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"Keisuke wanted to give this for you, Chifuyu."
Mrs. Baji smiled, even through her grief, she still looked beautiful as ever. Chifuyu was at loss of words.
"He was a good kid," Mrs. Baji said, still holding the envelope to her chest. "He was one brave, good kid."
Chifuyu couldn't breathe, but he managed to answered, hoping he doesn't sound like he was choked. "He was—he is, Mrs. Baji."
Mrs. Baji took his hand and laid the letter on his palm.
"You take care of yourself, okay, Chifuyu."
Chifuyu nodded. He could feel his hand trembled.
"Keisuke treasured you so much." She said before she bid goodbye. Watching the back of the woman who loved Keisuke Baji disappearing from the hallway, Chifuyu stumbled down.
"What do you write for me, Baji-san?"
—
Dear, Chifuyu
There is no way to make this letter interesting.
But this is it, Chifuyu.
All those tutoring you've done for me, is finally paid off.
This letter is for you.
Tutoring Baji-san was Chifuyu's way to be able to talk to him. After his great saving, Chifuyu couldn't help to feel in debt. So he did what he could do. The Poindexter needed some pointers any way, that Chifuyu could do.
There is no way to make this letter interesting. You probably will find a lot of typos and misspelled words all over the place. I'm not good at writing, but I'm willing to try.
For you.
Because, Chifuyu, you deserve an explanation.
I don't deserve forgiveness, but maybe you can give me a benefit of doubt, at very least.
Chifuyu choked a laughter at that. He did find couple typos already.
But he loved Baji-san's typos. The way he forgot some strokes in some characters, the way he accidentally exchanged words, the way he used expression in the wrong way.
Chifuyu didn't need explanation, he need Baji-san to be alive.
I want to write you a letter without having to confess anything. Because writing confession through letter sounds like a coward thing to do. I want to meet you, to be able to look at your face. Maybe we could grab Peyoung Yakisoba together. No need to split up anymore, I got some cash stashed somewhere.
I want to tell you everything.
I want you to know everything.
But I can't.
Chifuyu could feel tears formed in the corner of his eyes. Oh, how much he would kill to drag Baji-san himself to the nearest Yakisoba restaurant, buying him the most expensive one, telling him to finish the dish on his own. No splitting, because he got money. And Baji-san would laugh and tell him, but splitting Yakisoba is the best part of enjoying it.
Because, Chifuyu, I can't bear to look at you in the eyes.
Not after I laid my hands on you.
Not after your blood had spilled on my fingers.
Not a day passed without me trying to break my own bone for hurting you like that.
Chifuyu wasn't gonna lie. He still had nightmares about that day. The way Baji-san didn't look like himself when he was beating him up. The way Chifuyu had screamed over and over for Baji-san to wake up. The way Baji-san had completely resigned to Valhalla, Chifuyu could barely recognize him anymore.
Chifuyu's worst nightmare was the one where he did not have enough faith on Baji-san, more than the fear that Baji-san didn't have any plan at all.
I want to tell you without having to be in it.
Because being in it means that I'm the villain. I don't consider myself a good guy—by being a delinquent after all, but I know I'm not the bad guy.
I'm not the bad guy, I repeat to myself.
And yet, there are scars on my knuckle, the remnants of your blood that couldn't be washed away.
The wounds would heal, the scars would fade, he wanted to tell Baji-san. And I did it for you. Because I know, I trust my instinct that you have your reasons.
And you did have them.
I'm the villain.
I'm the bad guy.
Why did you trust me so much, Chifuyu?
Why did you not fight me back, that day?
Why did you never once doubt me?
Why didn't you hate me for what I did?
For what I've done to you?
Because I can't, Chifuyu sobbed, feeling his chest tightened. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
I can't hit Baji-san, he remembered he said that to Takemichi.
He truly couldn't.
I didn't tell you anything. We didn't have any deal.
But I always wanted to tell you everything, Chifuyu.
Yet I can't.
Because it's too risky.
Because I can't let someone hurt you for what I'm about to do.
I've told you to trust your friend.
But, am I still yours?
You were always—you always are, Chifuyu could almost feel the weight of Baji-san on his hand, back on that bloody Halloween.
After what I've done?
"Always, Baji-san."
I want to tell you this without having to run to the street, trying to make myself get hit by trucks or something.
I want you to trust me, but maybe you don't have enough faith left for me.
"Never."
And I don't blame you.
I don't, Chifuyu. I deserve that.
"You don't deserve to be dead."
When you read this letter, I hope you are by my side, scolding me, maybe giving me a punch or two for being stupid, reckless, idiot like that.
I hope you are by my side, ready to forgive me when I tell you repeatedly I don't deserve your forgiveness.
I hope, Chifuyu, when you read this letter, I have succeeded doing what I should be doing.
When you read this letter, all my fucked up actions would finally make senses.
And you will understand.
Chifuyu was shaking so bad, he almost crumpled the paper.
"You did, Baji-san, you are succeeded." And he couldn't take it any more.
"But, where are you? Why aren't you here?"
Chifuyu, I can't make this letter longer than it is now. I ran out words. So, maybe we don't need more, yeah?
Uh, Peyoung Yakisoba? On me ?
—Keisuke Baji
At the signature, Chifuyu took a deep breath. Baji-san never broke his promise, and yet he got tons of promises to Chifuyu that he could never fulfill.
Chifuyu got nobody to split his Peyoung Yakisoba with, anymore.
He remembered what Takemichi told him.
Baji-san had suffered so much. Alone. Because he wouldn't let Chifuyu help him. To protect Chifuyu. All those sacrifice won't go in vain.
What did Baji-san say?
I hope, Chifuyu, when you read this letter, I have succeeded doing what I should be doing.
When you read this letter, all my fucked up actions would finally make senses.
And you will understand.
Chifuyu understood.
But, just because you understand, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
What's the point of succeeding if you were not here to witness it, Baji-san?
—fin.