Chapter Text
i.
Chan can’t sleep again.
Which, okay, isn’t particularly shocking. Anyone who knows Chan is aware that his circadian rhythm is less of a circle and more of a squiggly line. It is, of course, one of the fundamental components of Christopher Bang.
Another of the fundamental components, however, is his unwavering love (and by extension: concern) for each and every one of his members. Which is why his current situation is stressing him out the way it is.
The group had stumbled into the dorms at ass o’clock in the morning, fresh off a thirteen-hour flight from LA. And while the majority of them made a beeline for their bedrooms, that majority did not include Chan, who waved off raised eyebrows and exhausted protests with a simple “don’t worry, I’ll sleep soon, I promise.”
What he hadn’t expected as he settled down on the couch, however, was to be greeted by two large doe eyes, cocooned in a throw blanket and surrounded by a sea of freckles as they drooped with exhaustion.
“Felix,” Chan furrows his eyebrows, “go get some sleep, we have a schedule tomorrow.”
“Nooo,” Felix whines, burrowing himself further into Chan’s side in protest. “Not until you come too.”
Chan can only sigh. He shouldn’t be surprised of course -- Felix has been on a one-man mission to drag him to bed at a reasonable time for months now, and even if his efforts haven’t granted him much in the way of results, Felix is nothing if not determined.
And so Chan relents, letting Felix curl up against him as he scribbles down bits and pieces of lyrics. Some are disjointed, barely connected words with a vague meaning that would have to be expanded upon at a later time. Others are full-fledged versus -- rough drafted but usable for when he, Changbin, and Jisung are back in the studio.
Scanning over them, Chan can’t help but notice the word choice he used, catching “sunshine,” “starlight,” and “freckles” among the jumbled mix of Hangul and English. Blushing, he turns the page in the notebook with the firm decision that that section will be for his eyes alone.
After a few more moments of staring at a blank page and failing to force the mental image of sun-kissed freckled skin out of his mind, Chan lets his eyes wander over to where Felix sits, scrolling absentmindedly on his phone. Catching some of the headers of the article Felix appeared to be skimming; it appears to be a study on the psychology of soulmates.
Chan can’t say he’s surprised -- he knows Felix holds an ardent fascination for the concept, and the pair had discussed numerous times how they felt about the idea.
For Felix, the idea of meeting his soulmate was like a fairytale in real life -- someone who is destined to be with him, and if they were lucky, to spend the rest of their lives together. Though not a serial romantic, Felix made it more than clear that he couldn’t wait for his twentieth birthday -- it’s supposedly the time in which soulmates “connect,” or whatever that means.
All Chan knows is that his twentieth birthday came and went with no sign of a soulmate. Not that he cares much, his soulmate is likely younger than him, and he’ll just have to wait a few more years.
What is less likely was that he just doesn’t have a soulmate, plain and simple. This rings true for about five percent of the population, and a part of Chan kind of hopes that this is the case for him as well -- with how he so often buries himself in his work, any potential soulmate of his is far better off with someone who can actually take care of them in the first place. Chan can confidently say he’d rather be alone than disappoint his soulmate; it’s probably for the best.
He’s never talked about that last caveat -- especially not with Felix. He’s more than content to let the younger believe that Chan is just one of those people who doesn’t care much about soulmates; it’s easier for both of them. Felix doesn’t have to lose his rose-tinted glasses, and Chan can save himself from what would be an inevitably uncomfortable conversation.
From the corner of his eye, Chan can see Felix fighting to keep himself awake, eyelids fluttering shut before he pulls himself away from slipping into unconsciousness, and Chan can’t help but feel guilty, even if Felix is there by his own stubborn accord. Sighing quietly to himself, Chan closes his notebook and sets it on the end table next to him. He gently grabs Felix’s phone from his hand, and under the younger’s sleepily questioning gaze, decides to pick him up as well. Felix weighs about as much as a bag of wet sand, after all. Chan’s not exerting himself an awful lot.
Felix squeaks slightly, still wrapped in his blanket burrito as Chan carries him over to the bedroom they both share with Changbin.
Chan quickly realizes his fatal mistake once he reaches their beds. He glances at Felix’s bunk on the top, and back down to his on the bottom.
