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They never really understood love. Having a condition that causes one to forget and forces them to live in the present makes love hard to perceive. Love often becomes a question, "Have I ever loved before? What does love even feel like?" they asked themselves often.
Some memories tend to stick better than others. The memories that end up sticking in their head are really unexplainable. Some people are easier to recall, others they have to see and hear before they can remember them, and the rest simply don't exist anymore. To them, there is no rest. Their life was like a worn and scratched cd playing before their eyes. It skipped and lagged through all the events and there was no way of helping it. They can worry about forgetting, but they are never sad about the things that they have forgotten because they simply don't know what they forgot. This drove them mad. The thought that every moment is a missing piece, a huge gap, but they can't pinpoint where it happened or what happened. There was nothing to be sad about since there was nothing to recall; there was everything to be sad about because they knew it was all missing. It used to be a dilemma that they went through every time they were conscious of their own actions. Every time they thought about it it was just like considering the idea for the very first time again. Then it started to stick, similar to the desultory hand full of memories that they kept locked away. Memories were sacred. The constant mental note to not forget what was happening was heavy on their heart, but it was something they couldn't quit telling themselves.
If they were alone they would drive themselves crazy. This is the very reason why they search for people. When they have friends around, there's more to focus on than what they may be missing. They've even adapted the act of being dense around their friends. Sure they were dense before, but now it's become a huge part of their personality. Being dense is the only way they can have fun without being questioned.
However, this friend was different. They figured being alone with him would be the same as any other friend. To some extent it was, but they caught themselves thinking of him often. Remembering his name wasn't hard, but they sometimes couldn't recall what he looked like. For a while, all they could remember was that he wore a blue shirt. Then they caught on to the southern tinge in his voice. His voice was a little softer and sweeter than most of their friends. Sometimes when he called and they recognized his voice they felt their heart beat a little faster. Seeing his face was like seeing his face for the first time every time. They started to realize this too. They knew it was him, but once they saw each other it was like reliving all their moments together, that they could remember of course. The first time they met would play before their eyes, and they weren't mad about that. It would just leave them stunned. Then they started thinking, "I don't do that with Posy or Steven or anyone else? Why is it just Troy?"
They were thinking too much, they knew that, but it was hard to stop. The feelings they had while around him were unusual to them, yet It was the realist feelings they ever remembered experiencing before. They were desperate to keep them. He was the only "normal" thing in their life. It was one of the things they really feared losing.
Right now it was just Troy and them, and their mind was running rampant with fear. They were walking down the pier together. They can't remember how they got there or why they were there together. That really bothered them.
The two made it to the west side of the pier. The sun was setting just ahead of them, and it glazed the water and sky with graceful hues of oranges and pinks. The water lapped against the pier. That was all they could hear, but all of a sudden their heartbeat began to ring in their ears. Everything was quiet and there was nothing else to focus on. No friends, no conversations, and no chaos. There was a mix of dread and happiness coursing through them. The dread of forgetting him and the bliss of being next to him. It made their head spin.
"You alright, Grog?" He asked with concern laced in his voice. They smiled from just hearing him talk. They glanced over at him to see him looking in their direction. Troy was leaned up against the railing, and the way he was hunched over slightly to do so made him seem even shorter next to them.
"Yeah, I just.." Grognak thought to themselves for a second as they looked out over the water. What made them remember simple things like how the sun sets and what colors it makes when it starts to set? Is it the same as how they remembered his name, what he wore, and his voice? Maybe it's because the sun was there every day. It was there and was a constant reminder, "I'm just thinking."
Troy was quiet for a moment. He was hesitating, and they feel it, "Would you like to talk about it? I don't think I've ever heard you so quiet before."
If Grognak couldn't see the sun all the time, they wouldn't know it was there. Things need to be constant to have them in their head, but that wasn't religiously true. Sometimes they wake up in an unfamiliar apartment. The home in which they live is easy for them to forget. Maybe they can try though. What's the harm in that?
"Grog? You sure you're okay? We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," His voice came through and broke their thoughts apart. It brought them back to the sunset and the handsome friend beside them.
