Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Waking up was like being stabbed all over again. As Merlin’s consciousness rose, he felt the burning pain in his back. Only this time, there was more too it. He felt not only where the knife had plunged between his ribs, but he felt each ragged stitch that had knitted the skin back together. Not to mention he could barely draw in a full breath with how tight the bandages were pulled around it.

Still, all and all it was better than being dead, like Merlin had figured he would be. Honestly, he was very surprised he was still alive after what had happened. The knife in his chest had only been number 2 on his list of things that went wrong that day. Number 1 had been very very bad. As in Arthur had seen him using magic and was furious bad.

They had been attacked by a group of bandits on their way back to the castle after a patrol. There had been so many it was hard to keep track of them all. That hadn’t stopped Merlin from keeping and eye on Arthur. Arthur had taken out two in front of him, but he hadn’t been able to stop the third from getting through his defense. His magic had lurched out to protect Arthur without a thought.

Of course, Arthur had seen. Anger and fear painted his face as he stared at Merlin’s glowing eyes. His expression had been everything Merlin feared it would be when he discovered the truth. Merlin hadn’t been able to say even a word of defense or even plea before he felt a searing hot pain stab into his back. Then the world had gone dark.

Why Arthur hadn’t bothered to leave him for dead he wasn’t sure. But at the moment, air moved through his lungs proving he was very much alive.

Merlin forced his eyes open. It was harder than he thought to peel them apart. At first his vision was sort of tunneled, the edges blurry. But he saw enough to recognize Gaius’s chambers. After a few more blinks his vision began to clear. He thought to try his voice next. “G..Ga…Gaius?”

No one answered him so he tried to sit up from where he was laid on his stomach. Only something tugged him back down when he moved. Turning his gaze from the empty room to his arms he realized that he was tied to the cot. He wiggled his legs slightly, despite the pain to find them in the same situation.

Before he had a chance to panic about that his ears had stopped ringing long enough to hear the familiar sound of wood pounding together. From where he was secured he could see out the window and into the courtyard. A group of servants were piling wood into a pyre.

Oh God. Merlin pressed his head into his pillow. He desperately tried to breathe. Oh God this was so much worse than he’d thought! He was being held as a prisoner. Arthur had arrested him even while he was dying and dragged him back to be healed enough so he could burn him for his crimes.

It was the only thing that made sense.

That was why Gaius wasn’t here. He knew his father figure and physician would have never left a patient, let alone Merlin, alone while in his condition. He must have realized what Arthur planned to do to Merlin and argued with him. Arthur would have had him removed so he could not interfere. Hopefully, he wasn’t hurt. Arthur might have been pissed at Merlin, but he would never hurt Gaius.

He had to get out of here. His back was in so much pain he knew he couldn’t move, but there might not be another chance like this. No one else was in the room. Although there were likely guards at the door, he could sneak out the window. He’d done it before when he’d needed to get out without Gaius knowing.

Luckily, Arthur hadn’t known to put him in iron to keep him from using his magic. The ropes around him were child’s play to remove with the right spell. Casting a spell that removed the pain in his back enough to move on the other hand, that was a different matter. That spell took far more energy than he had. Merlin nearly blacked out from exhaustion, but at least he could stand without screaming.

Merlin made quick work grabbing what he would need to escape. He took a bag and packed a single change of clothing, some bandages and herbs so he could treat his wound later, and a small roll of bread that had been left behind on a plate. Then he wrapped himself up in his warmest cloak and snuck out the window.

Sneaking out in the daylight was much harder than when he’d snuck out at night before. Especially since he couldn’t shake the feeling that none of this was real or should have been real. He’d really messed up this time. He’d ruined everything. He’d never see any of his friends again. At least not if he didn’t want to burn.

He couldn’t burn. Gods, why had Arthur been so cruel to save him only to burn him. It was his worst fear. The nightmare that haunted his sleep.

Snow crunched under his boots with every step, but he did his best to stay out of sight. Most people appeared busy and didn’t pay him any mind. He was almost near the castle wall when he caught a bit of conversations from some guards.

