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The first time Nagito had been able to identify this feeling, it had been a cloudy evening on Jabberwock Island.
Well, he’s felt it before, obviously, but this had been the first time he was able to actually...put a label on what it was, he supposes. It doesn’t matter.
Hajime had been helping out at the farm, and Nagito, after hearing that Future Foundation had just sent in a shipment of puppies and dogs, decidedly tagged along. He insisted that it was for the sake of helping Hajime, for giving him an extra pair of hands with the other farm animals, but of course, Hajime saw right through it. He smiled, and said, “Just go and play with the dogs, Komaeda. I’ve got it handled with Tanaka.”
Though he was torn apart between feeling useless and the absolutely adorable shepherd dogs running around the fields, he ultimately decided that the happy barks in the distance were too much to ignore. He spent most of the evening chasing around the dogs, and laughing like he hadn’t since...huh...well since last night, he guessed. After everything, it’s still so strange to Nagito how much has changed, and how easy happiness comes to him now.
Then eventually, through the laughter and the running, he realized that he’s probably at his limit, bending over at the knees and wheezing as the dogs bumped against his back of legs and then took off sprinting again. He smiled, struggling to catch his breath, and casting his eyes upwards to see Hajime and Gundham.
They’re not looking at him, in fact, they’re paying attention to a very, specific, fluffy sheep that’d been having...what was it...ah. Bowel problems. Nagito remembered Hajime’s description from the night before.
The sight was heart-warming, what with Gundham stroking its fur, mouth upturned into a smirk and eyes filled with an uncharacteristic warmth as he no doubt spouted facts about the sheep. And Hajime mirrored his same expression, only his features were rather a soft smile than an ear-splitting grin, and his eyes weren’t directed towards the sheep...they were directed towards Gundham.
When Gundham straightened out from his crouched position, Hajime reached a hand out and patted his back, saying something with a handsome, handsome smile on his face that Nagito recognized all too well.
Hm. He was in an awfully good mood, wasn’t he? He normally reserves that face for Nagito, and Nagito alone.
Nagito couldn’t help but feel a horrible swirling in his stomach as he watched the scene unfold right before his eyes. His lips had tightened, and he was now watching them with his unnerving full attention, until Hajime seemed to have noticed he was watching and waved, smiling dazzlingly.
However, Nagito couldn’t bring himself to smile back, managing to only nod weakly then turn around, gut falling into a deep pit of dread as he realized exactly what he was feeling.
They had talked later that night, because Hajime always knows what’s wrong, and Nagito had brushed it off like it was nothing because at that point, he was mainly over it (since it was something so small. He knew Hajime was just being kind. Hajime is always so kind to everyone here, not just to Nagito, and Nagito had to remember that. It was honestly selfish of him to have felt that way.) and Hajime, albeit begrudgingly, let the topic fall flat for the night.
But now...now he knows the feeling has returned. Only ten times stronger. And as he watches the Future Foundation ship roll in and dock, sees Hajime’s unusual excitement, he knows that he is definitely.
Definitely.
Jealous as fuck.
It hadn’t always been this way whenever the Future Foundation came to visit, no, but it had when Anzu Suzuki first arrived on the island.
Nagito had learned that apparently, she’s been a new member of Future Foundation for a few weeks now. She has long, black hair that reaches all the way to her rear, and a quite petite frame, and she’s always smiling, as she’s doing right now while helping carry down crates. Her eyes are bright, and she has small dimples that form when she grins, and her laugh carries across what seems to be the entire island.
Nagito only knows this because it’s only ever Hajime who makes her laugh that much.
Throughout the weeks that she’d been arriving along with the Future Foundation visits and shipments, she and Hajime had formed some kind of close friendship.
He doesn’t know exactly how it happened, or who approached who, but all he knows is that this girl very clearly, has a crush on Hajime, and he very much does not like this. And Nagito knows exactly what it feels like to crush on Hajime, so he can identify the love-struck eyes pretty damn well, if anyone wanted to question him.
