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His ears are ringing but at the same time, Yoongi could hear nothing at all.
It’s dark.
And cold.
Yoongi feels like he’s floating somewhere far away but at the same time, the weight of the world presses down on him, pulls him under. Deeper and deeper into the darkness around him. Every time he tries to open his eyes, the salty water prevents him from doing it. It stings, coming at him like needles poking through his vision. He’s thrashing around in the murky water, not knowing where up and where down is - everything spins around him and pulls at his arms and legs.
Heavy weights seem to be attached to his limbs, making it almost impossible for him to move.
His lungs are screaming for air, they’re burning. A pain that almost tears his chest apart from the inside. Muffled by the water, he could barely hear his own screams as the salty taste of the sea invades his mouth and almost makes him throw up. It fills his mouth instantly, he could feel how it burns as it forces itself down his throat, into his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see and the more he struggles, the deeper he seems to sink under the water.
Ah - is he going to die here?
His father always told him to be careful at the port, to not get too close to the deep water. If Yoongi had only listened. Maybe then… maybe then he wouldn’t be torn away by the water right now. Slowly, his strength is leaving his body while it seems to be filled with saltwater. Deeper and deeper - he sinks.
Until there’s suddenly, something grabbing onto his arm. Out of nowhere, there’s something in the water in front of him, bubbles tickle over his skin as someone holds tightly onto his arm. Yoongi kicks with his legs as hard as he could just as blackness starts to tear at his consciousness. It’s a hand, a hand wrapped around his wrist that finally pulls him above the surface of the water again.
Immediately, he starts coughing violently, still splashing around in the water blindly until the saving hand around his wrist pulls him up and he could feel the wood of the docks. Slimy, rough but he holds onto it with all his might. His lungs still burn, the salt that has found its way into his mouth and throat stings, he still couldn’t open his eyes completely while he coughs, retches violently. Each breath he forces inside of his lungs almost tears them apart.
His head spins, coldness washing over his body as he lies there on the wooden planks, crying, coughing - but he’s alive. Yoongi is still alive and he made it out of the clutches of the sea.
He doesn’t calm down until the dizziness slowly fades from his body, a hand slapping him continuously on the back until he finally draws in a relatively calm breath. As he cracks his eyes open through the stinging sensation he finally sees the person who saved him from the tight grip of the water.
"Whoa, what are you doing in the port when you can't even swim?" It’s a small boy, probably around his age. He couldn’t be older than eight or nine. Dark, wet hair clings to his skin, large ears stand at the side of his head and wide brown eyes stare straight at Yoongi. "Are you stupid?"
Yoongi couldn’t even try to answer before he’s sobbing, breaking out crying as he realizes he might have actually drowned a little while ago if this boy hadn’t come to his rescue. The sobs wrack through him violently and he just lets them - there’s nothing he could do to stop it.
"Oh no -” The other boy gasps. He grabs onto Yoongi’s arm, pulling him up on weak, shaking legs. “Don’t cry,” The boy says, letting Yoongi lean onto him as he pulls him back towards the town, “You’re fine now. You’re safe. Come on, you can come to my place and I'll give you something dry to wear."
And Yoongi, still trying to hold back his cries follows the other boy without a second thought.
"I'm Kim Taehyung, by the way," He says cheerily, his voice is so loud - there’s a wide, rectangular smile on his lips.
Yoongi coughs again, glancing at the other boy a little self-consciously. "Min Yoongi.”
"Min? Your family works for the governor, right?" Taehyung asks in fascination. Yoongi nods shakily. "That's pretty cool. Let's be friends from now on."
And they became friends. They became best friends.
Taehyung lives in the small orphanage close to the port while Yoongi could overlook the whole town from his room in the governor’s residence. They couldn’t be more different but maybe that’s why they became such best friends so easily.
Every day, Taehyung would get him to hang out even though Yoongi has to study most days of the week. His father is working closely under the governor and under their supervision, Yoongi is studying hard to one day, take after his father. Taehyung doesn’t care about that, when Yoongi couldn’t come out of the governor’s residence he breaks in.
The first time Taehyung climbed the outside wall of the house and knocked on Yoongi’s window he almost had a heart attack. But now, he waits with his window open for Taehyung to pop up out there and help him climb down so they could explore the town below together. Sometimes Taehyung also stays, he climbs into the room and looks at everything, asks Yoongi about all the books that he has lying around and about the maps of the stars that are littering the walls.
They look funny next to each other - the both of them. Taehyung, who runs barefoot all throughout the warmer months and always has dirt smeared somewhere. Taehyung, who wears plain, dirty clothing that had holes and stitches in random places. And then there’s Yoongi standing right next to him, perfectly combed hair and a white, silk dress shirt with no creases and perfectly buttoned up. Polished shoes and white socks.
An orphan and the boy living with the governor.
People looked at them weirdly at first but they were just kids, everyone got used to it.
The more time Yoongi spends with Taehyung, the more he learns about the younger boy. While Taehyung doesn’t exactly know his birthday, he knows that he’s nine years old which makes him two years younger than Yoongi.
Taehyung is a little rough around the edges but he always listens to Yoongi talk about the stars, and his other studies even if he doesn’t understand a word of it. And Yoongi, in turn, always listens to all the stories about sea monsters, sirens, pirates, and whales that are bigger than the biggest ship that they’ve ever seen in their port before.
Often, these stories scare Yoongi. The sea scares him.
He’s always been afraid of the water and since the day Taehyung saved him from drowning, he swore to himself to never touch the ocean again. But even if he wouldn’t have been scared of the water, he would still fear the stories Taehyung tells him.
Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night with the same burning in his lungs - as if he’s back under the water. Other times he’s paralyzed in fear as he remembers the disfigured pirates that sliced through the water with their ships in his dream. The sea is scary. For Yoongi, it’s a terrifying place.
“You don’t have to be afraid of the water,” Taehyung says to him one of those days as they sit on the docks. While Yoongi is sitting in the center of it, Taehyung has his legs dangling over the edge, toes not quite reaching the water. “As long as you’re with me, I’ll pull you back up. I’ll protect you.”
Somehow, these words have stayed in Yoongi’s mind over all the years that have passed since then.
Taehyung stays his only friends - it’s fine for him. Yoongi has never gotten along with the other kids in the town, never really had a chance to meet them in the first place. In the beginning, he thought Taehyung would grow tired of him. Would grow tired of his studying, of all the things he’s not allowed to do, and of the way he keeps talking about stuff that the other doesn’t understand.
But Taehyung stayed by his side without fail. He doesn’t mind all of these things, and after all, when the younger talks about the sea - Yoongi also doesn’t understand him.
Taehyung always talks about freedom and when he talks about freedom, he talks about the sea, about how he wants to go on a ship and see the whole world. He wants to see everything there is to see, wants to sail to the end of the world, right before he falls off its edges. He doesn’t listen when Yoongi tells him that there is no edge but that’s okay. Taehyung wants to see the edge of the world, he wants to see sirens and sea monsters - he wants to fly on top of the waves.
He wants freedom.
Even back then, when Yoongi looks at nine-year-old Taehyung, somehow, he already knew that Taehyung would never stay.
The sea is his freedom and he would grasp it with the first opportunity.
When Yoongi turns fourteen and Taehyung twelve, the younger finally reaches the age where he’s allowed to sign up on one of the small merchant ships that come into their port. These ships belong to the governor and they sail towards the other small towns located at the seaside. Even when Yoongi already knew that Taehyung would never stay, because the land is a prison for him and he would never stop reaching for freedom, it suddenly felt too real when the younger told him he was accepted on a ship.
It’s scary.
The sea is scary and Taehyung would go out there, all alone.
On the day, the ship leaves for the first time with Taehyung onboard Yoongi cries.
He’s embarrassed about it, of course, he is. Taehyung isn’t crying, he’s smiling but there’s still something else in his eyes. Whether he’s trying to be strong for Yoongi’s sake or he just couldn’t decide between being happy about finally sailing out into open waters and his sadness for leaving his home behind, Yoongi doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter. A big part of him doesn’t want to know.
That day is the first day that Taehyung says those words to him. At that time, Yoongi doesn’t know that Taehyung would say these words every single time he leaves.
“I’ll be back home sooner than you think.”
Back home.
Yoongi always thought that Taehyung considers the sea his home but that’s not the case. Because he would say the same words each time he sails with the merchant ships. That he will come back home. Home. This town is home no matter how much he yearns and longs for the sea.
While the years pass, Taehyung continues working on the merchant ships. He leaves and fades into the horizon only to return after three weeks, sometimes four and slowly, Taehyung and he grew older and older. And at one point, Yoongi was turning seventeen soon, he realized that the feelings in his chest that are reserved for Taehyung, are more than just friendship, different from just friendship.
He realizes that it’s not friendship that makes him search the horizon for the shape of a ship every morning. It’s not friendship that brings him down to the shore even though the ocean scares him so much. It’s not friendship that makes his throat tighten uncomfortably and his eyes sting when he watches Taehyung board a ship. It’s not friendship that makes his heart flutter when the younger returns and it’s Yoongi’s name he calls out from afar.
It’s not friendship.
It’s more.
It’s so much more and when Taehyung returns after a month away from land, Yoongi’s whole body has already been consumed by these ‘other’ feelings. By these feelings of something ‘more.’ When he hugs Taehyung that day as the other finally steps on the docks again, his heart races in his chest and he prays that Taehyung doesn’t hear it.
Loud, it’s thumping so loudly in his chest that it almost breaks through his bones, almost jumps straight into Taehyung’s arms. And then the other would know. He would know that there’s more than just friendship in Yoongi’s chest.
That couldn’t happen.
It’s during that night, that he wakes up because of a quiet knock against his window. And when he asks Taehyung what he’s doing here in the middle of the night, what could be so important that he couldn’t wait until the rise of the sun Taehyung just says, “I just wanted to see you.”
His heart flutters and his stomach is filled with butterflies as Taehyung grabs his hand and helps him climb down the side of the house the way he’s been doing for years. More than friendship - he couldn’t deny these feelings no matter how hard he’d try. It’s cold outside but all Yoongi could focus on is the warmth of Taehyung’s skin, the feeling of his hand in his own. And as they sneak through the quiet town in total darkness, they never let go of each other’s hands.
Yoongi follows Taehyung with his heart beating in his throat and with his hand in the other’s, he could almost forget the slight feeling of anxiety that creeps into his body as the planks of the docks groan beneath their feet.
The sound of waves fills the night, mixed with the creaking of the large ships anchoring in the port right now. Taehyung leads him onto one of those, in the darkness Yoongi doesn’t recognize it but Taehyung moves through the night with so much familiarity that it has to be the ship he’s working on right now. It rocks gently beneath their feet, moved by the waves that splash against the side of the ship.
They settle at the front, below an oil lamp that has almost burned down already, wind in their hair and stars above them. It’s a quiet night, calm. By now, Taehyung has let go of his hand - he doesn’t have to pull him along anymore and the coldness that floods Yoongi’s skin spreads all the way through his chest. And suddenly, the distance between them feels much greater than it does when Taehyung is miles away on a ship.
It’s strange.
But they’re still the same. Every time Taehyung returns, it’s like he’s never been gone.