“Orders from Prince Arthur. The boy Merlin is to be found and brought to him immediately. Everyone is called on to search for him. He couldn’t have gone far. He’s probably still on castle grounds.”

“Aye sir.”

Oh no! Arthur already knew that he’d escaped. He was probably searching for him right this minute. Arthur was the best tracker and the snow made it easy enough to find him. There was no way he would make it far enough away Arthur couldn’t find him. Not to mention that the guards would be closing down the gate. His only way out was blocked.

Merlin had no choice. He knew he was weak, but magic was his only option. If he could just teleport himself over the gate and into the woods, then he could find somewhere to hide until Arthur gave up the search.

More snow was starting to come down. It swirled lightly around him as he whispered the spell. It worked well enough. Merlin recognized the sight of the forest before him. But he had taxed his magic too much. The world went dark around him once more as he sunk into the cold snow.

Warmth. It was just the fleeting touch, but it caressed his cheek and threaded through his hair. Then there was a soft voice calling to him. “Merlin. Merlin.” It grew louder and more insistent. “Merlin! Damn it, open your eyes. You stupid reckless idiot. Open your eyes now or I’m going to have you cleaning the stables every day for the rest of your life. Merlin!”

Arthur. It was Arthur.

For a moment, Merlin let himself lean into his touch. Then he remembered what had happened. That he was supposed to be escaping Arthur but passed out in the woods.

His eyes flew open.

Arthur was leaning over him. His hands cupped around his face. He blew out a long breath when he saw Merlin awake. Almost as if he were relieved, but Merlin didn’t buy it.

He jumped back, away from his touch and screamed when he felt the pain in his back again.

“Don’t move you idiot!” Arthur warned. “I have to get you back to the castle.”

“No!” Merlin cried. Arthur was going to take him back. He was going to throw him on the pyre. Merlin was too weak to fight. His magic used up. He only had his words to convince Arthur to spare him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Arthur. I don’t want to burn. Don’t let me burn. Just leave me here. You’ll never see me again. I’ll never hurt anyone with my magic, I swear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t let me burn.” The words repeated again and again in endless hiccupping sobs.

If Arthur had ever cared about him, he thought he might be lucky enough Arthur would just leave him there. Or maybe Arthur would just put him out of his misery quickly. The last thing he expected was for Arthur to gather him into his arms and try to rub warmth back into his frozen skin. “Shhh, you’re safe Merlin. You’re not going to burn. I’d never let that happen. I’ll protect you. I know you’d never hurt anyone. You’re safe.”

Merlin was so surprised he stopped talking and looked up at Arthur. He was so tired of running or being afraid. He wanted it to be true. He needed it to be true.

“I’m safe?”

“Yes, Merlin. You’re always safe with me.”

“But…but…the pyre. I saw it. The guards. I’m a prisoner. You ordered my capture. I…I thought… Don’t want to burn.”

“Merlin, you’re not a prisoner, never. And that’s not a pyre. They’re gathering wood for the bonfire during the winter festival.” Arthur said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You won’t burn me?”

“No. I promised to keep you safe remember. I made an oath to you.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind he caught this whisps of words whispered to him in the dark. Promises of safety and assurances of love. Had that not been a dream. Had it been Arthur all along?

Finally, Merlin let himself collapse into Arthur’s hold. He was so exhausted, and cold, and in pain. He whimpered as Arthur lifted him from the snow.

Behind Arthur he heard someone approaching. “Did you find him?” It was Gwaine.

“Yes, call off the search. And tell Gaius he’s needed back immediately. He was wrong, the damn fever hadn’t broken and he’s still delirious. I don’t know how he managed to escape the restraints or even move with his wound, but that’s a mystery for later. He’s bleeding again and frozen solid. We have to get him back to the castle now.”

“Let me hold him while you mount. Then I’ll hand him up to you and you can ride with him as fast as you can.” Gwaine suggested.

Arthur must have agreed because within moments Merlin was handed off to someone else. Merlin whimpered at the pain as he was moved.

“I know, Merlin. I’ll never be as good as the princess, but you got to hang on just a minute. He’ll take care of you.” Gwaine reassured him.