“Can you climb?” He asks quietly, not able to hide his little smile when Felix huffs, indignant, and shakes his head.
“Put me down on yours so we can go the hell to sleep .” He groans, a demand to which Chan can only obey, setting Felix down gently on his mattress while he strips his shirt off. He generally wouldn’t do so, but sleeping next to Felix is akin to sleeping next to a human-sized space heater, and Chan doesn’t fancy himself waking up in a puddle of sweat, so… sacrifices.
He manages to wriggle in next to the younger (who had at some point shed his blanket burrito in exchange for sliding under Chan’s sheets), and Felix immediately latches onto him, pressing up behind him and making a little contented noise.
Chan is one of the few members who lets Felix be the big spoon whenever they cuddle -- it’s obviously why Felix seems to prefer him to the other members these days. At least, that’s what Chan reasons with himself. It’s easier than thinking too much into it, so Chan lets himself have it just this once.
With Felix’s arms wrapped around his waist, Chan can quickly feel himself slipping into sleep — quicker than he ever would have had he slept alone. Felix’s even breaths fan out against the back of his neck, and the steady rhythm only fuels his descent into unconsciousness.
“Mmm, goodnight Chris,” Felix mumbles behind him, not quite asleep yet. “Thank you for this.”
Chan can’t help but let his curiosity pique at that comment, “For what?”
“Coming to bed with me, you deserve to get some rest,” Some of Felix’s words are slurred as he finally succumbs to sleep, but Chan hopes that he can hear his answer.
“Anything for you, sunshine.”
ii.
From the moment Chan woke up, he could tell something was wrong. Rolling out of bed, there seemed to be a weight pushing down on his chest that refused to leave him. It didn’t lessen like he hoped it would as he continued on with his day. If anything, it only got worse, consuming him more and more as he wore on.
Regardless of the breathing techniques recommended by Jisung, or even Changbin’s steady presence and reassurances, he found himself once again locked in his studio late at night, desperately trying to inspire himself to the point of distraction from the churning hole in his gut.
Thankfully the day had only consisted of individual vocal and language practices, which meant he could spend the majority of time in the studio. That was good. Maybe.
Jisung and Changbin had joined him at some point, but he sent them both back to the dorms hours ago (or had it been mere minutes? Chan didn’t know which one he hoped for more.)
After some time of staring blankly at the computer screen with blurred vision, he can only slump down into his chair, defeated. Tears prick his eyes, and the feeling is just so goddamn frustrating because why is he crying, nothing even happened, save for the steadily growing chasm in his chest, eating away at him from the inside. Everything is overwhelming and he just… doesn’t know what to do. Hence the tears.
This happens sometimes, and he’s more than aware that it’s not very healthy and he should probably talk to someone about it, but it’s never been like this. He feels like he can’t move, like the slightest anything will make him burst into tears because the hole in him is still growing and he doesn’t know what to do--
He can’t tell how long he sits there for, suffocating in his own skin before a gentle knocking sounds at the door, followed by a familiar, “Channie?”
Chan somehow manages to croak out a horse “come in,” and god, his voice sounds awful even to his own ears but he can’t quite bring himself to care when his exhausted gaze lands on Felix carefully sliding into the studio.
He looks worried as hell, and if Chan didn’t feel the way he does right now then he’d probably try to soothe that look away as fast as possible. But then again, he figures that he looks like shit and it’s warranted anyway, because that’s what it certainly feels like.
“Jisungie said you’ve been feeling anxious,” Felix frowns, and Chan can read the silent message beneath it -- but I didn’t realize it was this bad.
“Probably just a bad day,” Chan mumbles, but he can hear his voice shake. Deflect deflect deflect. It never works on Felix anyway. “I’ll be home soon, promise.”
“ Oh no you don’t,” Felix sighed, “we’re going home right now, you’re going to eat some food, and then you’re going to communicate your feelings to someone in a healthy manner . Me or anyone else, I don’t care who.” Chan blinks. It’s not often that Felix snaps at people -- only when he’s exceptionally stressed out or worried. Chan had hoped that he wasn’t the catalyst of it yet again, but his track record is stained, to say the least.
