Work Text:
I don’t know why I’m doing this, but it’s the only thing I could think of.
I miss you guys. I miss you so, so much, more than you could ever imagine. I wish it was me in that crash, I do-I would do anything to go back in time, to get you both out of that car, to make you both be here right now. I need you.
I need you. I don’t know how to do any of this, I don’t know how to pay bills or do taxes or grocery shop-I wish I had asked you, I wish I had helped more. I hope everything wasn’t as hard for you as it is for me.
I got a job, another one to add to the restaurant-I roof houses. It’s not much, but between the two of them, I can scrape by. Get enough food on the table so Soda and Pony can eat, get enough money to pay the bills. Sometimes I don’t eat dinner. I rarely eat lunch. I’d die before I’d tell them that though.
Pony-he’s okay. He has such bad nightmares every night-sometimes they’re so bad I think he’ll never wake up. He wakes up screaming and then panics because he’s woken us up-I wish he would talk to me. I wish I could help him. I snap at him more than I should, I know that, but I’m just so scared of losing him too.
Soda’s tired. He’s looking for a job, I’m begging him not to, but his mind is set on it. Nowhere’s really hiring right now, but if anyone can charm their way into an interview it’s Soda. He comes home sometimes with his eyes red and he looks like he’s been crying for hours. I’m sure he has, Pony too. We’re all trying so hard, but I feel like somethings going to snap soon.
I-well, I’m alright. Not at all, really, but you know what I mean. Im tired. My back hurts, my feet hurt, my head hurts. Even my hands hurt from writing. I know you’ll never see this-but sometimes I like to imagine you know what I’m saying, every word.
I wish I had spent more time with you. I wish I hadn’t run off to play football so much, I wish I talked more when you asked about school, I wish I hadn’t pushed you away as I got older, I wish I had hugged you and told you that I loved you more often. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
I love you guys,
Darry