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His hands ached painfully.
He pretended he didn’t notice.
His leg shook nervously.
He pretended to not notice that either.
Glancing at the front seat, he could tell his lovers hadn’t noticed his nerves that had been going on this whole car trip; Tony was too focused on the road and Pepper was dozing in the passenger seat, the passing streetlamps illuminating her face. He didn’t want to disturb them. It was stupid of him to be so nervous- Tony was an excellent driver, he was completely sober; there was nothing to worry about.
Stephen hadn’t driven since his accident. Sure he had just enough function in his hands that he’d be able to do short drives, but he’d opted not to, especially not with the option of opening portals. In fact, he hadn’t even been in a car since venturing to Kamar-Taj. The very thought of doing so made him shudder.
But he’d said nothing as Tony’d insisted on the throuple taking a “good ol’ fashioned road trip!” together. He’d been so excited at the prospect, that Stephen’s want to make his lovers happy outweighed his fear of getting in the car.
He’d pushed the fears down, thinking it might not be that bad. He was likely over-thinking it; a few years had already passed since that accident. The likelihood of it still affecting him was slim to none.
Or so he'd thought.
Taking a deep breath, he turned his attention to his sleeping girlfriend, focusing on her face instead of his turning stomach. He thought about how Pepper always worked so hard, her forehead seemingly always creased in stress. But when she slept, her face was relaxed, and she looked like she hadn’t a care in the world. She looked so calm…
The car hit a bump in the road, causing him to gasp, his heart picking up speed and his stomach flipping once more.
“Sorry, Steph, did I wake ya?” Tony apologized, his eyes flickering to the rearview mirror.
“Um…” There was an uncomfortable lump in his throat he swallowed against. “Yes. That’s okay, Tony, I was just…dozing…”
Seeming satisfied with his answer, Tony turned his full attention back to the dark road in front of them. Stephen released a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding and glance at Pepper once more. Maybe he should try to get some sleep as well; it had been a long day of driving to go visit Peter at MIT, according to FRIDAY’s GPS, they wouldn’t reach their hotel for another two hours, and he’d been on edge the entire drive. His body was about as exhausted as his mind.
Letting his head rest against the window, he looked up at the stars they drove past on the lonely highway. There were never this many stars in New York.
He hadn’t realized he’d drifted off until he was being jolted out of his sleep by another bump. This one was much bigger than before, much louder too! He felt the entire car get shaken up, the sound of metal on metal exploding around him. He scrunched his eyes and braced himself for the car to start rolling, for him to be tossed around again. His hands began to burn in white-hot agony-
“Stephen! Stephen, can you hear me?”
The familiar, concerned voice snapped him back to reality, and his eyes snapped open. The car had stopped, pulled onto the shoulder, but it was upright. There was no sign of it having been rolled, or even hit for that matter.
From the front seat, he saw the worried faces of his lover as they looked back at him.
“Are you alright, honey?” Pepper, who was now fully awake, cooed softly.
Stephen’s leg shook more than before as he felt his heart threatening to burst from his chest. Unidentifiable emotions swirled around in his mind like a tornado, along with what to do next. Out of nowhere, the need to run from their gaze won out over everything else, an made a sudden scramble for the door handle, his stomach lurching as if in agreement of the need to get out. He gripped the door handle and threw it open, his hand in pure agony as he did so. He tried to bolt out of the car but was immediately yanked back by his seatbelt.
With a surprised cry, he tried to steady his hands enough to get the belt off him. In the back of his mind, in the midst of the chaotic thought-tornado, he could make out a tiny voice berating him for being so stupid to forget something as mundane as a seatbelt.
He barely registered Tony unhooking his own belt and climbing halfway into the backseat to help. The second he hit the release button, Stephen was out the door, his legs only carrying him a few feet from the car before giving out. He dropped to his knees and proceeded to be sick on the ground in front of him.
The world seemed to calm down after that. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve and trying to catch his breath, the thoughts and emotions slowly began to take recognizable shapes. One emotion stood out among the rest:
Humiliation.
That was followed closely by pure dread. His boyfriend and girlfriend had never seen him act like this! They always loved how even-tempered he was, and how he was always the one to keep calm in any situation.
In fact, the world saw Stephen Strange as calm and collected. Even before his accident, he wasn’t someone who people would assume would freak out over something as trivial as a car ride.
