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He refused to let go of his hand, because the both of them shared the fear that if they let go they would be separated again. No matter how dumb or irrational that thought was they couldn't let go of it. Their friends didn't notice or mind, after what Toki had been through for the past several months they couldn't judge the affection between the two guitarists. Skwisgaar felt content despite the trembling fear he still felt, he felt like maybe none of that happened. Maybe he was still home and maybe Toki wasn't alive and sitting beside him. He rest his head on top of the brunette's and a sigh could be heard from his friend who was just barely awake. Even when they arrived back home Toki still wouldn't let go of his hand, the idea bothered him, and Skwisgaar understood it.
In the infirmary Toki sat on the metal table still holding onto the older man's hand. The doctor seemed annoyed by this, by how it made working just a bit harder, but he knew all five of them to be stubborn so he was accustomed to things like this.
Skwisgaar felt sick when he saw just how thin the younger musician had become over time; the bruises and cuts all across his already scarred skin. He noticed it when the other man hung his head allowing his dirtied brown hair to fall over his face, because the way he looked made him feel ashamed. He didn't feel like Skwisgaar should see him and for a moment he just wanted to wrap his arms around himself and hide the damage done to his body, but that would mean letting go and he couldn't get himself to do that.
The damage done could be worse. That's what the doctor said before sending the two out. Skwisgaar knew he really hadn't looked and really didn't seem to give a fuck. Their doctors never seemed to care about all that much of anything despite the millions they were being paid. He ignored the urge to tell the older man off and to tell him to do his job better instead of acting like a bastard, but it had been a long four months.
Instead he guided the dark haired musician through the halls until they arrived to his room. He opened the door and stepped into a room that hadn't had an owner for a long time now, not counting the nights Skwisgaar would wander into Toki's room while he was drunk and lay down on the bed just to cry over what was happening. He never really thought Toki would be in the room again, he really just assumed after a certain amount of time he wouldn't see him at all.
Both of them were more than happy to lay down under the blankets on the twin sized bed. It didn't matter it was too small for either of them or that if Skwisgaar stretched his legs out they hung over the foot of the bed, it didn't matter. They didn't really need or want that much space away from each other. Toki immediately found himself pressed against Skwisgaar, his face buried against his chest and his fingers curled against his upper arm. Skwisgaar kept an arm wrapped around the smaller man's waist, his hand gently rubbing the small of his back. Toki fell asleep immediately, the blond haired man remained awake for some time. At one point before he finally fell into a sleep of his own he found himself crying. He wasn't sure if it was from relief or just all of those months worth of anxiety and fear coming out of him. It scared him that somebody meant this much to him, because love seemed to hurt and he wasn't sure if he was okay with this.
In a few hours he woke up to the sound of soft crying. Toki was lying away from him, tears falling down his cheeks, and he would flinch as if somebody were attacking him. From what the older guitarist could tell his friend was still sleeping.
He placed a hand against his cheek wiping away the tears and attempting to sooth him. Toki placed a hand over top of his keeping his hand in place.
“You're okay.”
“Skwisgaar?”
“Yeah I'm right here, not going anywhere.”
The dark haired man nodded and moved closer until he could feel the taller man's body again. He opened his eyes looking up at him through bleary tear filled eyes, he felt stupid.
“I'm home?”
“Yeah you're home, promise. I won't let anything happen to you again, I mean it.”
Skwisgaar pressed his lips against his forehead, the bridge of his nose, and against his tear stained cheeks. Toki's lips brushed against his and for a second Skwisgaar was sure that his heart had stopped beating.
“I love you.” The blond found himself whispering, his voice light and nervous.
He couldn't look away from him and he wasn't sure that he ever really wanted to. He felt himself shiver when Toki ran his fingertips against his cheek pushing his hair back behind his ear. There was another moment where things just seemed to melt into their own little world when Toki kissed him properly.
Some part of his brain knew they shouldn't. Not after what had happened last night, not after the months before they found each other again. After all of that this shouldn't happen. It was just adrenaline, it was loneliness, and the fear that they wouldn't see each other again if they stopped.
That didn't stop them from kissing or feeling like this was the right thing to do, the thing that they needed to do to remind themselves that this was real, and that nothing would separate them again.