Work Text:
"I want to say something I've never said to you before." Arthur muttered with great effort, while Merlin couldn't do anything else but stare at him worryingly. Arthur's lips twitched into a little smile as he looked closely at Merlin.
"I love you."
Then Arthur's gloved hand was caressing his hair and Merlin just stared at Arthur in tears, too emotional to respond anything right away, but he got himself together as Arthur fondly looked at him.
"I love you too Arthur."
Arthur was watching him closely as his mouth twitched into something that could had been a smile."Lean down Merlin."
There was slight pressure from Arthur's hand for him to lean down, but the man was clearly weak. Merlin did lean down to do what Arthur wanted and Arthur tilted his head just slightly to kiss the corner of his mouth with his dry lips.
It was as if this was all Arthur needed to be ready to go, because his lips curled into a slightly bigger smile for a second before his eyes rolled back and they were left half open.
Frantically Merlin screamed his name only to let Arthur's eyes focus for a short second before he left again. This time closing his eyes.
It was a blur what happened next, Merlin didn't even realize his throat was sore after all the screaming. He called Kilgharrah, that was probably half dead by now. He couldn't help it, he had to safe Arthur. Nothing was as important as that.
As by the water Merlin hurried to let his hand touch it, he knew Arthur had a pulse, a very weak one but that mattered a great deal that there was some pulse. Merlin let the magic in the water get into him as he focused on letting his magic go, it knew what to do, it knew he had to safe his everything. With his hand glowing he put it where Arthur's wound was and closed his eyes. He dragged the poison into himself with a great effort. He lost all track of time, he could had been doing this for a day or even just a minute. When he felt it was done he let go and everything went black.
--
Something was touching his face gently, slowly Merlin opened his eyes to see Arthur looking down on him. It took him a couple of moments to remember the events, that Arthur was suppose to be dying.
Quickly he sat up causing Arthur to move away."Calm down."
Merlin just stared at Arthur as if he couldn't be real."How do you feel?"
"I've never felt more energetic."
A couple of times Merlin tried to form words until saying."That's good."
Arthur was just looking at him deep in thoughts."Thank you Merlin."
When Arthur gave him a smile, Merlin gave him one back even though he still felt sick. Though Arthur's smiling face wasn't a very convincing one because he seemed extremely worried.
"How do you feel?" Arthur wanted to know.
"Great."
"You're an idiot Merlin."
"I'll be fine."
"I'll find something for you to eat."
Merlin lay himself back down and his head hit a soft blanket rolled up. Coming to his senses there was a blanket covering his lower body and he was laying on Arthur's mattress. When he pulled the blanket up he realized it was his own, and the one behind his head must be Arthur's. How long had he been out? Looking at the sky it seemed that evening was getting closer.
He looked at Arthur soon after that, he was walking over to him. It was hard to believe that not so long ago Arthur had almost been dead, it all seemed as a bad dream now, and to be honest that's how Merlin wanted to remember it.
As Arthur sat down by him Merlin got himself into a sitting poison with a bit of effort, he felt exhausted.
"What you did, it's safe right, you'll be all right?" Arthur asked, it seemed that asking this question had been a struggle for him as if he didn't know what to expect.
Closely Merlin looked at him, yes he'd be all right, he knew that even though he didn't exactly know what he had done because he had never done anything like this before. The poison from the dragon's breath should kill the most powerful people but deep down Merlin knew it wouldn't end his life, and well he wouldn't be getting better if that was the truth.
"I'll be okay.'' Merlin told him and took the plate Arthur handed him that had some bread on it.
"It's all that's left, I ate very little, I wanted you to get your strength back. I could have tried to haunt down an animal but I don't have my bow, or any bow in fact, and I wasn't keen on leaving you,'' Arthur rambled. Merlin just drank water realizing he really needed it before taking a bite of the bread. He though did then break the piece in two to give Arthur the other.
"No."
"Arthur, since when don't you want more to eat?"
"Are you saying I'm fat?"
Merlin couldn't help but smile."No I'm just saying you enjoy eating, and you need it just as much as I do."
