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It was a rare, good, day.
Today was the day Bobby would get his hands on copies of his first solo EP, and Ray couldn’t have been prouder.
They had come so far to get to this point, all of them had. This month marked three and half years since his girlfriend stumbled through the door at two in the morning with this teenaged kid in tow. Her makeup had been running down her face, her hair stuck to her cheeks and neck with sweat, blood and vomit stains on both of their clothes. Bobby didn’t talk for a week straight and Rose wasn’t much better off; so many times in that first month he woke up to her whimpering in her sleep, tossing about or even crying out. Bobby didn’t sleep at all. A week turned into a month, turned into six months, into a year. Over the next few years Ray would watch this traumatized, scared, kid with no real family of his own, struggle with everything from sleeping to being left alone to simply eating and watch as he took on his first jobs. He’d watch as he was finally able to play music again and grew as a musician again with Rose by his side. Then one night Bobby opened for Rose and the Pedal Pushers and an agent had given his card to him. Within a few weeks he had a hit on the radio.
They had things to be excited about, and a weight Ray realized he hadn’t been carrying around had lifted off his shoulders that week. He had taken the night off so he could prepare a proper celebratory dinner (spaghetti, Bobby’s favorite), Rose would be home soon from her waitressing shift and Bobby should be coming through the door any minute.
Then the door burst open and Bobby stormed through, slamming his backpack down. His eyes were wide with fury and dark, clearly fighting tears. Without explanation he began pacing, punching one hand with one fist, and Ray’s chest clinched.
“Hey,” Ray called gently, he raced to stop Bobby from his pacing, leading him to sit on the sofa. “What happened? Did you get the EP?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
He swiped his bag up from the floor, his hands shaking as he struggling more than he should have with the front zipper before taking out a CD and throwing the bag back on the floor. A CD with Bobby’s face and his new stage name Trevor Wilson was thrust at him.
A proud smile crossed Ray’s face and he swallowed hard, determined to not get emotional over this, not when Bobby was so upset. Face hidden in his hands, Bobby shook as he let out a few muffled cries of frustration, kicking at the floor again. Sitting down the CD, he turned to Bobby, placing a hand on the small of his back.
“Bobby, what happened?”
Bobby yanked the CD out of Ray’s hands, crying out with frustration again as he struggled with opening it; the cheap plastic case busted at the force, but he didn’t seem to care. He tore out the lining book that held his song lyrics- Sunset Curve’s song lyrics- and slammed a finger down at the bottom.
All lyrics by Trevor Wilson.
“I guess you can’t give dead kids credit for music they never got copywritten,” Bobby mumbled. “That was the whole fucking point of this. Luke deserves credit for those songs! His parents, they need to know he could have made it. I can’t do this, Ray, I can’t take their legacy. They fucking tricked me.”
He kicked out again, this time sending their cheap Goodwill coffee table skidding across the scratched hardwoods. Ray jumped but forced himself to take a deep breath and not overreact.
“It’s a hard, shady, industry,” Ray offered uselessly.
“I looked over that contract like ten times!” Bobby complained. “They still found a loophole. Now I’m attached to the label, I have to do the album and there’s the possibility of a tour and I just fucking can’t.”
He screamed into his hands, and Ray scooted closer to wrap an arm around him.
“Ven acá,” Ray called to him gently.
At last Bobby let out a sob as he turned to him, burying his head into his chest. Fierce waterfalls of tears poured out, staining Ray’s shirt.
“They worked so hard on those songs,” Bobby sobbed as his hands clenched around Ray’s arms, holding on for dear life. “Their lives were in that music, it meant everything to them, I can’t take that from them!”
There was burning feeling deep in his chest as it took everything to not get on the phone with the record company and scream at them for playing such a cruel trick on a young new artist.
“Maybe Rose can help you find a lawyer,” Ray told him.
“It’s useless,” Bobby sighed. Ray combed his fingers through his dark black strands, attempted to breath low, even breaths that Bobby could mimic. When at last his friend caught his breath, he went on, still mumbling into his shoulder: “There’s nothing I can do. I deserve this.”
