Chapter Text
"That's enough Ren for today," Illumi announced and I did as I was told.
Practicing Ren for more than 5 hours still exhausts me, and there's Illu... Standing in front of me, not showing any signs of tiredness at all. He started his Ren earlier than me and he hasn't moved an inch from his position yet!
I need more training to last longer without shedding a sweat.
After I received permission to leave, I left the room where we were training and went directly to my room. I removed all of my clothes, tossing them straight into the laundry basket as I stepped inside the bathroom to take a quick shower and freshen up.
That's when my thoughts began to wander off.
It's been years since the Zoldycks took me in, and not even once did they treat me as if I was an orphan or an outcast... but it wasn't also a warm welcome from Kikyo. They-I mean we are assassins, after all, it is a 'must' that we shouldn't feel anything.
That was what Illu has drilled in my head.
'You are told not to feel anything...'
'Obey.'
I don't have the right to complain, and as if I have the guts to do that. I am more than grateful that they took me in, and I think, that alone should be enough.
I will serve and follow their orders as long as I'm alive.
"Only the Zoldycks," I uttered under my breath.
I then sepped out of the bathroom, wearing a new set of clothes and picked up some of my darts that were left scattered in the furr mats. I threw the first 2 darts using my left hand and the other one using my right hand, straight at the darting board in front of me.
All of the darts had hit the bull's eye, except for the other one dart in which I used my non-dominant hand to aim.
"Tch. I've been doing this for a long time and still couldn't hit the bull's eye with my non-dominating hand?" I rolled my eyes and stepped backward.
With my ability, I can just manipulate the dart to fly straight towards the Bull's eye and hit it, but I chose not to. If I wanted to do something, I'll do my best and try not to use some of my abilities. I want to accomplish every mission assigned to me without even using Nen if possible.
I don't want to be known as someone who does her work and just succeeds because of some sort of power coming from an aura.
No. I would never...
I want to be known as Hageshī Zoldyck not because of my abilities and Nen, but because of my skill and potential, like how the Zoldycks saw me back then at the palace.
I don't want to be a 'no one' and 'nothing' if my Nen disappears.
I took a deep breath and held the dart tighter before sending it carefully to fly towards the dartboard. After hearing the noise it made when my dart touched the board, a shadow of a smirk appeared on my face.
Bull's eye.
"Excuse me, Ms. Hageshi, we are told to gather everyone in the dining hall." I turned my head towards the door after hearing a knock followed by Canary's voice. I manipulated the doorknob to unlock it, revealing Canary who looked like she was just about to knock again.
"Why are you here?" I asked, staring right into her eyes.
She just smiled and moved to her side, leaving a space for me. I moved and walked past her, leaving the butler apprentice behind as she followed in my shadows.
"The Zoldycks wanted to announce something important. That's why all of the servants and butlers are here," she said.
I only nodded as a response and lead the way to the dining hall.
Canary was one of the best apprentices that we had as a butler, but to Kikyo, she was just as good as a newbie.
"Hageshi-san is here!" the youngest, Kalluto excitedly jumped before running towards me to hug me. I just tapped her head and looked into her eyes deeply. We sat together, with Killua on my right side and Kalluto on the left side. Killua just shrugged and nudged my arm when I sat down, making me turn my head to him.
"You're lucky they didn't ask you to sit beside Illumi," he coldly stated.
"If only I didn't know your age, I might assume you're already an adult for having such a deep voice," I smirked, still not taking my eyes off the young Zoldyck.
"Damn, Hageshi... didn't know you were a joker!" he clicked his tongue sarcastically as he turned his gaze to his older brother, Illumi, who has been watching us all the time.
I raised an eyebrow, not breaking the eye contact between us when my eyes landed on him.
"He's just the worst," Killua whispered only enough for me to hear.
Our conversation was cut off when Zeno Zoldyck made a high-pitch ting, causing all of us to turn our heads to look in his direction. He then looked at us one by one with a serious expression, as he took a deep breath before speaking.
"Good evening. I've gathered all of you here to announce something officially."
We listened, slowly stopping from eating to give our full attention to Zeno-san.
"Killua and Hageshi Zoldyck are the next heirs of the family business,"
The old Zoldyck said, looking directly at us.
"...they make a great partnership. Even though Hageshi is a few years older than Killua, their combination is perfect. Their skills themselves are quite the explanation, I guess I don't have to add more details regarding on that one," he resumed, staring at the both of us.
I'm not surprised, though. This is one of the reasons they took me in. Someone worthy of being a Zoldyck and a partner of the young heir, Killua.
I already expected for this day to come.
I turned my gaze to Killua, only to see him clench his fists underneath the luxurious long table. He even looked down, looking annoyed as if he's trying his best to suppress something.
What is he trying to suppress?