To fill the silence Yoongi just starts talking. He starts talking about the stars above them, about the different constellations they could see right now. Talks about how he would use all of them to navigate tonight and Taehyung listens. Like always, Taehyung listens with a soft smile on his lips and a warmth that lies in his eyes that almost melts the coldness in Yoongi’s chest.
It’s not strange for Yoongi to talk about this, the stars are his favorite thing after all - if he doesn’t count Taehyung. He taught the younger everything he needed to know about the stars, about how to use them to navigate, how he could also use the sun in the sky to know exactly where he is out there on the vast sea.
But right now, what he says is not about that - right now, Yoongi is just rambling. He’s just rambling while Taehyung still stares at him with so much interest that Yoongi’s heart squeezes tightly and he finally, dares to reach out and cross the distance that has ripped through them. It’s just a small movement, way less than how their hands were intertwined just a little while ago. But that was different. Yoongi’s heart races as he shyly lets his pinkie rest on top of Taehyung’s.
And for a moment, Taehyung seems surprised. Yoongi only dares to glance at him from the corner of his eye to gauge his reaction - wide eyes and slightly stiffened shoulders. Yoongi hasn’t stopped talking as if nothing happened. His lips keep talking, his voice keeps pouring out into the quiet night surrounding them while his pinkie trembles on top of Taehyung’s.
From the corner of his eye, he could see the way Taehyung starts to smile again, the surprise vanishing from his face as he turns his head back forward to look out onto the dark ocean. Yoongi thinks the masses of water are scarier at night. The black waves seem to swallow all the light that shines down on them from the sky as if they want to absorb all the light in the world.
He follows Taehyung’s example and looks ahead, looks at the horizon that he could barely distinguish from the sea. And as he does so, Taehyung turns his hand around, slipping his fingers through Yoongi’s as he holds tightly onto his hand again.
It’s different.
Taehyung’s hand in his feels different than it did before. That might be the reason Yoongi manages to draw in a deep breath, tasting salt on his tongue, before he lets the words that have been sitting in his chest for a bit too long roll off his tongue.
“Sometimes…” He says, a little quieter, a little softer than before, and involuntarily he squeezes Taehyung’s hand, “I know it’s just a few weeks but sometimes… when you’re gone I really, really
miss you so much that it almost hurts… and when I do I look out to the sea.”
Taehyung returns the squeeze gently while he shifts a little closer to him, their hands now bracketed by each other’s thighs. “You can clearly see the horizon from your room.”
His heart is beating too fast again, he hopes Taehyung couldn’t feel it through his hand. Yoongi nods. “And sometimes, I think I see a ship at the horizon - I think it’s you. And when it’s not… when it’s not I look up to the stars and wonder where you are out there on the far ocean. I wonder if you miss me too.” There’s a sting somewhere in Yoongi’s chest, a sting behind his eyes as he speaks those words that have been suffocating him for so long. He gulps, squeezing his eyes shut as if he could hide from them like that. “I end up wondering if you miss me the way I miss you.”
The night is quiet but not for Yoongi. All he could hear is the deafening thumping of his own heart and the rush of blood in his ears. His hand is sweaty and his chest twists and turns as he waits for Taehyung’s voice to release him.
He probably doesn’t even wait long but the silence that stretches between them feels like a century. But then, Taehyung finally speaks while he leans his head against Yoongi’s shoulder.
“Every time I’m out on the sea and I can see the stars clearly above me I see you in them. Everything I know about them, I’ve learned from you, and somehow, I seem to have learned how to see your face in all these constellations,” Taehyung whispers. His voice is barely louder than the sound of the waves but it floats right next to Yoongi’s ear, making the hairs at the back of his neck rise. “I always miss you - just the way you miss me - but when I look at the stars, it feels like you’re looking down on me, like you’re right there with me.”
Yoongi has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to not blurt out all of the feelings that are gathering in his chest. They’re pushing, already reaching his throat but he keeps his mouth closed and his eyes on the dark sea.
“No matter how far apart we are,” Taehyung continues. He lifts his head from his shoulder and shifts until he’s facing Yoongi who couldn’t meet his gaze yet. “We’ll always look at the same sky. So, we’re never really apart, right?”
Ah.
Their eyes meet and Yoongi doesn’t know who of them leans in first. All he knows is that his heart is racing out of control and that Taehyung somehow tastes like salt. Like the sea.
It’s the first time Yoongi kisses someone and it’s while the ground beneath him rocks from waves, while his sweaty hand is tightly holding onto Taehyung’s and his lips are slightly chapped. All these feelings in his chest are exploding, simmering right under his skin and he doesn’t ever want this moment to end.
But even right now, with his lips pressed against Taehyung’s and the other’s hand in his, he knows that there will come a day when Taehyung would leave again. Because he doesn’t stay.
They spend the whole night on that ship until the sky starts to lighten and tiredness makes it almost impossible for Yoongi to keep his eyes open. He doesn’t regret it. He doesn’t regret it and most of all, he would never forget this night. Wouldn’t forget the kisses or the sound of Taehyung’s racing heart and he definitely would never forget when the younger told him he loved him. A quiet whisper, almost lost in the sound of the waves as he presses the words against Yoongi’s mouth.
Just hearing the confession made Yoongi’s whole body burn up as if lightning flowed through his veins. Words he thought he would never hear. Words he thought only existed within the boundary of his own chest. Now, these words, spoken by of them, him and Taehyung, are intertwined in the air between them that doesn’t separate them anymore but connects them.
It’s love.
Love.
Love that exists in both of their hearts.
The kind of love Yoongi has read about in poems, has heard the girls in the town whisper about. The kind of love he feels for Taehyung.
But even love doesn’t make Taehyung stay.