“Bobby.”
Gently, he pulled his friend up so that he could look him in the eye, but Bobby’s eyes were closed tightly, his face contorted into an anguish that broke Ray’s heart.
“I shouldn’t have survived,” Bobby whispered, “I don’t deserve to be making music, I definitely don’t deserve to be making their music. This is the universe punishing me.”
Resting his forehead against Ray’s, Bobby breathed out long, hot breaths, trailing off into shudders, overwhelmed with grief.
“Bobby, mi amigo, look at me,” Ray pleaded. His heart skipped beats when Bobby’s tired, heartbroken dark eyes lifted up to meet his. He just looked so done. “You deserve a place in this world. You’ve lost so much, but you’re still here and it’s because you’re so strong and so needed in this world. You’ve made such a difference, to me and Rose. You’ve made us stronger people. I know that you want this, I know how much music means to you and your friends do too. They’re watching over you, Bobby, they’re rooting for you.”
“Luke would be so pissed,” Bobby whispered, closing his eyes tight again.
“Luke would want you guys’ music out there,” Ray assured him, “he would understand. He would want you to be happy.”
“I don’t deserve happiness.”
They were impossibly close; it was making Ray’s heart pound as adrenaline flowed through his veins. Becoming a pro at talking his best friend down wasn’t something he had expected to be at twenty-five years old, but he was pretty sure he could teach psychology classes with all he had learned about grief and mental health these past few years.
It had been a while since he had seen Bobby break down this hard.
“You deserve to tell your story,” Ray whispered. “You deserve to see your friends through this, even if only you know who the songs are about.”
“I can’t. I can’t do this by myself.”
“You can,” he insisted. “And you won’t be alone. Rose and I will know who you’re doing this for, you know who you’re doing this for, and the guys will too. Lo te prometo.”
A strangle sob escaped Bobby as he threw his arms around him again, clinging to him as he planted his face into his chest and Ray wrapped his arms around is back.
“It’s okay,” Ray whispered against his ear. “It’s going to be okay.”
For a long moment Ray simply held him, letting him cry out the last of his tears into his shirt. Sometimes, he thought, it wasn’t the size of the one-bedroom apartment with three people living it that was suffocating but the amount of grief their home had seen. Ray couldn’t wait until they could afford to start anew, to get them out of here. They were the talk of the neighbors, he knew: the young trio that lived on the far end of the hall. The couple who took in some random teenager, who could stay holed up inside for days on ends. Ray knew they heard the shouts of pain that would cry out from their nightmares at two in the morning or Rose playing piano in the middle of the night, to calm all of their nerves.
This life was draining, but all the same it felt like fate, like he and Rose were meant to find Bobby and help him.
Bobby gently peeled himself away from Ray, stiff and sweaty, his face too pale. Their eyes met, Bobby’s tired and desperate. Ray expected him to declare that he just wanted to go to bed. He expected he might request they turn on the TV, turn on anything that could drown out the pain.
Ray didn’t expect Bobby to kiss him.
The kiss happened so fast he couldn’t think, he couldn’t move. His whole world stopped. Bobby’s hands clutched to his arms as his chapped lips grazed his once, twice, and…Ray kissed back. He really didn’t mean to; it was almost instinctive. In the strangest way, it was like he knew this was what Bobby needed right now. He needed to know he was this wanted in the world, how loved he was. So he kissed back, and it was like his brain totally went offline.
As soon as he felt Bobby’s lips part open, his breathing impossibly raspy and hot, his friend pulled away, eyes wide with horror. Ray stared, his heart pounding out of control as his brain began to come back online.
He just kissed Bobby.
Bobby kissed him first, but he kissed back and he just kissed someone not Rose.
He just kissed another guy.
“I’m sorry,” Bobby choked out in a pained whisper.
He leapt away from Ray who reached out, not wanting Bobby to bolt, no matter how bad this was. Bobby’s chest heaved up and down, his necklace dangled from his neck as they both stared at each other, no clue where to go from here.
