Chapter Text
There was a tightness in Makoto’s chest as she ducked into the Student Council room as if taking cover.
Tonight was the night they sent Junya Kaneshiro’s calling card, and tomorrow was the day they went straight for his heart. If Morgana was to be believed, they had exactly one chance at this. One chance to clear the debt and save herself and her sister. And if she missed that chance, then…
She felt like a panic attack was coming on. She felt dizzy. Her chest was starting to hurt. She’d tried to keep her mind off this as much as possible, but this was it, the culmination of this entire miserable semester, the day that decided whether she collapsed under all the pressure or overcame it.
She was ready. She wasn’t ready to wait, though. She couldn’t do anything but sit around and let time pass, now. For today, she couldn’t do anything to improve her chances, anything to make a difference. All this weight on her shoulders, all this pressure, and nothing to do with it for a full 24 hours. Tomorrow she could fight for her life, but today, all she could do was think about what happened if she failed.
Her breathing was unsteady. She was leaned up against the door, one hand on her chest, just trying to get stable again, but it wasn’t working.
There was a gentle presence in the back of her mind, trying to get her attention. It was a soft, comfortable sort of feeling nudging at her, but it was carrying with it a feeling of disappointment and worry. It - well, she - was familiar. She always made herself known when Makoto was stressed and scared like this. Usually, Makoto pushed her away, and she had to push back and assert herself. Usually Makoto would keep ignoring the soft nudge and keep working and working and working until she collapsed, and only then could the other presence actually do anything. This time, though, Makoto reached out to that feeling, and reached for the bundle of pink fabric in her backpack. There was nothing to do but sit here and stew in her anxiety anyway, so why the hell not.
Ann kept her face buried in her phone while she walked the school hallways. She was trying her best not to catch any of the stares in her peripheral vision. She was probably the most talked-about person in the entire school, at this point, and as much of a comfort as her dyed-blonde hair was, it made her stand out from the crowd in a way that made sure she could never slip by anywhere unnoticed. It was all she could do to keep her head down and try as hard as possible to come off like an ordinary person, try to express to everyone that she was just fine, but it was probably pointless. With how public her breakdown had been, it wouldn’t ever be normal for her to be here in Shiho’s place - Even the most high-functioning, friendly, ordinary Ann wasn’t Shiho, and for that, nobody was ever going to look at her like she was sane. Nobody except her friends, anyway, but her friends weren’t around today.
She was starting to feel crowded out by all the stares. Being surrounded by judgemental people like this wasn’t something anyone was equipped to deal with alone, really. She wished Akira and Ryuji were there, but they couldn’t be there with her every day, and she didn’t expect them to. Trying to face the world head-on alone didn’t seem like a good idea, though, so she decided the best choice was to just find somewhere to be alone for a while, and relax.
The rooftop felt like a good choice. Nobody ever went up there, except her and her friends. She thought of it as ‘their space’, in a way, so even if they weren’t there with her, she’d probably find some of that same feeling of comfort if she relaxed in a place that felt like it belonged to them.
As soon as she stepped out onto the rooftop, Ann let out a breath she didn’t notice she’d been holding, and leaned up against the closed door to collect herself again. With her eyes shut tight, she took a few deep breaths and let herself calm down. It was a feeling that reminded her a lot of stepping into a Safe Room in the palaces, ducking out of an atmosphere so tense and thick it warped her vision, and into a place where she could finally let her guard down.
“Whew…” She shook off some of the jitters, straightened out her jacket and skirt, and dusted herself off a little. She opened her phone to the Phantom Thieves’ group chat, and sent off a message. [Jeez, I’m in need of a pick-me-up. Is there any good ice cream in Aoyama? I need my sugar before I hit the subway lol]
She heard the sound of another phone pinging, and looked up. There was someone else here, someone she’d been too distracted to notice.
The girl’s dark-brown hair was tousled and fluffed, her uniform top was covered by a pink sweater, and she wore a contented, relaxed expression on her face. She crouched down low, set a bucket of gardening tools and a watering can aside, and tore open a bag of fertilizer, humming softly to herself all the while. “Do you think this will help you along?” She asked a batch of celery plants, which didn’t seem to be growing very enthusiastically at all compared to the rest of her little rooftop garden. Her voice was soft, airy and calm, at a high pitch that didn’t quite sound natural, but she sounded so at ease it could hardly be called ‘forced’, either.
She looked a little like Makoto. Well, she looked a lot like Makoto, actually. But an expression that calm looked downright alien on Makoto’s face, so it was very easy for Ann to doubt that it was just Makoto she’d walked in on. The girl in pink may have looked just like her, but she seemed so unlike her in every way in this moment that Ann’s mind couldn’t reconcile the mismatch.
