Chapter Text
Baekhyun thinks he might be dying.
His chest is tight in a way that makes it seem like he is. Curled in the bathtub, lights closed, arms around his legs, he shudders with the pressure around his body. Building. Squeezing, like being stuffed into a small space, and it’s hard to breathe.
If only he would die here.
I’m tired.
Then stop, his mind says, being tired.
If he fills up the tub with water, maybe the sound will stop the pressure. Maybe the sensation of his clothes soaking up warmth will let him feel again. Everything seems too much and not enough. Blindly, he grapples for the knob and hisses at the cold water that gushes out. No, bad idea. He turns it to the left and backs away. But it’s still running. He closes his eyes and resumes his previous position.
It laps at his feet. Warmer this time. He scrunches more into himself. Then, blankly, puts a hand down to feel the water as it rises. Past his fingertips and higher. To his wrist, crawling up.
The cut on his arm stings.
“I need to stop,” Baekhyun says. But the words sound far away. He knows what he’s doing but it’s too hard to stop, too hard not to sink away from the core of everything. The surface of his mind is too troublesome and he just wants to rest. He’s so tired.
Empty again. Baekhyun runs his fingertips over the top of the water once, twice, then fast enough to make drops of it fly forward. He feels a familiar child-like curiosity as he does. What will happen if he keeps doing this? Can he make it go over the edge of the tub if he hits the water hard enough? He wants to see what will happen. Or what if he kicks his feet? Maybe all of it will spill out, and even the curtain will get wet, and the carpet, but he can’t kick very hard with the water so high it’s up to his elbows, and maybe he would get in trouble so it’s not a good idea anyway.
He wants to know what will happen if he pours soap in the water. Will it sink to the bottom? It’s liquid-y and smells like something he knows. He holds it like a ketchup bottle, watching the blue squirt into his lap. It doesn’t do much. But maybe if he pours more...
“... hyun. Baekhyun.”
A hand comes out and gently turns the bottle over. He stares at it. His hand, and the soap, and the other hand that’s covering his. His chest is tight.
“What are you doing?” is said softly beside him. He doesn’t stop staring at their hands.
That’s Kyungsoo’s voice. He knows that voice. But it’s distant from him. So familiar, but so distant.
Baekhyun wants to see the bubbles again. He frowns.
“No more soap, baby,” Kyungsoo says, tugging the bottle away from him when he tries to tilt it again. “There’s a lot already. See?”
“Want,” Baekhyun says after some struggle.
“I know you do. But don’t you think it smells funny if you put more? I don’t think you want to smell funny.”
It doesn’t smell funny. But Kyungsoo must be right. He sounds like he’s right. And he’s always right when he sounds like he’s right.
Still, Baekhyun’s eyes water. He wants the soap. He wants to make everything spill over. He wants...
“Shh... shh, it’s alright.”
“More.”
“More what, baby? More water? There’s a lot of water already.”
“Off?” Baekhyun asks with difficulty, brow furrowing. It’s hard to form words when everything is so mushy. He’s struggling to breathe a little. Grabbing Kyungsoo’s arm, clinging to it, is like grabbing onto his sanity. Safety and solidity.
“I turned it off,” Kyungsoo confirms gently. “Do you want to come out? I don’t want you getting sick.”
He shakes his head fervently and digs his nails into Kyungsoo’s skin. Kyungsoo winces.
“Okay, baby, I understand. I’m not going away, I promise. I’m just going to get up so I can join you, okay?”
Baekhyun won’t let go of his arm. He grips tighter when Kyungsoo stands. It’s only when Kyungsoo step over and sinks into the water with him, holding him, that he lets his hand loosen.
“Oh, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says softly. Baekhyun rests his head against his chest and watches the water ripple. Lights. There are so many lights. When?
This surrounding is safe. He is enclosed but it’s warm. And he can feel skin on skin where Kyungsoo’s hands touch his arms as he envelopes him. Tired. But his chest is still tight. And his wrist...
“Daddy,” Baekhyun whimpers. No, no, no—
“Shh... it’s okay. I’m here.”
“No, no, no, no...”
“Baby.”
He can’t stop whispering it. He shakes his head. “I don’t want to. I don’t.”
“Okay. We won’t, I promise. Okay, baby? It’s okay. We’re okay.”
“I don’t want to,” Baekhyun cries, turning into his chest. “It hurts.”
“Hurts? What hurts?” Kyungsoo straightens, searches him over. Then, he hears him curse.
“Don’t, no—“
“Baby. Look at me.”
“No—!”
“Come on, baby,” Kyungsoo says, so, so tenderly. “Look at me.”
It takes a moment. Baekhyun sniffs, lifts his head.