Then he was being lifted through the air like he was flying. Arthur’s arms wrapped around him again like a warm blanket. That was the last thing Merlin was conscious for.

The next time he woke up the pain had lessened significantly. He was still positioned on his stomach, but he wasn’t on the narrow cot in Gaius’s chambers. In fact, the bed he was lying on was more comfortable than anything he’d felt before. He was warm and surrounded by plush blankets. Somewhere in the distance he recognized the crackle of a hearth. There weren’t even restraints on him this time.

Slowly, Merlin blew out a contented sigh.

“Merlin?” Arthur’s voice was calm, but eager as he said his name.

Merlin blinked to see that Arthur was siting on a chair next to him. “Arthur?”

Arthur grabbed for his hand and pulled it against his forehead. “Thank all the gods. You had a bad relapse a few days ago and I thought…I feared…it doesn’t matter. How are you feeling? Are you in pain? What do you remember?”

“Not sure.” Merlin said.

“To which question.”

“All of them.” He looked past Arthur and recognized exactly where he was. “Arthur, am I in your room?”

“Yes.” Arthur admitted. “We had no choice. After your little adventure through the window, which gave Gwen a heart attack by the way, we couldn’t chance you trying to escape in some fever dream again. I figured even feverish you wouldn’t jump from the top of the tower. Plus, we realized you needed more attentive care. It was easier to keep you here with me. When I wasn’t here Gwen, or Gaius, or one of the knights stayed with you.”

Fever? Merlin couldn’t remember having a fever. Although he did remember escaping out the window and to the woods. Still, he was completely lost to what had happened. He’d thought Arthur was going to burn him. All the evidence had pointed to it. Yet Arthur was talking about the event like Merlin was crazy for trying to run.

“Arthur, I’m not really sure what’s going on.” Merlin admitted. “Aren’t you…shouldn’t you be furious at me right now?”

“You bet I am.” Arthur said, although there was no anger behind it. “You put yourself in a lot of danger, Merlin, and I won’t stand for it. You’re my servant and you can’t die without my permission. Got that.”

“No, no.” This was starting to make even less sense. It sounded like Arthur almost cared about him. But that couldn’t be possible after all his lies. “I’m a sorcerer. I have magic. You should hate me. Or at least turn me over to your father to burn.”

“Hell no!” Finally, his calm had snapped. “My father won’t ever lay a finger on you so long as I breathe. I could never hate you, Merlin. I could never stand by and watch you get hurt. Not again.” Arthur was clinging to his hand now like it was a lifeline.

“Arthur? But…when you saw me using magic in the forest. You looked so angry, and you looked at me like you were terrified of me.” That expression still burned his soul. Merlin couldn’t stand the fact that he had put those emotions on Arthur’s face.

“I was angry and scared but not at you, for you. Merlin by the time you saved me with your magic a bandit had already gotten behind you and stabbed a knife through your back. You just stood there frozen, the gold bleeding from your eyes as your body just collapsed. God, I’ve never been so scared and angry in my life.”

He’d been stabbed before he saved Arthur? Oh…OH! The memory had been so jumbled in his head he hadn’t placed the events in the right order. Now that he was thinking more clearly, he remembered exactly how it had happened.

Merlin had been hiding, staying out of the fight while using bits of his magic to help like usual. Only one of the bandits had snuck up behind him. He’d stabbed the knife into his back and forced him to watch as Arthur was overwhelmed. The bandit had whispered in his ear. “Such an honor, you get to die right alongside the Prince of Camelot.” It hadn’t taken a physician’s apprentice to know the wound would be fatal. Merlin had had nothing left to lose except Arthur. So, he’d unleashed his magic to save his prince. When the bandit had realized what he’d done, he twisted the knife and that was when he’d lost consciousness. Arthur’s desperate screams fading into the background.

“I killed him. The bandit that attacked you. He’d tried to run, but I threw my sword straight through his back. Should have done worse after what he did to you.” Arthur’s voice almost hitched. “By the time I got to you, you were already…I couldn’t wake you up. There was so much blood, Merlin. You were choking on it as you tried to breathe. Even so close to Camelot, I didn’t think you would make it to Gaius before…” Then it happened. A tear dripped down Arthur’s face.

