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Shawn hates the city. All cities, really. He thought he could come here and reinvent himself. That's what people do in L.A, right? But the city smells and the buildings are too big and everyone is phoney. Even the beaches here are weird. They’re always packed with sunbathers and surfers. He misses home. For the first time in a long time, he misses home. What he wouldn't give to be on his beach again.
But he's not at home. He burnt that bridge a while ago and he can't go back now. At least, not for a little while longer.
So he's here. At a random bar in a random hotel with maybe $50 to his name and nowhere to stay the night. It sounds like a great way to start an evening, and in theory it is. Except there's only one person who could turn this night around and he's not here.
No. I’m not going to think about Gus. Not here. Not now.
But he can’t help it. The last time he was in a similar situation was just south of the Mexican border. He had taken Gus as a surprise for his first spring break. It was one of the best trips of Shawn’s life. They each talked a big game about how many sexy young people they’d bed, but they ended up spending the whole trip by themselves, talking and laughing and reminiscing. But like most vacations, it soon came to an end. Gus went back to college, and Shawn went back to life on the road. It was another year and a half before they saw each other again.
Shawn shakes his head and takes another sip. The bar is suddenly too stuffy and overcrowded.
There’s many good looking people here, men and women, who can help you to forget about him. Just drink your drink and smile and try not to think about-
"Burton Guster!"
He turns so quickly that he almost falls off his stool. No way. It’s a joke. He misheard. Because Gus is far away, and not here in this crappy hotel bar.
Except he is. And he's looking good. There, in the back corner, wearing a dark red shirt and a black trousers and a winning smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes and god damn it if Shawn’s heart doesn't skip a beat. Because it's him. It’s really him. His best friend, except they seen each other in years. His only confidant, except they haven't talked in months. His first and only love, except he never actually told him how he felt.
Gus looks up and Shawn tries to look back to the bar but he knows it's too late. He feels Gus’s eyes bore into his back and he wishes to god he'd picked a better outfit for tonight.
He checks his breath and curses himself. This is Gus. Don’t be an idiot.
“Shawn?”
“Gus! Hey buddy.”
“Long time no see.”
Gus comes over and Shawn tries to play it cool. He stands up and turns around and suddenly Gus is right there, smiling at him, and he gulps.
Gus opens his arms wide and Shawn wants to fall into them, but instead he hugs him back and gives him a couple of slaps on the back. You know, how guys do.
Gus returns the favour and they pull part.
“I haven’t seen you in years” Gus says. Gus looks him up and down and Shawn can’t help but blush.
“Yeah, well you know…”
“Hey Guster-man!” An obnoxious looking blonde saunters over and Shawn wants to punch him in the face. “Who’s your friend?”
“Oh yeah right, sorry.” Gus sniffs and takes a step back. “Clive, this is Shawn. My best friend since high school.”
Clive. What a name. Clive. Clive sticks out his hand and Shawn shakes it. Hard. Clive doesn’t seem to notice.
“So Shawn, what are you doing round these parts?” Clive asks when the handshake ends.
“I’m in accounts.” Shawn answers, pointedly not looking at Gus who is looking at him like he’s insane.
“Ah… accounts.” Clive nods. “Well Guster here was just helping me to smooth talk some potential clients.” Clive throws his arm around Gus in a way that is too familiar for Shawn’s living. Gus’s too, apparently, because he laughs and tries to shrug him off.
“A salesman’s job is never done.” Gus says.
“Right.” Clive says.
The moment extends far too long for Shawn’s liking, but thankfully Clive is called away.
“I should really get going.” Gus nods after him.
“Right.” Shawn nods. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. He has no idea where to start.
“Will you be here long or…” Gus looks around the room.
“I’m in town for a bit, yeah.”
“No, I mean ‘here’ here. Coz this could go on for a while but…” Gus takes a breath and looks at Shawn dead in the eyes. “I’d love to catch up,”
Shawn can only nod.
“Excellent.” Gus nods in return, then quickly runs off after Clive.
Shawn isn’t sure how long he’s staring after him, but he eventually gets the feeling back in his legs long to enough to sit back down on his stool and down the remainder of this drink. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Why is it this complicated?
;;;
Gus hates the city. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word. The people here are nice enough. The food is tasty enough. And the climate is warm enough. With all of these enoughs you’d think that his life would be, well… enough. Except it’s not. It’s not enough. He wants more.
He knows what he wants. He’s been trying to hide it for some time now, ever since he was 16 if he’s being honest with himself. He knows what he wants in life. The one man who was more than enough. Because Shawn Spencer was more. More fun. More excitement. More passion. More everything.
But Shawn left. After high school he took off on his bike without so much as a backwards glance. Off into the great unknown. Leaving Gus behind in the dust with nothing but a broken heart and a lifetime of memories.
He tried to forget Shawn. He tried to reinvent himself at college. Find new friends, make new memories. But god help him if everything didn’t somehow come back to Shawn. Every new experience, he wanted to call his best friend and tell him all about it. Every new person he met or place he want, he always had this niggling sensation that he would be having more fun if Shawn were there.
Even their brief moments together when Shawn would come back into town and whisk him away were brighter than anything else in Gus’s life. And then Shawn would leave again, and Gus would be left to pick up the pieces of his broken heart, wondering what he did wrong.
He thought this trip would be different. He’s new to the company, just a ride along intern, and yet they’ve allowed him to come on their annual conference to L.A. L.A! City of angels. Filled with movie stars and models. The perfect opportunity to get in good with the bosses and maybe get some fun on the side.