What’s even more excruciating is that he has no fucking clue whether or not Hajime feels the same way towards her. I mean, sure, they’re dating, and yes, Hajime says he loves Nagito, but what if he doesn’t? Suzuki is a beautiful girl, quite possibly the ideal lover for Hajime, and she’s kind, and good, and probably everything Nagito isn’t. She’s so kind, that Nagito is almost guilty for this unrelinquished anger he feels towards her stemming from no other fact other than that she also likes Hajime, and he’s jealous, and he’s not sure what he should-
“Hajime-chan!!” Her bubbly, energetic voice snaps Nagito out of his reverie and he almost growls. Hajime-chan. She calls him Hajime-chan.
Nagito hadn’t even realized that Hajime had left his side to go help the other Future Foundation members with unloading, and he probably had been standing there stupidly with a horrifying grimace on his face that no doubt explains the weird looks people are giving him. He clears his throat and shoves his hands into his pocket, making his way towards Hajime.
He never wanted to intrude on their conversations until now, but, just for today, just because he’s been feeling awfully bold, he’s sure it can’t hurt to at least observe what they talk about. What he says to make her laugh so fucking much. Why Hajime always embarrassingly scratches the back of his head and laughs with her, smiling brightly.
The thought almost coaxes another sound out of him, but he suppresses it.
He’s about to sidle up next to Hajime, but then Suzuki beats him to it, and runs up to Hajime excitedly, throwing her arms around his shoulders in a goddamn hug.
God, the feeling has already returned, the unrelenting jealousy that’s threatening to eat away at his stomach as he watches them embrace. He’s the only one who gets to touch Hajime like that. And, he remembers, he’s the only one who knows every contour in his back and where to rub to make him sigh and where to kiss to make him yelp.
Hajime returns the hug lightly, and Nagito doesn’t know if it’s his wishful thinking that’s making him see this, but Hajime’s face is laced with some discomfort. Maybe. Possibly. Or he might be blushing. He doesn’t even know anymore.
To distract from the view, Nagito turns his head around and observes the rest of the beach. The Future Foundation members have now successfully unloaded everything from their ship, and are now casually conversing with some of his classmates, some gesturing towards the crates, some making their way to the restaurant to grab a bite.
The visits normally last about half a day, so yes, this means Nagito has to endure this for half a day. Luckily though, they only come every two or so weeks, which means he gets Hajime all to himself most of the time.
And...he realizes with a wince that this is probably the most selfish he’s ever been for a long time. Of course other people can spend time with Hajime. Of course. It’s just…
“Hajime-chan, I missed you so much!”
Yeah. Never mind. He’s back to being pissed off. Which is a feeling, might he add, he doesn’t exactly enjoy, considering how laid-back he normally is.
“Haha, really? I mean, it’s only been three weeks.” Hajime replies, and he’s awkward, but it’s adorable, and it’s all so horrible. Nagito shoves his hands into his pockets deeper and wills himself to turn his attention back to their conversation.
He’s not going to creepily watch them from afar, he’s not going to grit his teeth and turn around, mumbling self-deprecating rants under his breath, he’s going to do something this time. Get to the bottom of this. Maybe, if he’s brave enough, make it clear to her that his boyfriend is very, very taken.
“Three weeks without you seems way too long. I, ah, ummm…” She blushes lightly, and fishes for something from out of her suit jacket pocket.
“What’s up?” Hajime asks curiously, in that casual languid way of his that’s probably making her flush harder. Nagito realizes that Hajime doesn’t even know that Nagito has sidled up to him, and he bites the inside of his cheek, annoyance starting to dissolve into a sharp pain in his chest. He doesn’t even notice him.
“Here. I got this for you. Ah, sorry, I hope it’s not too much, or weird or anything, but I saw it and it reminded me of you.” She smiles, and hands him a keychain from out of her pocket. Nagito sees that she’s given him some kind of charm with an image of two panda bears hugging one another, a small heart above their heads. Their eyes are closed in happy crescents, and they embrace each other tightly.
Nagito’s brows furrow. That’s actually cute. That’s actually really cute. He hasn’t given Hajime a gift in a long time, and god, she really is perfect for him. Nagito should leave. No, Hajime should leave. Why is he still even with Nagito when he could be with someone like her?
“What? Oh geez, Suzuki-san, you didn’t have to,” Hajime chuckles, and accepts the gift, holding it up to the sun and watching its reflection. “Where did you get your hands on it? Damn, the quality is really good too.”
“Heh, well, a girl never reveals her secrets!” She laughs, and then leans in closer to say, “I actually found it strewn about in this abandoned store, and cleaned it up. It makes me think of you and me.”