“Arthur,” Merlin couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He had to wipe away Arthur’s sorrow. Reaching out, he used what little strength he had to pull Arthur to his side on the bed.

Arthur gave no resistance, and quickly crawled into the bed next to him.

“It’s alright. I’m here, Arthur. I’m here.”

“You almost weren’t.” Arthur was near sobs now. “You don’t understand how close I was to losing you. Even though Gaius was able to close the wound, you’d lost so much blood and it became infected. You were delirious with fever for days. You kept fighting us and screaming. We had to tie you down to keep you from hurting yourself.”

Okay, that explained why he’d woken up like that.

“Every time you regained consciousness you didn’t seem to know what was going on around you. You kept thinking you were going to be burned. You were so scared, so scared and nothing I did helped you. Merlin,” Arthur turned his head to look deep into his eyes. “You have to know I would never let that happen to you. I will always keep you safe. I can’t ever go through that again.”

“Really, Arthur, didn’t realize you cared.” Merlin tried to make a joke of it like he always did.

But Arthur’s expression grew profoundly serious. “Merlin, I was too afraid to say it before. I let my fear stop me from telling you the truth. You could have died and never known. I love you, Merlin.”

Merlin couldn’t stop the brilliant smile that spread across his face. “I love you too.”

Then their lips met in a kiss. For a long time, they just held each other. Merlin might have dozed off for a bit, but each time he fluttered his eyes open Arthur was still there cuddled around him.

Finally, he dared ask. “Arthur? I know I’ve been pretty obvious about being in love with you for a long time, but I really didn’t think the feeling was mutual. When did you fall in love with me?”

“When wasn’t I in love with you. I think I’ve been in love with you since the day you first walked into Camelot. But all my life I’ve had people telling me who I should be and what my future would be like. I wasn’t allowed to fall in love and I almost lost you because I believed it. For too long I made the mistake of hiding my feelings for you by well being a jerk. Sorry for that. But I swear to you Merlin, I will keep you safe.”

Merlin gave a small laugh. “You do know that’s my job, right? That’s why I was given this magic. To keep you safe, which is such a harder job than it sounds.”

“Then we’ll keep each other safe.”

With that promise, Merlin let himself fall back asleep in Arthur’s arms.

Chapter Text

The last place Arthur wanted to be was in a council meeting, not when Merlin was still lying on Gaius’s cot fighting for his life. It was wrong. Arthur belonged at Merlin’s side, not listening to nobles squabble over the next banquet’s guest list. Only he didn’t have a choice but to be there. With his father’s declining health and his position of acting regent, he’d put off the meeting long enough as it is. For the last three days he’d delegated every duty to others in order to remain in Gaius’s chambers.

Now he was paying the price with a meeting that had already gone an hour over the scheduled time. Not that it had done him any good to come anyway. He couldn’t seem to focus on any of what was being said, all his thoughts on when this would end so he could get back to Merlin.

Merlin who had only this morning barely pulled away from the edge of death. Merlin who had almost died saving Arthur. Merlin who Arthur had nearly lost the chance to tell that he loved him.

Arthur could still see the whole scene that had led to his injury so clearly in his mind. How could he ever forget the first time he watched his best friend’s eyes turn gold? In the heat of battle, Merlin had used magic to save Arthur. It was like the idiot hadn’t given a thought to his own protection. Not only had he openly used magic in front of the who knew how many knights of a kingdom that viewed magic as evil, but he hadn’t even been watching his own back.

The sight of the knife plunging into Merlin’s beautiful, perfect body had broken something inside Arthur. He’d rushed over to his friend’s side, instantly killing the bandit who had harmed him. Then he’d caught Merlin’s collapsing frame. It had all happened in what could only be seconds, yet Merlin was already unconscious, already too still.

For a moment, a single moment, the world had seemed to end as Arthur thought Merlin was already dead. Then he had sucked in a wet rattling breath, and ever since Arthur’s only thought was saving him. The rest of the time between when Merlin was hurt to the point when he got him back to Gaius’s chambers was a blur of whispered promises and adamant begging for him to live.