So what’s the first thing he does? He finds one of those ‘maps to movie stars' homes’.
“This is bogus.” He said. “They don’t even have Val Kilmer on here”
“Who?” Clive had asked.
And that was it. Suddenly, nothing seemed like fun anymore. He followed his team along to the conferences, trying to pay attention while on the inside he as floundering.
At least this bar is nice. They put him up at one of the nicer hotels in the city, and he’s trying to calculate how long he needs to be here before he can go back to his room to devour the Snickers in the mini bar. He must have zoned out of it, because someone from across the room is calling his name.
He looks up, trying see who it was, when he sees a ghost.
Shawn Spencer. Right there. Their eyes meet and Gus feels like he’s in some sort of Hollywood romance because suddenly his feet are moving of their own volition and he’s pushing through the crowd, hurrying towards the bar in case Shawn disappears again.
But he’s there. Like something out of a dream or a wish, Shawn Spencer is sitting in front of him.
And damn if he doesn’t look good. He’s looking older, of course, it’s been a couple of years since they last saw each other, and he’s looking too thin for Gus’s liking, but he’s looking good. He’s wearing black jeans and a dark blue button up, and his hair is perfectly coiffed.
“Shawn?” He asks. He still can’t believe it’s him.
Shawn turns in his seat and smiles and Gus can’t help smile in return.
“Gus! Hey buddy.”
He’s right behind him and too far away. “Long time no see” he says. ‘Long time no see’? Really?
Shawn stands up and Gus reaches out and hugs the man like he’s his lifeline. He worries for a second if he’s made the wrong choice, but he relaxes when Shawn hugs him back. God he smells good.
And then Shawn pats him on the back and he gulps. Yeah, of course. They’re friends. That’s how friends hug. He mimics the gesture and slowly releases him.
“I haven’t seen you in years.” Gus says. Now that Shawn is standing Gus can see that his shirt is a little too big and those pants are a little too tight in all the right places.
“Yeah, well you know…”
Gus’s mind bursts with questions. Where have you been? Why are you here? How are you here? He’s about to ask them all at once when Clive interrupts them.
Of course it’s Clive. Clive looks like the bad guy in some 80s teen movie- blonde hair slicked and a shit eating grin. Gus wants to punch him in the face.
He’s too distracted when he realises there’s a brief lull.
“Oh yeah right, sorry.” He sniffs and takes a step back. “Clive, this is Shawn. My… best friend since high school.”
It’s the simplest way of introducing Shawn. The most honest, in a sense. Of course, the other way would be ‘this is Shawn, the one that got away’. Only Gus isn’t sure if Shawn ever really ‘got away’ but he was too chicken to go after him in the first place.
But Clive is still talking and Gus tries to pay attention.
“I’m in accounts” Shawn is saying.
What? Accounts? No. it can’t be. Accounts is so… not Shawn that he can’t even fathom it.
Clive makes small talk and wraps his arm over Gus’s shoulder. He tries not to wince too openly, but he can see that Shawn is staring at Clive like he took the man's last candy bar.
Not soon enough, Clive is called away and it’s just the two of them.
“I should really get going.” Gus says, trying it play it cool.
“Right.” Shawn nods.
He opens his mouth and Gus’s heart stops. Please say more. Say something. But instead, Shawn closes his mouth.
“Will you be here long or…?” Gus looks around the place.
“I’m in town for a bit, yeah.”
“No, I mean ‘here’ here. Coz this could go on for a while but…” fortune favours the bold, as the saying goes. Gus looks at Shawn in the eyes. “I’d love to catch up,”
Shawn nods.
“Excellent.” Gus nods in return. He turns and leaves before changing his mind.
;;;
Shawn orders another drink and considers ordering a third, but for the lack of funds in his wallet. He also doesn’t want to be too drunk for this. Whatever this is. He tries to be subtle, but he ends up spending most of his time with his back to the bar, eyes scanning the crowd for a hint of red.
Gus is the life of the party, flittering about from person to person. Smiling, laughing. But every now and then his eyes will turn back to the bar and find Shawn. When no one is looking, Gus will raise his eyebrows in a ‘can you believe this guy?’ type look that has Shawn giggling. He plays along, rolling his eyes at people he thinks are boring or simply just sticking his tongue out. At first Gus shows no signs of acknowledgement, but as one conversation ends and he moves across the room, he sends a wink in Shawn’s direction.
A wink that nearly sends him choking on his beer. A wink? What the hell is that? These games, he understands. This funny back and forth, try to make Gus laugh in front of serious people, they’ve done it all their life. The wink was new.
The wink made his mouth go dry and butterflies appear in his stomach. It made him want more. To test the waters.
The next time Gus looks his way, Shawn winks back, then licks his lips. Just quickly, like he was trying to moisten them. It has the desired effect though. Gus stops in his tracks and stares at him for a moment. Shawn smirks.
Then the moment is gone, and Gus is back circling the room.
Suck it. Shawn leans back against the bar sips his drink. I win this round, Gus.
He loses Gus for a moment, then finds him in the back corner holding a beer. He looks Shawn up and down, slowly. When he reaches Shawn’s eyes he lifts the bottle to his lips and takes a sip. Then, without breaking eye contact, the licks the rim of the bottle.
Shawn’s mouth grows dry and pants start to tighten. He can’t look away, he doesn’t want to.
Then Gus gives him a slight wink and smirk, and Shawn lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. Son of a…the game had definitely changed now. He chuckles and smiles back at Gus, who looks pretty pleased with himself. Pretty cocky.