Hajime widens his eyes, seemingly taken aback by this comment and says, “Oh?”
“Y-yeah! Hajime-chan, I - um…” And then all of a sudden, it’s as if Nagito’s just appeared, and Suzuki frowns a little as her gaze moves from Hajime to him. “O-oh? Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
“What?” Hajime turns around and his expression melts from surprise to a knowing, large grin. Nagito’s heart palpitates a little and Hajime says, “Oi, Komaeda! How long have you been standing here?”
“Ahaha, I’ve been here the entire time, Hinata-kun. You just decided to see me now.” And really, he doesn’t mean for the words to come out harsh like that, but they do and Hajime’s smile starts to waver. He avoids meeting Hajime’s eyes. He doesn’t want Hajime upset, no matter what the circumstance is.
“Komaeda…” Suzuki murmurs, and then her eyes widen a little in shock. “Wait. You’re… Nagito Komaeda? As in, the other Ultimate Luck?”
“Mmhmm, you’re fast, Suzuki-san! I’m surprised you know who I am, seeing how worthless my existence is.” The words slip out before he can stop them and Hajime nudges him in the arm a little.
“Hey. Stop.”
Suzuki laughs nervously and says, “Oh well, I’ve heard them mention you a couple times here and there. You’re…quite the character from what I’ve heard.”
“Yeah, he sure is.” Hajime snorts and affectionately rubs Nagito’s cheek with the back of his hand. Nagito smiles softly at the gesture and he wants to break away to kiss Hajime’s hand, but something holds him back. He’s not sure what it is.
Suzuki frowns and she looks between the two of them. She’s confused, yes, but Nagito can tell she doesn’t know exactly what’s going on. “Uhhh, well, it’s nice to finally meet you, Komaeda-kun!”
“Yes, likewise, Suzuki-san.” He lies. He’s got a hundred more words on his tongue that desperately want to spill right out and probably end up scaring her away, but for Hajime’s sake, he doesn’t.
“Ah, well, anyways-“ She shakes her head and turns her attention back to Hajime, which in turn causes Hajime to pull his hand away from Nagito’s cheek. The way Hajime's attention switches so easily makes Nagito’s stomach swirl once more.
“Hajime-chan, I was wondering if I could show you something.”
“Yeah? Is it another key chain?”
She giggles, and blushes, shaking her head. “No, no. I promise you, it’s even better than that.”
“Really…? Where is it?” Hajime inquires, taking a step forward and Nagito can’t help but feel his heart race unpleasantly. They’re getting close. Why are they getting so close.
He suppresses yet another displeased huff, as his hands ball into fists in his pockets.
“Mmm, do you want a hint?” She says, her voice sultry as she takes Hajime’s hands in her own.
Oh hell no. This is not happening. This is not happening right in front of his eyes.
“A-ah, um, w-what’s - why - wait what?” Hajime stutters, and he’s obviously flustered from the way his cheeks have turned pink and his hazel and red eyes have widened into saucers.
This is bad. Nagito knows that expression, knows it like the back of his hand, knows it like every form of hope in the world that he’s ever studied, and all of a sudden his mind is consumed in a factory fire. He’s caught between the strickening feeling of, yeah, he should definitely leave them alone because Hajime can do so, so much better than him, and no, he should NOT leave because this girl is going to kiss his boyfriend right in front of his face. His boyfriend. His Hajime. In front of his face!
“You…don’t know?” She bats her eyes, and god she’s probably so gorgeous to Hajime right now. Nagito wants to die.
And after a few seconds of contemplation, the jealousy ends up winning and it’s no surprise. He’s never felt quite this angry in such a quick amount of time before, and one thought stays screaming in the back of his mind - he’s the only one who gets to kiss Hinata-kun. He’s the only one who’s supposed to feel those soft, plush lips that smile against his own when they kiss, he’s the only one who gets to wind his arms around Hajime’s shoulder and know the taste of his mouth. If he doesn’t stop this now, then Hajime is going to leave him for her, and as much as his mind protests, he can’t allow that to happen.
