Work Text:
Ajay Ghale’s Very Legitimate Attempt at Shrimp Dumplings
Dedicated to Pagan Min, but with special thanks to Chef [REDACTED] for his eventual – and only slightly resentful - assistance.
Ingredients:
Filling
1lb. Of shrimp, peeled and deveined.
½ teaspoon chicken bouillon powder
½ teaspoon of salt
2 teaspoons of sugar
2 tablespoons bamboo shoots
2 tablespoons Shaoxing wine
2 teaspoons sesame oil
4 teaspoons corn starch
3 dashes ground white pepper
Dumplings
1 1/2 cups wheat starch, + extra
2 tablespoons tapioca starch
1 cup boiling water
1 tablespoon oil
Directions:
Step 1. Stare at counter and your assorted ‘ingredients’, eat a cookie while deep in thought, worry about what a deveined shrimp actually entails. How many veins do shrimps have? That’s disgusting. Stop thinking about shrimp veins. Call over Chef [REDACTED], have this explained to you, thank Chef [REDACTED] for prepping said shrimp for you, enjoy second cookie. Contemplate telling him how much you loved his show, decide against it.
Step 2. Chop shrimp, wonder how finely chopped a shrimp should be. Contemplate this for entirely too long. Feel stupid, ask Chef [REDACTED]. Feel even more stupid. Dump chopped shrimp into bowl.
Step 3. Throw everything else – the wine, the shoots, all that – into bowl with shrimp. Stir ingredients together. Feel a sense of accomplishment at your slop in a bowl, you did a cooking thing! Filling wise, that’s it. You’re a genius.
Step 4. Be interrupted by Pagan mid congratulatory cookie, ignore laughter. The kitchen is hot down here, you look fine. It’s not that bad. Chef [REDACTED] has even stopped huffing, you‘re doing really well.
Step 5. Allow blush to subside. Stop frowning. There is nothing funny about cooking for someone else, something that is meant to be vaguely romantic is not that funny. Pagan is merely bored. Pretend not to notice when said petty man swipes your beloved cookies on the way out, no matter how much it pains you. Don't let it show.
Step 6. Remember the shrimpy mess in a bowl that you were mixing, throw mixture in fridge. Check your phone for fridge time, find nothing, shrug. If it was important, internet recipe would’ve said so.
Step 7. Hunt cupboard for substitute cookies, contemplate asking Chef [REDACTED] if he has a secret stash, be put off by his mega frown. Admit defeat, mourn your loss, move on.
Step 8. Combine wheat starch and tapioca starch, mix well. Make a sort of hole in the middle, pour in hot water. SLOWLY. Slower than that! Mop up your starchy, watery mess that has made it both down the counter side and onto your sneaker. Ignore glares from Chef [REDACTED]. Fetch more ingredients. Start again. Slowly. So slowly.
Step 9. Add oil. Kneed the sloppy, messy concoction until smooth. Don’t panic when the mess doesn’t go smooth. Keep at this for 5 minutes until Chef [REDACTED] huffs and does it for you. Thank him very nicely.
Step 10. Divide these up, form into a cylinder around 1 inch thick. Doubt self for a good few minutes, become confused by literally everything you just read. Say fuck it, cover with a damp towel and set timer for 15 minutes.
Step 11. Go find a comfy chair to play a mobile game in, Angry Birds is recommended but it’s very much dealers' choice. Realize how tired you are a whole 10 minutes into your game, rest eyes for 5 minutes.
Step 12. Wake up to a man 20 years older than you drawing a dick on your forehead, push said man off of you. Watch as this supposedly adult leaves, realize it’s been 2 hours and you forgot to set a timer entirely. Slink back into kitchen where Chef [REDACTED] has cleared most of your mess up entirely. Secretly, he likes you. You know it.
Step 13. Take out dumpling wrappers from fridge, attempt to cut into a quarter inch rounds. Realize something is Wrong. Dumplings are not meant to be like this. Your dumpling wrappers are dry. You killed them. A 2 hour nap has destroyed them. Search kitchen, realize that Chef [REDACTED] has gone for the evening. Stare at the mess you have created.
Step 14. Accept half of the sandwich that Gary has just made, both of you chewing and staring at the clump before you. Allow him to point out the dick on your forehead, don’t even grumble. He never even asks who did it. Gary knows. Gary has woken in much the same way. Share a sense of camaraderie with Gary. Poor, sweet Gary.
Step 15. Contemplate remaking the dumpling wrappers. Decide ‘fuck this’ and go looking for a frozen pizza. Pagan won’t care, especially if you leave the ink dick on your face. Pagan will just keep grinning and putting the pizza in.
Step 16. Be caught by Gary as you contemplate just cooking and eating the shrimp filling, catch the premade dumplings with your face as they are thrown to you. Accept Gary’s eyeroll, he is good people. Thank Gary. Throw your disastrous attempt in bin.
Step 17. Take premade dumpling wrapper, filling with a teaspoon of your shrimp slop and fold into half-moon shapes. Attempt to pinch these half-moons closed, the recipe suggests 7 to 10 pinches. Watch with a growing anger as the wrapper tears, either because you are an idiot or because cooking is hard. Aggressively pinch these half-moons closed.
Step 18. Do this at least 10 million times before sweet, sweet Gary decides to help you with the minimal amount of tutting. Thank the Gods for Gary.
Step 19. Steam dumplings, or at least watch Gary as he takes over. Whine briefly about the Great Cookie Theft of earlier, appreciate his noises of comfort that really mean nothing.
Step 20. Find the man who you’ve done all this for in front of a television that is both too large and too loud, realize that the King of Kyrat is asleep with his mouth open and the evidence of his cookie pilfering on the sofa beside him. Bribe Gary with your subpar shrimp dumplings to draw a dick on the King of Kyrat’s sleeping forehead, passing the plate back and forth between the two as you both add far too much detail and giggle. Turn down television, agree to blame a dick scribbling ghost when he finally wakes up.