The crowd starts to die out and Gus shakes his hands with the remaining few before heading over to the bar. But he looks up every now and then, and Shawn is looking back, something sparkling in his eyes.
;;;
“So.” Gus says as he slides onto the stool next to Shawn. “You’re an accountant?”
Shawn chokes on his beer. “What? No. dude. Eww.”
“But that’s what you told Clive?”
Shawn shakes his head. “No. I said I was ‘in accounts’. There’s a difference.”
“Which is?”
“One is an outright lie, and the other is… also kind of a lie, but not as outright.”
Gus stares at him, then laughs. “Man. I knew you couldn’t be an accountant.”
“I could be an accountant.” Shawn says, feigning offence.
“Come on son. No way. You’re terrible at maths.”
“Well, yeah, okay. That’s true.” He laughs.
This. This feels so much better. Almost like old times, the two of them just laughing and talking.
“So what are you doing for work then?” Gus asks.
Shawn groans. “I’m… in between employment at present. Awaiting opportunity. What about you? That douchebag with the hair said something about sales?”
Gus laughs again. “Clive? Oh man, he is a douchebag. He’s like some villain out of—”
“Out of an 80s movie!” they say at the same time.
“Right?” Gus nods. “It’s crazy. But I’m a pharmaceutical salesman.” He sits up straight and mines straightening a tie.
Shawn slumps his head with an over-exaggerated snore. “Wah? Oh sorry. I fell asleep halfway through that.”
Gus knocks his arm. “Man, come on.”
“That sounds so boring Gus.” Shawn throws his hands in the air.
“It’s… not bad.” Gus avoids his eyes. “It’s got great benefits. If I play my cards right, I’ll get my own company car.”
“But don’t you want to do something else? Something, exciting?” His eyes shine with mischief.
Gus smiles along with him. “It pays the bills.”
Shawn looks down at their arms, still touching. He looks back up at Gus.
“The office is back home. I’m just here on a conference.” Gus says.
Home. Shawn tries not to bristle at that. Nowhere has felt like home in a long time.
“They’re putting you up here?” He asks.
Gus nods. His eyes flick down to Shawn’s lips. “Got my own room.”
Shawn tries to remember to breath. “Mini bar privileges?”
Gus snorts. “You know that’s right.”
Shawn nods.
“So what are you doing here Shawn?” Gus asks.
It’s a loaded questions. I’m sharing a drink with a long lost friend. I’m trying to determine if I’m being flirted with. I’m trying to determine if I’m flirting back.
Instead, he goes with, “just seeing what’s here.”
Gus looks like he knows that’s not the truth, but he doesn’t pry.
“Well, I haven’t seen much of the city. I’ve been in conferences all day today.”
“With ‘Clive’” Shawn says saying the name with an over the top British accent.
Gus laughs. “Yeah, but thankfully we didn’t talk much.”
“Really? Seems like he’d love to share his plan on how he’s going to sabotage the underdogs and win this years big ski tournament.”
Gus laughs again, and he bumps him again. “No, no, he wants to talk about how he and his friends are going to beat those out of towners and the surfing competition.”
Shawn laughs. He lowers his head, then looks back at Gus. The air has shifted and he has the sudden urge to move closer to Gus to see what he’d do.
He licks his lips. Gus parts his own. Shawn can’t breath. Or he’s breathing too much. He’s not sure. He feels dizzy and alive and scared all at the same time. Because he’s pretty sure he’s going to kiss Gus. Finally. After all these years.
But instead, Gus clears his throat and moves back a bit.
“My, uh, my mini bar…” he starts and clears his throat again.
“Yeah?” Shawn asks.
“I’ve, um, got full size Snickers bars.” Gus gulps.
Shawn can’t help the smile that appears on his face. “Gus, are you asking me to come back to your hotel room for a… bite of your Snickers bar?”
A rush of emotions that pass on Gus’s face, and Shawn laughs.
“Well, I, um…”
“Gus.” Shawn places a hand on his friends arm. He gives it an experimental squeeze. It feels good.
“I’d love to come up to your room.”
;;;
Gus tries to keep his breathing slow and steady as he pays their bar tab and walks Shawn towards the elevator. Maybe he’s being paranoid, but he feels as though everyone is staring at them. Judging them.
This isn’t just some guy in a bar he wants to shout. This is Shawn. My Shawn.
Shawn isn’t making it easy. He winks at the bar tender as they leave, and he slaps Gus’s ass as they enter the lift. But once the two of them are inside, he takes a closer look at his friend. Shawn has his hands in his pockets and he’s bouncing on the tips of his toes.
It feels like they’re moving so fast, yet not nearly fast enough. He doesn’t want to think about how many times he’d imagined this exact scenario, taking Shawn up to his room where they could be alone.
And yet they only just reconnected.
“Do these things actually work? The phones, I mean?” he reaches out to pick the bright red phone off its hook, but Gus stops him.
“Don’t be playing with that.”
Shawn retracts his hand but keeps bouncing.
He’s nervous.
With that realisation, Gus starts to calm down. Good. He’s not the only one.
Shawn looks over at him and smiles. It’s one of his big, goofy, ‘trust me’ smiles that melts Gus’s heart. Gus rolls his eyes but smiles back.
The elevator chime’s loudly in the enclosed space, and soon they’re walking towards Gus’s room. He pulls the key out of his pocket and stares at it.
Maybe this will be like all the other times.
Maybe he and Shawn will have another drink and share some chocolate, then they’ll each fall asleep on separate sides of the bed and in the morning Shawn will make some comment about having somewhere to be and that’ll be that. And maybe they’ll see each other again in eight years and by then Gus will have finally gotten over his best friend.