The wound had been so deep, and Merlin was already slipping away, that Gaius hadn’t had much hope for Merlin to make it through the first night. Arthur had been unable to move from his bedside: whispering prayers to every god in the universe just to let Merlin live, and holding onto his hand as if he could keep his spirit from slipping away.

But Merlin had always been a fighter. Against all the odds he pulled through, refusing to give up on life. He’d also always been a troublemaker, and they soon found that the worst was not yet over. The wound became infected.

Arthur had never been much for medical knowledge. He didn’t understand much beyond basic first aid on the battle ground. However, he had enough knowledge to know that such an infection was difficult to fight. Especially for a skinny, overworked boy who didn’t know how to take care of himself.

Seriously, when had Merlin gotten so thin! Arthur should have noticed sooner that he was so overworked that he wasn’t eating enough. Arthur should have made sure he got the rest and nutrition that he needed from the start. When Merlin pulled through, because he had to pull through, Arthur would be sure to take better care of him.

With the infection came a high fever, and with the high fever came delirium. Arthur had seen many horrors in his time on the battle fields. He’d suffered torture at the hands of enemies before and yet none of it compared to listening to Merlin’s screams as he lived out some hellish nightmare.

Merlin had screamed and sobbed and begged not to be burned. No matter how many times Arthur tried to sooth him with promises that he would never let him burn, it never seemed to reach him. Even in his weakened state, he tried to fight them he was so desperate to protect himself. He’d completely pulled out the stitches Gaius put in. Eventually they’d had no choice but to tie him down to the cot to keep him from hurting himself.

Then this morning, he seemed to finally be making a turn around. His fever dropped and he had finally fallen into peaceful sleep. Gaius said that if his fever stayed down, he would recover. Those words had been the only reason that Arthur had been willing to leave for the meeting at all. And knowing that Gaius and Gwen were both watching over him.

At least, so he had thought until a sudden movement from the other side of the room caught his attention. Gwen was standing by the open doorway silently, but urgently waving for his attention.

Arthur didn’t care that one of the nobles was in the middle of speaking. He stood from his chair. “The meeting is adjourned. All other matters will be settled at a later date.” Then he rushed over to Gwen. The look of fear on her face told him it had been the right decision. “What’s happened?”

“It’s Merlin.” She half sobbed. “He’s gone.”

Arthur felt like the whole world had crumbled and broken beneath him. He might have fallen if he had been able to tell which way was down and which was up, but instead it was like he was stuck in an endless void.

Merlin. Was. Gone?

That wasn’t possible. He’d been making a turn around. He couldn’t—

“His bed is empty, and I don’t know where he is or how he got out of the ropes.” Gwen continued, and Arthur found himself blinking wildly trying to make sense of what she was saying. “I swear, I only left him alone for five minutes. Gaius was called away into town for an emergency, and he left Merlin in my care. But it felt like his temperature was rising so I went to go get more water to cool him. Then when I came back the window was open and he was gone!”

“Wait? You mean he’s vanished? Not dead?”

“Dead? No! I don’t think so. But he’s gone. It looked like he somehow woke up and packed a bag of his things and left! But he shouldn’t even be able to move with his injury. He could really hurt himself if we don’t find him and it’s freezing outside.”

Gwen’s panic was warranted, Merlin was in danger of harming himself farther every second he wasn’t in bed. Arthur called for the guards and ordered that everyone search for Merlin and bring him to Arthur immediately if he was found. Then Arthur ran off to search for Merlin himself.

The only way Merlin could have left on his own was with magic. But according to Gaius, his magic was very weak from his injury. If he had used magic to transport himself, there wouldn’t be any trail to follow, however Arthur hurried to Gaius’s room anyway. The best way to find your prey is to understand them. Something had caused Merlin to flee, and maybe that would give him a clue as to where he would go.

Arthur stood by Merlin’s empty cot. The worry in his stomach getting stronger at the drops of blood trailing across the floor. Not only was Merlin missing, but he had obvious reopened his wound again. He needed to figure out where he was now! But he couldn’t think. He couldn’t think with all the noise outside.