“Do you have feelings for me?” Ray finally breathed.
“It was just,” Bobby blurted out, stopping short to catch his breath, “it was nothing, I was upset, I’m sorry.”
The apology burst out of him almost as whine as Bobby jerked forcefully away from him, but Ray quickly grabbed him in return.
Ray had to know. Before Bobby shut down completely, he had to know. He thought of all those nights Bobby cuddled up with them, treating him and Rose almost like an extension of himself. He knew Bobby used to be that physically close with his friends and was used to that kind of connection, and Ray knew he could speak for Rose by admitting it was something they had come to love about having Bobby in their lives.
Did Bobby want more, all that time?
…did he want to give him more?
“Do you have feelings for me?” Ray asked again.
At last, Bobby jerked away from him again, grabbing his backpack in one swoop as he fled the apartment, and Ray collapsed back onto the sofa.
That’s how Rose found him an hour later, head buried in his arms. She gave his arm a soft poke, and his head pounded as he straightened up to find her was staring at him, concerned. His heart dropped, already he could feel his life crumbling around him as he tried to find a way to explain himself to Rose.
Beautiful Rose, who he had been with almost five years now.
Wonderful Rose who, who had been so patient with him and agreed they should build their careers and have things like money before getting married and having kids, no matter how much their families harassed them.
Rose, who had always assured him that all she needed in this world was him.
I don’t deserve her.
“Where’s Bobby? Did he get held up at the label?” Rose asked.
He was pretty sure if he opened his mouth he was going to throw up, so Ray swallowed hard as he set up. Rose sank down on the sofa beside him, running a hand through his short hair as she gazed at him.
“Ray, talk to me,” she pleaded. “What happened?”
“Bobby kissed me.”
Holding his breath, a cold sweat washed over as he watched for her reaction, but Rose, of course, simply bit her lip, unable to keep the bemused smile from crossing her face.
“Excuse me?”
“He was really upset,” Ray began, “the label, they won’t let him credit Sunset Curve for the music. The EP only credits Trevor Wilson for the lyrics.”
“Oh Bobby…”
“He was so upset,” he repeated, “and we…we were close, I was trying to talk him down. And he kissed me.”
Rose blinked, taking that in, but it was her only reaction until she finally asked:
“Did you kiss him back?”
His stomach twisted into knots and his whole body felt a bit numb. All he could do was give her the truth. If she left him, he deserved it.
“Yeah,” he finally admitted. “It didn’t mean anything, Rose.”
“Are you sure?” She challenged, not skipping a beat.
Ray stared at her, unable to read if she was pissed, confused or still simply amused by it all. He wasn’t sure which felt more frustrating.
“I can go,” he offered, trying to get up but she jumped up with him, grabbing his arm, holding him in place.
“Ray Molina, have given you my entire life these past five years. You are everything to me, you’re not getting away that easy.”
There was actually empathy in her eyes and it made him sick with guilt. Somehow her trying to understand only tried to make it worse. Her hand brushed down his arm until she could take his hand, locking their fingers together.
“Do you have feelings for him?” She asked quietly.
He hesitated.
Bobby hadn’t even answered the question to him, how was he supposed to know himself?
But deep down, he did know.
Ray knew that with Bobby, things were different. He wasn’t just another friend. Bobby was apart of him, apart of him and Rose, and he had never understood what those feelings meant until now.
Ray nodded.
“I think I do, Rose.”
His voice was impossibly tight, and thick, sour bile was trying to race its way up his esophagus. He felt faint, and Rose…
Rose hugged him.
“Oh thank god,” she sighed.
“What?!”
He pulled away to find her smiling brightly, her eyes twinkling in that very Rose way of hers, like she could look directly into his soul and read him in a heartbeat.
“Come on, it’s always been painfully obvious you weren’t all the way straight,” Rose accused, then quickly assured him: “You know I’ve been with women before, you know that’s not going to bother me, but I definitely noticed.”