Felix only frowns, and Chan’s heart aches. “I’m sorry hyung, I know you don’t want someone to lecture you right now. You just… never talk about how you feel. And it worries me sometimes. A lot, actually. You know you can come to us, right? Bottling it up will only ever make it worse.”
Chan’s not sure when Felix had gotten close enough to gently wipe the tears away from his cheeks, nor when he started crying, for that matter. All he knows is that the feeling in his chest seems to subside when Felix holds him, so he lets the younger lead him from his chair to the studio couch where they lay down together, his head in Felix’s lap as he runs his fingers through Chan’s hair.
The tears have dried on his face, only leaving his cheeks with an uncomfortable salty residue that Felix quickly pats away with a tissue. It leaves only the two of them on the couch, with Chan possibly the most vulnerable Felix has seen him yet. He feels opened up, raw and on display. But in some strange, rattled corner of his mind he thinks it’s right for Felix to see him like this. It was bound to happen at some point, wasn’t it? He wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.
Felix, on the other hand, hasn’t stopped playing with Chan’s hair. When Chan zones back in, he realizes that Felix has started to quietly recite little anecdotes from his day -- how he cooked dinner with Minho that night, how Hyunjin has been working on yet another dance cover, any random anecdote he could remember that would make Chan smile, make him forget about how he felt, even if just for a little while.
Eventually, the rhythmic drag of Felix’s hand through his hair drags him down into a state of half-sleep, only vaguely registering Felix’s deep, soothing voice lulling him even deeper. He wants to tell the younger just how much he appreciates him and what he’s doing, but reality feels muffled from where Chan lies on the couch. Soupy, almost, and it drags him further away from consciousness the more he tries to resist it.
He can’t bring himself to worry about the ache in his back that will inevitably occur from sleeping on the studio couch, or any of the responsibilities that would plague him on any normal day.
All he knows is that Felix is here, with him, and that the hole in his chest doesn’t feel quite as overwhelming since the younger had cuddled up behind him. Almost as if the light that Felix consistently exudes was able to soften the anxiety, to dull its edges.
Whatever it is, Chan doesn’t give himself much time to dwell on it, as the claws of sleep reach for him once again.
iii.
The first thing that Chan registers when he wakes up is a smattering of freckles looking back at him. Though their owner is still fast asleep if his gentle, rhythmic breathing says anything. Even so, Chan can’t help but be mesmerized by the way sunbeams, distorted by the half-open window blinds, dance across Felix’s cheeks. They highlight all of him, from the slope of his button nose to his angular jawline, softened in the midst of sleep.
Chan casts a lazy glance at the alarm clock next to him. It reads 9:47 am, and on any regular day the both of them would be heinously late to any planned schedules. Thankfully, today is a rare off day in between comebacks. Though Chan would love to do nothing more than lay in bed and admire Felix’s features in the early morning sunlight, he’s also aware that it would be a good opportunity to get in a nice long producing session without the interruption of schedules.
As if being able to read his thoughts, Felix shifts in his sleep and slings an arm over Chan’s middle, as if demanding that he stay with him. Chan can’t help but smile goofily -- Felix is impossibly cute even when he’s not awake, which is very much not fair.
And although every one of Chan’s instincts is telling him to not leave this bed, he is nothing if not a man of self-discipline. Resolutely, Chan shifts to sit up and scoot off the bed (whilst trying to wake Felix in the process. Damn past Chan for sleeping next to the wall.)
Felix, clearly not as asleep as Chan had previously thought, lets out a slightly garbled whine and pulls Chan back down onto the bed.
“Don’t go,” He slurs, pouting because of course he is, he’s more than aware that Chan can’t fight him when he pouts.
“Felix--” Chan starts, but even he can hear the resignation in his voice, like the both of them have already accepted that he’s not going anywhere. It would probably hurt his pride, with how weak they know he both is, if Felix wasn’t looking at him with eyes that hold the galaxy. Realistically, he only hesitates for a moment or two before sighing and laying back down again.
Felix giggles and smiles his little gremlin smile before wrapping his arms back around Chan like they never even left.
“Go back to sleep,” He murmurs, “you deserve it,” Chan only shrugs minutely, not particularly tired anymore after having been awake for at least twenty minutes now.
