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Jake thought, if there was something Sunghoon absolutely hated, it was having to repeat himself over and over again.
That was absolutely the case way back when they were out filming his first-ever music video, which was also directed by the younger. He still remembers how Sunghoon lost his composure as he kept on failing to follow his instructions, no matter the attempt at making them sound easier for him. And whenever he reminisces about how his boyfriend got too impatient that he decided to play the role of Jake’s partner then, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. Since Sunghoon was quite the calm and collected type, it almost always comes as a surprise when such scenarios happen.
But as much as Jake held the said memory so dearly, he also feared the fact so much when it came to some circumstances in particular.
Just like this one.
While Sunghoon was currently occupied with refilling their bowl of popcorn in the kitchen—having the whole evening to themselves, they spontaneously decided on a movie night—he took the opportunity to sneak a peek at the latest news about himself. Like always (and at this point, actually unsurprisingly), what came with the favorable and constructive remarks were the far more demeaning ones. Along the lines of just one of those Park Sunghoon-directed movies currently playing, the comments read:
— god, im tired of seeing his face in the timeline
— i hate his nose
— idk if it's just me but he's kinda pretty and ugly at the same time??
— IDIOT!!!
— he’s annoying asf
— go fuck urself
— dunno him but h8 his face sm
— show-off, he's making shit up to get ppl to pity him. pathetic
As obnoxious as the inharmonious inconsistency of the individual typings was the underlying harshness that the comments delivered. No sooner had he logged into his dummy account did Jake shut his phone off before he could even let himself read more. And good timing because right at that moment, Sunghoon entered the room, a bowl almost overflowing with popcorn securely held in his hands.
“Took a bit longer.” He sat on the couch with an exhale then set the bowl on the throw pillow over Jake’s lap. Lazily, he brought his arm up to grab a handful of the snack. “What did I miss?”
Stuck in a daze, Jake almost forgot to reply. “Ah,” he started, sitting up properly, “Me. You missed me.”
Sunghoon raised a brow and smirked. “Correct, I did,” he said before devouring the entirety of the popcorn in his hand. At the sight of the other’s adorable stuffed cheeks, Jake couldn’t resist the hand that came up to poke them playfully. He chuckled.
“This is your movie, you already know what’s gonna happen.”
“That’s correct again.” The younger sent a dimpled smile back at him, but then shook his head in incredulity. “But you do too. To be honest, I’ll never understand why you can’t let this one go when it’s probably already this predictable.”
And there it was. At Sunghoon’s words, Jake was instantly reminded of his earlier distress, giving rise to an uneasy feeling building up in his stomach.
Thinking about it, being bullied like this might as well be predictable for him, considering how often he experienced it. Being an idol for how long, he would already know that he couldn’t please everyone no matter how he tried, and that should be normal, that should be okay. But for some reason, he just couldn’t ever learn how to not let the negativity affect him so much like this.
Which is exactly the cause of his current inner turmoil, because knowing Sunghoon, he definitely wouldn’t miss the hurt in Jake’s eyes that he desperately tries to hide every time. He thinks vaguely of the clothes thrown in their washing machine earlier in the day as he realized he was only going around in circles as well. Something Sunghoon would not at all be happy about, for it only meant he would have to console Jake again after doing so a million times before.
And did Jake mention that Sunghoon hated having to repeat himself over and over again?
For all he knew, Sunghoon could only be pretending not to notice right now just so he didn’t have to speak about it again. Or he could only be waiting for Jake to mention it first whenever he felt ready, ever being the considerate boyfriend that he was. Or maybe, he just really didn’t notice.
Still, neither made it easier for Jake to bring it up, so he decided not to talk about it instead. But Sunghoon seemed to have other plans because as if he heard Jake’s thoughts, he sat up and tore his gaze from the television in favor of looking at him.
After moving the bowl from Jake’s lap to the coffee table, Sunghoon took Jake’s hand in his and gently caressed it with his thumb.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said. Scared, Jake let out a shaky sigh as a tear fell down his cheek.
“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, love, we don’t have to talk about it,” he replied, managing a wobbly smile.
Sunghoon leaned forward to wipe his tears away with his thumb. “If it’s affecting you like this, we clearly do.”
“No, I promise it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
For a moment, Sunghoon didn’t reply. He regarded him silently with a look of concern then leaned closer once more to place a soft kiss on Jake’s forehead.
