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Dean and classic rock had always gone together. Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath were always presumed to be his favorites. Well, those were John's favorites, and Dean had never given himself the option to like anything else. He learned every lyric for John's sake. He imprinted every note into his mind so he could have the memory of singing along with his dad in the car. Those were some of the only happy memories Dean had with John. After Dean had begun to heal from John's abuse, he just never had time to expand his music taste, and so it had stayed undeveloped and steady for years. Except, for Taylor Swift. Dean loved her. He felt that her older music gave him the teenage experience he never had. He felt that her newer music tore apart his soul. Of course, if you saw Dean listening to her, he would kill you. He couldn't let someone walk around with the information that he was a diehard swiftie. It would ruin his reputation.
Allow me to correct myself, it would ruin the old Dean's reputation. See, Dean had the time to be himself now; to accept himself now. Having Cas back helped with that, of course. But even with someone he had loved secretly for so long, Dean still found it hard to accept affection. So instead of blatant displays, it came in the form of kisses on cheeks in the morning, and arms laying on backs of couches and held hands while driving. The pair rarely did more than this. Cas was okay with not hearing "I love you" back because he felt the requited love in the smiles he received from Dean whenever Cas told him. He was okay with having the relationship Dean was comfortable with because it was the happiest either of them had been in a long time. They were happy because they had time.
After allowing himself to be with Cas, the next stop on Dean's journey of self-acceptance was allowing himself to like whatever music he wanted. He made sure he knew every word to every Taylor Swift song, and then he jumped into Lorde. Then Katy Perry. Then Adele, who almost overtook Taylor as his favorite. Keyword, almost.
Dean had been exploring his music taste for two weeks when he had heard the news of Sour, by a rising star, Olivia Rodrigo. He read the reviews, did his research on the artist. If it weren't for the nature of the relationship that the songs were about, he would have listened to it sooner. But Dean knew a thing or two (or five) about unhealthy relationships, and he tended to stay away from media discussing them. Eventually, the toxic man in him caught up to his doubts and told Dean to stop chickening out of listening to an album written by a teenage girl.
It was about 11 p.m. Sam had been taking the time to fix his sleep schedule, so he had gone to bed hours ago. Dean had gotten bored of the show he was watching with Cas, so he decided to lie and said that he was going to bed. He felt guilty about this, but, for the love of God, he couldn't handle another minute of Property Brothers. Rumor had it that Cas didn't actually like the show either, he just had a crush on the brothers.
Dean spent 15 minutes shuffling around his room getting ready for bed. He got into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, and he even used a cleanser, which he was put on to by Sam's recommendation and Cas' pressure. Finally, he sighed as he stared at his phone, sitting on his bed. The headphones were already plugged in, and everything was set up to listen to 'Sour.' Dean put the headphones on, maneuvered himself under the blanket, and pressed play.
Dean was impressed by 'Brutal', to say the least. He loved the beat and the lyrics. He loved them because he was only starting to live his teenage dream. "I'm so tired that I might/Quit my job start a new life" hit harder than he expected. Dean was enjoying himself so far.
'Traitor' was a change of pace, but it didn't speak to Dean as much as 'Brutal.' Dean had been betrayed many times, sure, but not in this way. Still, Dean knew a good song when he heard one.
'Driver's License' was the one song Dean already knew. It was Sam's favorite song for a while. It reminded Dean to ask Sam for his thoughts on the album, but that was the only emotion it stirred. He'd heard it enough times before.
'1 step forward, 3 steps back'. Dean recognized the instrumental right away. 'New Year's Day' by Taylor Swift, one of his favorites. He loved its domesticity. He allowed himself to imagine living a life like that with Cas, throwing parties and having someone to clean up with the next day. He imagined Taxi rides and someone who cared enough to stay for the tedious bits and not just the fun. Shit, he went off on a tangent. Dean restarted the song.
And in the lyrics, he felt his father. He thought of phone calls declined. He thought of nights spent losing himself in the mirror. He thought of pining for unattainable acceptance. He thought of his dad showing him how to shoot a gun and the bittersweet memory of a possessed John telling Dean he was proud of him. In the bridge, he thought of the instability of his self-image and in the outro, he thought of how hard it's been for him to let go of John. Dean felt a tear fall from his eye.
'Deja Vu' was a much-needed change of pace. And holy shit, that bridge, that was the type of music you live for.
