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It was getting bad again, Sebastian could tell and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like how dead Kurt looked, how he would just look through you like you weren’t there. He didn’t like how quiet his boyfriend was, he didn’t like how he was always flinching at the slightest touch or the quietest sound. And he knew that it would happen again. That it would come back and that it would be something that they both just have to deal with. That they would have to let it pass but it seemed to be staying longer this time but it broke his heart to see Kurt so sad and empty.
Sebastian didn't even know what it was all about. He had heard from various members of the glee club at McKinley about the bullying his boyfriend had endured and how sometimes Kurt would go into a dark place and that would explain why Kurt acted the way he did sometimes. He just wished he could hear it from Kurt. He wanted to know the full story and he didn’t want any twisted versions, he wanted the truth.
He tried to make it better for him but he knew that there was nothing that he could do to help Kurt which made him feel even worse. He just wished that Kurt would be more open with him so that he could talk it out and then maybe things would be better. He knew that it was hard for Kurt to talk about his feelings with people but he was his boyfriend, they were supposed to talk about stuff like this so they could help each other. But Kurt just expected Sebastian to sit back and for him to wait until he started to feel better and Sebastian couldn’t let himself do that again.
So, he decided to get Kurt alone so he could try to get him to talk to him. He knew that Kurt would be apprehensive about telling Sebastian seeing as he never talked about it with him or anyone else before but Sebastian could be just as stubborn as Kurt could be when he wanted information. And he wanted this information more than he wanted anything else.
He had texted Kurt telling him to meet him in the auditorium during their lunch break for a surprise and was glad that Kurt had texted him back and had agreed to come. Sebastian had then set up a nice, romantic picnic type lunch for them after he had gotten out of his class and waited for Kurt to arrive. He was starting to think that his boyfriend had bailed on him when he saw the smaller boy open the doors and walk into the auditorium onto the stage. Kurt looked around and then laid his eyes on his boyfriend sitting down on the floor on a blanket in the middle of the stage with a picnic basket and a warm, comforting smile.
“What’s all this?” Kurt asked, emotionless. He wasn’t like he didn’t want to have lunch with Sebastian but at the same time that was what it was. He didn’t want Sebastian to question him because he didn’t want to watch his boyfriend’s expression change from hopeful to hurt when he would refuse to open up to him. It’s not like he didn’t want to tell his boyfriend what was going on with him because he knew that if he owed anyone an explanation then it was him. He just didn’t want to get into it. It was hard to explain and he would end up crying and he just didn’t want to be exposed like that. He didn’t want to be vulnerable.
“It’s a picnic,” Sebastian said, smiling as he stood up and took Kurt by the hand, leading him over so they could sit together on the floor. “I thought it’d be nice to have lunch together, just us.”
“Oh,” Kurt said, “That’s nice.” He gave him a small smile and it pained Sebastian to see how fake it was. He wore a smile but his eyes showed something different. They were so blank, it was like they screamed and begged “HELP ME. I NEED HELP.”
“So,” Sebastian said, trying to start up a casual conversation so he could ease Kurt into being more comfortable so he’ll talk to him. “How was your day?” He asked while opening the basket.
“Fine,” Kurt shrugged, looking down at his hands and fidgeting.
“Oh, how was your day Seb?” Sebastian mocked, trying to get a laugh out of Kurt. “Oh my, my day was fine thanks for asking.”
Kurt just looked up at him with a strange expression on his face. ‘So, jokes are a no.’ Sebastian thought to himself.
“I made peanut butter and jelly or there’s cheese,” Sebastian said and offered two sandwiches to Kurt. “Take your pick.”
“No thank you,” Kurt said, pushing the sandwiches away from him. “I’m not hungry.”
“Oh. Okay then,” Sebastian said. He put the sandwiches back in the basket and pushed it aside before scooting over closer to Kurt so he could wrap his arm around his back. He did it slowly to make sure that Kurt knew what he was doing and so Kurt could make it clear that he wasn’t comfortable with the gesture if he wasn’t. Thankfully, Kurt didn’t scoot away from him.
