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"Did you know?" Julie frowns, staring down at her phone.
"No," Luke answers, and his voice sounds sincere. "Jules, you know I would have told you if I had known about something like this."
"Why didn't he—he didn't tell us? Why didn't he tell us? Did he think—did he not want—why didn't—" She cuts herself off and furrows her eyebrows. She locks her phone and crosses her arms, looking up at Luke. "Luke," she says, voice cracking, "I don't—I don't want to lose him just because—"
"I know," Luke hums, stepping close to pull Julie into a hug. Her arms are still wrapped tight around her chest so it's awkward, but it looks comfortable anyways. Alex vaguely recalls when Willie would pout and he'd pull him in and he'd feel Willie's elbows dig into his chest and it wasn't perfect but it was nice and good and intimate and—
No. He shakes his head. No. He's not thinking of that anymore. He's not thinking of him anymore. He—he left him. He chose school over Alex, and then decided they couldn't even be friends. So—no. He's not thinking of him anymore. He's not thinking of him anymore, but he is thinking of his friends, so he turns his attention to them.
"Hey," he says, walking into the greenroom. Julie breaks away from Luke and she snaps her head around to look at Alex. She looks entirely panicked and—that's not good. "Hey, guys, what's up? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Julie says quickly, which is a tell tale sign that something is genuinely wrong. Alex's shoulders tense, he frowns at her, and steps nearer. She takes a step back. "Seriously, Alex, it's nothing."
Alex pauses, because, like, Julie looks genuinely terrified right now, and he's worried she's scared of him and—and holy fuck, that's a terrifying thought. He's not sure why she would be, but he never wants her to be scared of him, so he relaxes his shoulders and relaxes his face. "Julie," he says, voice gentle. "Come on, you know you can tell me anything."
"I know, Alex," she says. "This isn't my thing to tell."
He frowns. "Who's is it?"
Luke takes a step forward. "It's Willie's," he says.
And—Luke has always been more blunt than Julie. There are times that Alex appreciates it, and others that he doesn't. Alex isn't sure whether he appreciates it or not now. He can't figure out what Willie's 'thing' is from the conversation he over heard earlier is, so it's a bit of both. And he wants to know. God damnit, he wants to know, he needs to know. Like, Willie is his best friend, why does Julie get to know and he doesn't? Just because they're not talking at the moment doesn't make the fact that Willie is still the person that Alex would take a fucking bullet for irrelevant. Willie is—Willie is his in all the ways that matter to him: his best friend, his first love, his only love.
He thinks he deserves to know, but he knows that there's no way Julie or Luke are going to tell him.
So, he's going to find out on his own.
Admittedly, he's distracted for the show. He can't stop thinking about Willie, which isn't much different than normal, but it's increased tenfold. It's all that's on his mind and he counts himself lucky that he doesn't miss a beat throughout the show.
It's not until they're loaded on the bus and headed to their next stop that he gets to look in to it. He starts with instagram because instagram is always the place to check. But in his feed, in his story, there's nothing. So Alex tries twitter. And there's nothing there either. So he figures that it might have been something in their group chat that he's not in and he squeezes his phone in his hand, ready to chuck it across the bed. But—no. He's not going to do that. He's an adult. He can be mature about this. So—he goes back to instagram to scroll and Willie did post a picture yesterday—it's a view of campus from one of the upper floors of his favorite library. He used to send pictures like these to Alex all the time. So, Alex resists clicking like because they're—apparently they're not there yet, even if they still follow one another.
And then, because he's lingering, he sees it.
Just one word, out of the corner of his eye.
Babe.
He blinks, but it's still there.
kha_ledd_02 lmao have you left the library at all in the last two days babe?
Babe.
Alex taps on the profile without thinking and—
His breath is punched from his gut as he sees the photos littering this—he glances at the name—Khaled's page. There are some of UCLA, some of Powell Cat, some of what seems to be his family, his friends, study sessions, hiking trips, but—but—Willie. There's Willie. There's a lot of Willie.
He taps on the guy's most recent picture and—Willie's tagged. So, like, it's not a look-a-like. It's not a doppelganger. It's—that's really Willie. And Willie—he's smiling. It's maybe not the most loving smile, but it's soft, it's relaxed, it's genuine. He's actually happy.
Pain rips through Alex's chest and he turns his phone screen off and leans forward to set it on the end of his bed, out of his reach when he's sitting upright.
What the fuck.
What the fuck?
He pauses, holding his breath, and then reaches for his phone and unlocks it and—the picture is still there. He glances at the caption quick, and when he reads 'five months strong' he—he thinks he maybe blacks out.
Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic.
But he's also not sure how else to describe what happens because what the fuck?
He counts backwards in his head and—June? Willie started dating someone in June? They dated for four and a half years and he didn't even take four and a half months to move on? Alex can't even stomach the thought of being with someone else, and he knows that's not healthy, he knows that's not okay, but that's the reality of the situation. He thought—he had thought maybe he and Willie had been in this together at the very least.
His eyes focus back in on the picture and—he looks… Khaled looks—he… Alex doesn't even know what he can say bad about him. He's an attractive guy. The smile he's wearing looks genuine. The way he's looking at Willie is sweet, like he's falling in love right in that moment. He exits the picture and clicks on another—oh god he's a psych major Alex thinks as he reads the caption beneath his library post. Even more for him and Willie to talk about, to bond over. And he probably understands grad school. Fuck, he's probably going to grad school. That won't be a breaking point in their relationship because they'll understand one another, they'll get the demands that grad school calls for that Alex could never have put up with. And—he goes back again and clicks on another picture of him and his family and—he seems sweet. He seems kind, and genuine, and like everything Willie deserves.
Alex hates him.
He hates him.
