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Out of the stars the two of us were born, meant to reunite some day. Forever and always, we were gods among men who stood taller than most. And from the first day I saw my other half, I knew we were entangled in something greater.
I just could never expect what that something was.
I thought it was just me, alone in a vast expanse of the loneliness of the mind far too advanced for my child body to understand. I was floating beside myself, my presence overlapping with my physical self, at least, that’s how it felt to me. Fundamentally, I felt my body wasn’t mine, that there was something wrong with it, something I could fix. Then I could truly be me, in peace, in silence forever.
How to fix a body? How to? I wandered aimlessly in circles as I tried to catch my essence and place it back into myself. My cage body felt disgusting to be within, How to fix a body? How to? I wondered again pleading with the universe that I should belong to another frame, one a bit smaller. Yes! This canvas my conscious is meant to be painted on is too big! But how does one shrink a body? I thought to myself again, and then, a lightning of malice struck me, I knew, I know, How to fix a body? How to shrink a body? I knew, I know.
I stop eating
And so I did, I stayed sneaky, I stayed silent as I creeped about slowly shrinking my universe given canvas into something my conscious could use. It was small things at first. Bring less for lunch day by day, and no one would notice. I was smart, I always thought I was smart. Once lunch was eliminated, it was into breakfast and dinner. The former was the easiest, no one knows what happens before the dawn, no one knows what doesn’t. I assured myself of this multiple times as the days ticked by and I felt I had grown no smaller I began to become even more impatient. I made my destiny to be painted on the smallest canvas, may my cage body be of service to that goal. But as the years went on, I had cut everything out of my life, never small enough for my own needs, the world grew colder, and my cage body no smaller.
On the first night I’d thought I was dying, I was ambivalent, I wasn’t ready to go, not without my perfect canvas, not without my perfect painting, my perfect story, where was my happy ending? But I was so ready to give in there. To the bile, to the blood, to the vomit, to the tears, to the deep feeling in my chest that this was supposed to mean something to me, and I didn’t want to decipher what. I closed my eyes and let the universe decide it wanted to take me there, when I opened my eyes the next morning something was different. About me, about the world, or maybe about my understanding of my place in it.
Whatever it was, when I went to school that next morning my eyes began to see someone I’d never taken notice to before, someone it felt like I once knew.
I walked up to him and said hello. He returned the gesture kindly and I began to take him in. He was tall, like me, but he was thinner than me (everyone was thinner than me). He had these big brown eyes and brown shaggy hair that flopped over his eyebrows that obscured them a bit. He was pretty, almost too pretty. I saw a honey glazed universe in his eyes, and an innocence to his soul, it was beautiful, he was beautiful. When I realized I was staring I politely asked if I could sit with him later at lunch. Thankfully he agreed. As I sat at my desk I realized I never asked his name, he never asked mine. So, in that moment, I decided “Angel Boy” was appropriate, at least for in my head, until lunch.
At lunch that learned his name was Jeong Yunho, conversely he learned my name is Song Mingi. We talked for a while and then he asked a question that made my blood run cold, “Hey, uhh… where’s your lunch?” I’ve answered this question a billion times before, lies on lies, excuses on excuses, day after day for years. But today, after last night, and the feeling I saw with this boy this morning, it made me silent. Too silent. He interjected himself into my contemplative silence again,
“I didn’t mean to be rude, I shouldn’t have asked. You are really skinny though, maybe I’ll buy you something after school?” I don’t know what possessed me in that moment, but my brain could really only latch on to the beginning of the latter sentence. I, Song Mingi, skinny? Unthinkable! Improbable! Insane! But I couldn’t say that out loud. I blankly nodded an agreement to silence him. And as soon as I realized what I did I tried to take it back, saying I had to be home today right after school and I couldn’t hang out. He took it at face value, finished his food, and left for the bathroom. It seemed to easy to avoid him, right?
Wrong-
As I’m on my way out of school my choices start to catch up to me, my legs feel weak, head too heavy, heart too loud, eyes swimming body leaning. Angel boy’s voice is the last thing I remember, shouting a “HEY!” As I fell to the ground.
It was brief, from what I could gather, people were still walking out of school and down the sidewalk on their way home. It was a blip! I was just fine! I go to get up and I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Angel Boy” I thought to myself, “Yunho,” I muttered. “Are you okay?” He asked, somewhat scared. “I will be,” I promised half-heartedly. “I got you something from the vending machine and I was about to give it to you before you kinda… uhh- I’m not sure what just happened.” He clarified. “It looks like you need it now more than ever so, here it is, hope you like it!” He handed me the filth with a smile. It was a honeybun, a glazed hunk of bread that the thought of made me gag. I accepted it, and once I felt confident back on my feet, I got up and I walked my way home. Holding the offensive object by the edge of its wrapper, tempted to throw it in the nearest trash can.
For some reason I didn’t, I kept it in a drawer in my dresser, I wanted to keep the essence of Angel boy around, he called me skinny. And it felt like my body and my soul were almost becoming one. Maybe the canvas was getting smaller.
That night I ate, that night I lived.
From that day forward the two of us were joined at the hip. All I wanted to do was hang out with the Angel boy who calls me skinny. The Angel boy who makes me feel whole, the Angel boy who could do no wrong. He was as friendly as the day I met him, and he would forever be that kind. But one day I looked into his eyes and noticed something I’d never noticed before, in that honey glazed galaxy of innocence and compassion, I found something brewing, something dark, a black hole of sorts. Made of something vile, yet something familiar. And then- it struck me.
Something was hurting my Angel boy, and I needed to find out what.
I had little clues, he was such a bright presence that refused to fade. I watched him day in and day out. We’d meet at the front door, walk to class together, get to class, talk all the while, separate for other classes, meet up at lunch, I wouldn’t eat, he would, he would go the bathroom- he would go to the bathroom… HE WOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM! There it was, in front of my face this whole time… I was so busy loving his light I never wondered if anything was taking it away.
One day I decided to test my theory, as he left in a hurry to the bathroom like he did everyday. I waited two minutes and followed behind him. What I heard from the back stall was routine and calculated, uncaring and empty. Nothing like the Angel Boy I knew. As he walked out the stall, he looked me in my eyes and that black hole and swallowed all the honey glazed galaxy I had found such comfort in. All I could do was offer him a paper towel and let him wash his hands and dry his sunken, dull eyes. He looked at me about to stutter to explain himself. Before he could get his thoughts together I simply said, “Don’t worry, I’m just as bad. Secret’s safe with me as mine is with you.”
And as I held him in that bathroom, I thought to myself,
My Angel Boy Had Sinned.
As the following weeks passed and our silence grew louder, his eyes grew duller and I grew thinner. I began to realize something, the universe made us equal and opposite, put together, we deleted each other.