For the next two weeks, Taehyung stays in the town and they spend all their time together. It feels a little bit like a dream. Being able to love Taehyung, kiss him, hold his hand. The warmth that has settled in Yoongi’s chest is something so traitorous because he knows it would become cold again - maybe, almost cold enough to freeze his heart until Taehyung would touch him again, would light his chest up.
He knows it could take weeks. It could take months. At some point, it might even take years. But that’s fine. For now, Yoongi would live, he would love Taehyung without thinking about the sea, about ships - about the distance that would inevitably separate them again. Because right now, none of that matters.
Not when Taehyung holds his hand, not when his laughter fills his room. At night, Taehyung comes in through the window and they share their warmth underneath Yoongi’s sheets, shy hands exploring each other’s bodies for the very first time as they share pleasure and longing. It seems like Taehyung has been yearning for him the same way Yoongi has for quite some time.
They bask in each other’s love, thrive in it but the day that Taehyung would board a ship again and leave comes closer and closer. Like a dark cloud at the horizon, it looms over them. And for Yoongi, it’s like the pounding of his heart is the ticking of a clock that counts down the time they have left together.
Because even being in love is not enough to keep Taehyung here with him.
But that’s fine. Yoongi has always been aware of that and it might sting a bit but he never expected his love to change a single thing about Taehyung’s yearning for freedom. It’s bigger than everything. Freedom is what Taehyung needs to survive and it’s the only thing, Yoongi couldn’t give him.
On the day the ship is being readied to leave once more, Yoongi accompanies Taehyung to the port with a heavy heart. Although he knew this day would come and he prepared himself for it, somehow, today saying goodbye feels harder than it ever did before.
For years, he stood on these docks, on these groaning planks as he watched how Taehyung’s ship faded into the horizon but it feels so different today. As if he’s letting his own heart go out there. A piece of him that would be swallowed by the sea, uncertain when it would return to his side. It’s kind of scary and it’s tearing at his heartstrings.
Taehyung pulls him into the shadows of the large ship, away from the crowd of people that are wishing their farewell to the sailors. His vision is already blurry and it gets even worse when Taehyung softly holds onto his cheeks as he angles his head up so their eyes could meet. His fingers are rough, coarse skin from working on a ship - it catches on the softness of Yoongi’s pale cheeks.
He’s always been amazed by the differences between them. His hands have small callouses from writing, from drawing while Taehyung’s hands have been shaped by the labor on the sea. They’re shaped by blisters, by abrasions made from rough rope. Yoongi has always loved feeling these differences but right now they’re making him almost cry.
Softly, Taehyung presses his lips against his forehead as he brushes his calloused thumbs over his cheeks. It only makes Yoongi want to cry harder but he holds it. He tries to stay strong. His hands tremble as he holds onto the front of Taehyung’s shirt, pulling at it until the younger leans forward and connects their lips.
It’s a soft kiss, not rushed, not passionate. But it’s filled with their love, with all of the longing, the yearning they would experience in the following weeks. And this time, Yoongi’s tears fall. Silently, they roll down his cheeks as Taehyung pulls back.
“Save your tears for my return,” He whispers, and with a last, short kiss he promises, “I’ll come back home.”
Knowing that doesn’t make their farewell hurt less. Yoongi knows he will return.
And Taehyung does.
He comes back with the merchant’s ship every single time. And when he comes back he spends every second he has with Yoongi as if nothing ever changed, brings him small gifts from places far away, tells him stories about waves almost as high as their ship, of whales that jump out of the sea only for fun, only to be seen by them.
And when Taehyung gets the opportunity to join a bigger ship, a bigger crew he does, and this time, he’s gone for a full year.
It’s been the longest time they’ve been apart so far. It was a hard time for Yoongi, more than once did he ask himself if something happened or if Taehyung decided to just not come back and chase freedom further and further. So far, that he might have found the edge of the world and fell off. Maybe he chased his freedom until there wasn’t anything left for him to find anymore. Maybe he found his forever happiness somewhere out there on top of the waves.
But this time as well, Taehyung eventually returns home. But he stays with that crew and that means he would be gone for longer periods of time.
It’s fine.
Yoongi understands.
He knows that Taehyung loves him but he also knows that the younger couldn’t stay because his freedom is not being with Yoongi but the sea. And that’s fine. Because even if Taehyung doesn’t stay - he always comes back home. Yoongi’s love is not stronger than the calling of freedom, but it’s loud enough to make Taehyung return every single time.
But the long time apart is hard on them. On both of them. When they see each other again, it feels like a part that’s been missing from their souls has finally returned. And they spend every moment together until Taehyung leaves again with the same promise.
It’s always the same promise of coming back home.
There’s a small voice at the back of Yoongi’s head, a small fear that asks him what would happen if Taehyung would stop considering this town his home? What if he finds another home?
Left behind, Yoongi often wanders down to the shore when these thoughts try to overtake his head. He doesn’t go to the port, not where the water is deep enough for the large ships to anchor but a little further down. Down to the beach, where the children would play in the water when the sun shines down on them during summer.
Sometimes Yoongi would take off his polished shoes, slip out of his pristine white socks, and roll up the hem of his ironed pants to wriggle his toes in the wet sand. Just close enough to the waves so that the water would stop an inch or two away from actually touching him. Then he would stand there and look out onto the open sea, wishing for the shape of a ship to appear at the horizon.
Other times, he wonders how far away Taehyung must be. He wonders if it’s stormy, if the sea is rough, and he wonders if the other is alright, if he’s healthy, if he thinks about him right now as well.