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Sebastian asked him. He decided that it was really now or never and that he should just go for it before it was too late.
“No,” Kurt said as he rested the back of his head on Sebastian's shoulder. “Do you want to talk about anything?” He asked him and Sebastian noticed the extra emphasis on the word “you”.
“Yes, actually there is.” Sebastian told him and held Kurt by the shoulders so they could meet eyes. “I need to talk to you.”
“Seb, I can’t do this…” Kurt started to say but Sebastian cut him off.
“Yes Kurt you can do this.” He said and Kurt broke their eye contact and looked down, ashamed. Sebastian kept his hands on Kurt’s shoulders as he continued talking. “You can talk to me and I need you to talk to me. I’m your boyfriend. I love you and I want to be with you. I want to be with you and I want you to be happy but you aren’t and I need to know why you aren’t. I need to make sure that it’s not me. I need to know who’s causing this so I can…” He paused and noticed the tears that were falling off of Kurt’s face and wiped them with his hand. “... so, I can, I don’t know, beat them up. Yell at them. Whatever you want me to do to them, whatever you need me to do to them, I’ll do it but I need you to talk to me first. Seriously, what’s up with you?”
“It’s nothing, Seb,” Kurt said quietly.
“It’s not nothing Kurt. I don’t think something is nothing when you walk around here like you have no soul, like you aren’t alive. It’s not nothing when I’m scared to touch you because I don’t want to freak you out. It’s not nothing when all your friends keep telling me all these things about you and being bullied and locked in lockers and dumped into dumpsters. It’s not nothing, it’s something and you can’t belittle it.”
“I’m fine, really Sebastian,” Kurt said, looking up to meet Sebastian’s eyes. “It’s nothing that I haven’t dealt with before. It’ll pass.”
“But what if it doesn’t?” Sebastian asked him. “What if you keep telling yourself that it gets better while you keep all your feelings bottled up and then one day it comes back and it stays. It doesn’t go away and you have to live like this…” Sebastian gestured to Kurt crying. “... for the rest of your life. I have to live like this for the rest of my life because no matter how much I hate seeing you like this, no matter how much I hate how stubborn and closed off you are, I still love you Kurt and I still want to be with you for the rest of my life. I just want to be with the old Kurt. The happy, innocent, full of live Kurt that I met when I was trying to steal Blaine from you. The Kurt who wasn’t afraid to go after what he wanted, who was confident and persistent. What happened to him?”
“I don’t know,” Kurt sobbed. “I don’t know where he went.” At this point, Kurt was crying so hard he was shaking and Sebastian leaned into him to hug him.
“Well don’t you want to find him?” Sebastian asked him and Kurt nodded his head while his face was still buried in Sebastian’s shoulder. “Well then talk to me and I’ll help you.”
Kurt pulled away and looked Sebastian straight in the eyes. “It’s not that simple, Seb. It’s complicated and there’s so much to it and trust me I want to tell you…” His voice broke. “... I do and you deserve to know but I don’t know how to tell you.”
Sebastian looked over to the piano that was sitting in the corner on the stage and got an idea. “Well, what if you don’t have to tell me?”
“And how do you suppose that I do that?” Kurt said and Sebastian noticed how there was no sarcasm or eye roll accompanied with the comment which made everything feel ten times worse for him.
“We could sing,” He suggested. “Anything, you can choose but just… I don’t know, make sure that it tells me how you feel.”
Kurt hesitantly looked over to the piano and then back at Sebastian. “Could you help me?”
“Sure, come one.” Sebastian stood up and took Kurt’s hand, pulling him up to stand with him and continued holding his hand as they walked over to the piano bench and sat down.
“Umm… how about I start off on the piano and then I can join in with you?” Kurt suggested and Sebastian nodded. He watched as Kurt started playing the opening notes off the song on the piano and was happy that Kurt was starting to open up to him. Yes maybe it wasn’t ideal for him to sing instead of talk but it was a start.
He started singing, looking right at Kurt who was concentrating on the piano keys.