And while Hajime is frozen in place and Suzuki is fluttering her eyes closed, he grabs onto Hajime’s shoulder and yanks him back hard. Hajime lets out a small, cute noise of surprise as he stumbles back, releasing Suzuki’s hands. He’s forced Hajime to turn towards him and in a voice just barely above a growl, says, “Hinata-kun.”
Hajime’s mouth is agape, and enticingly inviting, and without thinking, he latches his hands to the back of Hajime’s head and brings their mouths together hungrily.
There’s a sound that bubbles out from the back of his lover’s throat and Nagito swallows it up, all but pushing his tongue into Hajime’s mouth. Hajime is at first, unresponsive and frozen in place but with the way his tongue swirls in the cavern of Hajime’s mouth, he eventually lets up and moans into the kiss. It’s all so familiar. All so... his. His, and his, and his alone.
He’ll die before anyone else gets to taste Hajime like this.
Hajime has fisted his hands into Nagito’s hair and he’s melting submissively (and uncharacteristically so, it’s normally the other way around) against him, releasing small whimpers every time Nagito bites his lip, and breathless gasps when Nagito suckles on his tongue.
He’s not sure if Suzuki is watching them anymore. He doesn’t care, frankly, as long as she understands now. That Hajime is extremely, and very much taken. He feels bad, a little, because he knows that she’s just a girl with a crush, but he can’t help it. He’s jealous and upset, and he doesn’t want anyone looking at Hajime as if he’d hung the stars if it’s not him.
His mechanical hand travels down Hajime’s back, and snakes its way up his shirt, exploring his toned back with desperation he hadn’t known was there.
“K-Komaeda. Komaeda.” He whispers hotly against his ear, and Nagito almost forgets they’re in public when he goes to rip Hajime’s shirt right off his body, but Hajime stops him, yelping.
“Stop, waitwaitwait, stop!” And all of a sudden, the heat between them is over and Hajime is ripping apart from Nagito, breaking off the line of saliva that still connects their mouths. Hajime wipes his chin and stumbles back, as if just realizing what just happened.
“What - what the hell was that?!” He gawks, face beet red and he looks adorably disheveled that it takes everything in Nagito not to pull him into another filthy kiss.
But then, the reality of the situation starts to dawn on Nagito and he finds himself falling into yet another pit of dread. He’s never kissed Hajime like that before, at least not in public. He had never wanted to risk soiling Hajime’s respectability in public, and although their friends already knew they were in a relationship, he still didn’t want to embarrass Hajime by displaying their kisses in the open. Now, he’s just done it, but in front of a Future Foundation member that’s Hajime’s friend and likes him and is probably so much better for Hajime than he’ll ever be.
All because he let his disgusting, bitter emotions get the better of him. He really is a horrible human being. At this point, Suzuki has run away and a small part of him is swelling with pride at the thought that he’d accomplished his goal, but another larger part feels sick from doing that to Hajime.
He bites down on his lip and stares down at the sand, mumbling, “I’m sorry Hinata-kun. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me…”
“N-no shit. You don’t normally...do that...in public, I mean.”
“I’m sorry.” He says again, and oh no, at this rate, he’s probably going to cry. He puts all his willpower into not allowing the tears to spill down his cheeks, and instead wipes the drool that had transcended down his chin.
“Hey. Did...did something happen? Why are you acting all weird?” Hajime lifts Nagito’s chin up with his finger and looks into Nagito’s teary eyes, his own scrunched in concern.
“Because that girl, Suzuki-san, was going to kiss you and I panicked and I didn’t want you to leave me and did the first thing that came to my mind, I’m sorry, it was selfish and uncalled for to force you into a kiss, Hinata-kun, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad, I-” He rambles mindlessly, eyes erratic and moving away from Hajime’s stare until Hajime grabs the sides of his face firmly.
“Komaeda. Nagito. Stop apologizing already, okay?” He leans forwards until their foreheads are touching, and their noses are just barely brushing. “Did you really think I was gonna kiss her back?”
“Y-yes. She’s perfect for you and she really likes you, I - I don’t see why you wouldn’t.” Tears are slipping down his cheeks now and it’s pathetic to cry over something like this, but he can’t stop them anymore.
Hajime tuts a bit and he feels Hajime shake his head. “No, that’s wrong. You’re the only one for me. I would’ve pulled away, you know.”
“Really?” Nagito whispers, flushing a little at the words that he’s been desperately wanting to hear.
