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You love October most
of all, how there is no word
for so much splendor.
This, too, is a source
of consolation. Between you and memory
everything is water.
- from The Opposite of Nostalgia by Eric Gamalinda
1.
There is this song that mentions something about the lonely river, and how it connects to the sea. Levi hasn’t forgotten about it, of course; he imagines himself as the open water, waiting for the tides to ebb and flow during the tumultuous times of his life. He’s quiet, that’s how he is, but his thoughts are enough to make tremors that cannot be seen, to make ripples on a surface so still.
It’s been a while since he last heard their voice. He picks his best friend up at the airport, the noise of planes landing and taking off, and Hange is there by the curb at the terminal exit, already waiting, hand firmly gripping their luggage. His favorite person in the world is finally back. The two of them have been away from each other for years, having attended different schools, and there's no telling how much he craves for their presence. Hange graduated a week after he did this month, but now they’re here, and that’s all that matters as of this moment.
When he climbs out of his car, Hange puts their arms around him, ever so swift, ever so tender that Levi can only press his forehead against their lips.
“I’ve missed you,” Hange whispers into his ear, and all is well, it seems.
2.
It’s eerily strange and quiet inside his car while he drives, the low humming of the A/C filling in the silence. Time goes by so slowly, a hundred scenes flashing through his mind, but maybe it can also do so much. Levi wonders if Hange's still his, but to think about this is selfish. In every stoplight, he laces their fingers together, a sign of want, and Hange then attempts to start the conversation, the light jokes, their attempt to be funny. Their laughter is the same as always, while Levi smiles to go along with it, but he knows there’s something Hange wants to say, the way their eyes gaze at him for a while before looking out to the scenery.
"I got accepted for a job abroad,” Hange finally spills the truth, arm slumped against the window as they watch the other cars that pass them by.
He keeps his eyes on the road. “For what?”
“There’s an international research institute that caters to global health and safety,” Hange explains, “I think I’m taking up on the offer.”
Levi tries to focus on his periphery right ahead. The signal light turns green at the crossroad, but everything seems bleary. Graduations are supposed to be a sign of new beginnings, but he wasn’t expecting this at all. He grips the steering wheel harder, trying to reel in the incoming anger, the pent-up frustration, the longing. His memory goes right back to the beginning, the first time he saw Hange in their high school library scouring through the shelves for an elusive book.
That day, Hange had been removing the bookends, mixing them together so that pairs were mismatched in different colors and sizes, and he couldn’t help but notice. “Why are you moving them around like they matter?”
Hange jumped back in surprise and the books clattered to the ground. He apologized for startling them and Hange immediately recognized him as their classmate from Math. Levi insisted on his question, as if Hange’s answer would mean a lot to him.
“Well, we need to make sure the books don’t fall off the edges,” Hange explained, “but that doesn’t mean they should be plain-colored and boring designs, right?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. What’s the point of shitty bookends, anyway?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Hange laughed, and it was a wonderful sound to his ears. “So we have something to keep everything together.”
That was enough to spark a conversation. He had asked them out for dinner after that. Hange shared some of their stories with him over pizza and soda, and Levi already knew he’d want Hange by his side for as long as it’s possible. Even when they eventually went their separate ways in college, they had promised each other before not to say goodbyes, only see you later.
If this is the future, then they might as well.
Hange is still staring at him right this moment, waiting for his response, and that’s when he gets pulled back to reality. Forget about the first day they met, forget about the conversation, focus on the now.
“That’s amazing, congratulations,” he says, before gathering the courage to look Hange in the eyes, “I’m sure you’ll do great.”
There’s a small smile on Hange’s face before they gaze into the distance once again.
3.
They don’t talk about these things. Not the painful ones, at least. They probably don’t want to talk about what’s bothering them, but they know they have to. Words that he cannot find to say will probably come out jagged like scars that won’t heal over time. It’s difficult being apart from each other all this time, even more difficult to add a few more years going forward. They had gone to different schools, but they promised each other they’d find time once in a while. And Levi knows he’ll have to see it through until the end.
Kenny had given him the keys to the lake house, but Levi knows his uncle is not delighted. Kenny had demanded that his nephew clean up the old shack before they could figure out if they should sell the place or not. Sentimentality isn't a thing in their family. The cabin haunts them with the past, in a good and bittersweet way.