"I clearly don't Merlin.'' Arthur said, looking at Merlin as if he looked like he was dying.
"Are you calling me ugly?"
"Precisely."
Merlin just rolled his eyes and kept eating his piece of the bread leaving Arthur's still on the plate. After a couple of minutes in silence Merlin looked at Arthur after having felt his stare for quite a while. It was then when his dizzy head started thinking back on what had happened. The kiss, them admitting their love. Was that why Arthur was looking at him like that? or did he really just look like he was dying that's why he looked so worried? Or was it both?
"Why are you so worried?"
"You don't look very good."
"Well, it isn't my mission in life to appear attractive to you."
Expecting more banter the only thing Merlin got from Arthur was him breaking their eye contact and seeming in discomfort, even awkward.
"If you won't eat your piece I'll throw it into the mud."
"Don't be ridiculous, eat it."
Merlin took it up and made ready to throw it, smiling a bit when Arthur seemed extremely bothered by this.
"I swear if you throw the only food we have left into the mud I'll-"
"You will what?" Merlin said with a hint of a smile on his lips.
"Just give me it you idiot.'' Arthur told him handing out his hand. Merlin let him have it and Arthur took a bite of it.
"We don't afford you getting grumpy because you are hungry."
Arthur ignored him as he took two other bites before he went and packed it back into the bag pack. As Arthur was back by him Merlin broke the silence.
"Is it cold?"
Arthur looked at him closely."A bit."
Merlin was already by the fire so it wasn't as he couldn't get warmth from it. It seemed like a good idea to get some sleep, he was still tired and Arthur must be tired.
"Are you not going to ask me how long you've been out?"
Merlin met Arthur's eyes after having been yanking the mattress from under himself. It had just been too much other to think about that he totally forgot about it.
"How long was I out?"
"Two whole days."
"Well that explains why I was so thirsty.'' Merlin muttered to say something. He really was too dizzy to think, too dizzy and tired to think about even the kiss. He knew when his head would be clear that would be a shock, just as almost loosing Arthur was.
After putting Arthur's blanket on his mattress he had laid beside him he then lay down on his side in a fetal position in hope for some warmth. When he felt Arthur put another blanket on top of him he almost started complaining but the movement of the blankets lifting shut him up. Arthur came to be behind him under the blankets and even draped an arm over him.
Merlin was too surprised to say anything, he soon just closed his eyes and welcomed the warmth.
"Merlin?"
"Yes?"
"Can't you make things warmer?"
It was strange when Arthur talked about his magic. As tired as he was it was a bit hard for Merlin to do so, but he could. If he had been alone he had done this a long ago, even though Arthur knew now it was so recent that he really hadn't came to terms with it as a reality.
"Why didn't you do this earlier?"
"Habit."
--
When Merlin awoke in the morning Arthur was gently carrying him. It was a shock, of course Arthur had been doing that, otherwise how had they suddenly ended on another place then where he had been when he lost consciousness.
Arthur was holding behind his thighs and back, basically in bridal style like he had probably done with Gwen after they married.
As Merlin struggled Arthur let him down."You've been carrying me like a baby?"
"Don't seem so offended Merlin, I wasn't exactly enjoying it."
"Well couldn't you have woken me up?"
"You need sleep, just be thankful I didn't drag you."
Merlin couldn't help but smile of how defensive Arthur was acting. Arthur anyhow handed him some water that Merlin thankfully drank before they started walking. Arthur kept looking at him as if he didn't believe Merlin was strong enough to walk on his own, but anyhow didn't say anything before Merlin was visibly shaking.
"Merlin, were you lying to me when you said you'd be ok?"
"No, do you expect me to be okay right away after taking the poison from your body into mine?"
Arthur seemed very angered."So that's what you did?"
"Yes."
"So you're dying?"Arthur asked, Merlin couldn't decide if he looked more worried or angry.
"No, I'm not dying you clotpole."
"Then why are you so weak?"
"Because my magic is fighting it, I'd be way worse if it would kill me."
"Why can you take it? Morgana couldn't."