But then Shawn is behind him, in his personal space, breathing so close that Gus can feel it on his neck. His mouth goes dry. Shawn places his hand gently on his lower back and Gus fumbles with the key card, almost dropping it.
“You’ve gotta put it in nice and slow, Gus.” Shawn whispers.
“I know what I’m doing, Shawn.” He tries to snap back, but his voice quivers.
Shawn chuckles. “I’m sure you do.”
Gus takes a steadying breath and opens the door.
“There, you happy?” he asks, opening the door fully to allow Shawn to walk inside first.
Instead, Shawn walks around him and stands in front. His eyes flick to Gus’s lips. “Ecstatic.”
He walks inside and Gus follows.
“It’s not much.” he says, trying to be modest.
The room is moderately sized, with a queen sized bed taking up most of the space. There’s a small bedside table to the left and a slightly larger round table with two chairs to the right. In front of the bed there’s a mini fridge and a wall mounted tv, and there’s a cupboard next to the window.
“It’s better than where I’ve been sleeping lately.”
Gus frowns. “You sleeping rough?”
Shawn shrugs. “A couple of seedy motels. You know how it is.”
He doesn’t, but he nods like he does.
“The view’s good.” He says to fill the silence.
He walks over to the window and Shawn follows. They look over a small park, and beyond it they can see the ocean.
“It’s nice.” Shawn says, but his eyes keep flicking to Gus.
His heart starts beating faster and he doesn’t know if it will ever slow down.
“I can’t believe you’re here.” He whispers. He doesn’t know why. It feels like a whisper moment.
Shawn nods, taking a step forward so there’s very little distance between them.
“I’m real. I’m here.” He says.
He reaches out and takes Gus’s hand in his own. For a moment Gus is worried about how sweaty his palms are, but that worry disappears when Shawn links his fingers through his own.
“I’m right here.” Shawn says.
There’s probably a million reasons why this is a bad idea, but a million reasons why it’s not. He closes his eyes, leans down, and kisses Shawn Spencer right on the lips.
He stays there, frozen, until he feel the corners of Shawn’s lips twitch upwards. He opens his eyes and pulls back a fraction.
“I’ve been waiting so long for one of us to do that.” Shawn says.
Gus isn’t sure if he moved first, or Shawn did, or they both moved as one, but suddenly they’re kissing again. He pulls Shawn closer with this free hand and deepens the kiss.
;;;
“Well, there was Javier.” Gus says hours later as they’re laying in bed.
Their clothing is strewn around the room, and the pillow is rock hard, but Shawn is the happiest he’s been in a long time.
“Javier? Really?” he laughs.
Gus is curled up against him, his head resting on Shawn’s shoulder. If Shawn were to move his head slightly, he could kiss the top of Gus’s head, which he does.
“Yes really.” Gus tries to sound indignant, but he’s also laughing and trying to kiss Shawn’s chest so it really doesn’t work.
“Then there was Hannah.” He continues.
“Hannah? Oh God, that’s even worse somewhere.” Shawn crinkles up his nose.
“Well how about you, then, mister hot shot.”
“Mister hot shot? Ooh I like that.” Shawn pulls Gus closer to him. “That’s my new nickname.”
Gus snorts and kisses him again. “Nice try. Spill.”
Shawn sighs. “Sandra.”
Gus bursts out laughing. “Sandra?”
“Yes.”
“You guys woulda been mister and mises Shawn and Sandra Spencer.”
Shawn shivers. “Well I certainly dodged a bullet there, didn’t I?”
“Hmm.” Gus nods in agreement.
Shawn kisses him again.
The lights from the clock radio catch his attention. “We should probably get some sleep. It’s late. Or early, I guess.”
Gus shifts and looks at the time. “Oh wow. Yeah, um…”
Shawn’s heart stops. He’d just assumed he’d be saying, but now.
“I can—”
“I don’t have a spare toothbrush.” Gus interrupts.
“What?” Shawn asks.
“A toothbrush.” He sits up and Shawn follows. “I didn’t know this was going to happen, so I didn’t bring a spare.”
Shawn shakes his head and tries not to laugh out loud. Instead he grabs Gus by the back of the neck and brings him close for a slow, breathtaking kiss.
“You are so cute.”
A blush forms on Gus’s cheeks and he shrugs slightly. “Well, you know, dental hygiene is important.”
“You’ve got mouthwash I bet?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then I’ll use that.” Shawn says.
“Yeah, that’ll work.” Gus says.
“I should probably…” Shawn starts.
Gus smiles and nods, but leans in for another kiss. “You should probably…”
Shawn kisses him back. “My teeth can wait.”
;;;
When Gus wakes up, he has no idea where he is. He’s sore in places he hasn’t been sore in a long time, and something is pressing down on his arm, holding him in place. How much did I drink last night?
Last night.
Memories come racing back, and he shifts himself slightly to see if it’s true. Yes. Shawn Spencer is lying naked in his hotel room. His face is pressed into the pillow and he’s snoring slightly but he’s here now.
Gus tries to avoid pinching himself. It’s true. He searches himself to feel something other than happiness. He knows that soon enough his usual anxiety will emerge and they’ll have to have ‘the talk’, but for now he just wants to bask in this feeling. Shawn Spencer is in my bed. Snoring.
“So is this what morning after Gus does? Watch you while you sleep?”
Shawn doesn’t open his eyes or give any indication that he’s awake.