“If you get out of this bed I’m putting you on cookie ban.” Felix mumbles into the pillow. Chan quickly nods, voicing his hurried apologies as he watches Felix slowly but surely fall asleep once again. Even if Chan doesn’t feel particularly sleepy anymore, he’s certainly content to watch Felix again. It’s definitely not creepy, he reasons with himself -- it stems purely from his desire as the leader to see all of the members well-rested and comfortable. Obviously.
It’s very much normal that Chan wants to wake up to this sight every day -- he just wants to know that Felix is safe. Chan wants to trace the freckles across his cheekbones purely to reassure Felix that they’re beautiful, not something to cover up and hide. Chan wants to kiss him silly when he sees him because… well...
It’s platonic. It’s a bro thing. Kissing the homies goodnight, y’know? Because Chan definitely does not like Felix in that way. That’s his group member, his “little brother,” and his closest confidant.
And who is he even kidding at this point? He definitely likes Felix in that way.
Which is… wow. Okay. Chan is definitely going to need to rethink his life choices but he can’t really do that when the object of his panic is quite literally sleeping on top of him.
And yet, he can figure that out later, can’t he? He has all the time in the world to figure out what he should or shouldn’t do. Right now, he’s going to enjoy himself, because he’s comfortable, the sun is shining, his bed feels as soft as feathers right now and he has an entire Lee Felix asleep right beside him. So yeah. He’s going to enjoy this moment while it lasts, and hell, maybe even get some more rest if whatever god is out there is feeling forgiving.
Nearly an hour later, Chan falls asleep with an arm slung over Felix’s waist, and a content smile on his lips.
iv.
“Thank you, Stays! Thank you baby Stays, I’ll see you all next time,” Chan beams. He’d just gotten off a call with Felix where the younger had informed him that he was making cookies again, and as much as he loves spending time with Stay, the temptation of Felix’s baking is simply too much for Chan’s weak heart to handle. He’s quick to end the Vlive after doing his signature peace sign and wink, packing up his laptop and equipment faster than he thinks he ever has before; save for the rare dorm emergency that would mostly happen when the youngest of them were home alone.
(Jisung managing to set kimchi on fire a few months back prompted his immediate and permanent ban from the stove, of course.)
The early September air is unusually chilly, but even so, Chan makes it back to the dorm in what could be record time. He’s pretty sure he wasn’t sprinting down the sidewalk, but maybe he was. His brain is mush from staring at a screen for twelve hours, he wants to see Felix, eat some cookies, and then promptly fall into a six-hour coma.
He opens the door of the dorm to see Felix’s surprised face pop out from behind the kitchen wall.
“Oh hey Chris, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” He observes, and Chan is only slightly offended at Felix’s underestimate of how far he would go for the younger’s baking.
“You think I’d miss out on warm cookies? How dare you.”
Felix only scoffs good-naturedly before heading back into the kitchen, with Chan hot on his heels.
“God, Lix, I know you said more than a hundred but I didn’t think you meant it,” Clearly he did -- multiple baking sheets covered in cookies lay cooling on the table, while a final one baked away in the oven. Felix smiles sheepishly.
“Yeah, they kind of got away from me. I’ll see if I can bring them to the filming tomorrow.”
“Did you make them all by hand?”
“Kind of had to,” Felix arches an eyebrow, “ someone broke my hand mixer.”
Decidedly ignoring Felix’s accusatory gaze, Chan grabs a cookie off of one of the cooler baking sheets, biting into it and immediately groaning at the taste.
“How are you so good at this, I could live off these…” Ninety percent of the compliments he gives towards Felix’s baking are absolutely true, completely deserved, the whole nine yards. The other ten percent is because he thinks that the blush Felix dons match the stars in his eyes in a way that Chan never wants to look away from. (He’ll take that one to his grave though. As will he with the rest of his similarly sappy, sticky sweet Felix Thoughts.)
(He’s aware that he’s more than gone for this boy. It doesn’t mean he has to accept it.)
Chan observes quietly as Felix takes the final batch out of the oven and places it on the stove, munching on another cookie. Yes, he’s aware this essentially nullifies his early morning workout. No, he does not care.
He does have one thing to talk to Felix about, though.