Jaw falling open, Ray’s hand flew to the back of his neck, trying to message out the tension building there as he stammered awkwardly over his words.
“I…I…how?!” He squawked. He was beginning to feel like he didn’t know himself at all. “What did you notice because it wasn’t obvious to me! I’ve never liked men before!”
“You didn’t realize you liked men before,” she pointed out, waving a finger at him. “It’s okay, I wasn’t really totally sure either, I’ve just…always noticed.”
“Noticed what?!”
“Things!” She shrugged. “You and Bobby are really close, Ray. He sleeps in our bed with us sometimes. Most men wouldn’t be okay with that.”
“So now I’m gay because I’m nice?”
“No!” She groaned, placing a hand on his shoulder to guide him back to the sofa. Which was probably for the best because his heart was pounding so fast, he wasn’t sure how it was staying in his chest. “I didn’t say I think you’re gay, I think you like women and men. At the least, I think you like Bobby. I’ve always noticed how you look at him, Ray. Your eyes light up when he comes home and when he’s scared and not doing well, it shakes you to your core. He means something to you, and I think it’s something more than just friends.”
He wished what she said didn’t make so much sense, but Ray knew Rose was right (as always). His heart skipped beats around Bobby like it did with Rose. If he hadn’t been so caught up in the day-to-day struggle of keeping Bobby alive and well that first year, he might have noticed that maybe the way he felt about him was similar to how he felt the first time he met Rose. It wasn’t that Bobby had changed their lives or made them stronger, it was that he couldn’t picture their life without Bobby in it.
“Ray, say something,” Rose pleaded. “I promise I’m not going to judge you.”
“I think I like him, Rose,” he blurted out. “Oh my god.”
With a groan he threw himself back against the cushions, burying his face in his arms and wishing he could disappear to anywhere but here.
“I still love you,” he declared, “you’re everything to me, Rose, I love you. I don’t understand what this means.”
Her eyes sparkled as they searched his, and somehow, he had the weird feeling that she had been preparing for this. It wasn’t just that she had caught hints that maybe his feelings for Bobby weren’t all the way platonic, she had prepared herself for the day he would figure that out.
“Can I tell you a secret?” She asked.
He nodded, and she leaned in, whispering directly into his ear:
“I like him too.”
And she laughed again, practically drunk with happiness as she collapsed against him, burying her head in his shoulder, like her confession solved everything. But he felt more confused than ever.
He felt like he was in some bizarre nightmare.
Maybe he had never made dinner, maybe he was still napping on the couch.
Maybe their apartment had some crazy carbon monoxide leak and they had all lost their minds from poisoning (stranger things happened in L.A.).
“I haven’t liked him all this time,” she promised, “it wasn’t like his atrocious flirting worked on me that night or anything. I’ve just felt something different for him for a while, and I thought maybe you did too but I hoped you’d get there on your own. I can’t explain it, it’s like there’s something different about his soul, you know? When it’s us three it’s like…it’s us against the world.”
“Yeah,” Ray agreed, “yeah, I feel that too.”
“It’s like…” she bit her lip, hesitating as she chose her words carefully, eloquently. Because Rose never did anything less than perfect. “When we’re with him, I never want our time together to end. It feels like he’s apart of us. I think, deep down, we both know there’s a reason we haven’t gotten married yet.”
“Because we’re broke?” Ray offered.
“Because we know there’s another piece to our puzzle,” she stated softly, “and his name is Bobby. Or Trevor, I’m still confused about that.”
Ray snorted.
“I guess Trevor does sound a bit more grown up,” he mused.
“It sounds edgier,” she stated, then shook her head, going back on topic. “Face it, Ray, we need him as much as he needs us.”
Closing his eyes, Ray tried not to think of Bobby out there in downtown L.A. right now. Likely alone. Likely all kinds of confused, even more so than they were right now. He did have his haunts though; Ray could probably track him down within the hour if he tried. He had done it before.
