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It started mostly when he was 7 and Dad had cut all his hair off, if he wanted to actually pinpoint it all down to finer details. He said it was because he kept catching it on everything, which was true, but sometimes he wondered if deep down his Dad knew he hated it.
Dean being the stinker of an 11 year old he was, also used to pull on it to try and annoy him and it usually ended in a yelling match sometimes followed by a backseat fistfight before Dad would stop the car and threaten them with his shotgun on the fly. It always worked.
He supposed he could have regrown it after a while, but somehow found himself automatically going to a hairdresser’s when it got too long, usually to his shoulders or nape of his neck, while his father and Dean were hustling some money and taking off when the person’s back was turned away. It felt better in Summer too, where the short hair would just fly through the musty air-con, unlike the thick braid that used to choke him on end for years.
He was always a tall kid, so thankfully he didn’t grow too much as he got older and neither did other parts of him, his chest quite flat without much “boobage” as Dean called it, because only really pretty girls had that kind of thing. Sam was pretty sure he was not a girl.
He doesn’t outright say that to anyone however, not even Dean. It feels wrong to say that he’s not a girl, but he knows he clearly isn't. He’s known for a real long time he isn’t and it makes him jealous to see other boys roughhousing and forming gangs and just being boys. Him and Dean never got to be normal, teenage boys. Ever. They never even got to be normal kids let alone teens and he was already weird enough for knowing how much he did.
He hopes that it wouldn’t, but it comes to a head soon enough. Dean’s not there for once and his Dad’s in a mood and he just snaps. All of his insides, his “demons” as it were if he was really joking and those things didn’t exist and were so much worse, come and leave him breathless and his father hostile, heart hammering in his chest. After a moment, he slowly back him up against the wall, his beer in hand and face near his and tells him if he /ever/ tells Dean about this, he’ll make sure he lives to regret it before he dismisses him cruelly, demanding he snap out of his head before he gets killed from it.
It doesn’t stop him fantasizing however about what could be, when he’s alone or riding in the backseat of the car on his own. How he pictures someone with his face, but not this body, a new one, a better one. One with muscles and strength and toughness, a deep voiced, hopeless romantic with a love of books and too-large heart.
It wasn’t the first time he’d seen this man, in fact he’d pictured him several times before, almost like an imaginary boyfriend. It was the first time he’d thought of him as himself now though and the more he thought, the more real he became and more conflict it caused. Eventually, he couldn’t do it anymore and the clincher is when he’s an “impulsive and determined little shit” according to Dean and he’s done with life as it was. He’s sick, so his father rages, but the way he’s convinced that he is, is completely wrong.
Sam is sick. He’s sick of being here. Sick of being this person that he hates and sick of the old man treating him like he’s the same scum of the earth that they hunt day after day. So he does the only thing he figures will show his father he means the words that he’s been spitting at him for the last few years. He calls his bluff. The day after the fight, Sam with his bag in hand is on a one way bus to California and Dean not John are none the wiser.
He doesn’t really realize that he’s free until he starts his T shots with Jessica’s help and changes his name, his papers now reading Samuel Winchester and no longer the sickly sweet name his mother gave him when he was born. It’s bittersweet as it is confronting.
He’s still recovering from top surgery, barely out of his bandages when Dean sees him again and he almost wants to smirk at the look of disbelief on Dean’s face seeing his now 6 foot figure tower over him, flat-chested and no longer the little girl that Dean knew.
He almost hopes Dean doesn’t believe it’s actually him and leaves him thinking the lead he had was the wrong one, but he’s not so lucky. He looks like Mom, despite the changes and he knows his older brother can see it no matter how long it’s been. They don’t talk about it, not until they’re on the road and Sam’s heart has been destroyed to the point of not working, but he knows what’s coming when Dean starts. “So…”
“So.” He forgets his voice is now deep, which has happened before and it not only startles him, but Dean as well, watching eachother out of the corners of their eyes and making them pause in awkward silence once more before Dean starts again. “So when did you...uh…?”
“As soon as I left and got my enrollment finalized. I thought he was kidding, kicking me out, but when you and him never called, I decided to make the most of it.” He doesn’t mean to make Dean feel more guilty, but he knows he does as Dean’s shoulder’s shift a little as he’s driving, hands clutching the steering wheel a little harder than before. “Right. Okay.”
There’s silence again and they pass a couple of road signs before anyone speaks again and this time, it’s Sam surprisingly. “My name’s still Sam, by the way. I didn’t change it to something like, weird or stupid, if that’s what you were thinking.”
“Figured, don’t think you could get any weirder Sammy.” He braces for the hurt he’s going to feel knowing Dean still calls him by that nickname, but it doesn’t come and he untenses quickly, but is still on guard for most of the time he’s with him those first few weeks.
Dean however, seems to have taken on everything quite quickly despite their upbringing, because it’s all too soon before he refers to Sam as his little brother and while his jokes make him bristle, he doesn’t care that badly. There’s more out there to worry about. Sam doesn’t know just what the future holds for them, if they’ll find John alive, if Dean is just playing along with him or if Dean really means what he’s saying, but he knows one thing.
He’s Dean’s little brother and always has been. No one will ever change that, normal or not.