Ann was apprehensive. If this was a new person she hadn’t met, she probably wasn’t getting out of here without hearing some invasive questions or being offered some forced sympathy. At the very least, someone this kind-looking probably wasn’t going to turn around and call her delusional, but it was impossible to know for sure. In any case, Ann was suddenly feeling a lot less at ease, and a lot more nervous.
Haru wiped off her hands and rose to her feet with a big stretch. The soil in the celery’s planter was nice and nourished now, but there was still plenty more to be done, and plenty more ways to pass the time making sure her plants were well taken care of for the weekend. She wasn’t expecting to get another chance to tend to her garden for a few days, with Makoto’s schedule, so she had to make absolutely certain it would be fine without her for a little while. And she was happy for the excuse to spend the time being meticulous! It was such a calming, satisfying, fulfilling thing, gardening. Something so simple, that just required some earnest dedication and gave her so many beautiful things to show for her hard work. It was nothing like all the vague, formless, exhausting goals Makoto was always endlessly chasing. No, the world on the rooftop was so much simpler than that. The products of her efforts were real and tangible, fair and more-or-less as she expected them. No games, no tricks, no competition, no pressures. Just her and her own pride and joy. There was something so deeply comfortable about that.
Makoto tended to think of it as a waste of time, of course, or at least she always tried to argue as much. But no matter what she thought or said, Haru knew better. Makoto would always feel so much better after Haru took her time to relax like this. The relaxation was a lot deeper than just Haru’s own mind or emotions - it was in letting out the tension in their body and face, it was in correcting the balance in all the mysterious brain chemistry that governed stress. It was a relaxation Haru and Makoto both felt from the core of their shared body. And no matter how much Makoto tried to argue her time was better spent working and studying, Haru knew Makoto needed this. That’s why she was here, after all.
Internal musings aside, Haru turned to pick up her watering can, and -
“Oh!”
Ann jumped at the noise, and looked over at Haru with a deer-in-headlights expression. She didn’t know what to say - she still wasn’t entirely even sure if this was her friend or if this was a random stranger, so she just waited for Haru to say something first, to hopefully clear that up and give her a cue on where the hell to go from here.
Haru was expecting to be recognized - and Makoto was internally screaming in anxiety over being seen like this, absolutely losing her mind in a way that made it suddenly very hard for Haru to hold onto control and composure - but Ann didn’t greet ‘Makoto’ by name, or even acknowledge her with any sort of familiarity or comfort. It was the sort of timid look Ann would give Makoto back when they were still at odds with each other, back when they were still strangers.
Do I… Pass as my own person? Haru excitedly wondered.
“H… Hello!” She forced her voice as soft and high as it could go, as un-Makoto as she could make it sound. “Suzui-san, right?”
Ann grimaced, but tried to force the grimace into a nonchalant smile, with mixed results. A stranger at this school knowing her name was never a good sign. Which sucked, because every stranger at this school knew her name. “Um… Yeah…” She meekly replied.
Seeing Ann acting timid around new people always made Makoto’s stomach turn. It was terrifying to Makoto, in a nauseating way, seeing someone else being mistreated, and knowing deep down that if people knew her secrets they’d be treating her the exact same way. Haru was annoyed to find that feeling of nausea washing over her, not in line with her own emotions at all; That anxiety-ridden presence in the back of her head was kicking up a storm of butterflies in her stomach and throwing her off balance when Haru was just trying to be happy about finally getting the chance to talk to someone.
If she wanted to talk to Ann, though, first she’d have to find a way to make sure she knew that the ‘elephant in the room’ of her identity wasn’t a problem, and she was safe and welcome here. She started with a question, spoken softly and gently. “If you don’t mind me asking, what would you like me to call you?”
Ann blinked, and looked at Haru a bit sideways. “Huh? O-oh, um-” She stood up straight, her face flushed, and she chuckled bashfully. “A-Ann-chan is fine, if… If that’s okay, aha…” She rubbed the back of her neck and looked up and away, her face looking like the ripest tomato in the garden. “Sorry, I know it’s…” She trailed off, and cleared her throat. “Um, thank you.”
Haru gave her a soft smile, and nodded. “It’s a lovely name, Ann-chan.” Seeing the look of relief on Ann’s face, Haru was satisfied, and Makoto’s presence started to calm down and fade again, just a bit. Haru’s smile got just a little brighter, and she introduced herself cheerfully now that the ice was broken. “My name’s Haru! You can stay as long as you like, I don’t mind. I have special permission to be up here, so I’m sure if anyone asks, I can say I invited you and you’ll be okay.” She turned back to the plants, and picked up the watering can.