Then, 'Good 4 U' came on. And hell, it was an amazing song, but now he was thinking about Cas. The anger he stored away came through in that song. Cas came back to a ruined Dean. A Dean who was drinking, a Dean who was crying himself to sleep; a Dean on his emotional deathbed. But Cas was okay. Cas was happy even, and he had every right to be. He was back from the Empty and faced with the love of his life. He had time to ponder on the confession before he came back. Cas had practically begged Jack to let him stay in heaven for a bit so he could work things out in his head before seeing Dean. But Cas never accounted for the state he would find Dean in. Dean fixed himself up after Cas came back. He tried to let himself be loved. Cas had Dean; he had everything he wanted, but Dean still needed to work for that. It's terrible and it's selfish Dean to hate Cas' happiness but wasn't it just as selfish and terrible for Cas to leave like that? There's not an answer to that question, but to justify Dean's anger, it's necessary to ask it.
Already upset by the previous song, Dean allowed the softer plucks of 'Enough For You' to fill his ears and relax him. Maybe if he had the adrenaline still pumping, he would have made it through the song.
"I wore makeup when we dated cause I thought you'd like me more/if I looked like the other prom queens I know that you loved before"
His heart dropped because Dean couldn't feel straight enough in his youth, and now he didn't feel queer enough. He knew he'd never fit either stereotype, but he was trying. For Cas' sake, he was trying.
"And I knew how you took your coffee and your favorite songs by heart/I read all of your self-help books so you'd think that I was smart/stupid, emotional, obsessive little me/I knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave,"
The epiphany washed over him like a crashing wave. He hated the way that Cas was treating him like Dean had been too marginalized and endangered in his past to have a normal relationship. They could have a normal relationship now, both of them knew they could. While Cas thought these baby steps were what Dean wanted, somehow in Dean's twisted mind he turned Cas' careful love into Cas' slow rejection of Dean. He convinced himself that he drove away Cas in the few months they were together, and fuck, now Dean was sobbing.
He told himself that he had no right to be upset, he was in a stable and loving relationship. But he had every right to be upset because laying here, he didn't feel stable or loved. So he sobbed, and he kept sobbing and he let a 17-year-old's lyrics about a shitty boyfriend pour all his bottled up feelings out in front of him.
"Don't you think I loved you too much to be used and discar-"
"Dean?" The voice came through the door muffled, followed by a light knock. "I just stopped by to say goodnight, can I come in?"
Cas. Of course, it's Cas, you saw this coming.
"Uh," Dean stuttered, his voice broken up and raspy.
"Dean is everything alr-," Cas opened the door to such a pathetic sight. If you didn't know Dean, you'd laugh. He was under all his blankets and his face was puffy and red. He clutched his phone in his hands, and the music was playing just loud enough out of his headphones that you could hear Olivia's voice, now finishing up the song.
Dean looked up and met Cas' blue eyes with his own puffy ones. There was no way for Dean to hide that he was crying.
"Dean, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Cas asked, rushing over to Dean's side. Cas reached out to touch his shoulder, but Dean pulled away. He refused to make eye contact. "Dean?" Cas asked again, more hurt this time.
"It's nothing, Cas, just leave me alone," Dean said, shuffling farther away.
"It's clearly something, Dean," Cas responded.
Dean sighed, weighing his options, but before he could decide what to do, the words came pouring out of his mouth. "You- you don't really love me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I said, you don't really love me!" Dean raised his voice. He couldn't take the words back now, so he might as well double down on them.
"Of course I love you, Dean." Cas remained calm, infuriatingly calm.
"No, you don't! Because if you loved me, you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me! If you loved me, you'd say nice things to me! If you loved me, you'd kiss me even once! You'd sit next to me and you'd hug me without my asking. You'd choose to be on my team and you'd sleep next to me. If you loved me, Castiel, you'd treat me like we're actually together, and not like I'm fragile. If you loved me, you'd notice how hard I've been trying to deserve you."
Silence fell over the room. Dean played back the words in his mind. He couldn't take them back now, and frankly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.
Cas broke the silence, "I thought you didn't want those things, Dean. I thought you wanted to take things slow."
"It's been two months since we decided that, Cas and nothing has changed," Dean sighed. What was it that Olivia had sung? 'Tried so hard to be everything that you like, just for you to say you're not that complement type.' That phrase brought itself to the forefront of Dean's mind. It played repeatedly, and Dean felt warm tears on his cheeks before he even knew he was crying. It wasn't sobbing. It wasn't the manly-single-tear he was used to shedding. It was like a rainstorm. Quick to go, and quick to leave, so beautiful, and so bittersweet.
"Dean, Dean hey," Cas spoke, softening his voice. He reached his hand out to hold Dean's face. Dean reached up and weakly grabbed Cas' wrist to stop him, but Dean's hands were shaking and he gave in to the touch. He leaned into Cas' hand as he wiped the tears away. "C'mere," Cas whispered, and Dean listened, allowing himself to be pulled against Cas' chest. Today, Cas smelled like honeysuckle and all things bright. He must have taken a walk in the garden before bed. Or maybe Dean was smelling the warmth of love, 'cause no one goes to visit their plants in the dead of night.
