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Castiel had been on earth for over a decade by now. He had died and come back to life more times than he could count. He had fought monsters and angels and demons and God Himself. He had killed. He had raised a son. He had told his best friend that he loved him. He had sacrificed himself to save him. For centuries Castiel had been an angel of the Lord. And after his son, now technically God, had brough him back to life, Cas was now a human. Cas was a human, his feet was bare, he had sand stuck between his toes and Dean Winchester was holding his hand. Dean was lazily stroking his thump across the back of his hand. And despite the ocean that stretched out before them, Cas couldn’t take his eyes off him.
When Cas had stumbled into the bunker, dazed and confused, Dean had informed him that it had been two weeks since the Empty took him. Dean and Sam, who had been surprised yet delighted to see him, had welcomed Cas back into their lives. Or more specifically what had happened was that when Cas had stepped into the bunker, Dean had come in from the library, expecting trouble since he wasn’t expecting visitors, but had stopped dead in his tracks when he had seen the man he assumed was dead in his home.
“Hello Dean.”
The gun Dean had been holding feel to the floor, and seconds after Cas had Dean in his arms. He barely noticed when Sam came into the room seconds later, because Dean was sobbing quietly with his arms wrapped around Cas’ waist underneath his trench coat, tugging him as close as possible. Another pair of strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, and neither of them said anything for a moment while Cas, Dean and Sam held each other, the only sound in the room being Dean’s ragged breathing.
Later, after Sam and Dean had informed him that he had been dead for two weeks, and they had come to the conclusion that Jack must have brought Cas back from the Empty, he also realised that he wasn’t an angel anymore. His mind had been otherwise preoccupied so it wasn’t until he had sat in the bunker’s kitchen for about an hour that he realised he didn’t have his angel powers anymore, and that he felt hunger in a way he hadn’t since the last time he had been human. When he had explained his discovery to the brothers, neither of them seem particularly bothered.
Three days later they were on the road. Dean had come into the kitchen the day following Cas’ miraculous return while Cas and Sam were drinking coffee at the kitchen table and declared that by now, they definitely deserved that vacation he had been talking about for years. So by midday they had packed the car and hit the road. Cas was in the backseat like usual, with Dean driving and Sam in the passenger’s seat. When Dean wasn’t singing along to the radio or telling jokes, he kept catching Cas’ eyes in the rear-view mirror, not turning his eyes away until he absolutely had to look at the road. Sam was smiling softly at Dean and Cas had the thought that it had been some time since Sam had seen his brother in a good mood.
They checked into their motel, and while Sam went on a beer run, Cas and Dean went down to the beach. The sun was setting, and Dean was telling him some ridicules story from when he and Sam was children. Cas was laughing but stopped when Dean put his hand on his arm.
“Cas, what you said to me in the bunker – did you mean it?” They had stopped walking, and Dean was holding himself tightly, like he was preparing himself for impact.
“Yes Dean, I meant every single word,” Cas replied.
Dean made a sound like all the air had been punched out of his lungs, and he hugged Cas tightly. “I love you too, Cas.”
That is how Cas found himself sitting shoulder-to-shoulder next to Dean in the cooling sand, with their fingers wrapped around each other. So when Dean asked: “Can I?”, Cas nodded his consent. Dean’s free hand softly touched his cheek before he gently pressed his lips against Cas’. This kiss was nothing like the kisses he had shared with Meg or April, whose lips had been needy and filled with lust. This was simply just the soft press of Dean’s lips against his own and the cool ocean breeze on his neck, and they had to break away from each other quite quickly because they both were smiling too much. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder while Dean stroked his hair, and they watched the sun go down together.
When they came back to the hotel, Sam was scrolling through his phone, having gotten back from the store hours ago. He hadn’t come to look for them, and Cas thought that Sam probably could sense that he and Dean had needed some time alone. Sam did his best to act normal during dinner, but when Dean got up to get another beer and his fingers gently, absentmindedly brushed Cas’ shoulder as he walked past him, Sam gave Cas a soft smile.
When they returned home a handful of days later it was with suntanned skin and the bottom of their bags filled with sand, which Dean complained about for as long as it took him to unpack said bag. Sam seemed happy that they had such mundane problems. They ate dinner together, and afterwards Sam informed them that Eileen was in town, so he was going to go and grab a drink with her. Cas helped Dean with the washing up and then they sat down on the couch to watch a movie, like they had done hundred of times before. Cas spend the first thirty minutes of the movie staring at the screen and collection all his courage. When Dean chuckled softly at something that happened on the screen Cas turned to him and kissed him.
