws her closer and Shona doesn't fight it. Her hands are cold and her hair smells like honey and Shona knows, even if she hadn’t seen the other versions of themselves, that this is where she’s meant to be.
"Are you sure?" Charlotte asks.
"Yes," Shona nods. "I love you." It's easier to say than she expected. She never quite liked throwing it around as much as Vish did, felt like it was held as proof of something, that it could be taken away as easily as it could be given, but it's different, with Charlotte. Shona means it more than she thinks she can actually get across but Charlotte smiles, her cheeks going pink, and Shona wants to lean up and kiss her, but she can be patient if she thinks it's worth it.
"Okay," Charlotte breathes. "I love you too."
xi.
“You should just tell him,” Shona says.
“You don’t get to be smug because you finally got the girl,” Aine mutters. “And tell him what? Oh hey Brad, I know we’re just buddies but sometimes I think about seeing you naked and then I accidentally started traveling to parallel universes and wow, we fall in love in every single one?”
“Sounds good to me,” Shona grins. “You thought about him before time traveling?”
“It isn’t time traveling,” Aine corrects. “That would change our future now. But whatever, he’s hot, I have eyes, it’s not - it never meant anything.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know!” Aine glares. “I can’t tell if I can’t stop thinking about him because of all the other versions of him or if I actually like him.”
“Confirmation bias,” Shona says, fake serious.
Aine reaches forward and throws a dish cloth at her, “You are the least helpful person I have ever met.”
“Is he still with Emma?”
“No, they broke up again,” Aine says. “And then she got a new job and moved to New Brunswick.”
“You can just try, you know,” Shona says. “It’s not like you have to go up with him and ask him to marry you. Ask him out, see what happens, I think you can still be friends if it doesn’t click.”
“Oh, do you now?” Aine mutters. “Like it’s that easy.”
“I didn’t say it was easy,” Shona says. “It’d be worth it though.”
“Yeah,” Aine frowns. “Maybe.”
-
Aine gets home later than expected. Etienne is still angry with her and she gets it, but she can’t exactly say, your dad told you without telling me and then realized I was too annoying to be worth it immediately after, so she lets Etienne be mad at her, teaches him verb conjugations and stupid English sayings, and he softens.
“There’s pizza in the fridge,” Brad mutters. “How was Richard?”
“I didn’t see him,” Aine says. She grabs two slices and flops down on the couch beside him.
Brad glares at her, “Do you have a serious vendetta against plates?”
“I have a serious vendetta against doing dishes.”
“Doing dishes is easier than cleaning an entire couch after you get tomato sauce everywhere,” Brad says. He grabs his empty plate from the coffee table and pushes it under her slices.
Aine rolls her eyes but takes it from him. “What’s your problem with Richard?”
“I don’t have a problem with him.”
“Right,” Aine drawls. “You just get all pouty whenever he comes up and that’s a coincidence.”
“He’s a dick,” Brad says, simple. “You have shit taste in men, you deserve better.”
“I’m not dating him,” Aine shrugs. “You hated Freddie, too, this sounds like a you problem.” She tries to keep her voice joking, they’re friends and they talk about things, but not about them as a pair.
Brad shifts and Aine manages to lose her balance, shifting so she’s lying back against him. “It isn’t a me problem,” Brad says. “I’m not jealous, if that’s what you’re implying.”
“Are you sure?” Aine asks.
“Aine.”
“I’m just saying, I was thinking that maybe we could get coffee - or something, together.”
“We do that every morning,” Brad points out. His hand is warm against her arm, thumb swiping across the bare skin where her long sleeve rolled up, and she settles back against him.
“Yeah, but not in our fucking apartment,” Aine says.
“Are you trying to ask me out?” Brad asks.
“Only if you say yes,” Aine mutters. “Or else, we can just forget about this and pretend -”
“Yes,” Brad says. “You can take me out.”
“Excuse me, I want to be wooed.”
“You asked me out,” Brad grins. “Maybe I want to be wooed.”
“Fine,” Aine says. “I’ll take you to a restaurant. One that has plates.”
“As opposed to one that doesn’t?”
“I am positive those exist,” Aine says. “We could get tacos and they’re just wrapped in paper, which is not technically a plate.”
“Still better than only using your hands when you’re eating on the couch,” Brad pauses. “Or over the sink.”
“It’s all about technique, Brad, I’ve got it down, I could teach you.”
Brad snorts, “I think I’ll pass, but thank you.”
Aine hums and takes another bite of pizza. They’ve finally settled on an order they both like, identical except one half has pepperoni, and she doesn’t prefer cold pizza, but heating it up would’ve required a plate.
“Tomorrow?” Brad asks.
“What?” Aine turns her attention back to him, ignoring the group of orcas trying to create waves big enough to push a seal off an ice float.
“Our date,” Brad says. “Tomorrow night?”
“Yeah,” Aine smiles. “That sounds good.”