Kyungsoo’s eyes are a warm, worried, steady brown that doesn’t leave his face. Hushed and so loving, Kyungsoo says, “There you are.”
Vaguely, Baekhyun registers that Kyungsoo is taking his left hand. The numb sting that was there suddenly sharpens, and he jerks away.
“It’s alright. I just want to see. Can daddy see?”
It’s said a little awkwardly but it’s enough. Instantly, Baekhyun gives in.
“Thank you,” Kyungsoo says. His brow furrows. “Daddy needs to clean this up. It’s going to be bad if we don’t. So you can either stay here and wait for daddy or you can come with me.”
Baekhyun raises his arms.
“Okay. Come here.”
Kyungsoo steps out and bends to let Baekhyun hold onto his neck. Then he lifts him up with a little difficulty, putting him on the closed toilet bowl. He takes a towel and wraps it around his shoulders.
“Can you close your eyes for me, baby?” Kyungsoo asks as he kneels in front of him. Baekhyun sees the big white box with the big red cross and closes his eyes. “It’s going to be super quick, okay?”
The pain is sudden and he lets out a sob. But it’s quick like Kyungsoo promised. Bit by bit, Kyungsoo gets him all better, helping him change into dry clothes and getting the water out of his hair with the towel.
“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Baekhyun says at the floor, fiddling with his fingers. The bandages make his hand feel weird. But at least it doesn’t hurt anymore.
“Were you trying to cook earlier? Is that why you have that cut?”
He fidgets more, avoiding Kyungsoo’s eyes.
“I’m not upset with you, baby,” Kyungsoo says, tilting his head up with a gentle hand cupping his face. “It’s okay if that’s what happened. I was just asking because I was worried, that’s all.”
Baekhyun chews on his lip. He nods.
Standing, Kyungsoo rubs his shoulder soothingly. “Okay. Want to wait in bed while I make something? What do you want? A meal or a snack?”
Baekhyun blinks.
“Bed or with me?”
Silence.
“Baby?”
Kyungsoo breathes out when Baekhyun supplies no answer.
“Let’s get you to bed.”
This time, Kyungsoo takes his uninjured hand. Baekhyun stands and shuffles behind him. His hair is still wet but Kyungsoo leads him to bed anyway, giving him his favorite pillow to hug while he waits. It’s okay to watch Kyungsoo walk out the door, as long as he leaves it wide open and Baekhyun has his pillow. He closes his eyes. When he opens them again Kyungsoo is back with chicken nuggets and a glass of water for him to drink.
“What is it?” Kyungsoo asks when he doesn’t touch it after some time. “Do you not like it?”
Why does his chest hurt? And his stomach. He doesn’t like it. It’s an uncomfortable, suffocating feeling. Like a smoke curling up in his lungs and a weight on top of him.
He wants his daddy. He doesn’t want to think anymore. It hurts to think. He wants to let go of everything like a ribbon in the wind. He saw that in a movie once. Pretty, red ribbon, flying out of a train at the end of the film. If his thoughts could he like that it would be pretty, too.
“Alright,” Kyungsoo says when Baekhyun takes the bottom of his shirt and tugs. Yes, this is better. They sit back to chest, Baekhyun in between Kyungsoo’s legs while Kyungsoo holds him. If he eats like this he’ll feel better. Because daddy is here to think for him, and his thoughts can be pretty again.
He sniffles as he eats. His eyes are watering but he doesn’t know why. Kyungsoo hushes him and holds him tighter, like he wants to squeeze the hurt out of him. That would be funny. And it’s kind of working, at least he thinks so. The suffocating feeling in his chest feels weaker when Kyungsoo holds him tightly. If it’s like this, he’ll be okay.
He eats and Kyungsoo leaves to clean up. Baekhyun is sleepy. This time when he closes his eyes, he falls asleep.
He wakes up to Kyungsoo sliding into bed. Kyungsoo looks exhausted, but still manages a soft smile as he holds him in his arms.
“I’m sorry for disturbing you, baby. Go back to sleep.”
“Kyungsoo...”
The name instantly makes Kyungsoo retake. “Baekhyun.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have... I don’t know what...”
“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says. “We don’t have to talk about it right now.”
“I don’t want to die,” Baekhyun says, because he feels he has to. “I’m just overwhelmed.”
“Shh... it’s okay.” No need to explain, is what he’s saying. Baekhyun feels so sorry. But he also feels so loved.
“You must have been so scared.”
“It’s scary,” Kyungsoo admits, “but I’m willing to be scared if it makes you okay.”
He must have been tired, too. Baekhyun closes his eyes again. “Thank you,” he breathes.
They’ll talk tomorrow.