“Thanks!” Ann let out a breath she’d been accidentally holding, and found a place to sit down. “Just needed to get out of the crowds for a minute…” She sighed, and Haru nodded. Ann looked to her phone again, and the two of them were comfortably quiet for a moment as she looked through her messages.
Haru started softly humming once again, as she worked. It was a small thing, and the two weren’t even really talking yet, but there was something about being able to hum a little song unashamedly around another person that felt nice. It was a bit sad that she’d never done that before, but it was a relief to start now.
Ann spoke up again, after a minute. “Y’know, I always wondered who took care of those plants up here. Surprised I haven’t run into you before, actually, I used to come up here a lot.”
“It’s a bit of a shame we never got to meet before, then.” Haru replied with a bright smile. “You seem nice!”
Ann bashfully rubbed the back of her neck, and chuckled. “Yeah, you too!”
It was a small thing, but Haru’s smile was as bright as the springtime sun, hearing someone was happy to meet her. She kept her focus on her task, but there was a song in her heart, now, and everything in her garden just seemed like it looked a little more beautiful.
The silence was peaceful and comfortable, but still, Haru wanted to find a way to keep up the conversation with her first friend! So, she racked her brain, and asked the first question that came to mind. “What sorts of things do you like to do with your free time? Don’t suppose you have any plants at home, or anything like that?”
“Oh, um! Well, I’ve never really tried gardening before, but.” Ann shrugged, leaning back and crossing her ankles. “I’ve been learning some advanced makeup stuff lately, though! Working on getting better at contouring, and things like that. I keep it more subtle for school, but at home I’ll sometimes just get carried away for hours, following along with tutorials and stuff, trying on different looks…”
Haru giggled softly. “Ooh! I’ve seen some amazing posts online about professional contouring art, it’s really incredible! I even saw one of a girl somehow making herself into the spitting image of a male celebrity rapper, it was… Baffling!”
Ann laughed right back. “Yeah, I think I know which one you’re talking about! The pros are really something else… It’d probably take me a good few years and some expensive lessons to get that far.”
Haru nodded. “Are you planning on going for it? You could do makeup for models and movie stars, too! Or even just brides on their wedding days!”
Ann shrugged. “Well, I mean… I guess I haven’t really been thinking long-term, lately? But, maybe, we’ll see what happens! I should at least see if anywhere nearby offers any good courses…”
Haru gave an encouraging smile! “Mhm! You’d do amazing at it, I’m sure!”
Ann chuckled, blushing and looking away. “Where’d all this confidence in me come from? It’s been, what, ten minutes?”
Haru tensed, and winced a little. (And Makoto winced a lot, and her heart rate spiked.) Haru had all the memories of Ann fighting at Makoto’s side for the past month, and had seen Ann’s confident, determined, powerful self on display time and time again. She’d forgotten for a moment that this girl who’d jumped in front of a fireball for her before didn’t know her yet. “O-oh, I mean! Just… You sound so passionate about it, is all!” She tried to cover for herself, hoping she didn’t sound too awkward.
“Hey, no worries! I appreciate the energy, just surprised me, that's all!” Ann gave her a kind smile, and stood up, walking over to give Haru’s hair a little tousle.
Okay, crisis averted! Haru thought to herself, and urged Makoto to relax. She blushed, and returned the smile.
Ann idly checked her phone, and grimaced when she saw how much time had already passed. “...Oh, crap… I, uh, I should probably head out soon, my parents are gonna be worried sick if I’m out too long… We should definitely hang out more, though! Wanna give me your number, and we could maybe meet for lunch or something, sometime? I know this really good crepes place in Shibuya you’ve gotta try.”
“Oh. Um.” Haru glanced around, and tried to scramble for some sort of answer. “I, um...!” She stuttered out, looking towards her backpack with her (Makoto’s) phone in it, which already had Ann’s number. “I’d, um. Well, I’d love to meet up again soon! Lunch sounds lovely! It’s just, ah…”
‘I’d really like to just tell her…!’ Haru internally urged. Immediately, a powerful anxiety radiating from Makoto gripped her and made her freeze before Makoto’s thoughts could even form into words. It was a flurry of thoughts all at once, much faster than speech would be able to convey them. ‘This is ridiculous of me, I haven’t been hurt like she has, I don’t even have any real trauma, she’ll think I’m copying her to be more interesting, or to fit in better as her friend or something, she’ll think it’s fake…! It’s not even the same, she said she and Shiho don’t have all of the same memories? I don’t forget anything, or anything like that!’