For a moment, Arthur glared out the window at the men piling wood for the winter festival, and suddenly it was like he was seeing through Merlin’s eyes. Merlin who had been dreaming of burning for days who suddenly woke up alone, tied to a bed, watching wood being piled. Gods how could he have been such a fool to leave Merlin’s side after he’d promised to keep him safe.

Knowing Merlin, he would be trying to get as far away from Camelot as possible. He would be heading for the forest. That’s where they needed to expand their search.

After passing word onto the other knights of where to search, Arthur grabbed his fastest horse and headed out into the woods. For Arthur, the snow was a blessing, it was much easier to track blood contrasted against the pure white. For Merlin, it could be a death sentence. Every minute he was out there, losing blood, he was getting closer to the death he had just barely avoided already.

When Arthur finally found Merlin, he hadn’t imagined anything could be worse than seeing him unresponsive on that battlefield. Now, he was laying collapsed in the snow dead still.

“Merlin!” Arthur ran to him. Turning him over and feeling for a pulse. He found it. But he was so cold. Arthur rubbed his hands everywhere he could trying to warm him up and kept calling to him. “Damn it, open your eyes. You stupid reckless idiot. Open your eyes now or I’m going to have you cleaning the stables every day for the rest of your life. Merlin!”

Then eyes blinked open at him. They were cloudy with fever, but they were looking at him for the first time in days. “Arthur?”

Nodding, Arthur cupped his hand around Merlin’s cheek. Merlin leaned into the touch like a kitten curling into a sunbeam for the first time. Then suddenly, as if Arthur’s touch had burned him, he pulled away. The harsh movement obviously pulling at his wound and making him moan in pain.

“Don’t move you idiot!” Arthur warned. “I have to get you back to the castle.”

Already he was calculating how to get Merlin onto his horse.

“No!” But Merlin was crying at him once again. The same way he had through the rest of his fever. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Arthur. I don’t want to burn.” Every word from his mouth was like a dagger to Arthur’s heart. “Don’t let me burn. Just leave me here. You’ll never see me again. I’ll never hurt anyone with my magic, I swear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Had he really been such a horrible friend that Merlin thought him capable of causing him harm? “Please don’t let me burn.”

He knew words were useless with Merlin in this state, but he would never stop assuring him of the truth. Arthur cradled Merlin to his chest. “Shh, you’re safe Merlin. You’re not going to burn. I’d never let that happen. I’ll protect you. I know you’d never hurt anyone. You’re safe.”

For the first time though, Merin showed signs that he had actually understood Arthur. He blinked up at him, his eyes wide with that blind trust that Merlin used to reserve only for him. “I’m safe?”

“Yes, Merlin. You’re always safe with me.”

After that Merlin asked even more questions, and Arthur explained everything to him. Through the whole exchange he kept shivering, which only made Arthur hold him closer. He’d wrapped Merlin in his cloak, but it wasn’t enough. He was too afraid to let him go long enough to put him on the horse. Luckily, Gwaine arrived and helped place Merlin in his arms once he was saddled.

Then he rode like the wind straight back to the castle. He was informed as he swung through the gate that Gaius still had not yet arrived, but Merlin’s condition was growing more dire. His body had stopped shivering even though his skin was still ice cold. Arthur had to get his temperature up now or it didn’t matter if Gaius made it or not.

He wasn’t losing Merlin ever again.

“Have Gaius’s supplies to clean a wound brought to my room and bring as much firewood as possible to my chambers.” Arthur ordered, even as he was rushing there himself.

The moment he stepped into his chambers, he placed Merlin on the bed and began to strip him of the wet clothes, extra careful of his wound. When the supplies were brought, he got to work cleaning and rebandaging the wound at least enough to stop the sluggish bleeding. Gaius had showed him enough times for him to be able to do that much. Then he settled Merlin under the blankets and quickly began to disrobe himself. Skin to skin was the fastest way to increase body heat.

Arthur cuddled in next to Merlin. Gently pulling Merlin’s body against his own.