This seemed to surprise Dean, but he did enthusiastically kiss Cas back. This had been their first kiss since the one they shared on the beach almost a week ago. Dean had said that he wanted to tell Sam before they started acting like a couple in front of him, which Cas could understand. Just knowing that Dean loved him back in the same way that Cas had loved him for years was so much more than he had ever hoped for, and there was no more that he would ever ask for. But when he had laid sleepless in his bed that night, he had realised that he would have to engage in sexual activities with Dean eventually.
Yes, Castiel used to be unaware about sex to a certain degree when he had first inhabited this body, but with a decade of Hollywood movies and Dean telling anecdotes about the women he had slept with and the flashes of porn he had been scolded for watching with the brothers in the room, Cas had picked up the basics. So, when April had invited him into her home and her bed, he had known what he was expected to do.
Cas had never really understood the appeal with sex, but he knew that it was what people did with each other when they loved each other, and he really loved Dean. For him he could push through the discomfort he felt. Cas used to think that his disinterest in sex was a part of being an angel. For him it seemed logical that complicated and unsophisticated human feelings like lust and desire would not affect him, but the other angels he had meet on earth didn’t seem to have the same hesitation that he did. Even as a human Cas’ feelings did not change, and he didn’t understand the pull that people talked about when they had tried to explain sexual desire to him. He was perfectly content sitting next to Dean as they watched a movie together. But he didn’t want Dean to think that he didn’t love him or eventually become bored with him and move on. That is why he pushed his hands through Dean’s hair, and clumsily tried to deepen the kiss.
Dean groaned against his mouth, so Cas decided not to waste any more time and started to unbuckle Dean’s belt. This seemed to surprise Dean and he broke away from Cas. He chuckled nervously as he gently grabbed Cas’ hand, moving it away from his crotch and placing it on his knee instead. Some of the anxiety that had started to fill Cas’ brain disappeared when Dean started to stroke the back of his hand with his thumb.
“Moving a bit fast, aren’t we buddy?” Dean asked.
“I assumed that’s what you wanted.”
“’What I wanted?’” he repeated.
“To have sex with me,” Cas replied.
“Being that direct really helps setting the mood,” Dean joked.
Cas was in so far above his head that he just frowned at Dean.
“Do you want to have sex with me?” Dean asked him so earnestly that it surprised Cas.
“Yes.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling the truth?”
This stopped Cas in his tracks. “I love you Dean. So, I want to sleep with you.”
“Cas, you don’t have to sleep with someone even though you love them. I have slept with plenty of people I haven’t loved and loved people I didn’t sleep with.”
“But I thought…”
“What I’m trying to say is that I have noticed, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you want to have sex with anyone, not even me. I know it not because you don’t love me, maybe that’s just not something you’re into. And that’s okay.”
Cas desperately tried to collect his thoughts. Dean had just told him that he didn’t care whether they had sex. That was a possibility he never had considered. But somethings still didn’t make sense to him.
“But Dean, I know how important sex is to you. I would never take that away from you.”
For the first time since the start of their conversation Dean averted his eyes from Cas'.
“Listen Cas, I know that for the first few years that you knew me I really played into this super-manly ladies-man persona, but it’s just not me anymore. I don’t know if it’s because I have gotten older or maybe all the shit I have experienced have fucked me up or something. I just know that sex isn’t really something that I’m interested in anymore.” Cas was speechless. Dean Winchester, a man who for many years thought of the high number of people he had slept with as a part of his personality, had just confessed to him that he didn’t want to have sex anymore.
“When I was younger,” Dean continued, “I used to think that I could have sex with someone instead of opening up to them. To me, it seemed less vulnerable to get someone in bed with me, than it did to actually let them get to know me. But you know me Cas, and even though I have a hard time understanding why, you’re still here with me. You don’t have to prove yourself or be something that you think I want you to be. Because I want you just as you are, okay?”
“Okay.” Cas was filled with several feelings at the same time, and he didn’t know how to articulate any of them.
“Cas,” Dean said.
“Yes?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Like you did at the beach?”
“Yeah, like I did at the beach.”
“Yes.”
And he did.