“So… all this baking. What’s wrong?” He asks. The way Felix freezes in front of him makes him wish he approached the subject with a bit more tact and subtlety, but it’s too late for that anyway. Chan is aware of Felix’s stress baking habit -- he’s said it calms him and helps to take his mind off of things. If this isn’t stress baking, Chan doesn't know what is.
Felix deflates in front of him, shoulders sagging with a weight that Chan hadn’t noticed before.
“I’m just…” Felix pauses, searching for the right words in his head as he so often does, “I’ve just been feeling so tired lately, and I don’t know why. I’ve been trying to get as much sleep as I can, but it’s so draining all the time. I feel like I’ve been dancing worse because of it.”
Now that Chan knows, he can practically see the exhaustion weighing down on Felix’s body. No wonder the younger is stressed -- Chan knows from first-hand experience that constant tiredness benefits nobody, least of all an idol. He wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
But poor Felix looks ready to drop after a day of practice coupled with his newfound weariness. And Chan doesn’t know what to do to help.
He doesn’t even know if he can.
“How about… we get cleaned up here and head off to bed. You always sleep better with someone else, right?” He can see the way Felix’s eyes light up once he realizes what Chan is implying, and Chan can’t help but feel a little warm inside. Feeling wanted is a nice feeling, he can say with certainty. Even if it’s not quite in the way he secretly hopes.
The pair of them clean up the kitchen together and sort the ridiculous amount of cookies into plastic containers. Chan subsequently learns that their kitchen is severely lacking in plastic containers, but… well. A few tragically squished and disfigured cookies won’t hurt anyone.
Chan sends Felix off to the bathroom to complete his twenty-minute skincare routine (but seriously – Chan is positive he could drop at least seven of those fifteen steps and still look absolutely fine. Felix refuses to hear it.)
Chan, on the other hand, attempts to sneak into their shared bedroom without waking Changbin. Sometimes Changbin sleeps like a rock, and sometimes he very much does not. Chan isn’t inclined to figure out which one it is today.
He strips off his jeans and hoodie as quietly as he can in the total darkness, only tripping into the bedpost once (a win!)
Felix, now cleansed and comfy, slips into the room shortly after Chan manages to get up into the bunk. Even in the dark, his eyes shine in a way that Chan will never tire of. He hopes it remains no matter how tired the younger is.
He climbs up beside Chan (much quieter and more graceful than Chan had, he would add) and slips into the space between him and the wall.
“Come here,” Felix’s voice is garbled by a yawn, but his grabby hands get the point across just fine. Chan rolls his eyes fondly and allows himself to be cuddled as Felix curls up behind him.
Blindly reaching out, Chan manages to find the younger’s hand resting limply near his thigh and grabs it. He gives it a little squeeze. I’m here. You’re safe. I love you.
Felix squeezes back, gentle and always so comforting.
Chan knows he won’t last long, staying awake, that is – he’d been having problems sleeping before, but with this newfound bone-deep exhaustion he’s surprised Felix hadn’t fallen asleep already, frankly.
Quickly enough, Chan can feel the vibrations of soft snoring against his neck. He’s not particularly tired – if anything he probably would have gone back to the studio if Felix didn’t need him. But he did, and Chan wouldn’t be moving for anything.
Sleep will come eventually; all that’s important is that Felix is here, resting, and safe.
v.
A week or so later, Chan stands in the middle of the dorm as chaos churns around him. Things are being tossed back and forth, people are running down the halls, and someone (probably Changbin) is screaming. He would never ask for a better group of kids to work with, but sometimes he just wishes they were a bit quieter. They’re just going to get dinner.
“Hyung!” Someone calls out to him, and Chan whips around to see a disheveled Hyunjin in the doorway. “Have you seen my jacket? The red one with the zipper? I think–” He doesn’t finish his sentence before his eyes lock on something over Chan’s shoulder and he darts off again.
When Chan finally blinks out of his surprised daze, he only catches a glimpse of Hyunjin chasing Jeongin into the younger’s bedroom before they disappear again. He’s already getting a headache and they haven’t even left the dorm yet.
Speaking of, they should probably get to the restaurant soon enough – it’s already going to be late when they get back, and absolutely none of them are morning people.
The company, satisfied with the success of their recent comeback, gave the group a week off to relax. The majority of the kids were taking that time to go back to see their families for a few days, and even Jeongin was going back up to Busan.