And Yoongi cries. Often he cries. He doesn’t even have to be sad to let his tears fall because the relief that washes over him once the tightness in his throat is gone is enough to make him want to cry often. He cries when he misses Taehyung, when he couldn’t contain all his love for him behind his ribs, when he dreams of him and wakes up with a smile.
Time passes and Yoongi still goes to the sea, still pushes his toes in the sand, and looks out for the familiar shape of a ship. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some weeks are good and some weeks are bad. Some months are good while others are bad.
Sometimes Yoongi smiles while thinking about Taehyung, smiles and feels his heart race when he imagines the other high up between the sails of a ship, wind in his hair and chasing freedom. And other times he sits in his room, his gaze catches on the empty horizon, and he couldn’t contain the sudden, suffocating wave of longing that overwhelms him. It sits in his chest heavily and all Yoongi could compare it to is that one time years ago when he almost drowned.
It feels like that.
As if his lungs are filled with water, his chest burning as he yearns for air. Even around him, the world feels like murky water that’s trapping him, every single move of his muscles is exhausting and only seems to pull him under deeper.
During those times Yoongi wishes Taehyung wouldn’t be out there, wishes the other would stay here. But that’s like trapping a bird in a cage. Its freedom lies so close but at the same time, it’s so far away. Yoongi wouldn’t want to do that to Taehyung. It’s because he loves Taehyung that he understands he has to let him fly free. It doesn’t mean he couldn’t be sad, or that he couldn’t miss him - it’s just a part of all of this. Yoongi has always known that and he has never regretted his decision.
No matter how sad he was. How much he missed Taehyung. No matter how much he wished for the other to be right here next to him. He never regretted it.
The time that Taehyung is gone on sea becomes longer and longer every time he bids him farewell and promises to return home.
When Yoongi stands with his naked feet buried in the sand, staring at the horizon he sometimes feels like the sea has stolen Taehyung from him. And then, when he’d feel particularly frustrated he would step forward - just a tiny step, just enough for the gentle waves to roll over the top of his feet. But as soon as the water touches his skin he recoils and he has to step back.
The outcome never changes and yet, Yoongi tries over and over again.
Maybe it’s because of Taehyung’s love for the sea, because there’s a small part in the back of his mind that makes him think that one day, he might be able to follow the other. But that’s not possible. Not even if he got over his fear of the sea, of the water. Maybe Yoongi wants to try, wants to try and taste a bit of what Taehyung is calling freedom but he can’t. The sea is his freedom. Not Yoongi’s.
Taehyung’s heart may belong to him but his soul belongs to the sea - a place Yoongi would never be able to go to.
And just like that, the time passes.
It’s raining.
Yoongi wakes up to the sound of rain knocking against his window - it must be due to the heavy clouds hanging in the sky that he wakes up later than usual. There’s no sun that could have tickled him awake as it usually does.
For a moment, he just lies there, comfortably tucked into the warmth of his blanket as he breathes in the cool air around himself. It’s today, isn’t it? The day Taehyung said goodbye. Yoongi remembers, he always remembers the exact date when Taehyung boards a ship and promises to return home. How many times has this day passed now already?
With a small groan, Yoongi heaves himself out of bed.
It’s one of those days again.
A bad day.
A day where his whole body yearns for Taehyung, where he’s so overwhelmed by the longing that he could barely breathe. Maybe it’s the rain as well - the dark atmosphere that is already surrounding him. Maybe it’s because it also rained on the day Taehyung left.
Five years. Five years have passed since he heard Taehyung’s voice say, “I’ll come back home again.”
But since then, five years have already passed. The longest time yet. By far the longest time but it’s fine. Because Taehyung promised. He promised and even though he never stays, he always comes back home. That’s a thing Yoongi never really doubted. As soon as doubt starts creeping in, he buries it, bans it from his mind. But over the years now, his longing has started to tear at his edges.
Yoongi doesn’t resent him for sailing, for seeking freedom. From the start, he never expected Taehyung to stay for him, even after they confessed their love to each other he knew that it wouldn’t be enough to keep him here. And it’s fine. He doesn’t love Taehyung less for leaving all the time.
On days like these, when he misses him the most he sometimes wishes that Taehyung would love him more than he craves freedom but on the other hand, Yoongi would also not be able to give up his freedom for Taehyung, for their love. And he doesn’t want to either. Even if he wouldn’t be afraid of the sea, of the water he still wouldn’t follow him - no matter how much he loves him. Yoongi’s life is here, in this town, it’s in this small study room with the stars, with his telescope, and the maps he draws and studies.
That’s his place, his freedom. The stars are his freedom and they’re here, they’re right here, waiting behind his telescope.
The rain doesn’t stop.
Yoongi leaves his window open so he could feel the sound of it hitting the ground, somehow, it’s strangely comforting. He listens to the rain as he sits at his desk but instead of working, he’s slowly, carefully finishing a project he’s been working on for a few weeks. It’s a small ship, Taehyung’s ship - at least it’s supposed to look like his ship. Yoongi doesn’t remember all the details - hell, he might not even be able to recognize Taehyung immediately after five years.
But none of that matters to him.
On bad days like these, he works on the tiny ship, works on the small figurine he carefully painted that is supposed to be Taehyung. It doesn’t look like any human, to be honest, but for Yoongi, it’s Taehyung. For him, he still recognizes it as the younger.
He yawns as he carefully ties the small strings to the mast and the sails. It’s not the first time he tries something like this - all his former attempts failed. But today, as he carefully pushes the folded ship through the neck of the glass bottle and tugs at the strings the ship expands beautifully. Its sails fill the bottle as it stands in the middle of it majestically.
Somehow… Yoongi couldn’t even find it in himself to smile at his accomplishment, too heavy weighs his heart today.
Taehyung always comes back home… until he won’t.