“Yeah. Of course. How can anyone ever compare to you?”
“Hinata-kun…” He smiles, and he feels Hajime’s thumbs brush away his tears. The guilt is still there, but it’s subsiding a little against Hajime's touch. “I - I just don’t understand. There’s nothing special, or redeemable about me that could compare to her.”
“Don’t say those things. I want you, and only you, not her.” Hajime whispers gently, continuing to stroke Nagito’s cheek. His heart wills himself to believe Hajime, even though a part of him is still trying to convince himself that Hajime could be lying to make him feel better. But he knows better than that, that Hajime would never do that to him. That what he says is the genuine truth. “You feel the same way about me, yeah?”
“Yes. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Hajime.”
Hajime chuckles breathily, and kisses Nagito’s cheek, and Nagito feels the need to explain himself for his actions further.“I-it was still uncalled for though. I’m sorry again. I was just trying to make...a point.”
“It’s okay.” Hajime leans in to press a chaste kiss to Nagito’s lips. “Just warn me next time you decide to attack my mouth like that.”
“Ah, of course.” Nagito’s chest is fluttering with a thousand different emotions at once, a couple hundred of them coming from Hajime’s words and touch, and the other hundred still swirling among guilt and satisfaction.
“Although, I’ll give it to you, it was pretty fucking hot.”
“H-Hinata-kun!”
Hajime laughs and it’s contagious, prompting Nagito to laugh with him and blush at the memory of the kiss they’d shared just minutes before. Then Hajime pulls back, looking around the beach curiously.
“Where did she even go…?”
“Mmm, I’m not sure, Hinata-kun. But, my goal with that kiss was to make her go away, so I suppose it worked.” He winces, because words have escaped his tongue once again. “I-I’m sorry. I was upset.”
Hajime turns back to him, and smirks a little, face still tinted with a light pink. “Pfft, okay, I see. You were jealous. ”
Nagito is not one to deny this, so he just crosses his arms across his chest and allows a light smile to stretch across his face. “Very much so. Every time she touched you or smiled at you, or blushed, I felt such horrible despair start to consume every cell in my body.”
Hajime lets out a small chuckle, and they start walking up to the restaurant, away from the beach. “Seriously? For some reason, I didn’t think you were capable of being jealous.”
“Why’s that?” Nagito frowns.
“Well,” Hajime scratches the back of his head, and looks up towards the sky. “You just seem so relaxed, I didn’t think things like that would bother you but the more I think about it...the more it makes sense, I guess.”
“Yes, it’s quite pathetic how quick I am to become upset with other people around you. I just can’t help but feel like...one day...maybe you’ll...leave-”
“Never happening. I’m always gonna be with you.” He says without a second’s hesitation, and Nagito smiles, lacing their hands together as they walk.
“I love you, Hajime.”
“I love you too,” Hajime says, as their feet start to fall into step together.
There’s still a question that’s nagging Nagito though, one that he needs answered so he can be completely...comfortable, he guesses. “Oh, Hinata-kun. About Suzuki-san...did you know that she felt that way about you?”
“Hm? Oh.” Hajime tilts his head a bit, pondering. “No. I didn’t. I genuinely thought we were just friends,” Of course he did. Hajime had always been dense when it came to things like this, Nagito thinks fondly. He pouts and squeezes Nagito’s hand mindlessly. “I should probably go clear things up with her later, huh?”
“I guess.” He says bitterly, but he’s quick to recognize his mistake and swallows. “Ah, let me correct myself. You should. She’s probably confused and...maybe heartbroken.”
Hajime laughs a bit, and turns Nagito back around by his hand, looking into his grey-greens. “Yeah. I will. But first,” He puckers his lips in that cute way of his, and the sun is shining down on his freckled cheeks. “Can I kiss you?”
“Hinata-kun. You never have to ask me.”
And as Hajime winds his arm around Nagito’s small waist, and Nagito finds himself getting lost in the taste of Hajime’s mouth for the second time that day, he thinks that jealousy is a horrible feeling. It makes his gut wrench, and his hand tighten into fists, and feel anger like he hasn’t in years, and makes him do stupid, reckless things like kiss his boyfriend silly in public. But maybe reckless is good sometimes. If it ensures that Hajime is still his in the end.
And only his.