The moment Hange had found out about the cabin—Levi’s little secret, the closest thing he had to what he could call home—they requested to see it, to spend a night or two with him. And Levi couldn't deny Hange anything, especially since something in him wanted this as well.
The cabin goes past the entrance to the forest where it lays in seclusion, just the tall pine trees along the main road. Nothing else, just nature at its finest. Asphalt has turned into rocks and dirt, and that's how Levi knows they have arrived. The clearing is filled with broken branches and dried twigs on the ground, every step of theirs a snapping of figs, the crunching of grass. Hange looks above them and all they can see is a sky nestled with the shade from the trees.
"This is beautiful..." Hange manages to say. They are in awe as they slowly pace around the open, and Levi is glad he hasn’t regretted this decision yet.
When they finally enter the cabin, everything seems to start coming back to him. The floor creaks in every step, its old age a reminder of how long he’s been gone. He wanders through the familiar space once more, the ghost of his childhood days playing in his mind.
“I grew up here, you know,” he tells Hange, “when Mom was still around.”
Kuchel would have been proud of him, he knows this—how he had grown over time from a young boy to a man, from someone wide-eyed and scared about the world to someone with a sense of understanding and maturity.
“Are you going to miss this place when Kenny sells it?”
“A lot, yeah.”
Hange clasps their hands together as they visit the empty rooms, all the dust clinging to the furniture, a reminder of his past. They’re nothing more than mere guests here, while all the echoes are theirs. Hange then points out to the old photos hanging on the walls, and Levi recollects some of the memories he’s fond of.
"Kenny wanted to throw them away, but I told him I’d come back here someday. When I’m older.” Levi brushes his free hand over the dust of the nearest frame, a photo of him and Kuchel back in the days.
“And here you are.” Hange holds his other hand tighter. “You’ve made it.”
Later on, Levi whips something up for lunch, a simple meal, just some chicken and beans, and Hange shares with him the carrot cake they have bought on the way to the cabin. They both look out into the lake, noticing the silence of the waters, the canoe resting by the dock.
Hange asks him, “Can we use it?”
“Of course.”
In the afternoon, they tread into the waters using the canoe. Levi allows Hange to find their seating first on the small boat before he pushes it off from the shore as he goes in. They both can hear the birds chirping in the air, the leaves rustling above them. And the sycamores—oh, how they sing if they both listen carefully. He’s rowing with Hange sitting across from him, their attention at their surroundings while he watches Hange’s reaction in the smallest of discoveries.
He's able to steer the boat past the water lilies, and the waters are calm until Hange turns too quickly, almost tipping the boat over. “Levi, look!” Hange points out. It rocks for a bit before steadying and his heart skips a beat. He cusses then composes himself. Levi follows their gaze to see a flock of lunes, their wings flapping before settling into the nests on the small island in the middle of the lake. There’s a fish that jumps out of the water, breaking the stillness.
Hange laughs at the flight of the birds, the splash of water, and Levi thinks it’s a beautiful sight to behold. He doesn’t say this out loud, merely watches Hange completely mesmerized by the beauty of nature. He’s still in awe at Hange when he realizes something the moment their back is turned towards him.
“Your socks…” he says, looking at the familiar pair that Hange’s wearing. The two of them had chosen this design a few years ago, and Hange had taught him how to knit, both of their hands on the knitting pin as Hange directs them how to do every stitch, every weave of a pattern they have thought of together.
“Oh, this?” Hange raises the cuffs of their pants to show off their socks, and their eyes immediately brighten the moment they see Levi wearing the same ones of a different color. “Aren’t we matching? It’s like our minds joined together in some way!”
He doesn’t respond to that, and continues to row them back to the shore. There’s a faint smile on his face all throughout the silence.
4.
They say familiarity breeds understanding, but people don't understand that familiarity can also be exhausting. He knows most of Hange's quirks and habits, their tendency to knock down small items when they're too excited. And Levi doesn’t seem to break the silence, his thoughts still bothering him. It probably will continue to do so until they both figure out where they're headed.
Levi recounts this old memory, the first time he actually confessed to Hange that he loved them. It was raining, or maybe not—perhaps his brain wanted to impute the melancholy—when he came running up to Hange across the soccer field of their high school. They had fought about something so stupid, something about Hange being too dense of about his feelings for them, and how he had been too uptight, too high-strung to let Hange know what his gestures really meant.