Hey, slow it down, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
It was like he was asking Kurt what he wanted from him, what he could do to make things better for him but all Kurt was concerned about was how he was affecting him. How hard all of this was for Sebastian and like he didn’t know that all he had to do was talk to him to make him feel better.
There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are, so whataya want from me?
Kurt had a weird way of thinking. When he wasn’t in a bad pace like he was now he acted like he was the best and like everyone should know it. He was so ambitious but he would still find himself bowing down to someone else whether it be bullies or Rachel or Santana. He acted like he knew what he was doing, like he knew what he wanted but he never stood up for himself. Anyone could pick on him and he’d let it roll right off his shoulders but mess with one of his friends and you’d better be prepared to get torn apart. It was like he didn’t care about himself, he had several masks that he wore depending on who he was around and it was tiring to remember which one to wear at which time. Sebastian could see that this was the Kurt without any mask, this was the real Kurt that he fell in love with.
Whataya want from me?
Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Kurt started singing and joined in with Sebastian. It was as if Kurt was explaining to him that he was trying to figure it out and that all he wanted him to do was to stay. All he needed him to do was to keep being his friend and to keep loving him. Whether that was what Kurt really needed him to do or not, Sebastian didn’t mind and he was never going to leave no matter how bad things got.
Hey, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Sebastian kept asking Kurt the question as he sang the lyrics but Kurt only continued to pay attention to the piano. He knew what he wanted from him but he wanted to do more.
Yeah, it's plain to see (It's plain to see)
That baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak, yeah
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly (Perfectly)
Sebastian sang the first half of the verse and then when the second half came along Kurt took over, pausing on the word “freak”, really letting it sink in for the both of them. That’s how he felt. He felt like a freak. One day he was happy, on top of the world and the next day he could wake up and could feel awful, like he had fallen down. And the worst thing was that he never knew when it was going to come or when it was going to do. It was just something that he was forced to deal with and that also meant that the people he loved had to deal with it too. He just wondered why they hadn’t left already even though he appreciated them staying.
Yeah, there might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life
Kurt knew that Sebastian wanted to do more for him and he wanted him to be able to do that but it just wasn’t that simple. There wasn’t anything he could say, anything he could do or anything that he could give him that would magically make everything okay, that’s not how his depression worked. Kurt knew this from previous experiences when he was dating Blaine. Blaine was just like Sebastian only he didn’t have the patience or self-confidence that he possessed. When Kurt would get this way, Blaine would automatically think that it was something he had done and it only made things worse when Kurt wouldn’t talk to him. Blaine became so frustrated and insecure that Kurt was going to leave him that he broke up with Kurt, saying that he didn’t want to keep feeling the way that he felt. Kurt understood, it wasn’t Blaine’s fault and therefore he shouldn’t have to deal with it. They had agreed to stay friends because they didn’t hate each other, they had just… fallen out of love. They weren’t meant for each other because Blaine needed someone who would talk to him and he needed someone who was open and Kurt couldn’t be that for him. Kurt needed someone with patience and someone who would be okay with just being there for him and Blaine couldn’t be that for him. They both knew that Blaine was just the one who called it out and decided that they needed to be with different people. It was okay because Kurt knew that Blaine was happier now and that made him feel slightly better.
Just don't give up, I am workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Kurt started crying again as he sang with Sebastian. He wished that someone could automatically understand him or that someone could read his mind. Then he wouldn’t have to organize his thoughts and he wouldn’t have to get into it all. It was messy. It wasn’t just bullying, it was his life in general. It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful for the things that he had because he was and he knew that he was extremely lucky to have Sebastian and his family and his friends. It was just that no matter how hard he tried to focus on the good things the bad things would fight through to the front of his brain and they wouldn’t leave. All he could think about was the bullying, Karofsky, his mom, homophobia, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failing. Some of the thoughts were more irrational than others but it didn’t stop him from constantly worrying about them. Sometimes he actually had to remind himself to breathe because he overwhelmed himself too much and would hold his breath or would feel like he was loosing air.
Hey, whataya want from me? (Whataya want from me?)
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me? (Whataya want from me?)