Merlin just kept walking without answering until Arthur took his arm a firm grip causing Merlin to stop.
"I just know i can, Arthur just trust me okay. I would tell you if I'd be dying, I'm not a clotpole like you, you prat.'' Merlin muttered annoyed. He then closed his eyes when he got emotional, he shouldn't be annoyed with Arthur when just a few days ago he was almost dead. It just seemed like a nightmare.
"Are you crying?"
Merlin didn't open his eyes just locked his arms around Arthur hugging him tightly. They never hugged, ever. Merlin didn't even know about the one hug he had ever gotten from Arthur. Well Arthur did ruffle his hair quite often, or slap his arm or back, but never a hug. The only touching Merlin gave Arthur was when he was helping him dress, and sometimes he let his hands linger a bit longer without Arthur noticing he did it on purpose.
It felt so good when he felt Arthur take around him too, hugging him tightly back. Merlin almost started hiding his face in Arthur's neck but decided that was too much, way too much so he kept his sobbing face a good way from it. He just rested his head on his shoulder and smiled when Arthur was stroking his back gently. After a couple of minutes Arthur was still now and then stroking his back. Merlin decided he should pull away but Arthur locked his arms around his waist causing him to look at him. Arthur was looking at him closely, his eyes soon focused on his lips and very slowly Arthur leaned in just to give him a peck on the mouth. It was shocking, and Merlin expected Arthur to be shocked by his actions too but he was only met with a smile when Arthur pulled away.
"I can't find it in me to be ashamed today.'' Arthur whispered. Arthur then moved his hands to cup his face and his thumb traced his cheekbones as Merlin stared at him astounded. He kept still when Arthur's thumb traced his lower lip, he though pulled away almost right away and started walking without saying anything more.
Merlin followed, still in shock. What was this about? Arthur was a man, he was a man, why would something like this happen? Merlin wasn't stupid, he knew he had always liked Arthur, but did Arthur like men? what was this about otherwise? And what about Gwen, why would he want to touch him like this? Did he accidentally twist his mind when he saved his life? or did something in Arthur change on the brink of death? Nothing made sense, the man was in love with Gwen and still he had given Merlin a kiss. Well it was only a peck, but the way Arthur had been touching his face and the way he looked at him was strange. It was in no way something you'd do to a friend.
Somehow Merlin found the strength to walk. Arthur didn't walk quickly and quite few times looked behind himself on Merlin to make sure he was close. At their first stop Merlin lay down feeling so very tired. He could barely wonder about what had been happening.
"Get some sleep, we'll rest a bit." Arthur told him, after handing him some water. He drank water and Arthur was soon putting both the blankets in his lap and then he started collecting firewood. Merlin just sat there, thinking. He had to know exactly what that kiss was about. So when Arthur had came back and well made him lit the fire, he asked away.
"Arthur?"
"Hmm?"
Arthur was sitting with his back in him and made no attempt to look around.
"What was this about?"
There was silence, it wasn't as if Merlin had to say "What was the kiss about?" Arthur should know, and if he said he didn't understand he'd be lying.
"I don't understand what you mean."
"What happened?"
"Nothing, I'm going to collect more firewood."
And he was gone, and he didn't come for a good while. Merlin though sensed he was somewhere close by. It was still day but Merlin anyhow lay down pulling one of the blankets over himself. He was still tired, so he closed his eyes. He only opened them when he heard footsteps. As he heard Arthur sit down close by he sat up.
"Are you hungry?" Arthur asked. Merlin just shocked his head but Arthur anyhow handed him a piece of the bread. Arthur wouldn't look at him as Merlin looked at him curiously. The man seemed regretful. As he did something horrible wrong.
Merlin wanted to say something but he couldn't make a sound. He just ate half of the little piece he had until he handed Arthur the rest. Arthur didn't even say anything, just packed it back in. When they started walking Arthur kept silent and didn't look in his direction. Merlin that was always talking was silent himself, but he did sneak many glances at Arthur. The same day they came into a village and Arthur managed to get them horses and buy some food. They kept travelling on horses on a faster speed and that evening Arthur even made them dinner slapping Merlin's hand away when he tried to help. He didn't even tell him to go away, he just pushed at him without even looking at him.