His emotions?
We don't have those, and I don't see why we need to feel emotions. Not that I'm planning to feel and have one.
That's just not our cup of tea.
They will just hinder our job.
The silence after the short announcement wasn't that awkward for me. I was raised by the Zoldycks for this. I have to keep the family business going, and I have to help Killua and be his partner in leading the Zoldycks.
What they say, I obey.
There's no room for complaining and questioning their words.
"I already told you, I have no interest in following your steps. Lead the family business yourselves, you can't convince me to be the heir and be partners with Hageshi." Killua harshly answered.
"I have no problems with her... But I don't want this," Just like that, he stood up without finishing his dinner and went his way to the basement.
I did not bother following after him.
What for? It's not like I'm in the place to convince him.
After getting satisfied with our dinner, we all dismissed ourselves. I went outside only to see Killua and Alluka playing in the garden near the mansion.
I thought I saw him go near the basement?
I brushed it off. He could've just decided to go to the garden instead of heading to the basement.
"Hageshi-san," he called.
I gazed at him without turning my head as I stopped in my tracks to listen to what the kid has to say.
He stopped playing with Alluka for a while and told her to go back inside the mansion. Alluka nodded and happily went back inside.
"Do you want to come with me?" he asked, which made me slowly turned my head to face him sideways.
I remained silent, not having the slightest idea of what this is suddenly all about.
"I'm running away from home,"
I stared at Killua, still confused.
"What made you think that they will let you run off?" I spat.
"I don't need their approval, Hageshi-san. I will run away if I want to," he stared back at me, returning the same intensity I am currently giving him.
"You're not coming with me," he firmly stated.
That wasn't a question, he was certain I wouldn't come with him.
"Running away isn't your thing. You could've run away the first time you got here..." he added, still staring like he can see my soul through my eyes.
I didn't break the eye contact.
"Man up and take full responsibility, Killua," I blankly demanded.
His eyes softened as he gave me a warming smile.
"I'm sorry, Hageshi-san... I can't," he answered softly, and I noticed how his lips trembled from holding back his tears so I wouldn't see him cry.
That moment, I didn't see the young master, the young heir that they trained to be a killing machine, an assassin just like the rest of the members of the family... I saw Killua Zoldyck himself, a kid who is trying to run away from home and have fun. A kid who wants to explore the world without having to carry a heavy responsibility on his shoulders...
I saw a kid who just wanted to be happy and free himself from a cage that seemed to be unbreakable.
My head pounded hard along with my heart, as blurred memories came flashing back non-stop in my mind but it seems like they were being blocked by something, making it hurt even more like a bitch.
I tried to shrugg it off, thinking I'm just tired and it must be the overtraining which caused the pain.
"Tell me, Hageshi," his eyes started to water.
I couldn't feel less.
This is not right. Illu might get mad if he discovers I'm starting to feel something.
This is forbidden to him.
What the hell is this?
"... are you my friend, Saara?"
In just a blink of an eye, I felt a terrifying aura surrounding me. I don't know if it was only me or Killua also noticed it but I felt like I was out of air, it was suffocating and draining my energy.
'I only feel this when he's letting his bloodlust spread,' I thought.
Illumi...
I stood there, still dazed. My head started to hurt and I couldn't handle the pain, making me whine and pant in uneasiness. The blurred memories from earlier started to get clearer every second that I was suffering, but it still seems that something or someone is blocking them from totally coming back to me.
"It rang a bell, right? Saara-san?"
"Stop, Killua..." I pleaded.
I almost knelt on the ground, still trying to hold my temples as if that's the only way to shove the pain away.
"He's controlling you too," I heard him mumble something.
I couldn't comprehend anything anymore. Everything was starting to spin around me. I started hearing mixed echoes inside my mind but I couldn't identify as to whom the voice belonged to.
'You were told not to have friends, do as what you're told, Hageshi.'
'You are Hageshi Zoldyck.'
"Look after Alluka for me, Hageshi-san. One day, I'll make you my friend without hurting you..."
Everything was blurry but I my eyes can still sense Killua standing in front of me, who was trying to stop himself from lending me a hand to hold to stand up.
He looked hurt.
"..it's not like I still not see you as a friend now, Saara-san.." he wiped a tear that escaped from his eyes. "I'm sorry, I have to go... and you will not remember any of our conversations after this. He is watching us, he'll block this part of your memory," Killua added.
I remained silent and closed my eyes.
I am confused.
What is this?
Why does it hurt so bad when I think I don't even have an idea on what's happening?
What's with the sudden switching of names?
My name is Hageshi, but why is he calling me Saara?
"You've always been special to me, Saara Yunji, you will always be."
Before passing out, the last thing I can remember was the look on Killua's face.
He was smiling... with a pool of tears in his eyes.