“Oi, Hange!” His breath hitched while he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. And Hange was still in their soccer uniform, their cleats riddled with mud, their jersey soaking from the rain. “Look, I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner, shit, I—”
Before he could even let the rest of the words out, Hange had already put a finger to his lips. “You don’t have to say it,” they said, before kissing him out in the open, the droplets of rain falling down their cheeks. Hange held his face as they pulled apart from each other. It was then that Hange finally told him, “I’m in love with you as well, Levi Ackerman.”
There’s the pitter-patter sound against the roof. For Levi, rain reminds him of his longing. He sips his tea while he observes Hange’s pensive expression as they flip through the pages of a book they happened to discover in the old bookshelf. All the books are sorted in alphabetical order, the collections secured by bookends—a knack that Levi attributes to his desire for order. He remembers that day when he raged at Kenny for tearing some of the pages to feed to the fire. Levi stormed out of the house, bringing most of the books with him, until he could finally return some of them back to where they belong. At the same time, he also remembers the tender moments he had with his mother. Kuchel would read to him when he was little while the two of them were sitting in front of the fireplace. He likes reading, Levi does. He likes the way the dance of the words come to him in his mind, the melody of every page, of every sentence as he reads on.
Once Hange finishes halfway, they get up to return the book to the shelf. “It’s nice, but I’m looking for something more interesting,” they explain to him, and he understands.
Hange then runs their finger along the spines of each book, sweeping through the titles as they read them in quick succession. They’re still looking for the next book to read when something catches their eye right beside the shelf.
“Does your uncle play guitar?”
Levi looks up to follow Hange’s line of sight. “No, I do," he says, and then corrects himself, "Well, I used to.” He picks up the instrument and blows the dust off its surface. It's been untouched all these years. He runs his thumb down each string and attempts to tune it by twisting the knobs.
Hange is excited, their eyes gleaming with curiosity. “Do you still remember how?”
He gives them a half-shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
Nevertheless, he settles the guitar under the crook of his arm, his other hand on the fretboard as he tries to remember the chords of a song he once knew. He grabs a nearby stool for his convenience. And Hange sits there on the floor across him, watching, waiting for him to begin the piece.
“Read something for me while I’m at it,” he asks.
It’s a favor, but Hange relents. “Maybe I will.” They grab the nearest poetry book, flipping through the pages until they find something that catches their attention.
Levi finally begins playing. It’s a melancholic tune that cadences, the rhythm building up with every strum of his fingers. The plucking of the strings echoes around them, the acoustics of the room taking part. Hange listens for the first few parts first, letting the ambiance fill their soul with much tenderness.
After taking a deep breath, they start reading a poem they happen to come across.
“Close your eyes,” Hange reads, their voice low, “A lover is standing too close to focus on. Leave me blurry and fall toward me with your entire body. Lie under the covers, pretending to sleep, while I’m in the other room—”
He remembers the first time he held Hange in his arms, the way a million stars burst into his eyes but all he knows, all he can feel is the love and the yearning, the solitude in that moment, those hours. Hearts beating. The tenderness, fleeting.
The sentiment in Hange’s intonation makes him stop playing. Levi just sits there, hands resting on the guitar, as Hange continues to read the rest of the poem. “We can do anything. It’s not because our hearts are large, they’re not, it’s what we struggle with. ”
“Hange—”
Hange pretends they didn’t hear him. “I’ll give you my heart to make a place for it to happen, evidence of a love that transcends hunger. ” They pause for a moment, eyes locked into his. “Is that too much to expect? That I would name the stars for you? That I would take you there? ”
“I’m in love with you,” he says quietly. “Always will be.”
This time, Hange finally stops.
“Levi,” Hange breathes. They push themselves up the floor and head toward where Levi is. "You know I love you, too." They inch closer to him, nose brushing his hair as they kiss him tenderly on the temple. “If only we can stay here forever, right? I would have loved to live in this cabin with you.”
Levi knows this, and for that he’s in love with Hange even more. He has loved Hange long enough, has loved them deep enough, to know that he’ll have to learn how to let go so that Hange could soar with their dreams. The image of the sea comes to his mind once again. Perhaps the sea has its way of saying to touch the waters is a sign of coming home, a sign of waiting. Maybe Levi isn’t like the sea at all. His hands have hungered for Hange's touch all this time, so when he moves, he imagines Hange holding him once more, all over.