Gus chuckles. “Well, morning after Shawn snores and—”
“I do not!” Shawn bolts upright, looking offended. Or at least he tried to be. His hair was sticking up every which way and he was still very naked.
Gus nodded. “I’m afraid you do, Shawn.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me? It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before.”
Gus sits up slowly. It’s true- they used to sleep together all the time when they were with kids. And they shared bedrooms will into their teens, up until the end of high school. But we’ve never done this.
The thought seems to strike Shawn at the same time. He smiles softly and starts to blush.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” Gus smiles back. Shawn’s runs a hand through his hair in a half-hearted attempt to control it, and his nose is all crinkly and there’s a slight hickey starting to form in his neck.
“What?” Shawn asks.
Gus shakes his head. There’s too much to say right now. “Nothin’.”
Shawn licks his lips. “Nothin’, huh?”
Gus moves closer to him, so close that they’re bumping noses. “Nothin’.”
“Well then…” Shawn says, and he leans closer for kiss but then stops.
Gus blinks. Oh god, why is he stopping?
Up until last night, Gus had only ever seen Shawn nervous in a handful of situations- when he was gearing up for a big jump on his push bike, when he was trying to find the courage to ask Abigail out on a date, when he climbed into Gus’s window and said that his parents were finally getting their divorce. But these moments all had one thing in common. Shawn would come to him with his problems, his worries, and Gus would talk him through them, or at least just be there when Shawn needed him. It was Shawn and Gus against the world.
Now Shawn was nervous, but he wasn’t talking.
The ball was in his court now. He can written it off as two friends getting a bit tipsy and reconnecting. A one night thing, nothing more. But Gus knows that his heart would break if they did that. They’ve had too many of these moments, of close calls and ‘almosts’ before one of them leaves. He doesn’t know if he can take another one.
So instead, he leans forward and gives Shawn a quick peck on the lips.
Shawn’s face lights up like a kid on Christmas.
“So…” Shawn starts, but he’s cut off by the phone ringing.
“Ugh.” Gus groans. “Hold that thought.”
“Mister Guster?” the woman on the other end of the phone line asks.
“Yes?”
“Good morning mister Guster.” She sounds too cheerful. Gus hates her for it. “This is your wake up call. Your room service order will be up in just a few moments.”
“Right. Thank you. um, actually, can you double that?”
“I’m sorry?”
“The room service order.” He glances at the Shawn who raises an eyebrow. “I ordered a breakfast omelette, I think. Can you bring up another one. But, um, don’t charge it to the room. I’ll pay on my way out.”
“Right you are sir.”
He can hear the smugness in her voice and he knows what she’s thinking. How many other people have done this, rearranged their room service orders after a night out? He fights the urge to explain to her that this is not what she thinks, that this isn’t just some one night stand, except a) he doesn’t want to sound crazy and b) he doesn’t really know what ‘this’ is.
Except that ‘this’ has been the best night he’s had in years.
The beeping on the other end of the line tells him the receptionist has already hung up and probably well on her way to instigating existential crises in other individuals.
“Breakfast omelette?” Shawn asks.
Gus shrugs. “It sounded like a good idea at the time.”
He hangs up the phone and looks back to Shawn. “so, um, about—”
The phone rings again, and he growls.
“It’s just two omelettes and coffee, please.” He practically shouts into the phone.
“Woah ho-ho there Guster-man.” Clive’s voice screeches through the phone. “Two omelettes!?”
Oh God.
“Oh, um, morning Clive.” He says, trying to compose himself.
“Big night last night huh?” Clive asks through the phone. His words are slurring a little and if it weren’t impossible Gus could swear he can smell the alcohol wafted off from him.
He looks over at Shawn who wiggles his eyebrows.
“Uh, kinda?” crap. Now he’s going to keep talking and I won’t ever get him to shut up.
“Hee-hee I bet. There were a lot of lovely ladies down there in the bar last night.”
“I didn’t notice-uh.” Double crap. “I mean, they didn’t notice me.”
“Uh huh. Sure man. That’s why you’re getting two breakfasts.”
“No, there’s no…”
Seven o’clock in the flipping morning. Now is not the time when Gus wanted to come out to his co-workers. A part of him never wanted to. He didn’t want his work and personal lives to intersect at all. Maybe that was naive of him, but it still beat the awkward conversations he knew would be forth coming.
He turns to Shawn for some moral support, but Shawn is already up and gone into the bathroom.
Triple crap.
;;;
Shawn splashes some water on his face and tries to calm down.
Two omelettes. He’s ordering breakfast for you. He’s not trying to run away.
But he’s not charging yours. He doesn’t want anyone to know.
It wouldn’t be the first time he’s been given the heave-ho in the morning. But he never thought Gus would be on the heaving end. He was heaving pretty heavily last night. He laughed at himself. no. now is not the time for double entendres.
Now was the time for mortification and panic.
It wasn’t like he expected a whole parade after all this, or Gus running up and down the hallways shouting with joy ‘has everyone met my new boyfriend?’. He doesn’t even know if he expect to be a boyfriend.
But it doesn’t stop the snakes in his stomach or the taste of bile in his throat. Shame. Of all the responses, he never expects Gus to be ashamed of him.
Maybe he works with a bunch of homophobes? He shakes his head. Is that the best case scenario here, that Gus is surrounded by bigots all day?
But it could be true. And he hasn’t worked there for every long, maybe he’s not out? Or maybe he just doesn’t want to get the reputation of a guy who’ll bring someone back to his hotel room on every work trip.
That’s a lot of maybes Shawn. He can almost hear his father's voice. You know the guy who has all the answers.