Predictably, Chan and Felix were to be the only two left in the dorm, with not enough time to go back to Australia to see their own families, video chats and text messages would have to suffice.
And obviously, it sucks. But for how long Chan has been in Korea and with how little he’s seen his family in person in that time, he’s very much used to it.
Now, nearly a week alone in the dorms with Felix? Chan doesn’t think he’ll ever be used to that. It shouldn’t be any different than every other day – they’ve lived together for years now. It won’t be weird. That is, assuming Chan won’t make it weird. Which he hopes he doesn’t. If he does something dumb in front of Felix he will simply never leave his room ever again.
(He’s aware that they share a room. He’ll figure that part out later.)
He’s knocked out of his reverie by another shout from somewhere down the hall, and he sighs.
“Be ready in ten minutes or we’re leaving you behind!” He calls. The dorm quiets for a moment before the sound of feet shuffling drowns out anything else. They know he wouldn’t actually leave any of them behind, but taking the risk of passing up food – specifically free food – is not a chance they’re willing to take.
Minho is the first one who emerges from the hallway in one piece, quickly followed by Seungmin, Felix, and Jeongin.
“What are the others doing?” He asks, to which Minho sighs.
“Changbin’s convinced that Jisung stole the sweater he wanted to wear.” Chan glances at the mysteriously oversized sweater draped across Jeongin’s frame. The younger only smiles at him, in a way that isn’t particularly reassuring, but Chan drops it anyway.
The rest eventually manage to make it out of their bedrooms, albeit not without some… gentle persuasion from Minho.
Chan does a swift headcount before corralling the rest of the group out the door. The restaurant is only a few blocks away, but that doesn’t mean they’ll get there any faster than they would have had they drove to one an hour away.
Thankfully, it doesn’t take an awfully long time for them to reach the restaurant, despite Changbin almost getting hit by a car. Twice.
Soon enough they’re sitting at their table, making enough noise to rival a small herd of elephants, but Chan can’t quite bring himself to quiet them (even though he probably should, he can let the managers deal with that. Just for tonight.)
Not only is the dinner so the group can be together before they separate for a week, but it’s also a joint birthday dinner for Jisung and Felix. Jisung had gotten the majority of his gifts earlier in the day, but Felix had yet to receive his (as they were back at the dorm). They’d also be getting a joint cake – a fact that they both seemed disproportionately excited for, according to Minho.
Multiple members had expressed concern over the fact that Felix would be spending the majority of his birthday in an almost empty dorm, but Felix had only shaken his head and smiled.
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be with Channie-hyung! You guys should go see your families, you deserve it.”
There had of course been objections, but Felix was firm in his decision. Chan couldn’t help but feel warmed by the fact that Felix thought his company alone was good enough for his birthday.
Time always seems to fly by when Chan spends leisure time with all of the members, and today is no different. He feels like he’s barely even blinked and the youngest members are already surrounding Felix, excitedly counting down the minutes until midnight. Chan can only sit back and watch and Felix laughs loudly, eyes sparkling and surrounded by the people he loves.
Chan doesn’t even care that he’s blatantly staring at this point, pointedly ignoring Minho kicking him in the shin under the table. He can have one moment, right?
He’s half zoned out when the maknaes start counting down from ten, and it takes him a moment to figure out what they’re doing it for.
“Five!”
Even under the not-so-complimentary lights of the restaurant, Felix’s freckles stand out like stars. Chan hopes he can trace them across his cheeks for years to come.
“Four!”
Chan thinks it’s kind of ridiculous, how in love he can be with someone’s eyes. He would berate himself over it if it were anyone but Felix.
“Three!”
But he can’t. It’s always been him.
“Two!”
Felix meets his eyes from across the table. He smiles, eyes crinkling into crescents in the way that only happens when he’s happy happy.
“One!”
Oh.
“ Happy birthday! ”
In a split second, Chan nearly gets the wind knocked out of him with how sudden the feeling is. He doesn’t even think he can describe it with words, it’s as if someone had tied a string into the center of him, and pulled it. Pulled it straight towards Felix.
There’s only one word he can use to describe it – soulmate.