"Don't cry because of me, baby," Cas said, and Dean smiled so widely at the nickname. "I thought you didn't want that kind of relationship. I should've asked you more than once. I would love to give you all those things, Dean. I love you." Castiel chose his words carefully. Humanity didn't mean he would stop talking like an angel. He still only spoke the words that meant the most.
Dean took a deep breath before pulling himself away from Cas' chest. Neither made eye contact as Dean spoke again. "I'm an idiot, I'm sorry for doubting you."
"Do not apologize, Dean," Cas leaned his forehead against Dean's, "You had every right to be upset. I'm sorry I never checked in to see if your boundaries changed. Okay, baby?" Cas lowered his voice now because he knew Dean needed to hear his next words, "It's not your fault, never your fault."
However, Dean ignored those words, because he's Dean. Castiel can't solve all his issues, even though we'd all love to believe that. Instead, Dean met Cas' eyes, "Call me that again."
"Baby," Cas pressed a kiss to his right cheek.
"Again."
"Baby." Left cheek.
"Again."
"Baby." Nose.
"Again," Dean's voice fell to a whisper as he nudged their faces closer.
"Baby." Lips.
Dean felt 15 again, kissing someone so innocently like that. Cas' lips were a version of gentle and kind that can only be found in the lips of an honest man. Dean knew that he'd never get tired of it. One would say, they'll never go out of style. And Cas, he had been waiting so long for this. He deserved it. Dean's lips were chapped and told the story of a broken man, but that didn't matter because they tasted of gold and second chances. They pulled apart with childlike smiles that neither had been allowed to sport for a very long time.
"What were you doing before I came in here?" Cas asked, allowing his voice to return to normal.
"I was listening to this album. It's so stupid really, Olivia wrote it when she was 17 and it still got to me."
"Why don't we listen to the rest together?" Cas went in for another quick kiss. He couldn't resist. Who could?
"Really?" Dean's eyes and voice lit up. He treasured the moments he was allowed to share something he loved. He so rarely had time to.
But he does now. Dean has time. He still hasn't gotten used to it yet.
"Yes," Cas smiled at him, delighted to be the one to make Dean smile.
Dean nodded before moving out of Cas' space. He unplugged the headphones and brought the volume on his phone up. Dean laid down on his bed and held his arms out toward Cas, who smiled wide and moved to lay on Dean's chest, head resting in the crook of his neck. Dean found himself instinctively playing with the hair on Cas' head as the first notes of 'Happier' rang out.
'Happier' is a great song. It's an important narrative for young girls to hear. It acknowledges Olivia's pain about being left without slut-shaming the other girl. Dean did not take the time to appreciate this. He was a little distracted by Castiel kissing his neck. The message went right over the little cloud of bliss they create for themselves.
'Jealousy, Jealousy' was a little bit harder to ignore, being a much more aggressive song. Cas took a breather, allowing Dean to appreciate the song. It wasn't exactly Cas' sound, but he noticed the bridge.
'Got a pretty face, pretty boyfriend, too.'
"Hey, it's about you," He said to Dean.
"'Specially the pretty boyfriend part," Dean smiled, bringing their lips together once more. Cas was blushing.
'Favorite Crime' would've gotten to Dean if it had been earlier on the album. The lyrics reminded him of John, but he'd break down to it some other time. More important things were happening now, like fingers tracing his collarbone and biceps.
'Hope Ur Ok' could be mistaken as a character study of Dean. Each verse pertained to another aspect of his father's terrible parenting. Maybe John didn't love the Bible but he sure as hell loved revenge. Maybe Dean didn't want to go to college, but John sure as hell hated gay people. It was halfway through the second verse that Dean noticed Castiel humming along.
"You know this one?"
"Mhm," Cas responded, clearly tired, and still peacefully running his fingers over the muscles on Dean's arm. "It was on my Daily Drive playlist."
Dean didn't respond and instead went back to tracing shapes along Cas' spine. He continued to do this until he heard Cas singing along to the bridge absentmindedly. Castiel didn't sing very often. He was embarrassed of his voice. The most beautiful angel in the garrison stayed in the back on karaoke night. So, Dean, he treasured this. He lived for this moment because he knew Cas wouldn't feel this comfortable with anyone else.
'God, I hope that you're happier today.'
Castiel moved to look Dean in the eye.
"Cause I love you," Cas sang clearly. Dean's eyes shined up at him. That was still the best way Dean could convey "I love you too." I know that's not the ending you want, but it would take the power of every main pop girlie for Dean to be able to say it back. But he'll get there, eventually. It'll take a matching tattoo and Taylor Swift (Taylor's Version), but he'll say it back. But for now, baby steps.