Yoongi never really allows himself to entertain such ideas. The moment he starts worrying he won’t be able to stop and that’s not what he wants. But the sea is a dangerous place. There are a million things that could happen to Taehyung out there. Maybe they’ve already happened and Yoongi would never know, he would never know a single thing because he’d be just sitting here, waiting for someone who would never return.
Waiting for a promise that could never be fulfilled.
With a sigh, he slumps down at his desk. He pushes against the neck of the bottle, spinning it slowly around as his eyes follow the ship inside. Outside, the rain has picked up. As his gaze strays towards the dark horizon outside of his window, he asks himself if Taehyung might be caught in a rainfall like this one. Would it be harder out there on the open sea? Would it be stormy? Would the waves be taller than the masts?
Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to think about stuff like that… but that’s easier said than done.
It’s frustrating. Yoongi couldn’t hold back a few tears as he keeps staring outside his window as if his pure wish for it would make a ship appear on the horizon. And slowly, very slowly his eyes fall shut as tiredness overwhelms him, lulled to sleep by the rhythmic pitter-patter of the rain.
It’s the rumbling sound of thunder that wakes Yoongi up with a start just as the brightness of lightning tears through the dark clouds and illuminates his room for a second. His heart is beating in his throat, body fully tensed due to the sudden noise that startled him awake. There’s a roaring thunderstorm going on outside.
Groggily, Yoongi rubs at his eyes as he straightens up, feeling his spine pop as he stretches out his tensed limbs. Habitually, his gaze jumps towards his window, the port and the horizon that lie beyond and for a moment, he thinks that he’s hallucinating when he sees large, white sails through the thick rain.
Five years.
Five years have passed since he’s seen it but Yoongi recognizes the ship. Recognizes these sails, this flag that belongs to the ship that’s currently being tied to the docks.
As soon as Yoongi realizes that it’s not a hallucination his mind goes blank. He doesn’t think as he storms out of the governor’s house, cursing that it’s overlooking the whole town and the furthest away from shore, from the port.
In a matter of seconds, Yoongi is soaked to the bones, heart racing in his chest, lungs and muscles burning from how fast he’s running through the town. The muddy roads give in beneath his feet and more than once, does he almost stumble but he always catches himself in the last second. Taehyung. That’s Taehyung’s ship.
Rain is running down his face, mixing with his tears that are already falling - he doesn’t know if it’s because of the wind in his eyes or the tight feeling in his chest. There’s a knot in his throat, something that’s pulling at his lungs and heart, something that makes it almost impossible to breathe - it’s something that would only come loose once he would be able to set his eyes on Taehyung.
There are already small groups of people running back into the shelter from the rain, having greeted the returning sailors but Yoongi just runs past him. Taehyung must be waiting for him. Even in this rain, he would, Yoongi knows that.
He’s gasping as he finally rounds the last corner, skidding over the wet planks of the docks. The waves at the side are crashing so high against the docks that the water runs over the planks, making them even slippier than the rain has already done. Yoongi still runs because there, at the end, sitting in the lower rigging is Taehyung.
His heart stops before all of the tightness is finally released from his body. Yoongi comes to a skidding stop at the end of the docks and now there’s only a tiny distance between them. He could reach out and his hand would close around Taehyung’s ankle. So close.
Taehyung looks so much older. His skin is tanner than the last time he’s seen him, it’s peeling high on his cheekbones and at the tip of his nose. Rough hands are gripping the thick ropes of the rigging. His hair has grown longer, tied at the back of his neck in a messy knot while a few wet strands are plastered over his forehead, chapped lips are smiling down at him.
He looks so different but at the same time, it feels like not a minute has passed at all since the last time they’ve seen each other.
Five years.
It’s been five years though.
“Were you sleeping?” His rough voice asks and Yoongi almost starts sobbing. He missed that. Taehyung’s voice alone sends his heart into a frenzy.
The rain beats down on them, both are shivering in their soaked clothes but neither of them cares. Yoongi couldn’t contain his smile as he looks up at Taehyung. “What gave it away?” He asks.
“There’s ink on your cheek,” Taehyung jumps down from the rigging, landing right in front of Yoongi on the slippery planks. His hands are trembling as he raises one of them to rub a thumb over where the ink mark supposedly sits on Yoongi’s skin. “Hi,” He breathes quietly.
“Hi,” Yoongi’s voice trembles, Taehyung’s touch against his skin feels unreal, “Long time no see.”
The smile on Taehyung’s lips wobbles as well and then, finally, he wraps his arms around Yoongi tightly. So tightly that it steals his breath away but Yoongi feels like he could finally breathe for the first time in the last five years. His feet get lifted off the ground as Taehyung spins them around but only for a second, before the younger slips and they both crash down on the wet wood.
It might hurt but Yoongi doesn’t even feel the pain as he lies in Taehyung’s arms, feeling the other’s heartbeat against his and hearing his laughter right by his ear.
So long, it’s been so long but with Taehyung’s body against his, Yoongi feels like they were never really apart.
“I missed you,” Taehyung whispers later that night, as he’s pressing himself against Yoongi’s warm back, arms wrapped around his middle and breath right by his ear. Outside, rain is still knocking against his window but all Yoongi could hear is the beating of Taehyung’s heart.
Their naked skin slightly sticks to each other and it’s a little too warm beneath the blanket - moving though, is out of the question. If Yoongi could he would stay here until their bodies have melted to become one.
“Me too.”
It’s simple. Those simple words “I missed you”, they sound like so little but they convey so much, they hold all of the yearning, the love, and the trust they’ve shared over the past five years despite oceans of distance between them.