Sebastian admired how Kurt was losing himself in the song, how he was so concentrated on the words and the piano. He loved it when Kurt sang. His voice was so unique, like an angel. He had a wide range and could sing both high and low. He also loved how Kurt really connected with whatever he was singing and that he selected songs that he could relate to, not just some random Broadway song that he liked or something that would make him cry (like cough cough Rachel). He just hoped that Kurt was really thinking about these lyrics like he was and that after the sing was over that Kurt would be in a better state so that he could talk to him.
Just don't give up on me
I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down
And so just don't give up, I'm workin' it out
They both hit the high note in the song, Sebastian better than Kurt since Kurt was still crying. Sebastian was never going to give up on trying to help Kurt. He wouldn’t rest until he knew the real reason why Kurt was so unhappy. And Kurt wouldn’t let Sebastian down. One day the time will come and he will be in a good enough place to talk to Sebastian about everything. The day wasn’t today and it probably wouldn’t be the next day either but it would come.
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me?
Sebastian scooted over closer to Kurt as they both continued to sing. It was nice not having an audience to their duet, it made it more special to them. It made it feel like they were the only person that mattered to one another.
Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
They prepared themselves for the end of the song and they both wished that the song would last a little longer so they could think of what they were going to say to one another once it was over. Kurt wanted to tell Sebastian everything but he knew that he couldn’t, he just wasn’t ready. Sebastian wanted to say something encouraging and comforting but he wasn’t sure that it was going to make Kurt feel any better.
Hey, whataya want from me? (Whataya want from me?)
Whataya want from me? (Whataya want from me?)
Whataya want from me? (Whataya want from me?)
Kurt played the last few notes of the song and then they both sat there in silence, letting the song sink in some more. Sebastian wanted Kurt to be the first one to talk but he sensed that it wasn’t going to happen so he made the first move.
“That was nice,” Sebastian said, looking at Kurt who was just zoned out, staring down at the keys. “How do you feel?”
Kurt didn’t seem to notice that his boyfriend was talking to him. He wasn’t aware of his surroundings at all really. He wanted to get better, he wanted to be better. He wanted the feeling of hopelessness and the depressive feeling that was consuming him every day to go away. And he wanted it to stay away, for it to ever come back. But he knew that it would stay for a while longer and then it would disappear just for it to come back much worse. It was an exhausting cycle.
“Kurt?” Sebastian asked and lightly tapped Kurt on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
Sebastian was taken by surprise when Kurt lunged himself at him and hugged him tightly, holding on to him like he was going to lose him. He hugged Kurt back just as tightly and rubbed circles on his back, trying his best to sooth him while he broke down into tears again.
“I’m so sorry Seb,” Kurt cried. “Please don’t leave. I love you so much and I don’t want you to leave me but it’s so hard. It’s so hard and I can’t take it anymore but I can’t talk about it yet. I just can’t.”
“Kurt…” Sebastian started to say. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be ready to talk yet. I just want you to know that I’ll be there for you if and when you are ready to talk. You don’t have to explain yourself to me, I’m not going to force you to tell me what’s wrong. I get that it’s hard, alright and I get that it may be hard to explain but I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to do everything I can to try and make you smile and to try and make you laugh because I love you.”
“But it’s not fair. Why do you still love me when I’m boring and depressing?” Kurt asked him.
“Because that’s not who you are deep down inside babe. Don’t let some bad periods of time in your life define you. Let the moments when you overcome those times define you because it shows who you really are.”
“Who’s that?”
“You’re Kurt Hummel. You’re kind and confident and ambitious. You stand up for people and I only wish that you would stand up for yourself more. You’re funny and entertaining and cute and sexy and you’re my boyfriend and I love you. And I’ll keep loving you and I’ll always be by your side no matter what. I’m not leaving you.”
“Promise?” Kurt asked him and he held out his pinky finger.
“Promise,” Sebastian confirmed, rolling his eyes as he linked pinkies with Kurt.
“I love you so much, Seb,” Kurt told him and kissed his cheek.
“I love you too babe,” Sebastian told him. “Remember that because I always will.”
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