He’d been so careful as to not let anything break that façade. He’d let it down in the post-accident desperation in front of Christine, and arguably in front of the Ancient One, but no one else had ever known him to display such vulnerability- especially not his lovers.
By the Vishanti, why would they want to be with me now, now that they know it was all a front?
Car doors opened behind him, and two pairs of footsteps treaded cautiously through the grass. The footsteps stopped just behind him, and there was a moment before Tony knelt down beside him, carefully avoiding the puddle of vomit, and placed his hand on Stephen’s shoulder.
“Stephen?”
Stephen lifted his face to look at the man kneeling next to him, the shiny tears in his eyes that he didn’t even realize had formed slightly blurring his vision. With Tony’s gentle touch and the concern in his voice when he’d spoken his name, all that Stephen could muster in response was a choked sob, ducking his face away once more.
Pepper knelt down on his other side, and he tried to hide his face from them both. “Stephen, talk to us. What happened?”
There was a long pause as he fought to catch his breath.
“I-I’m fine. I mean…I will be.” He finally said, willing his heart to slow down. “It’s nothing. No need to give it another thought.”
Tony sighed reaching up to wipe a tear that had fallen from Stephen’s eye. “Yeah, that puddle in front of us is a whole lot of ‘nothing.’” His comment carried his usual sarcasm, but his tone was still gentle and comforting.
Stephen leaned into the touch of the hand that had wiped his tears away, knowing he would never feel that caring touch again after tonight.
He lifted his face, barely making out the faces of the other two people with him in the dark of the night. This was it, he had to just get this part over with.
“This was...this was my first car ride since…well…” He slowly held up his trembling hands. Even in the darkness, he could see the realization immediately dawning on Tony and Pepper’s faces. He ducked his head again, bracing himself mentally for their reaction. He wondered what form the rejection would take; laughter? Belittlement?
“Honey, you should have said something.”
He blinked in surprise. Pepper’s soft words and her hand rubbing his back were reactions he did not think were in the realm of possibilities.
There was a hand under his chin that slowly pulled up his face to meet hers before she spoke again, “Had we known, we wouldn’t have driven.” Her hand made its way to his cheek.
He reached up to cover her hand with his shaking, scarred one. “…you were so excited about a road trip together, and I just…didn’t want to disappoint.”
Tony absorbed the sentence for a moment before he sighed. “I’m sorry, babe. That was my stupid idea.”
“No, no, Tony, it wasn’t stupid.” Stephen scrambled to sit up and place a hand on his boyfriend’s back, knowing Tony would fall into the spiral of blaming himself. “It was something you thought we’d all enjoy, and I neglected to tell you what my reservations about it were. If anything, I should be the one apologizing…for not saying anything, and for losing composure.”
Pepper leaned over and planted a kiss on the side of his head. “Don’t apologize for that. Don’t ever apologize for things like that!” She carefully took his hands in hers, caressing them with feather-light touches, before kissing them just as softly.
“Pep’s right, Steph.” Tony said. “Trauma-related panic attacks that can screw up anyone’s day.” He smiled sadly. “I’m walking proof of that.” As Stephen looked over at him, their eyes met, even in darkness. “It’s completely understandable.”
Those words were so simple, yet they were the most beautiful words he’d ever heard. Relief coursed through him, and for the first time since they’d started the trip, Stephen smiled. “I love you both.”
“And we love you too.” Tony kissed his cheek. “Now, how about we figure out how we’re going to proceed. Last I checked, we still have a good hour and a half until we reach our destination. Did you want to open up a car-sized portal?”
Stephen thought about it, glancing over at the car. Suddenly, riding in it seemed so much less of an ordeal, like a small child who’d discovered the “monster” in his dark bedroom was just a pile of laundry.
“I’d like to try the car again.”
Tony’s bright smile shown in the dim light coming from their idling car, standing up and offering a hand to the sorcerer, who took it. As he helped him to his feet, the inventor said, “We’ll take it slow. And if you feel you need to stop at any point, just say so. No matter how many times we do that.”
Stephen nodded, taking hold of Pepper’s hand in his free one as they walked back to the car. Tony got back in the driver’s seat, and this time, Pepper slid into the back with Stephen, pulling him to lean his head on her shoulder, running her fingers through his hair.
As the car pulled back onto the road and Tony instructed FRIDAY to send Peter a text letting him know of their possibly-later-than-expected arrival, Stephen let his eyes slide shut. The very last thought he registered before drifting off to sleep was that the pain in his hands had died down.