Haru gripped her forehead lightly. Oh dear. Well, she’d set off an entire panic attack, and it was already crowding out her thoughts and making her dizzy. Makoto just kept spiraling. ‘This is ridiculous, I’m not like her, I’m just pretending, I’m faking, this is stupid, what am I doing?’
“Hey, hey, are you okay?” Ann crouched down next to Haru and took one of her hands. Haru hadn’t noticed she’d started hyperventilating until just now, and tried to get her breathing back under control. With a soft voice, Ann reassured her, “Hey, don’t worry about it, okay? It’s no big deal, you can say no if you need to.”
Having something outside her head to hold onto and focus on was nice. Haru took a deep breath, and just tried to tune everything out, tried to clear her mind.
“I-I…” Haru started, a bit shaky. “I really would love to meet up again, honest. I just… Can’t really give you any contact information, I’m sorry. Please don’t ask why.”
Ann looked into her eyes, and gave her a soft smile. “Hey, no worries. We’ll work something out! I’ll just have to try to run into you up here a little more often!”
‘We’re just digging this hole deeper, she’s going to hate me when she finds out,’ Makoto thought. Haru replied, ‘Please, just let me have this. Let me have one friend.’
“I’ll try to be here!” Haru said aloud. “But… I suppose for now we should both get going.”
Before she stood up, Ann asked, “You gonna be okay?”
Haru nodded, and Ann got to her feet with a more casual smile. “Then I won’t pester you too much. Take it easy, okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll do my best.” Haru’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, but she at least looked calm, again.
In the Student Council room, Makoto threw off the sweater and leaned back against a wall, shutting her eyes, taking a deep breath in and letting it out as a groan. Fantastic. Perfect. Wonderful. A double life full of lies with the Thieves, and now a second double life full of lies with her… stupid… coping mechanism.
Her coping mechanism which was currently guilt-tripping her. ‘Please don’t try to keep me from being happy… And please stop saying cruel things about me just because you’re self-deprecating!’
Makoto groaned again. Christ, now it felt like she was suddenly responsible for a whole other person’s well being. She never signed up for that, and she certainly had more than enough on her plate as it was.
Haru chimed in again. ‘You say that, but I do more to take care of you than you do for me.’
Makoto resisted the urge to hit the back of her head against the wall. ‘And if I lose my only friends because of you,’ Makoto replied, ‘You’ll be pretty goddamn far in the red, in terms of helping me vs. hurting me.’
‘Your friends are angels! And they didn’t abandon Shiho, they’ve been at her side all this time, through everything!’
‘Yeah, because Shiho has an excuse! Of course she deserves some patience! What do I have? Oh, I’m trying to do well in school, same as everyone else, and I can’t handle it? Boo hoo!’
‘Makoto… It’s a lot more than that, and you know it.’
‘No, it really isn’t. I should be able to handle this. I shouldn’t need a delusion like this, just to…’
‘If you keep calling me that, I’m going to tell Ann-chan you call her that.’
‘That’s different, you know that!’
‘It isn’t! It isn’t different, and they won’t see it as different!’ Haru shouted the thought forcefully enough to make their face tense in a frustrated expression.
Makoto rubbed her temples, tried to relax her face, and sat down at the table with a sigh. These arguments always moved quickly enough to make her head spin. Haru could hear her thoughts as she was thinking them, and she’d be firing back before Makoto had even put the thought into words.
She brought a hairbrush and small mirror out of her bag, staring a moment at the reflection of her poofed-out hair with a bit of a grimace. She brushed her hair down again, and tucked it under her headband, nice and neat. Then, she folded up the pink sweater and tucked it away.
Haru wasn’t quite so easy to put to rest, though, ‘I really think it’d be a lot easier for you if you just told Ann-chan what you’re going through. You saw how patient she was with me today, I don’t think she’s capable of judging people for this sort of thing… And then once it’s over with, no more lies and hiding, and you can relax around her again, and you won’t have to be scared when I talk to her, either.’
Makoto rubbed her temples again, and sighed deeply. ‘I…’ She considered things for a moment, and Haru could feel that she agreed, that not having to be afraid of being caught and found out would make everything a lot easier. ‘I might… Try to… Test the waters safely. See if there’s some sort of way I could… See how she’d react to the idea without telling her directly.’
‘Do you promise?’
‘I… I’ll… If I can find a way, I will.’
‘...Well, I suppose that’s all I can ask for.’
Haru was satisfied enough to relax and go quiet, and Makoto was able to pack up and start heading home without much issue.