That’s how Gaius found them when he arrived. Arthur didn’t move except to shift Merlin so Gaius could better examine him.

“Is he going to be alright?” Arthur asked.

“It is difficult to tell. Though you did well to warm him back up so quickly. He’s not out of danger yet, it appears he is suffering from a relapse of the previous infection. But his body seems to actually be resting this time and that will be a benefit in his favor.” Gaius concluded. “I would say that we can have him moved back to his cot later this ev—”

“No.” Arthur nearly snapped it, but he caught himself. “He’ll stay here. He’ll be safer here, Gaius. The room is warmer, and he’s less likely to make another escape attempt from so high up. He stays.”

The next two days, Arthur spent on vigilant watch. He rarely left Merlin’s side. In fact there had only been two occasions, but during those times he left at least two of their friends with him. He made sure to do as much of his work as possible in his chambers so he could keep an eye on him at all times. But sometimes, in the quiet of the morning before the rest of the castle had even woken, he found himself just sitting in a chair next to the bed watching him breathe.

It was the only thing that could settle the restlessness in his heart. At least the only thing other than Merlin opening his eyes again. One would have thought it would be enough to sleep next to him each night, but it wasn’t. Arthur kept waking up with a start from dreams of Merlin slipping away while he wasn’t watching.

“Come on.” Arthur whispered as he leaned closer to Merlin. “Wake up you clotpole.”

Perhaps Merlin had heard him, or maybe the gods had finally answered his prayers, but slowly, Merlin’s eyes began to twitch. His eyelashes fluttered. His breathing changed though it’s rhythm was still calm and rested.

“Merlin?” Arthur eagerly called.

Then he was rewarded with Merlin’s familiar eyes. This time not hot with fever or iced with fear, but happy as he stared back at Arthur. “Arthur?”

Arthur couldn’t contain himself anymore. He grabbed Merlin’s hand and went to pull it to his lips before he thought better of it and pressed it against his forehead instead. “Thank all the gods. You had a bad relapse a few days ago and I thought…” He’d thought he was dead. “I feared….” That he might still slip from his grasp again. But he didn’t say any of that. “It doesn’t matter. How are you feeling? Are you in pain? What do you remember?”

Merlin blinked at him in that way he always did when Arthur asked him about some royal tradition Merlin had never heard of. “Not sure.”

“To which question?”

“All of them.” His eyes shifted enough to look around the room which only seemed to confuse him more. “Arthur, am I in your room?”

“Yes. We had no choice. After your little adventure through the window, which gave Gwen a heart attack by the way, we couldn’t chance you trying to escape in some fever dream again. I figured even feverish you wouldn’t jump from the top of the tower. Plus, we realized you needed more attentive care. It was easier to keep you here with me. When I wasn’t here Gwen, or Gaius, or one of the knights stayed with you.”

Merlin stared at him like he had no clue what Arthur was talking about. Well that answered the question of what he remembered. Nothing.

“Arthur, I’m not really sure what’s going on.” Merlin admitted. “Aren’t you…shouldn’t you be furious at me right now?”

It was hard to be furious at anyone who had been on their deathbed for days. Still, now that he could see Merlin was fine, the anger he’d had for Merlin putting himself in danger was creeping back. “You bet I am. You put yourself in a lot of danger, Merlin, and I won’t stand for it. You’re my servant,” magic or not, “and you can’t die without my permission. Got that?”

“No, no.” Merlin pushed up a little against the pillows, so he was propped up. “I’m a sorcerer. I have magic. You should hate me. Or at least turn me over to your father to burn.”

Even the thought of it sent a fresh wave of panic through Arthur. “Hell no! My father won’t ever lay a finger on you so long as I breathe.” He had seen what Uther was capable of when even a whisper of magic. But it was obvious that for some reason Merlin had gotten it in his head that Arthur felt the same way. Not that Arthur really could blame him after he’d been forced to pretend to agree with his father’s teachings or suffer a similar fate. Either way, he needed to correct Merlin of that fact right now. “I could never hate you, Merlin. I could never stand by and watch you get hurt. Not again.”

He realized only then that he was still holding onto Merlin’s hand. The same way he had through his whole illness. Like if he loosened his grip for just a second Merlin would slip away from him.