Taehyung hums before he sits up slightly to lean over him and press a soft kiss to the center of his forehead. For these moments, Yoongi would endure it all. He would wait forever for Taehyung to return if it meant feeling like this when he could finally touch him again.
“The stars lead me back home.”
Yoongi closes his eyes, turning around in Taehyung’s arms so he could bury his face in the younger’s chest. Yeah. These are the moments he craves. The only moments they have and that’s fine. It’s fine. They’ve both chosen this life, both of them chose their freedoms above love but that never meant they would stop their hearts from yearning for each other. Their love doesn’t suffer from the distance, from the years apart.
He draws in a deep breath, trying to eternalize the scent of Taehyung into his body because the moment would come, where the younger is taken away by the waves again.
They spend their days together as they always do. Older now, it feels different than before. Five years is a lot. It’s not every minute that they are together, there are duties Yoongi has to fulfill in the governor’s house, duties he has to fulfill for his work. But as he used to, Taehyung still comes climbing in through the window even though everyone in the governor’s house already knows he spends all his time in here when he comes back. He could easily walk through the front door, no longer the shabby orphan boy that had to sneak into the governor’s residence.
Those times are over. Taehyung has worked his way up in the ranks of the merchant’s ship - already, having the title of the first mate. If things continue like this, Taehyung would become captain one day. He earned himself his status but he still insists on coming inside the same way he did as a child.
Just how they used to as children, Taehyung sits at the window as he talks about the sea, about brutal storms, about dolphins he saw dancing above the water, about things neither of the sailors could explain, about fairytales, and sires. And just like when they were children, Yoongi would listen.
This time, Taehyung has brought him a lot of gifts from far away. Traveling with the merchants that trade with foreign countries has given him access to so much that Yoongi has never seen before.
Taehyung gifts him jewelry, golden rings, and a jacket woven and embroidered so beautifully - a work Yoongi has never seen before. What he likes the most out of all the gifts are the maps though, hand-painted maps of the stars from the other side of the world. Constellations Yoongi has never seen in those positions or some that he’s actually never seen before.
It’s fascinating.
And just like when they were children, Taehyung listens to him attentively with the same soft smile he’s always worn when Yoongi talked about the stars with him.
One time, Taehyung takes him onto the merchant’s ship. The sun is hanging low, just barely above the horizon while the whole sky seems to have been lit up with flames above their heads. Even the sea looks like it’s on fire.
It reminds Yoongi of that one night where they shared their first kiss, on a ship similar to this they also sat at the front of it, looking out onto the calm waves. It’s nostalgia that makes Yoongi’s heart throb. Quietly, he sits next to Taehyung and like it’s second nature he easily leans against the younger, putting his hand out for Taehyung to take. As if they’ve been doing this for years, accustomed to each other as if they’ve never been apart for a second in their life.
As the fire in the sky gets swallowed by the sea Taehyung squeezes his hand for a moment, getting his attention before he whispers, “I’m sorry it took me so long to come back this time.”
Yoongi smiles softly, closing his eyes as he draws in the scent of the sea, the scent of Taehyung. “It doesn’t matter how long you’ll take,” He replies, swiping his thumb soothingly over the back of Taehyung’s hand, “I’ll always wait for you here - because you always come back home.”
“I do -” He could hear the smile in Taehyung’s voice. Warmth spreads through him, that giddy feeling of love. Yes, love. It’s always been love and it will always be love - no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes. Love. Taehyung nuzzles his face into his hair, holding tightly onto him, “Just look towards the horizon until you can see my ship.”
“And you,” Yoongi’s voice trembles slightly, “You just look at the stars and they’ll guide you back home to me.”
“They will.”
That night, as the air becomes colder around them and the wind blows through their hair, Taehyung gives him a ring. It’s simple, a simple silver band but for Yoongi, it’s the best out of all of the gifts that Taehyung has ever given him before. Because with the ring comes another promise, additionally to the one that he always gives him anyway.
“The next time I will come back as captain,” Taehyung says as he presses the ring into the palm of Yoongi’s hand, “And when that happens, I’ll take you on my ship and marry you.”
“You’re such a fool,” Yoongi laughs, only to hide the way his heart is beating out of his chest, thumping against his ribs as if it wants to break through them, “We’re both men. We can’t get married.”
“Of course, we can,” Taehyung argues quickly, “I’ve seen a lot of guys married to each other. It happens all the time on sea.”
And Yoongi might have still laughed but deep down, he knows Taehyung is serious and that alone is enough to make him feel dizzy. Love - is this love? It has to be more, right? It feels like more. When he looks at Taehyung, feeling the weight of the ring in his pocket, he couldn’t contain his feelings, couldn’t contain the beating of his heart.
That night is filled with love. Nothing else exists in the air around them and they fall asleep in each other’s embrace, fingers mapping each other’s bodies as if it’s the first time, entangled breaths and bruising kisses. As if they’re trying to become one, to let their bodies join so they would never be apart again. Or maybe it’s their souls, their hearts that are slowly becoming one.
The next morning, when Yoongi wakes up he doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know - he could feel it in the air, in the way his heart beats a little slower than usual. He knows. He already knows that Taehyung didn’t stay until the end of the night.
There it is again - that sinking feeling in his chest.
Yoongi slowly sits up. There’s an ache in his body, in his muscles - the places where Taehyung left bruising kisses last night sting, they bloom on his pale skin in vibrant color. His gaze goes its usual path and strays towards the horizon and there he could see it, the ship with the large white sails. It slowly fades into the bright colors of the rising sun and with a sigh, Yoongi lets himself fall back on his bed.
It still smells like Taehyung.
He squeezes his eyes shut, pulling his blankets close as he inhales the other’s scent, tries to find a hint of warmth left in the fabric. Why didn’t he say goodbye this time? Yoongi could feel his eyes sting as his throat slowly closes. That’s when he finally notices it - the sound of crinkling paper.