Of course. Just ask Gus. ‘Hey buddy, real quick, just wondering if it’s me you’re ashamed of, or yourself, or you co-workers?’. Yea, that’ll go down well.
;;;
“Oh… okay… well… just…” it’s like being on the phone with his mother, trying to get a word in edgeways so he can end the conversation quickly and politely.
Unfortunately, Clive shows no sign of stopping.
“You’ve got to check it out soon man. It’s legendary. Absolutely.”
“Yeah huh, I will, I just gotta…”
The bathroom door is still closed.
Maybe he’s, you know, using the bathroom? Or maybe he’s hiding in there because the reality of the situation has finally got to him and he’s trying to think of a way to politely leave.
No. This is Shawn. He wouldn’t do this. He looked so happy this last morning, right before Clive rang. Could that be it? Gus mumbles something half hearted into the phone. Does Shawn hate Clive? Well, everyone hates Clive, but does Shawn hate hate him?
He can’t take it anymore.
“That sounds great Clive but I gotta go. Bye now.”
Without waiting for a response be hangs up the phone.
He stares at it a moment longer, waiting to see if it will ring again. Silence. Finally. He all but collapses onto the bed. Okay… you can do this.
He stands. Sits again. Stands and shakes his arms. Nervous energy is coursing through his veins and he feels like going for a run. Or do they go for jogs in LA? The bathroom door is still closed, so he focuses on the one thing he can currently control- the state of the bedroom.
Honestly, it’s a disgrace. Clothes are everywhere, and they didn’t even stop to properly hang their shirts last night. Or this morning?
It doesn’t matter. Because right now Shawn is either having a perfectly normal biological… moment, in the bathroom, or he’s trying to find a way to run away and leave Gus forever. The only two options, right?
Gus picks up the first t-shirt he comes across and walks to the cupboard.
Shawn leaves. There are only three certainties in this world: death, taxes, and Shawn Spencer’s love for being anywhere but here.
He hangs the shirt and moves onto the next one.
It doesn’t matter where ‘here’ is, or even if ‘here’ is with his best friend in the whole world.
He pulls out his suitcase to start selecting his outfit for the day with the bathroom door opens.
“So how is Cl—” Shawn stops and stares at the suitcase.
;;;
Of course. Of flipping course. Of course Gus wants to leave. Or wants him to leave. Gus wants this to be over and done with.
He probably only ordered the second omelette out of pity.
Shawn feels the shame rise within him like a physical presence. It hurts. Gus isn’t like him. Gus is different. It was one of the things Shawn loves most about him, the way Gus can see the order within the chaos. And yeah sure sometimes his logic got in the way of a good time, but Gus never backed down from a challenge. You can be fun and safe!
This didn’t feel fun or safe.
Instead it felt like a million punches to the gut.
“Are you trying to skip out on the bill?” he asks, trying to remain light hearted.
Gus snorts. “I’m trying to select an outfit for the day.”
Relief floods Shawn’s veins and the throws himself face first onto the bed. “Oh thank god. I thought you were going to ditch me.”
He feels the bed compress and knows that Gus is sitting right bedsides him. “Never”.
Shawn moves himself awkwardly so they’re sitting side by side at the foot of the bed. “good, coz, I—”
“Room service!”
Gus raises a finger in a ‘give me a moment’ gesture. “One second please!” he starts towards the door
“Wait, Gus.” Shawn calls out.
Gus turns.
“Pants.”
“Shoot.” He says. He grabs the first pair of pants he can find. “Coming!”
“Not yet anyway.” Shawn says underneath his breath.
Gus almost falls over on his way to the door he’s laughing so hard.
“Um, hi. Let me take that.” He says as soon as he opens the door.
The room service attendant looks all of 12 years old.
“Allow me sir.” The kid says as he tries to make his way inside with the tray covered in food.
“I insist.” Gus says, trying to take it from him.
“Sir.” The kid tries again.
Behind him, Gus can hear the door to the bathroom open then close. He breathes a sigh of relief, followed by anger at himself. Why do I keep making Shawn feel like he’s gotta hide?
“Okay, come in.” he relents and steps back.
The kid walks in and places the tray on the small table. Gus reaches into the pants pocket and pulls out a wallet. It’s not his.
“Oh, um…” he says.
He looks around and finds his pants flung over the back of the chair right next to the kid.
“I’ll just…” he motions towards the pants, and the kid steps aside.
“Of course sir.”
He manages to avoid all eye contact as the grabs his wallet, opens it, and hands over a $10 bill.
“Thank you sir.” The kid says as he leaves. “Enjoy your day.”
Gus doesn’t start breathing again until he’s out the door. Shawn opens the door to the bedroom and peeks out.
“Is the coast clear?”
“Yeah.” Gus nods.
Shawn exits the bathroom with a weird look on his face. “I figured you didn’t want anyone to see me.”
“It’s not…” Gus starts, but he stops himself. “I didn’t know if you—”
Shawn dismisses him with a wave. “It’s fine.” He frowns. “Are those my pants?”
;;;
They dress, and over breakfast they talk about everything and nothing. Shawn describes riding through Mexico and the odd jobs that have kept him afloat. Gus talks about college and graduation and snooty high school kids he’d tutored.
None of them talk about he only thing they want to- the future.
Shawn knows he needs to clarify it before the day is done. Sooner, rather than later, but god help him if he isn’t terrified. He’s never been one for the whole ‘what are we?’ conversation. He’s more of a ‘I’ll call you’ as he’s leaving before breakfast kind of guy. But this is Gus. Gus! He can’t screw this up. He can’t let this be a one and done type of deal.