“I should go look for him. Maybe he went to the library…”
The library was Bobby’s favorite haunts- I like getting lost in the silence. It’s an entire building whose whole purpose is letting you escape. But it was late, and the library was closed, he realized.
Rose shook her head then buried her face against his shoulder once again. His arm snaked around her, his fingers coming up to brush through her curls.
“Give him time,” she stated.
Her hand lingered on his chest, the two of them curled up so close, both of them afraid to be anything but together right now. But Ray knew he’d go insane if they simply waited on the sofa for Bobby to come back, possibly for hours.
“I guess we could still eat dinner,” he offered, “I’d hate for all of that effort to go to waste.”
“Ray, you made spaghetti.”
“And it was a lot of effort!” He whined. “The pot boiled over, twice!”
With a groan, Rose sat up, combing out her hair with her hands as she shook her head.
“I can’t believe I have two gorgeous men in my life and both of them are complete disasters,” she teased.
“That’s why we both need you,” he declared as he let her help him up, “and as much as you make fun of my cooking, you still happily eat all the food anyway.”
“Well, I can’t starve.”
Rose cupped his cheek, meeting his eyes before leaning forward to capture him in a sweet kiss, as they had done thousands of times.
He was so confused.
“We’ll talk to him,” Rose promised, “as soon as he gets home.”
The hours ticked on after dinner and Bobby hadn’t come home. They went to bed, Rose insisting that they have to give him space, insisting he would come home (he always does) but Ray couldn’t sleep. His whole body felt flush with anticipation, his mind racing as the clock ticked on and on, wondering what would happen when Bobby did come home.
Would they kiss again?
Would Bobby want to kiss Rose?
Would he run out on them, for good?
There was a soft knock on their bedroom door, and Rose sat up with him. Bobby stood with his hands stuffed in his pockets, his jacket loose around his shoulders and shivering slightly, like he had been out in the cool night air this whole time.
“I can’t be alone right now.”
The quiet voice cut innocently into the still night and it tore Ray’s heart in two. Rose opened her arms, motioning for him to join them. He kicked off his shoes, shrugged off his backpack and climbed up on the bed, but he sat in front of them this time, not between them.
“I’m sorry,” Bobby muttered, not meeting their eyes, “I ruined everything.”
“You ruined nothing, mi amor,” Rose promised, “Ray and I talked.”
“I never answered your question,” Bobby said. His tired, red-rimmed eyes looked up to Ray, and he swallowed nervously. “I like you, Ray. I wish I didn’t. You guys have done nothing but been amazing to me, you’re the only family I’ve got and I wish I didn’t like you but I do. And it’s not some stupid little crush, I really like you. I have entire fucking songs written about you.”
Ray sucked in a breath; it felt like there was a fist around his heart.
“You do?”
Bobby nodded, helpless.
Then he turned to Rose.
“The thing is…” he drew in a deep breath, then confessed all in one go: “I like you too, Rose. And not because I flirted with you or anything I mean, no offense but I was eighteen year old wanna-be rockstar, I basically flirted with anything that had eyes. But I like you. You’re one of the best people I know, and I’m so jealous that Ray gets you all to himself that it makes me sick sometimes. But I can deal with it because at least I get to call you my friend, not that I’m sure you want me to do that anymore after what I did.”
Rose’s lips turned up in a kind smile, her eyes shining in the darkness as she shifted in bed so that she could scoot closer to Bobby.
“Can I ask you a serious question?”
Bobby nodded.
“How fucking high are you right now? Because this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk.”
Their friend actually snorted, and it was the closest thing to a pure laugh Ray had heard from him in a while. It was gorgeous, the smile that followed was gorgeous and it made his soul soar in the same way that Rose’s laugh and smile did and oh my god I’m in so much trouble.
“I’m not,” he whined. “I promise. I’m really, really not. I’m not drunk either. All I did was go for a really long walk.”
“Let me smell your breath.”
“Rose!”
“Rose,” Ray cut in, playfully swatting her away from him.