That's why when Merlin had almost finished his dinner he broke the silence."Arthur, it's okay. I can forget what happened, I know you were just so happy I saved you."
"You're even dumber than you look Merlin."
"What do you mean?"
Arthur that was sitting on the other side of the fire finally looked at him."I kissed you because I wanted to. But I'm with Gwen and I'm married to her and she's the one I'm in love with. You're my friend and I care about you."
Merlin just gaped. He then couldn't help but smile."You love me too, don't you?"
"Love you?"
"Yes, you said it when you were dying."
"I was dying Merlin."
"Yes, so you spoke the truth."
"Maybe, but it doesn't mean I'm in love with you."
Merlin rolled his eyes."I didn't say that."
As Merlin ate the last bites of his dinner he felt like some hope in his chest that he hadn't realized was there died. In truth what mattered was that Arthur was his friend and they both loved each other. If they'd be lovers well, then he'd be in bed with Arthur and get to hug him all the time, that would be great...but it wasn't as if he wasn't getting anything sexual. He had been seeing a guy now and then for the last year in Camelot to fuck him. The man wanted to be more serious with Merlin but Merlin only wanted to have sex with him and that would be it. Merlin knew it was a horrible thing to be doing but he had made it clear to the man one drunk night. He didn't want romance, he wanted sex, because he knew he couldn't have real romance when he was in love with a man that was constantly in his life but he couldn't get.
As they went to sleep Arthur didn't hold him, and Merlin wanted to complain but clearly didn't. Nothing more could happen, it wasn't fair to Gwen. The next day of travelling it was quiet. Even when they stopped to eat only a handful of words were shared. It got to a point that Merlin almost started to cry. Had those stupid kisses ruined everything?
When in Camelot Arthur told him to go and rest, so that's what Merlin did. Talking to Gaius he had found out who died, the one he knew the best was Leon. It were horrible news and it was hard to fasten sleep. The next day he prepared to go to work but Gaius said that Arthur had let a servant give the message that he wanted Merlin to take the day off to rest. If Arthur would keep letting him rest and take the day off he'd start being offended, but for now he wasn't. He just met up with Gwaine that day glad that his friend was okay. The evening of that day he decided to check on Derek. The man was home and seemed happy to see Merlin considering how he pulled him in and hugged him.
"Oh love I'm so happy you're okay."
Derek was really nice. They played board games together, and sometimes they had a drink. Even once they went on a horse ride but that was when Merlin had a day off, and he barely ever had those. They mostly just met on the evenings.
"I told you not to call me that."
Derek cupped his face."You know I don't care that you don't want it."
"If you want me to keep coming then stop it."
Derek soon forced him into his bed only to tickle him causing Merlin to laugh. The man then leaned in to kiss Merlin. They made passionate love, and Merlin did think about Arthur, he most often did. He really cared about Derek though, just not in a lovers way. The man was just really good in bed, and well Merlin wouldn't admit it aloud but he was lonely - and being with him made him less lonely. Merlin wasn't all bad and had often reminded Derek that he was just in for the sex and he was in love with someone else. Derek seemed to have hope that it would change in the future.
The next day Merlin got a message that he should take the day off. It got lonely because Gaius was visiting his old love Alice because he was for the most part retired. Another physician had done most of the work more recently. That evening Derek finally came to his home, having never seen it before.
The next morning he got a message that Arthur wanted him to bring him dinner that evening, but take the day off until then. So Merlin did take the day off and spent most of it reading until he finally knocked on Arthur's door. Gwen and him had two chambers. They usually stayed together in one but sometimes they used separate ones. As he walked in it seemed that Arthur wanted alone time.
"Sit."
So that was what Merlin did. His eyes widened a bit when Arthur was staring at him like he was angry.
"What?"
"Are you meeting anyone?"
"Meeting?"
"Dating?"
Merlin just blinked his eyes a couple of times."No, why would you ask that?"