He tries to pay attention as Gus recounts his first interview with the pharmaceutical company, but his brain kept wondering. Is this what Gus wants? A life of selling drugs to doctors, with a someone to come home to at the end of the day?
Shawn doesn’t know if he could be that guy. He doesn’t know if he was done finding himself or whatever it was he was meant to be doing on this trip. What he does know is that he’s tired. Tired of trying to be someone he wasn’t. Trying to run away from what he really wants.
“And that’s just crazy, right?” Gus asks.
“Right. Yeah, totally.” Shawn says
Gus’s shoulders sink.
“Shawn, you weren’t listening to a word I was saying, were you?”
“I was too.”
Gus shakes his head.
“I was just… distracted.” Shawn says, trying to dig himself out of this hole.
“By what?” Gus says, a little too angrily for Shawn’s liking.
“By what we’re gonna do today.”
Gus’s eyebrows raise and Shawn rushes to backpedal. “I mean, we as in, you and I, like, not ‘you and I’ you and I, but by, like, what are you doing today and what am I doing today.”
“Oh.” Gus looks at his place and moves the remaining egg around. “I only have this room for another couple of hours, then I should get going.”
“Oh, right, sure.” Shawn says.
“What about you?” Gus asks, still staring at his plate.
“I was thinking about seeing the sights, you know? But I should probably get in touch with my friend about that work.” He smiles slightly. See Gus? I want to sightsee, but instead I’m choosing the responsible thing. Aren’t you happy?
But Gus doesn’t look happy. He looks… sad?
Gus frowns. “This job… it’s not… not porn or anything, right?”
Shawn bursts out laughing. “No. It’s at a bar.”
“Oh. Thank god.” Gus laughs.
“Oh come on- you don’t want me to be an accountant. You don’t want me to be a porn star, and I’d make a great porn star. What do you want me to be?”
He meant it as a joke. something funny to say. He doesn’t realise the weight of his question until he’s asked it, but by then it’s too late. Gus has looked away, back at his plate.
What do you want me to be? He asked a similar question, years ago. They’d been talking about the future, Gus’s plans for college and Shawn’s to take to the open road. Talking turned to arguing, which turned to fighting. And shouting. ‘What do you want from me?’ he’d shouted. Gus wanted him to go to college, to come with him. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t be that man. Not now, and certainly not then.
He doesn’t realise he’s still staring at Gus until his friend turns back to face him. “I want you to be happy.”
The statement hits him like a tonne of bricks. Happy? He is happy, isn’t he?
“I’m, I’m fine man.”
“Are you Shawn? All of this running around, different job, different city each week. Aren’t you tired of that. Don’t you want some stability in your life?”
“I’m not like you Gus. I can’t just commit to a 9 to 5, stay my whole life in some crappy office building working for the man.”
“Shawn, that’s not—”
“what, do you want me to be something like Clive, is that it?”
“What? No? Shawn, I’m just saying you have options. You can be something else other than ‘police officer’ and ‘office drone’.”
Shawn stares at him, mouth open.
Gus realises his mistake too quickly, and tries to take it back. “I didn’t mean… I didn’t want to bring him up into this, I just—”
“No, it’s fine.” Shawn stands up and starts to pace. His heart is racing and he can practically feel his blood pumping through his veins. His usual response when someone even gets close to mentioning his father.
“Shawn, I didn’t…” Gus starts, but since there’s nowhere to go he just stops.
“I can’t do this.”
Gus looks taken aback. Then clamps his jaw shut. “Fine. I figured. “
“Oh you figured, did you? Figured what?”
“Figured that this would probably be it for you, huh?”
“You got me all figured out. Stupid Shawn with his trip around the country. Stupid Shawn with his no good jobs and no stability.”
“I never called you stupid.”
“It was written all over your face.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid, Shawn, it’s the opposite. I think you can be more, do so much more than what you’re doing!”
“I’m not like you Gus, or Clive!”
“Stop bringing him into this Shawn. This isn’t about Clive, he’s got nothing to do with anything.”
Shawn barrels on, too full of steam to stop now. “But that’s what you wanted, right? You wanted me to go to college and be just like you and all your little college friends and Javier and everyone else. But I can’t do that. I can’t be that!”
“Shawn!”
“Tell me right now, look me in the eye and tell me that you think I could have fit in in college, that I would have been good there!”
“it wasn’t the college that was the important thing, Shawn.”
He scoffs.
“Okay, so maybe it was at first, but that wasn’t the whole reason.”
“Oh really!?”
“Yes really! I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to—”
“Well I couldn’t Gus, okay. It just hurt to damn much.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on you’re the smart guy, you figure it out.”
“Shawn, I don’t—”
“I love you!” He shouts. His chest is heaving and he feels like he might pass out but it’s too late. He’s said it now. “I love you. I loved you then and I love you now and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand to be around you when you were moving on with your life so I had to leave.”
He blinks and looks into Gus’s eyes. Hoping for him to say something, anything. But when he does, it’s the last thing Shawn expects to hear.
“No.”
;;;
“No… no what?”
Time has ceased to exist. Or maybe it’s still going on, Shawn has no idea. He once tried to learn theoretical physics but the knowledge made his brain hurt and he was twelve at the time so he had other things to do like algebra.
So maybe time could be both stopped and continuing all at once. Everyone else was outside living their lives, while inside this hotel room Shawn’s world was breaking apart.
“No, you don’t love me.”