Confused, he sits up again and then spots it, a small, folded piece of paper on the bed next to him. It’s crinkled now after he rolled on top of it before. In scrawny handwriting, the letters of his name are written on it. Yoongi’s heart picks up its pace as he slowly reaches out to unfold the paper and as his eyes skim the words left behind by Taehyung, his vision starts to swim.
I’m sorry I didn’t wake you but I couldn’t bring myself to. You looked so peaceful sleeping there - please don’t resent me for letting you continue to dream. But I still wanted to tell you goodbye and there is something else I want you to understand.
My home has never been this town. I always thought it would be the sea but my home has always been you. Wherever you go, my home shall be right with you and I will always return to you. Because you’re my home - so, please wait for me to come back home and fulfill my promise
Love, Taehyung
Three years pass where Yoongi keeps the ring Taehyung gifted him close to his heart. He keeps the other’s promise on a chain around his neck, dangling close to his heart, and every time he feels lonely, he feels sad Yoongi would look at the small piece of paper the younger left behind.
Home.
Yoongi could have never imagined that this word is reserved for him.
Three years pass until Yoongi looks out towards the horizon and sees a ship, a ship with a dozen white sails filled with wind. Elegantly, it seems to fly above the water. The low sun in the sky behind it is so bright that Yoongi couldn’t make out the details, couldn’t recognize the ship but he doesn’t have to.
He just knows, he feels it.
His heart knows, it knows that Taehyung is on there - that he’s finally coming home again.
For a moment, he’s frozen as he stares at the ship that is getting closer and closer. It feels unreal as if Taehyung is already right beside him. Every time, the younger returns, Yoongi wonders why the love he’s always carried in his chest suddenly feels so different, like it’s so much bigger than before but it has to be because of the distance. Because the distance is finally gone and every time that happens, he wonders how he was able to stay sane during the long months, years, that it took until Taehyung finally came back again.
Quickly, he shakes his head, clearing his mind before he starts running out of his room. On his way, he almost falls down the stairs in his hurry but he couldn’t be bothered to be careful. The people jump to the side when they see him running through the town - knowing smiles on their lips as they yell after him. Everyone already knows. They know that when Yoongi runs, it could only mean one thing.
Taehyung is back.
The closer he comes to the shore, the more he could make out the ship against the low sun. It’s slowly sliding through the water, sailing parallel to the shore right now, still so far away from reaching the port. Too far for Yoongi.
Before he could change his mind, he makes a sharp turn to the left. Running until his shoes sink into the sand of the shore. Here, where the water slowly rolls onto the beach. He’s still far away but now, Yoongi could make the ship out, right in front of him - just separated by the sea.
And there he is.
His whole body is trembling with excitement.
Taehyung looks so small, still too far away. Yoongi only recognizes him because he’s waving his arms in the air, yelling his name at the top of his lungs as he hangs in the rigging at the side of the ship. “Min Yoongi!” He yells and Yoongi feels his eyes starting to water. Above his heart, is the ring Taehyung gave to him and he doesn’t think he could wait for a second longer.
He takes a deep breath, puts his hands around his mouth as he yells, “Taehyung!”
His heart is so fast in his chest, racing uncontrollably and a loud yell falls off his lips as he watches how Taehyung jumps off the side of his ship, diving into the waves. For a moment, he couldn’t see him but then the younger breaks through the surface of the water, waving his arms in the air again before he starts swimming - swimming towards Yoongi.
“Taehyung!” He yells, yells loud enough to make his throat hurt.
The younger is swimming, being carried by the waves that are stopping just short of Yoongi’s feet in the sand. He stares down at the water before he glances back up at Taehyung, who is still swimming towards him with all his might and that’s when Yoongi makes a decision.
In his head, the words Taehyung has said to him many, many years ago echo loudly. “You don’t have to be afraid of the water. As long as you’re with me, I’ll pull you back up. I’ll protect you.”
He doesn’t think - couldn’t - as he struggles to take off his shoes, tugging at his socks as he finally slides them off, and then - he hesitates. For a heartbeat, he hesitates, staring down at the tiny waves rolling onto the shore before he raises his head, meets Taehyung’s eyes above the waves and then the younger is yelling his name again.
That’s enough.
That’s all it takes for him to make the first step.
There are tears already rolling down his cheeks but he doesn’t care. His chest constricts, breath coming out shorter and shorter as he starts running into the sea, water splashing up his sides as its coldness embraces him. It’s scary - it’s so scary and all Yoongi wants to do is turn back around and flee from the water but he keeps his eyes on Taehyung. That’s the only reason he keeps running, keeps going as the water gets deeper and deeper around him.
It slows him down, pulls at his limbs as if it wants to keep him away from Taehyung just a second longer.
It’s cold. It’s very cold but that doesn’t matter.
The water reaches his belly button when there are finally hands reaching for him and he doesn’t even have time to get a look at Taehyung before salty lips press against his own. Their teeth knock against each other painfully but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
Yoongi holds tightly onto Taehyung’s wet clothes, pushing himself against the other as close as possible.
He’s back and Yoongi knows why he puts himself through this ordeal over and over again. The sadness, the pain, the loneliness - none of it compares to the way he feels alive, feels his body fill with love when he sees Taehyung again.
The younger pulls away from his lips only to push his face against Yoongi’s neck, arms so tight around him that Yoongi could barely breathe.
His voice is deep, rough from the months, years spent at sea. But it’s not the sound of his voice that sends shivers down Yoongi's spine and makes his knees grow weak, it's the words he says.
“I’m home.”
”Freiheit”
freedom; the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved