Work Text:
Atsumu Miya was straight.
It was the one thing in life he was sure about: He’d meet a beautiful girl, they’d marry and maybe have kids, and they’d live a happy life together until they died, side by side.
He had no idea what he’d work on, even though college entrance exams were approaching, and he had wasted the last two years of his life endlessly scrolling through videos of the same damned guy.
He knew he had to study, he knew he had to get his grades up if he wanted to actually go to university and be successful like everyone had always told him, since he was just a little kid and stood out at everything he did, and still, something within him didn’t let him be free.
He often remembered his childhood as happy, his afternoons playing with Osamu at the park, the one time he peed over himself and said he had fallen on a puddle although it hadn’t rained that day… And the girls he used to like.
Atsumu Miya had had three girlfriends.
The first one didn’t count, he thought, as they were only five and kids that age date for two hours before breaking up because “eugh, girls are gross”.
The second one was a short, blonde-haired girl a year younger than him. They were thirteen and fourteen at the time. She was a foreigner and looked really different from anyone Atsumu had ever seen, but still he believed her to be beautiful and she thought he was good-looking too, so naturally they started dating because when you’re so young only looks matter.
They broke up two months later when she mistook Osamu for him and he caught them making out behind the school.
This was the reason Atsumu Miya started dying his hair blonde.
His third relationship lasted for two years.
This time the girl had black curly hair and her body was covered with moles. She was kind of a nerd so everyone was surprised by the sudden announcement Atsumu made on his social media when he posted a picture of the two of them kissing.
As he himself stated textually, “When yer sixteen appearance is as meaningless as a grain of sand in an infinite desert” and “She’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, plus she’s nice and she likes me a lot”.
Eventually, of course, they got closer, and so met each other’s family formally. Their relationship grew to the point where they spent Christmas and summer break together, always them, and Osamu. She didn’t quite like that, and so she talked to him a few months after turning eighteen.
“Hey, Tsumu. Can we talk?”
“Sure, what’s wrong?”
“Um… so we’re both already eighteen and I thought I’d like spending some time together”
“We’re always together, though”
“I mean, alone. The two of us, without Samu”
“Thought you liked Samu”
“I do! I like him! It’s just… You know. I’ve been talking to my friends and they’ve all crossed the line with their boyfriends. Do you know what I mean?"
“Um… Yeah?”
“Tsumu!”
“Sorry, I have no idea what yer talkin' about”
As she gathered all her courage, trying to be as straightforward as possible without letting her shyness get in the way, Atsumu’s phone emitted the sound of a notification.
“Let’s have sex!”
As she said this, Atsumu unlocked his phone, a smile on his face when he read the announcement.
“Omi’s live now”
“Tsumu?”
“Yeah, sorry. What were you tellin' me?”
“Tsumu, don’t you think I look kinda like that Kiyoomi?”
“What? Why would you ask that? You don’t look anythin' alike. Look at how smooth his curls look, they must be really soft, and his arms are so strong, and…"
“Tsumu, wake the fuck up”
“What?”
“We’re done. I’m leaving”
“Wait! Are you breakin' up with me?”
“Who cares? You can always go watch your dear Omi’s videos if you want to feel better”
Atsumu was really confused at the time, but even if he had understood what she meant, he couldn’t have imagined how spot on that affirmation was.
Atsumu Miya’s nineteenth birthday arrived.
He spent most of his time on his phone, lacking any motivation to carry on with any of the activities he was so good at in elementary school.
Osamu had gotten himself a girlfriend so they didn’t spend much time together anymore.
Atsumu finally understood what was so weird about his last relationship.
There was a guy in Atsumu’s class, he was short, ginger and, from Atsumu’s point of view, really attractive. He didn’t quite understand how a guy could be attractive to him but didn't want to give it much thought.
Atsumu Miya knew what the LGBTIQ+ community was, and he supported it as the straightest of allies possible. He had friends that identified with the community, and still loved them for what they were. It was fine for anyone to be queer. Anyone but himself. Because Atsumu Miya was going to meet a beautiful girl and they were going to get married. Maybe they’d have a kid, and they’d grow old together, until they died side by side.
Atsumu found out the redhead was called Shoyo. And he was gay, and single. They became friends, and their relationship grew closer and closer as weeks passed by. There was an obvious tension between the two, and Shoyo’s concealed caresses to Atsumu’s arm didn’t pass unnoticed.
One night, they attended a party where the both got really drunk. As they went looking for a bed to lay on, they ended up sleeping under the same sheets.
The alcohol was the only one to blame. There was no way Atsumu Miya would make out with a guy. There was no way Atsumu Miya would masturbate another guy. There was no way a man could get Atsumu Miya up. The alcohol was the only one to blame.
The following day, Atsumu apologized to Shoyo and, from then on, they grew distant from each other.
Atsumu Miya couldn’t stop thinking about the party.
He didn’t particularly like Shoyo, but when they were together some kind of chemical reaction seemed to take place. Keeping him far away would be for the best, probably.
Some weeks later, Osamu came out to him as bi. Now he was sure, he had to be straight. There was no way two twins could be part of the community, right?
Still, Atsumu spent most of his time on his phone, scrolling through an endless amount of random videos. They didn’t make sense, hell, they weren’t even funny. But they all starred the same damned guy, with his soft curls, and his strong arms, and he didn’t want to admit it but, those cute moles that spread all over his body. Or at least, all over the body Atsumu had imagined hundreths of times.
He didn’t want to ask himself why in the world would he imagine a shirtless guy, let alone why he thought he would look cute (and hot) with it covered by moles.
The answer was simple, Atsumu Miya didn’t have a fragile masculinity. He wasn’t afraid to say when he found a guy attractive and that certainly didn’t mean he felt attracted to him, he just knew how to appreciate beauty, regardless of gender.
Atsumu Miya’s identity crisis hit rock bottom the day his favourite content creator uploaded that damned video.
Sakusa Kiyoomi, object of all of Atsumu’s admiration and who he aspired to be someday came out of the closet as a proud gay.
And Atsumu’s stomach filled with butterflies.
His life flipped upside down.
Was he happy? There was no way. Atsumu Miya didn’t feel attracted to a person who lived miles away from him, who he’d never get to meet and who he shared a gender with.
And yes, maybe his last girlfriend shared some physical traits with him. And yes, maybe he had been watching every single video, every single live, his dear Omi had posted the last three years, getting lost in the dream of, maybe in another life, tangling his fingers in those black, smooth curls, and feeling those strong arms around him, kissing all those imaginary moles, and touching those pink lips with his own.
Atsumu Miya liked girls.
Atsumu Miya felt attracted to some boys.
Atsumu Miya’s peaceful world was attacked by a person who lived miles away from him, who he’d never get to meet and who he shared a gender with.
But for now, at least in front of society,
Atsumu Miya was straight.