"Because I had to talk to you last night, and I heard something."
Strangely Arthur didn't seem embarrassed, he just seemed angry.
Merlin didn't reply.
"Are you seeing someone?"
"Why is that important?"
"Just answer me, it's a simple question."
"Yes."
"You're seeing someone?"
Merlin nodded.
Arthur seemed to be holding his glass way too tightly."How long as this been going on?"
Merlin just gaped. What was wrong with him? Did he think he was dating a young girl or something, because that would explain his anger, but otherwise...no.
"About a year."
"Who is it?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes it matters."
"Why?"
Arthur put the glass down."Because you are too dumb to be dating someone Merlin, you shouldn't be doing it."
Merlin stared at Arthur that looked down into his lap.
"Too dumb to date?"
"Yes"
"I'm not an idiot."
"You act like an idiot. You probably picked a whore that is dirty and .."
Merlin took a plate and pushed the fruits off it only to throw it into Arthur's head, that barely managed to duck. Then he headed for the door feeling furious but Arthur took his arm to stop him.
"I'm looking out for you"
Merlin turned to see Arthur."I can take care of myself."
"I don't want anyone to hurt you."
Merlin stared at Arthur in disbelieve. His anger was bowling."You know what I think, I think you're jealous."
Arthur flinched."I'm not jealous."
"Why does it matter so much to you?"
"Because I don't want anyone to treat you badly."
Merlin's anger was still bowling."And you know what, it's not a woman, it's a man that fucks me in the ass and I like it."
Arthur's grip became painful."Who's that man?"
"That's none of your business."
Merlin took a sharp breath when Arthur pushed him towards the door and held his wrists firmly against the door.
"You're mine, you know that."
Too angry to even be shocked Merlin replied."Have you lost your mind?"
"You're my servant."
"So what-"
"If I don't like someone you won't see them."
"So I shouldn't date because you're jealous?"
"I'M NOT JEALOUS MERLIN."
"You are with Gwen, why can't I find someone?"
"Because it's a man."
"That's because I like men."
"Only men?"
Shortly Merlin nodded. Somehow Arthur let him go. It didn't seem like he wanted it though.
"Come tomorrow morning for work."
Then Merlin was pushed outside and the door locked.
The following week was strange and silent. Arthur wasn't rude to him but he said very little, and had a hard time meeting his eyes. There seemed to be a huge battle going on in his head. It wasn't until after almost a month that Arthur finally started completely going back to his old self and was giving Merlin friendly slaps on the back or ruffling his hair when he did something stupid. Merlin couldn't even begin to explain how grateful he was for everything going back to normal. It even got better when Arthur started to be more curious about him showing him some magic. Arthur always stayed silent, expect for one time when Merlin made the fire make the same dragon he had when he showed him his magic for the first time. That time Arthur told him it was beautiful. It had made Merlin so happy that he had to hide the tears in his eyes. Arthur was beginning to understand that magic could be beautiful, and there was nothing that could have made Merlin happier.
"Merlin come here."
Arthur was sitting by his table in his chambers. He seemed to have something in his hand.
"Give me your hand."
As Merlin just watched Arthur he smiled.
"Put it forward with your palm up."
So that's what Merlin did and Arthur lay a golden ring on a necklace in his hand. As Merlin looked at it had the Pendragon crest. Merlin knew Arthur and he knew Arthur wore the ring now and then, though he never seemed too fond of wearing rings.
"I want you to have it,'' Arthur explained and Merlin met his eyes confused.
"Arthur I can't-"
"It's nothing special, I have another one that is similar."
Arthur then gave him a gentle smile."Just take it, you can think of it as a gift for saving my life."
He then sighed."And Merlin, you know there is no reason for you to be a servant forever. Knowing how powerful you are, it's-"
"Are you sacking me?"
"No."
Merlin just watched him angrily.
"Maybe I could give yo-"
"I don't want anything, I just want to be your servant."
Arthur stared at Merlin's stubborn face.
"You could be in the court."
"I just want to be your servant,'' Merlin repeated."I anyway am always giving you advices, i don't need a higher rank for that."
Arthur smiled watching him, with that Merlin looked at the ring. He played with it around in his fingers before meeting Arthur's eyes."Thank you."
There was a silence until Arthur broke it.
"I'm going to marry you Merlin."
Merlin's eyes widened looking at Arthur. He didn't say a word.
"I'm sick of this, I'm the king. It's my decision if i can marry a man or not, and it's my decision if magic is allowed or not. In Cendred's kingdom they marry anyone they want, I want it to be like that here too."
Arthur stood up and stopped in front of Merlin.
"I was proposing to you."
His hand came to stroke his cheekbone and it took Merlin few moments to realize how mad this situation was. The man was married to Gwen, Gwen was his friend and he had-
Merlin took Arthur's wrist and put the ring into his palm and then stepped away.
"Are you mad?"
Arthur seemed taken aback. Did he think Merlin would scream from happiness going behind Gwen's back like that?
"Merlin me and Gwen are over. Other's just don't know. It's been a month."
Merlin couldn't help the tears that sprang in his eyes. No for real why wasn't he happier about this?
"What are you- you were happy with Gwen and I'm with someone."
Arthur lifted his eyebrows."I think i know a little better if I was happy with her or not."
There was a silence, it felt like a long pause but Merlin had no idea. He had wondered a few times if they really were that happy, sometimes something seemed off.However there was no denying that the two of them really cared about each other so he had never really thought too much about it.
"So now you're going to call it quits with this man you're meeting." Arthur said.
Merlin just stared at him.
"I waited for a month Merlin, just for Gwen."
"A month?"Merlin muttered. A month wasn't long, really wasn't.
"Yes."
"You were in love with Gwen."
"She reminded me of you, you stupid clotpole, she was my second choice and i was her second choice, it seemed fair."
Merlin just gaped
"So are you going to tell him?"
There was a silence.
Suddenly Arthur had pushed him against the wall."IF YOU WON'T TELL HIM I'LL GO TELL HIM RIGHT NOW."
"Arthur-"
"He won't get his filthy hands on you no more."
Arthur wasn't acting like himself, so Merlin left and Arthur probably thought he was going to tell him, but that was not it. The next morning when he handed Arthur breakfast it was the first question asked.
"Did you tell him?"
"No."
He met Arthur's eyes that seemed worried."You don't want me?"
Merlin sat down by his side."I do."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Gwen."
Arthur sighed."She knows i want you, she has known you were my first choice from the beginning just as i knew Lance was her first choice."
Arthur took his hand to make him stand before he kissed his lips as he couldn't wait while cupping his face. And Merlin did respond, and god it was better than he had ever expected. Nothing but Arthur existed and it was wonderful. Arthur had soon traced his palms down his back while Merlin had put his hands around his neck deepening the kiss. Arthur's tongue explored, as it knew exactly what it was doing. Merlin let him explore until he gasped when Arthur's hands were on his behind. Their hips then came in close contact and Merlin pulled away from the kiss and Arthur's mouth just found his neck. Fuck he was sensitive on the neck.
Arthur's hands weren't long trying to get under his tunic to touch his back and Merlin let him as their lips met again. Merlin couldn't help but do the same and find Arthur's skin under his tunic. It wasn't until Arthur was trying to touch his bare ass that Merlin stopped the kiss.
"I need to tell him,'' Merlin whispered.
Arthur cupped his face looking at him gently."Go tell him then."
Merlin stepped away from Arthur nervously. "Arthur, are you sure you're thinking clear?"
Arthur lifted his eyebrows."I think you should go now or I'll throw something at you."
Merlin scoffed."You'll have to make sure that you remind me now and then why I put up with you."
The bright smile that he got from Arthur was almost annoying.
"Are you sure you didn't accidentally throw something into your own head when you were aiming at mine?" Merlin asked.
"Probably,'' Arthur responded with.
"And that's supposed to be reassuring?"
"Shut up Merlin."
"For the record you're really bad at proposing."
A kiss shut him up.