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Deanna Winchester feels like she has been in love with Castiel Novak ever since he first approached her age 4 and earned himself a punch for telling her that she wasn’t allowed to colour in the sky green and the grass blue because that’s not how it is. She didn’t actually fall in love with him then, of course, but that was the beginning. And every day since then they have grown closer and closer over the last decade and a half until this moment, the inevitable New Years party, where he is falling onto her lips at midnight and then she is falling into his bed. This first kiss, fuelled on his part by too much alcohol and on hers by too little love, is a long way from perfection but neither of them can really bring themselves to care.
All Deanna really remembers from that night is snippets. Charlie grinning as she pulls away from her girlfriend just long enough to slip a condom into Dee’s hand. Sammy’s boyfriend Gabe winking lewdly as they push past him on the stairs. Cas’s lips warm and chapped on hers. The soft press of his fingers between her legs followed by his tongue. The weight of his body above her as he pushes inside. Hearing him moan her name, but more than that, actually feeling his chest vibrate with it. Knowing that he is waiting for her to come before he does. Feeling whole when he bends his head down to kiss the hickeys on her neck as she tangles fingers in his hair.
Waking the next morning is not pleasant. Her head aches like nothing else and there is not enough coffee in all the world to really wake her up properly, but then Cas snakes an arm around her waist and presses a kiss to the back of her neck and okay that doesn’t make her head hurt any less but it lets her know that he is feeling just as crappy as she is and somehow that is comforting. Eventually Sammy takes pity on them and brings them up plates of almost-burnt toast and badly made coffee and Deanna is pretty sure she’s never tasted anything so wonderful.
Charlie of course wants the entire story, gory details included, so Dee tells her most things. She doesn’t mention that it was just sex to Cas, doesn’t mention that he thinks it was just sex to her, doesn’t mention that god it was so much more than that. And a few days later, when Cas turns up on her doorstep after a huge fight with his parents over his scholarship applications, she lets him in and leads him upstairs, kisses pressing into his skin like promises that only she can hear. He fucks her while she makes love to him.
That was a month ago, and this thing between them has escalated so fast that Dee is feeling almost left behind. They still hang out as friends, still meet for study dates, still play pranks on Gabe and Sammy, but there are differences. These days Cas sometimes stops between laughs to press a kiss to Dee’s cheek, sometimes looks at her as though she is something precious, sometimes sleeps over without ever even mentioning sex. She notices though that his face is often brought together in a sad smile when he pulls away from a kiss or when she catches him unawares. Whatever is bothering him, he’s hiding it well. But then each morning when she brushes her teeth she gazes at herself in the mirror and wonders why she is not happy either. Charlie notices first, then Sammy. But neither of them say anything about it, just give each other looks until Dee is just about ready to explode.
“Are you happy?” Cas asks her one morning, his voice muffled by her hair. “With this? What we have?”
“Of course I am,” she replies, but it sounds hollow and empty. “Are you?”
“Yes,” he says, rolling her over to press their lips together. Because if they are kissing then they don’t have to talk, don’t have to address this problem that is rising between them. Dee wonders how long they can keep this up before she gives in and ruins everything.
Maybe Cas is wondering this too because over the coming weeks they drift apart until one day Dee realises that they are no longer together. She would say that they are broken up, but then again they never actually established what this thing between them is - well, was - so maybe she’s just being melodramatic. She shuts away her feelings behind bad jokes and whiskey stolen from John’s bedside table. She knows that this is not enough. She knows that this will not last.
She is forced to face Cas when Charlie drags him over to where she is sitting at lunch.
“You’re both miserable, you have been ever since New Years, and they two of you are going to talk it out if I have to tie you down and lock you in a cupboard together.”
Dee and Cas share a wary look as Charlie marches away.
“So,” Cas says.
“So,” Deanna replies.
Uneasy seconds are batted back and forth between them while the cafeteria hums.
“What happened to us?” Cas asks suddenly. “We were so close, Dee, we had so much, and then I don’t know one day you just kinda shut down on me or maybe I shut down on you and everything fell apart.”
“I’m sorry, Cas. I guess I wasn’t happy with the whole loveless sex thing,” she says, dully. “Friends with benefits just wasn’t working for me, at all, which is probably because I’ve been in love with you for years, but who knows.”
Dee pushes herself up, feeling like she’s going to be sick. Not that it matters that he knows anymore, they’ve screwed this up anyway.
“Dee,” Cas says softly.
“Save it, Cas,” she snaps.
“No, Dee,” he says, getting up and taking her face in his hands. “Did you really not know?”
“Not know?”
“Look at me. Really look.” And she does, staring back into his eyes. And then she knows. She knows why they have both been so miserable and she feels like laughing because how could they both have been so stupid, thinking they had to give anything up to please the other when really they just both wanted the same thing all along. He kisses her then, soft and sweet, and Dee could not care less that Sammy is wolf whistling or that Charlie is squealing happily because all that matters now is Cas’s lips finally back on hers, this time for all the right reasons.
Deanna Winchester feels like she has been in love with Castiel Novak forever, and the only piece missing was knowing that he loves her too.