And perhaps it was the sheer tenderness of the gesture that Jake, unable to control his emotions anymore, finally broke down to tears.
He buried his face on Sunghoon’s shoulder and there cried for a while. All throughout, Sunghoon didn’t speak, leaving out only the sounds of Jake’s sobbing and the dialogues from the now-forgotten movie playing in the background. As he cried, Jake sensed the taller’s gentle hand switching between stroking his back and brushing through his hair and he could’ve sworn that nothing ever felt as comforting as it did.
When his sobs had subsided into sniffles, he felt another kiss placed on the side of his head. Finally regaining his confidence, Jake tugged on the sleeve of Sunghoon’s sweater to call his attention.
“Don’t be mad, alright?” he said, registering the affirmative nod from the younger before he continued. “It’s just those comments again. Like I said, it’s nothing really, just not a lucky day for me, I guess.”
He already expected the automatic furrowing of Sunghoon’s brows and the pursing of his lips, indicating the younger’s annoyance. But that didn’t mean he was ever prepared for it, so before Sunghoon could even reply, Jake beat him to it.
“I told you so, it’s not important. I get it, you're probably annoyed because I'm letting them get to me again, even when you told me not to. Please don't be angry, let's just forget it, please.”
“Jake, love,” Sunghoon said with a start. This time, he took both of the older's hands and massaged them as he spoke. “Did you honestly think I was angry with you? Because of this?”
“Well, yeah.” Jake avoided his gaze. “I mean you always are, whenever I tell you about it.”
“No, I'm sorry.” Sunghoon gently pulled him closer so that he was halfway on his lap and pecked both of his cheeks. “I'm sorry for making you think that way, but I promise, it was never that way at all.”
“How so?”
“I'm not angry that you feel this way, I never was. I'm only angry that you have to feel this way.”
Oh.
Sunghoon continued, “I bet they don't even know you've been crying and are probably still running around with sticks up their asses.”
That was the first time he made the most sense about Sunghoon’s negative reactions, which only made his heart swell. “Hoon, come on, it's okay. I'm an idol, love, it happens.”
“But it doesn't have to!” Sunghoon exclaimed, surprising the both of them and giving way for a short meaningful silence. “I have to make a film about this. I'll make it happen. There has to be one,” he spoke animatedly, almost only to himself.
“Love,” Jake called out, his hand stroking the side of the taller’s bicep. “Calm down.”
Shook from his thoughts, Sunghoon let his head drop onto one of Jake's shoulders, then wrapped his arms around his middle and held him tightly.
“I'm sorry. It's just so tiring that this has to happen over and over again.”
“I know.” Jake softly leaned his head beside Sunghoon’s, eliciting a sigh of comfort from the other.
“It's so frustrating to know that while I see you as the most beautiful, they're all hating on you for no good reason.”
“Yeah, but” —Jake pulled away to look at his boyfriend properly, putting his hands under his jaw— “They could be right. I'm not perfect after all, there'll always be something ugly about me.”
“Which is something they could tell you respectfully. There's still not any reason for them to bully you like this.”
For the nth time that night, Jake found himself letting out another heavy exhale. Sunghoon was right; they both knew he was.
Out of his abrupt speechlessness, Jake snuggled into the crook of Sunghoon’s neck instead. He basked in the scent of the younger's skin and the comfort of his embrace for a while before he finally decided to reply.
“One thing I'll never understand is how you still keep up with me. I'd have given up on myself too.”
“I don't know.” Sunghoon kissed the top of his head. “Maybe I just really love your pretty and your ugly, and everything in between, because they’re all you.”
At the flirty undertone of the uttered statement, Jake couldn't resist the giggle that bubbled in his throat. He looked back up so he could playfully slap the younger's cheeks. “Now you're just being sappy.”
Sunghoon cackled in return, but then pouted in exaggeration. “I'm not. That's the truth.”
“I know.” Jake sent him his most genuine smile. “I'm actually starting to believe that you love me more than I do myself.”
He felt the younger's thumb run along his lower lip gently. “I'd be more than happy to do that, that is, if I still haven't.”
It probably goes without saying that that, Jake also already knew. They settled into yet another silence and eventually, turned back into the television screen, the film dialogues accompanying Jake's thoughts of yearning to see himself from his lover’s point of view.