"Sorry, I-erm... I have a question," Grognak felt a bit nervous for once and they couldn't fathom why. Was it the vulnerability that they felt? From what they can recall they usually don't open up to people.
"Sure. What is it?" Troy sounded nervous as well, yet he seemed to sound nervous around them all the time. They didn't know why.
"Can you look at me real quick?" The question obviously threw him off guard. He looked curious, almost dangerously curious.
Troy straightened up and turned to Grognak as a silent yes. Grognak turned to look at him as well. It was awkward for a second, but then they finally moved. Grognak raised their hand to go and remove his sunglasses, but they stopped. They needed approval first, "Can I?" Their voice was softer than they thought it could be.
It took Troy a second to understand, but then he hummed a yes. Grognak took his glasses off and hung them on the neck of his shirt. His eyes were green and they seemed to have a sparkle in them. Grognak was a little shocked at how pretty they were, and they never wanted to forget them. It was then they noticed the highs of his cheeks were kissed with the smallest amount of freckles. They seemed to be the source of being in the sun all day as a kid. He had a good bit of facial hair as well. His lips were pink, and they looked soft. The corners of his mouth twitched up into a nervous smile. How could they ever forget this?
The words then fell out of their mouth haphazardly, "I don't wanna forget you, Troy."
Grognak watched as his smile faded, and fear took over his face as events that had never occurred played before his eyes, "Well, if you ever do we'll work it out."
His optimism was worth a try, but it did nothing to make them feel better, "I'm afraid it won't be the same," they couldn't really look at him. They didn't like being this open, but they never know when their last moment of knowing him will be.
Troy sighed heavily while looking down at the worn boards of the pier that they stood on. He looked back up, and his hand found their chin. He gently turned Grognak back to look at him, "Hey, it ain't happened though. It'll be okay. I'm always gonna be here, Grognak. No matter what."
The sky around them was getting darker, and the crickets were starting to sing their songs. The stars began to reveal themselves in place of the sun that just hid below the horizon. The softest gust of wind blew from the east as it all seemed to make sense. Their heart began to race for what seemed to be the hundredth time that evening. He never took his hand back and all they could do was look at each other. Both were silent, but then Grognak asked aloud, "Is this what love feels like?"
Troy froze in place, letting Grognak continue their revelation, "The fear of losing you; the way I want to be near you; the way you care about me; the warm feeling I get in my chest when you look at me. Is this what love feels like, Troy?"
Troy took his hand back as he tried to process Grognak's bluntness. It was something he obviously wasn't expecting to hear from them. Their words only seemed to fluster him to the point where he couldn't really look at them. He fought his smile as if he was cautious of getting his hopes up too quickly. Grognak wasn't sure what that meant. He started quietly, "I uh... Everyone feels love differently, Grog. Do you think this is what love feels like for you?"
Grognak looked back off into the horizon. They smiled joyfully as they started to feel like themselves again. Turning back to Troy, they felt their heart stop. It really did make sense now. They took his hands and squeezed them reassuringly. Troy looked back at Grognak in a way that he's never really looked at anyone else before, "Yes, I believe so."
Troy opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, but no words came out. Their answer was short, but it was sincere. Their smile said it all. They could see the stress melt away from his face as if that was the answer he wanted to hear. Before any more words could be said he hugged them tightly. He buried his face into the crook of their neck and mumbled to himself, "Thank god."
Grognak hugged him back, swaying them slightly. The hug was the nicest hug they ever remembered having. They felt so warm on the inside. It felt like butterflies were in their stomach. They didn't let go of each other. Grognak was well aware that they could wake up in the morning and forget this ever happened between them and Troy or forget the realization that they came to that they have felt love before, but it simply didn't matter. If they just held him like it was the first and very last time every time, it would be okay. Living in the present was all they had, and they felt happier than ever to live through this moment. Troy's words bounced off the walls of their head, "I'm always gonna be here, Grognak. No matter what." and it was like the fear of forgetting evaporated at that moment. They were okay now and that's all that mattered.
Now is all that mattered.