“I just…” Bobby stopped short, closing his eyes, his smile gone, the desperation returned. “I was at the end of my rope today. I felt so alone, but as lost and angry as I felt, I knew I needed to go home. I knew I had somewhere to be, some people to be with. I haven’t felt this close to anyone except for the guys. It’s really hard for me to let anyone in, but I’ve let you guys like…all the way in. You guys are like my whole life, and it scares me, because I know I can’t have you in that way.”
“Why not?” Rose asked.
Bobby blinked, and Ray watched her too, impressed with how casually she was handling this.
“What?” Bobby asked.
“Why can’t you have both of us?” Rose challenged. He looked between the couple, like he was wondering if they were pranking him. “We’re serious, Bobby. That must have been some kiss because you made Ray realize he feels all kinds of ways about you, and I…I like you. I could like you, like that, if you’d let me.”
Breathing harsh and uneven breaths, Bobby dared to turn to Ray, who nodded in agreement with his girlfriend. A burning feeling ripped through his chest; he was pretty sure no amount of high school teenaged hormones could have topped the confusion and adrenaline, desire and desperation he felt right now. His first instinct was thinking this should feel wrong, but it just didn’t. He wanted both of them, and so did Rose.
“Same,” Ray echoed simply.
It felt like the world was rushing around them and it felt like they were completely alone in the universe all at the same time. Bobby looked over to Rose and asked:
“You’re really okay with this?”
Nodding, Rose replied, her voice a gentle whisper in the dark bedroom:
“You mean the world to us, Bobby.”
Rose reached up to carefully pull Bobby down between them, and they both curled toward him, wrapping arms around him to make sure he knew they meant it. Bobby gazed at Rose, eyes full of wander as though mesmerized by the idea that she got to be his now too, and Ray should have felt jealous but instead he felt excited for them, for this new future together.
“Can I kiss you?” Bobby asked Rose, his voice gentler than Ray had heard it before.
His girlfriend stole a glance to him, though to silently ask are you sure?
Nodding, Ray held his breath as he watched Bobby shift so that he could sit halfway up, leaning over Rose a bit as he stared down at her, their eyes shining as they met for a long moment. Then Bobby lowered himself down, just enough to capture her in a slow, gentle kiss. His stomach did flip-flops as his chest tightened as he watched, and he really shouldn’t have been okay with this but they looked perfect together and it felt right.
“Wow,” Bobby whispered as he lifted up, eyes blown wide.
“Why did she got a wow and I got ran out on?” Ray teased.
Bobby choked out a surprise laugh, wasting no time in shifting so that he could turn to Ray next. Their eyes met, and he was pretty sure he had stopped breathing altogether. Even if he knew what to say he couldn’t have possibly physically have formed words. Instead, he let himself give into the moment, surging forward to kiss Bobby once again. The kiss was fierce this time, like Bobby was determined to impress, determined to keep him. Ray’s hand clutched at the comforter at first but as he eased into the kiss, he moved it to rest on Bobby’s arm, taking in for the first time how fit he had become over the past few years. Giving his arm a gentle squeeze, Ray dared to take control, slipping his tongue into his mouth to explore, to taste for the first time.
When at last they drew apart they were both breathless.
“Wow,” was all Ray could manage, and Bobby just laughed.
“Yeah,” Bobby whispered, “I’m so fucking confused.”
Rose let out a bark of laughter from where she lay on the bed, watching them, and pulled them both down so they could cuddle beside her.
“You’re going to be okay, Bobby,” Rose promised him, planting a kiss to his cheek.
They gravitated closer together, Ray draping an arm across both of them as Rose did the same so they could hold Bobby close. Bobby’s eyes drifted between them, trying to understand.
“What does this mean?” Bobby finally asked them in a small voice.
Leaning forward, Ray planted a kiss to Bobby’s forehead, then to his cheek and took one of his hands.
“I think,” Ray murmured, “it means the neighbors are going to start talking about us a lot more.”
A smile crept across Bobby’s face and for the first time in a long time, he looked completely at ease, he looked hopeful, as he replied:
“Then I say…let them talk.”