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Gomez lunged and parried with the best of them. He kept himself a moving target and remembered to flourish often with his free hand. He was the King of the Tango and he had the scars to prove it.
For her part Morticia merely stood still and occasionally played a castanet with one hand and fed her favorite African Creeper with the other.
“There you are, Cleopatra.” She smiled benevolently at the plant. “Now remember to chew. You know how badly you get indigestion if you don’t.”
“Ole!” Gomez shouted and collapsed into a chair. “What a thrill it is to dance with you, my darling. You are so light on your feet.”
“Why, thank you, Gomez. It is merely your skill that makes it seem that way.” She held out the now empty plate and immediately Thing popped up to take it from her. “And thank you, Thing. What would we do without you?”
“Be shorthanded,” Gomez said and grinned. A steady stream of chattering made them both look towards the staircase as Cousin Itt descended. He chose to ride down the bannister as opposed to all those stairs. “Well done, Itt, old man. You could give riding lessons.”
Itt chattered and Morticia nodded. “Yes, I suppose a horse would be more fun,” she said as he landed and started pacing. “Why, Cousin Itt, whatever is the matter?”
“Fester? What’s wrong with my brother?” Gomez prepared himself for battle. He was willing to do anything in the name of Addams… except possibly anything that might cause him bodily harm. After all, that was a wife’s privilege. He grinned at the thought
“He’s not coming out of his room ever again?” Morticia repeated back Itt’s excited response.
“Good thing Itt told us. Otherwise we’d never have known,” Gomez said, nodding to Itt.
“Dear Cousin Itt, always worrying about all the little people.”
“Takes one to know one, I suppose” Gomez said to Thing as he pulled a cigar from his jacket pocket. Thing struck a match and Gomez bowed to it, puffing away. “Thank you, Thing.”
“Dear, what are we going to do about Fester?”
“Why? We have to do something?”
“We can’t let him stay in his room forever! How would we wash his sheets? And what about his pallor. His room gets sun in the morning.”
“We could change his room.”
“Gomez!”
He sighed. “All right, I’ll go talk to him. Perhaps you better come along, too, just in case a need a woman’s touch.”
“For finesse?”
Gomez’s grin stopped just short of a leer, “That, as well.” At his wife’s chastising look, he sighed. “I am so married.”
“And you would be wise not to forget it. Remember what happened to great-great- Uncle Sullen.” Morticia crossed her arms. “He forgot the true meaning of marriage and look where it got him.”
“Where did it get him?”
“We’ll never know, they are still looking for all the pieces.”
“Great-great Aunt Wraith was like that.” Gomez had to concede that point as he followed Morticia up the stairs. The children ran past and Morticia’s voice stopped them in their tracks.
“Pugsley, Wednesday, what are you doing?”
“We’re playing Poison, Mother, but Wednesday won’t drink it.”
Morticia was mortified. “Gomez, your son?”
The man knelt and Pugsley came over to him. “You’re growing up, my boy, and there comes a day when you need to set aside childish games and pranks and think about your future.”
“Father?” The boy looked very confused.
Gomez took a knife from an inner pocket of his jacket. “Pugsley, the truth is that death by poison is usually a woman’s prerogative. Anyone can poison someone, but it takes a real man to get blood on his shoes. However, your sister is younger. Give her at least a three-minute head start.” Wednesday was off like a flash. Pugsley waited for a few breaths and then headed off. “And he cheats. I couldn’t be happier.”
“We are raising fine young people.” Morticia tapped lightly on Fester’s door. “Uncle Fester?”
“Go away.” The voice was muffled.
Gomez was affronted. “Fester! That’s no way to talk to Mrs. Addams.”
“Sorry, go away, now.”
Morticia smiled slightly. “Let us in, Fester. Whatever it is, we can talk it out.”
“No, there’s nothing to say.”
“I can have Lurch kick it down.” Gomez reached for the bell pull, but Morticia caught his hand.
“Perhaps not this time.” She tried the door and it opened easier. She frowned and made a mental note to speak to Lurch about it in the morning. What good is a door if it doesn’t squeak and jam?
A scream pulled her attention away from the door and she watched an axe-wielding Wednesday chase Pugsley by. She had blood in her eye and a wild look about her. “Always aim for the largest body part,” Gomez shouted as they passed.
Morticia stepped into Fester’s room and sighed. It was dark, dank, and smelled of mold, much like Fester himself. The man, for his part, laid face down on his bed, his face buried in a pillow.
“Are you sleeping, old man?”
“No, I’m suffocating myself,” Fester mumbled back. “Go away.”
“What for and why deny someone else the pleasure? I can think of a dozen people who would happily suffocate you.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better.” Fester sat up and looked at his brother, his bottom lip trembling. “I’ve brought shame to the family. The only recourse I have left is death.”
“Seems rather permanent. Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“All right, this morning I was walking to the market. Grandmamma needed some wolfsbane and it was so cold and miserable, I couldn’t resist.”
“Always the romantic. So much like your dear father,” Morticia said, stroking Gomez’s cheek and he nodded in agreement.
“I never knew him to be anything but cold and miserable. Go on.”
“I was by that new apartment building, admiring it. You know the one that’s blocking all that wretched sunlight. That’s when I saw it.”
“Saw what?”
“A baby.
“It was sitting on a third story window sill. Just sitting there.” He smiled at the memory. “There was a bunch of folks hanging around, so I went over to see what was going. They were all talking at once and I couldn’t figure out what they were saying, then someone screamed just as I held my arms out to try and quiet them down. The next thing I knew I was holding a baby.”
“You caught a child?” Morticia was dumbfounded. “On purpose?”
“I didn’t mean to. It was totally by accident.” He sighed. “Then someone yelled that it was the mayor’s son.”
“Oh, dear.” Morticia, eyes wide, covered her mouth with a trembling hand.
“And that I’d performed a miracle with my actions.” Fester couldn’t sound unhappier.
“Oh no.” Gomez looked slightly ill.
Fester nodded glumly. “Now they want to throw me a parade and give me a key to the city. There’s even talk of a medal.” He sniffled. “I’m sorry. I never meant to bring honor to the family.”
“You know what we need to do, Cara?”
“Sadly, I do, Gomez.” She looked fondly at her beloved brother-in-law and took a deep breath. “WEDNESDAY!”