They stay like that for a while in the midst of everything.
5.
The two of them have fallen asleep on the couch, his arms around Hange, their soft snores filling the silence of the cabin. It was sleeping in its simplest manner, every kiss so tender, every touch so gentle. He felt all the want grazing and passion through Hange’s lips, the yearning invading him to the bone. Outside, the rain has come to a stop, dew caught in between the blades of grass. Levi now knows that loneliness comes suddenly like the waves from the tides. It also recedes just as fast. This kind of feeling will continue on forever, him wondering what would happen when Hange leaves once again. Maybe love is a stupid feeling, after all.
Hange stirs in his arms and tries to make out the outline of his fine under the glowing light of the lamp. “Did you know that in the book that I read to you a while ago, the couple was also at a crossroad in their lives?” Hange looks at him. “Please don’t cry.”
“Shit, I’m not,” he says as he blinks away, “I’m not this sappy.”
“I know. But I’ll find a way to come back to you.” Hange pulls him closer. “And then we’ll be together again.”
He finally forces the question out of him. "Will you still be mine by then?"
There’s a pause for a moment as Hange holds him closer, resting their forehead against his. "Always am, always will. What do you want to happen, Levi?”
“I want to be with you.”
“Then come with me,” Hange says. “Let’s live together.”
Levi’s already had enough of separations, of distance, that he’s actually considering it. He doesn’t know how it’s going to work, though. But he’s had enough of parting. It broke him when he had to part with his mother. The time when Kenny said he could be on his own. His heart ached when Farlan and Isabel, his childhood friends, left town and never came back. And even though Hange promises they’d get through it despite the distance this time around, that they would call and send photos once in a while, Levi knows it won’t be the same. He’s in a house alone with the love of his life, and he doesn’t know how to go from here, only knows that he loves them. And it feels terrible, this feeling, like he’s done something wrong, like fallen from the skies, or jumped out of a burning building. And Levi’s words keep on betraying him.
Then again, he can’t imagine being in a world where he no longer has Hange. He feels safe with Hange. Maybe the fact that Hange cares for him makes him so. The distance will be trifling, and Levi no longer desires it anymore.
"This is getting too sappy, isn't it?" Hange chuckles. “This cabin really does wonders.”
He turns his gaze towards the window. "It’s stopped raining. What do you say to a rooftop climb?"
Hange nods, eyes filled with glee.
They go up the cabin roof upon his invitation. He climbs up first, swinging one leg over the edge, before hoisting himself up. He then helps up Hange, the folded blanket swung over their shoulder as he pulls them by the arms when their feet can no longer find footing on the crates they've stacked up together for added height. It’s still wet on the rooftop, but they managed to find a dry spot where they can sit.
Once they've finally found the most comfortable, fail-safe position, Hange lifts up the blanket for a bit so Levi can squeeze in beside them. The gentle breeze of the night sways as they watch the skies above.
And then Levi finally makes up his mind.
"I'll go with you," Levi says, his palms flat against the surface of the roof. "I'll follow you until you no longer want me to, Hange." Maybe he’ll follow Hange to the ends of the earth, maybe he’ll wait just a little bit more, and who knows? Maybe one day he’ll be ready to propose.
There’s a tick on the corner of Hange’s mouth. “What about your life here?”
“Kenny’s selling this place, and our friends are also leaving town to look for jobs elsewhere. I might as well do the same.”
Above them, the skies have already cleared. He fixes his gaze into the constellations, the cluster of stars connecting to each other in his mind.
Hange reaches out for his hand. “We’ll probably have a small place to rent at first.”
“That’s fine,” he says.
“Maybe spend on the bare minimum for a while—”
“I’ll work remotely, do some part-time, until I can get a job that can pay for my share as well,” he tells Hange, sure of his words.
“Do you really want this?”
His eyes are more steadfast than ever. “I want nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life.”
Above them the moon is glowing bright, their surroundings cooler in the nighttime air. They both can’t see the lake in the dark, but Levi knows it’s as still as his heart right now, calm and composed, content. Some of the memories of him and Hange are running in his mind once again, a sign that he’ll have more to add in the future.
“We’ll stay together, then.” Hange makes a firm resolve.
“Together,” he repeats it, just like a promise.
And they both mean this well. Their bond, stronger than before. Like bookends, keeping everything—the days, the memories, the good times—and all the love in between.