Shawn barks out a desperate laugh. “Oh, I do. Trust me. I’ve been trying to tell myself for years that I don’t but—”
“No Shawn. You don’t.”
“Gus—”
“You don’t. You can’t just say that, like it’s nothing.”
“I’m pretty sure I shouted it.”
“You can’t just tell me you love me like I haven’t been in love with you all along and then just expect me to be alright with this.”
“Wait, what?”
“You’re not the one in love here Shawn, okay!” Gus shouts and shoves a finger at Shawn’s face and then back at himself. “It’s me. I’m the one who loves you and you’re the one who left me.”
If Shawn were a cartoon character, he’s sure his eyes would be bulging out of their sockets right now. Gus looks about as crazed as he feels. He’s breathing heavily and he’s running his hands over his head. He’s still wearing last nights clothes though the buttons are not done all the way up and there’s a bit of egg literally on his face.
This is the man I fall in love with.
The thought hits him out of nowhere and he can’t help but laugh.
Gus cocks an eyebrow, which makes Shawn laugh even harder.
“I’m sorry, I just…” he tries to speak, but the laughs keep coming.
Gus starts to break, and soon he’s laughing too. Shawn sits at the foot of the bed and Gus joins him.
When the laughing finally he dies down he draws in a deep breath
“So you love me.” he says.
Gus nods. “Yep.”
“And I love you.”
“So you shouted.”
They laugh again.
“How did we not know this?” Shawn asks.
“Well, I fell in love with you in high school, when we were teenagers. And I’m pretty sure all teenagers are stupid so…”
Gus turns to face him. a single tear is slowly making its way down his face, and Shawn reaches up and wipes it away.
“I love you.” He says. This time a lot quieter than the first time.
“I love you too.” Gus replies.
He wants to dance. He wants to jump up and dance. He feels like he could float away he’s so damn happy. And yet. Out of the corner of his eye he can see the clock radio. Nine thirty. In half an hour they have to leave this room and then… who knows.
“So, what now?” he asks.
“Hmm, now I kiss you.” Gus says.
“Okay.” Shawn says once Gus has finished with his lips. “But what now?”
He’s not usually the one to think about the future, but he can’t help it this time. This is the first time he’s every genuinely interested or excited in the future. Their future, he hopes.
Gus shrugs slightly. “I don’t know. I’ve still gotta…” he takes a breath. “I’ve gotta go back home to Santa Barbara. To my job.”
Shawn closes his eyes. “I don’t know if I can go back there just yet.” He says.
He opens them slowly, afraid of what he’ll see. But Gus is still smiling, looking like he understands what Shawn means, or at least he’s trying to understand.
“Okay. You’ll keep in touch this time, right?” Gus asks.
“Of course. Are you kidding me? I’m going to be texting you all the time. Everything I see, I’m telling you about.”
“And we’re only an hour away.”
“Well, two hours if you count traffic.”
“Right.”
“But who am I kidding, I’ve got my bike, I can just zip through it all.”
“Shawn, please tell me you’re not speeding on that thing.”
“Uh… no?”
Gus shakes his head and sighs. “What am I gonna do with you?”
“Kiss me again?”
Gus chuckles. “okay, fine.”
;;;
Gus isn’t worried. Not at all. He’s fine totally fine. It’s perfectly normal for a guy feeling as fine as he is to check their phone every five seconds to see if they’ve missed a message or a call or one of those book face message poke things.
He’s not at all worried about Shawn.
The six months since that hotel room in L.A were the best months of Gus’s life. Shawn stayed in L.A for four months before finding someone in the Santa Barbara area who needed a house sitter, and before Gus knew it Shawn was living just two blocks away from him. They saw each other almost every night and talked every day. Shawn was still his usual self; still living large and loving life, but he’d gotten better at answering Gus’s texts.
Which is why Gus is not worriedly checking his phone for a response to any one of the eight messages he sent Shawn.
He sighs and puts the phone down on his desk. No. He’s not going to do this to himself. Shawn loves him. He tells him that every day and twice on Sundays. So why is he worried that Shawn will up and leave him?
Because he’s done that too many times.
Gus grunts and pulls up a game on his computer to distract himself. No. Shawn is still Shawn, but they talked about this. Years of miscommunication and missed opportunities were bound to leave scars, but they were working through it. Shawn was trying to be more stable, and Gus was trying to be more carefree. They were in a good place. Shawn wouldn’t just-
The door sings open and Gus looks up. Shawn burst in with his helmet under one arm and the other outstretched, pointing.
“I have a job for you.”
“I already have a job.”
Gus bites back a smile as he strings Shawn along, telling him that he’s behind on his route and has new butt cream to sell. He knows he’s going to do join Shawn with whatever shenanigans he’s cooking up, and Shawn knows he knows, but there’s no fun in saying yes right away.
He’s not gonna lie, being a private eye would be pretty sweet. But working with the real cops, on a real case? Sounded dangerous. And fun. And exactly like Shawn.
“Grab your sample case, coz some of those forensics guys—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Gus leans forward in his seat and smiles. “There’s going to be forensics guys there?”
Shawn looks shocked. “Did I say that, uh, coz I meant—”
Gus wiggles his eyebrows in a manner he hopes is suggestive. “You know I love me a good forensics guy in one of those hazmat-type suits.”
“Wait, no, Gus…”
Gus laughs as he stands and collects his sample case. “Come on Shawn, let’s be psychic detectives.”
“Just so we’re clear, I’m the psychic.” Shawn says as he follows him out the door. “And there will be no flirting with forensics guy!”