He can feel heat in the back of his throat as the anxiety and panic build, he sees the words start to blur as the world around him begins spinning. He goes back to the picture of Willie and Khaled, locks his phone and sets it down, and—he thinks of Willie's voice. Hears him tick off the numbers for him, listens to the gentle cadence of his counting. His voice has been getting quieter and quieter, fuzzier and fuzzier, but Alex can always refresh his memory by watching old videos. And he does. He does watch old videos, more than he lets anyone know. He has an entire folder in his Google account dedicated solely to the days when he struggles to remember what Willie's voice sounds like, what his laugh sounds like, how he sounds when he sings along to Queen in the car.
Willie's voice counting to him tonight though—it's just making him more anxious. What if Khaled has anxiety? What if Willie does breathing exercises with him? What if Willie holds him the same way? What if Willie loves him the same way?
Alex is going to be sick.
He scrambles out of his bed and stumbles towards the living area because he hears their voices and he—he needs them. He can't do this without them.
Julie, Luke, and Reggie are all sat in the living area when he gets there and when he enters, they look up. Alex doesn't know what he looks like, but from the way Julie immediately straightens up and switches from smiling to frowning, he knows it's not good.
There's a beat and then—
"Do you think he knows?" Reggie whispers.
"Of course I fucking know!" Alex says, whirling to face Reggie, voice coming out in a pitchy whine. "You—how did you think I wasn't going to know?! What I want to know is why you weren't the ones to tell me!"
"Alex, sweetie," Julie coos, and she shoves off the couch to cross the room to him. She reaches up to stroke his face. "We didn't know how."
"Then you figure it out," he snaps. He reaches up and takes Julie's hand off of his face—still gentle despite his anger. "God—do you know—do you understand—what that felt like? To see that, with no warning? I didn't—I can't—it's not—Jules."
"I know," Julie says, reaching for him again. She guides him a few steps to the right until the side of his leg is pressed up against the couch, and then she turns him and pushes back so he sits. She takes a seat next to him and curls into his side, and immediately, Reggie takes up a space on his other side, pulling Alex halfway into his lap and tucking his head under his chin. Luke sits on the ground facing them but he folds his arms and rests them on Alex's thighs, a constant, grounding pressure. "It'll be okay, hun," Julie tells him. "He… Willie didn't tell any of us, and he hasn't posted about him on his instagram, so we don't think it's serious."
"Or it's very serious," Alex counters, "and he doesn't want you guys sabotaging it."
"Willie knows we wouldn't do that," Reggie says.
Alex frowns. "Not even for me?"
Luke tips his head back and laughs. "We love you buddy, but, no. Willie's our friend too. Do you really think Brandon and Micah would sabotage your relationship just because they were friends with Willie first?"
Alex wants to say no, but he wants to say no because the only relationship he can see himself in is with Willie. He can't imagine dating anyone else, can't imagine loving anyone else. And—listen, he knows that's like, borderline toxic, and he knows it's something that he's going to have to get over. He knows he's going to have to move on. But—he doesn't want to. God, he really doesn't want to. He can't let go. He doesn't know how to let go.
In the years he's known Willie, he's become a staple in his life. Alex can't exactly remember a time without Willie. Well, he can, but it's vague and blurry and dull. Ever since Willie came along his life has been clear and defined and bright. His life has been incredible.
Had been.
He's been wavering between depression, anxiety, and anger these past few months and—it's not been great for him. It's not been great for anyone.
Alex opens his phone and when the screen lights up, Willie and his boyfriend stare back at him. He stares at the picture for a long moment until Julie reaches over from beside him and grabs his phone. He grips it tighter in his hold and stares down the picture and—
"We're not doing this, Alex," Julie says. "Give me the phone."
Alex releases the phone because he's seen all that he needs to. As she exits out of the page and closes out of the app, Alex thinks about Willie's tongue touched smile. He thinks about the crinkles next to his eyes and the way his nose scrunched. The way he was smiling in the picture with his boyfriend.
Alex—his gut twists, his throat burns, his eyes sting, but. God, shouldn't he want this for Willie? Just because he's not there yet, just because he can't imagine seeing someone else yet, shouldn't he be happy for Willie? Maybe not even necessarily happy for him, but shouldn't he want Willie to be happy?
He does.
He wants Willie to be happy. God, that's—that's all he fucking wants. Nothing makes him feel better than the light in Willie's eyes when he's overjoyed.
He just—he wants Willie to be happy, he just doesn't want him to be happier.
And, god, that sounds so fucking selfish because they've broken up and—they're not getting back together, are they? Alex has been struggling to accept that but after tonight, the reality of it is smacking him across the face. So, they're broken up and they're not getting back together. But Alex still wants the best years of Willie's life to be with him. He wants Willie to think of him when he thinks of 'the good times.' God—if he could cast a fucking patronus, Alex wants to be the memory that Willie would pull up. He wants to set the bar, wants Willie to compare everyone to Alex and have no one quite live up to him. And if Willie ever settles down, Alex doesn't want to be forgotten, he wants to be the ghost in that relationship.
But—
"Guys?" Alex says.
"Hmm?" echoes from around him, Reggie's voice bordering on sleep.
"I'm—I'm gonna set up an appointment with a therapist."
Julie tenses against him and clenches her hand around his. "Really?"
"Yeah," he nods.
Alex wants to move on. Alex needs to move on, because this… this hurts. It hurts every minute of every day. And if he gets to move on eventually, so should Willie. And just because Alex isn't in the place that he's ready doesn't mean Willie isn't. Alex should respect that. But it's hard to right now.
He settles back into the couch and closes his eyes. In the darkness of his mind, he sees the picture of Willie and Khaled and thinks: be happy. Just not like we were.