“Arthur? But… when you saw me using magic in the forest. You looked so angry, and you looked at me like you were terrified of me.”

“I was angry and scared but not at you, for you. Merlin by the time you saved me with your magic, a bandit had already gotten behind you and stabbed a knife through your back. You just stood there frozen, the god bleeding from your eyes as your body just collapsed. Gods, I’ve never been so scared and angry in my life.”

 Arthur watched as realization settled into Merlin’s eyes. Like he had put the puzzle pieces back together in the right order. Still Arthur continued. “I killed him. The bandit that attacked you. He’d tried to run, but I threw my sword straight through his back. Should have done worse after what he did to you.” His voice hitched like the tears were going to return. But now wasn’t the time to be weak or show his emotions. Right now he needed to be strong for Merlin, so he pushed on. “By the time I got to you, you were already…I couldn’t wake you up. There was so much blood, Merlin. You were choking on it as you tried to breathe. Even so close to Camelot, I didn’t think you’d make it to Gaius before…”

He'd been unable to hold it back after all and a traitorous tear slipped down his face.

“Arthur,” there was so much tenderness in the way Merlin said it, that more tears began to break lose. But Merlin’s hands were reaching out for him. Pulling him into the bed so they were pressed against each other. Arthur let Merlin position him so his ear lay pressed against Merlin’s heart. “It’s alright. I’m here, Arthur. I’m here.”

“You almost weren’t.” For the first time in what he thought was his whole life, Arthur let himself cry as all the emotions he had been holding back for the last week swamped him. “You don’t understand how close I was to losing you. Even though Gaius was able to close the wound, you’d lost so much blood and it became infected. You were delirious with fever for days. You kept fighting us and screaming. We had to tie you down to keep you from hurting yourself.”

It had broken him. Having to wrap that rope around Merlin’s thin wrists and watch them turn raw from the way he fought him. But it had been the only way to keep him from hurting himself more.

“Every time you regained consciousness you didn’t seem to know what was going on around you. You kept thinking you were going to be burned. You were so scared, so scared and nothing I did helped you. Merlin,” Arthur turned his head to look deep into Merlin’s eyes because he had to be sure that Merlin understood this next part. “You have to know I would never let that happen to you. I will always keep you safe. I can’t ever go through that again.”

Merlin simply smiled at him. “Really, Arthur, didn’t realize you cared,” he said in that same joking tone they always used.

But it wasn’t a joke. Arthur never wanted it to be a joke every again. He had promised himself that when Merlin woke up, he would say the words. “Merlin, I was too afraid to say it before. I let my fear stop me from telling you the truth. You could have died and never known. I love you, Merlin.”

As the seconds passed Arthur feared he had screwed up anyway. That Merlin would laugh in his face or push him away out of disgust. Instead he smiled like Arthur had just put the sun in his hands. “I love you too.”

It was impossible to know which one of them leaned foreword first. They met in the middle in a passionate kiss. Then they just held each other. Merlin dozed off once again, but Arthur never moved from his spot.

When Merlin woke again, he asked. “Arthur? I know I’ve been pretty obvious about being in love with you for a long time,” that was news to Arthur he would have to ask about later, “but I really didn’t think the feeling was mutual. When did you fall in love with me?”

 “When wasn’t I in love with you.” Because truthfully Arthur didn’t know. “I think I’ve been in love with you since the day you first walked into Camelot. But all my life I’ve had people telling me who I should be and what my future would be like. I wasn’t allowed to fall in love and I almost lost you because I believed it. For too long I made the mistake of hiding my feelings for you by well being a jerk. Sorry for that. But I swear to you Merlin, I will keep you safe.”

Merlin gave a small laugh. “You do know that’s my job, right? That’s why I was given this magic. To keep you safe, which is such a harder job than it sounds.”

That explained so much. But Arthur wasn’t going to stand on the sidelines while Merlin did all the work. He was a knight gods dammit and he could fight too.

“Then we’ll keep each other safe.”

With that promise, Arthur finally let himself rest as he held Merlin in his arms.