Glancing across the table, it’s clear that Felix is going through the same crisis as him. Which is mildly comforting, that he’s not alone, but it also fills him with such intense anxiety he thinks he might just throw up.
There’s no way Felix would want him – a workaholic who can’t even take care of himself, let alone a significant other. Chan is just… going to have to face it.
But that’s a talk for later, and they both seem to come to that conclusion at the same time as a few members start to ask why they both zoned out so hard. Thankfully, their weak excuses are quickly drowned out by Jisung’s demand of cake.
Felix meets his eyes again and somehow manages to convey the message of “we’ll talk later” into a single look. Chan swallows nervously, and kind of hopes that “later” never comes.
—
Unfortunately for him, “later” comes much quicker than he had hoped for.
Felix hadn’t even given him a chance to run. The second they got back into the dorms, Felix had grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into their shared bedroom with Changbin.
“Be right back!” He had yelled. Chan hoped he would make the rejection quick.
But the rejection wasn’t quick – in fact, it wasn’t anything at all. Felix had sat him down on the bunk and stared at him for an unnerving amount of time, and Chan’s brain was going haywire.
Felix eventually furrows his eyebrows and sits down next to him.
“Stop thinking so loud, you’re gonna wake the neighbors.”
And okay, what the fuck is Chan supposed to say to that? Sorry, I can tell my soulmate is about to reject me and I’m just trying to steel myself for the crippling embarrassment. Frankly, he feels pathetic. He just lets out a weak little laugh instead.
“So, soulmates huh?”
“I’m sorry.” It’s the first thing that comes to Chan’s mind, and he really just wants to get it off his chest. Maybe Felix will feel better about rejecting him if he’s aware that Chan knows it’s coming.
“What?”
Chan can feel the younger’s gaze boring into the side of his head, but he still doesn’t meet Felix’s eyes. Yeah, maybe he’s a coward. Sue him.
“I know I’m not really… a good soulmate? I’m sorry, and I get if you just wanna like, ignore it. Or something.” How eloquent, Chan. Felix pauses, seemingly thinking through his response, and Chan’s going slightly lightheaded with how long he’s been holding his breath for.
“What are you talking about, Chris? Of course you’re a good soulmate. You’re perfect.”
What. Chan finally meets Felix’s eyes just to make sure that the younger isn’t joking, or lying, but it’s Felix. Felix wouldn’t do that to him, and in his eyes lay more sincerity than Chan thinks he’s ever seen in his life. He kind of wants to burst into tears.
Felix continues in light of his shocked silence, “Y’know, when I first joined the company all those years ago I didn’t even realize it. I always thought ‘I hope my soulmate is just like Channie-hyung.’ It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that I just wanted my soulmate to be Channie-hyung . I wanted them to be you.”
By the power of some god or another Chan finally manages to piece together thoughts in his head, but the most coherent of them is still a string of what. Pardon. Huh.
“I…do you really like me? Like that?”
Felix only stares at him, disbelieving like he’s hearing something utterly ridiculous. Silently, he leans his head back on the wall behind him and closes his eyes.
“Lix…?”
The younger runs a hand over his face, blinks a few more times.
“You are just about as observant as a fucking brick wall,” Felix sighs, and Chan is just bewildered .
“I’ve liked you for years, ” Felix explains, seemingly unable to choose between endeared and exasperated. “I thought you knew and just didn’t want to “jeopardize the group” or some noble shit.”
“That sounds like me,” Chan acquiesces, and Felix hums poutily.
There’s a lull in the conversation before Felix clears his throat a little, “Not to sound like a conceited asshole but based on your reaction I’m gonna assume you like me too, or…?”
“Fuck, of course I do, Lix. For so long. I’m just really… I’m not very good at this… clearly.”
Felix giggles and leans over. Chan only truly processes the feel of Felix’s lips on his cheek after they’re gone, and that alone is enough to make him short circuit.
“Let’s get back to the guys,” Felix says, grabbing Chan’s hand to haul him off the bed like he totally didn’t just break the poor man. “There are presents to be opened!”
Chan can only sigh fondly as Felix drags him out of their bedroom. He knows they still have things to sort out, and it might be a bumpy ride. And yet, he doesn’t really care.
As long as he has Felix with him, “later” can come as soon as it wants.