Chapter Text
“Does he like Exy?”
“Jesus Christ, Neil.”
The library was almost empty. Not many people seemed to find its walls great company on a Sunday morning. Neil was only there because Matt had texted him halfway through his morning run, the current state of his essay a disaster waiting to disaster, as he’d called it.
Neil knew nothing about the Enlightenment and next to nothing else about solid essay structure. He figured he just wanted an easy distraction. Neil didn’t mind, happy to listen to him talk about anything and everything. Currently, he was talking at length about a new student he’d befriended.
Neil flicked his pen at Matt. “Yes or no?”
“I don’t think it’s very popular down there,” Matt hummed. “They’re more into ball sports. He is into math, though, like you. Freaky.”
“Math makes more sense than that old crap.”
“You’d give my professor a heart attack if she heard you say that.” Matt smirked. “Go find her so I don’t have to finish this essay.”
“I’m not killing your teacher.”
Matt’s eyes softened, going comically wide. “Pretty please, Neil.”
Neil retrieved his pen just so he could flick it at Matt one more time.
Jacob ended up being in his statistics class.
Any new face in any of his classes always had Neil on edge. It took him a while to settle himself, the introduction of the class always drowned out by Neil’s mind working a million miles an hour, trying to match the new face to a face from his past. He didn’t realise the new student was Matt’s friend, not immediately at least.
Matt had failed to mention his name, but after class Jacob introduced himself right away. Neil stiffened as he made a bee-line for him, his skin crawling at being recognised. Rationally, he knew Matt would’ve described him. Neil’s face wasn’t exactly one you could ignore. It still left him on edge, calves tense when Jacob settled in front of him.
The first thing Neil noticed was Jacob’s height. The second thing Neil noticed was his accent.
“You’re Neil, right?” Low, thick, a little slurred. Names came rushing like flash cards in Neil’s mind. English? South African? “Nice to meet you, mate, I’m Jacob.” No. Australian.
“Stereotypical, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, on purpose. Saves the inevitable.”
“Right,” Neil started to walk away. Jacob followed.
There was a lull, and then, “Palmetto is way bigger than my last uni, you know? So many more people. I’m not used to it.”
After all this time, Neil should’ve been more used to small talk. He wasn’t. He hated it. He didn’t say anything, taking a note from Andrew’s playbook and raising an eyebrow instead.
“I mean, I’m from the country, so anything in comparison is bigger.” Jacob was friendly enough, not seeming to care that Neil wasn’t biting. He could see why Matt liked him. “You from the city?”
Neil’s brain went in a circle for a second, metaphorically loading all the files labeled Neil Josten. Neil Josten was from, “Baltimore.”
“Cool.”
Neil’s lips twitched. He was glad he was at the point where he could muster a dry laugh. “Not really.”
“Shitty city?”
It occurred to Neil that if Jacob was new, he had no idea who he was, or the intricate details of the shit show from the year prior. It was strangely nice. Refreshing. Neil was sick to death of the stares he got from people around campus. “You could say that.”
“Sucks.” Another lull, then, “Matt says you’re on the exy team.”
Neil became the slightest bit more animated. “Do you play?”
“Nah, it’s not as big as it is here back home. It’s down the list with lacrosse.” He must’ve pulled a face because Jacob laughed. “Noted. I won’t make that comparison again.”
“Not in front of Kevin. He’ll have a stroke.”
“I think I know who that is.”
“If you hang around long enough, you’ll know.”
Neil stopped in front of his next class, only a few other students mingling around. Jacob bounced around on his heels, the muscles of his jaw tensing and untensing, like he was figuring out what to say. Like it mattered. Neil watched him quietly, failing to understand why a goodbye was so hard for a stranger.
“It was nice to meet you.”
Andrew’s voice floated in Neil’s mind, no it wasn’t. But that wasn’t true, not exactly. Neil would’ve preferred silence, and not having to speak to anybody between his classes, but the conversation with Jacob wasn’t… unpleasant. Neil was trying to get better at being ‘friendly’ and it wasn’t as if Jacob was rude. Matt liked him, that had to mean something.
“Yeah.”
Jacob laughed again. Neil didn’t know what was so funny.
“We should do this again. Maybe we could study together?”
Statistics was Neil’s best class, his other marks not coming close. He didn’t need help, he didn’t want help, but he supposed company wouldn’t be awful. “If you know what you’re doing, sure.”
“Math is like, all I can do, man,” Jacob grinned. “I guess I’ll see you later.”
Neil mustered a crooked smile. He waved Jacob off, his phone buzzing with a text. He struggled to find it in his deep pocket, Neil blew a huff of air out of his nose when he eventually read the text.
It was Matt.
He’s cool right?!?
Neil looked up from his phone, searching for Matt. He knew some of his classes were nearby, and it didn’t take long for Neil to spot him. He was a decent distance away, but not far enough that he wouldn’t be able to see the middle finger Neil threw his way. He could hear Matt’s boisterous laugh like he was right beside him.
Neil texted him back.
Yeah. Cool.
After a few weeks, meeting Jacob in the library to study became part of his routine.
Neil didn’t intend for it to happen, not really. But after every class Jacob would catch up to him, chat with him, then leave and appear again in the library. It became so familiar that Neil stopped bristling whenever Jacob noisily planted his books on the table in the corner of the library.
Currently, Neil had guided the conversation to exy.
“I still don’t understand the plexiglass walls.”
“There are four of them.”
“Shh, yeah,” Jacob took a giant sip of his coffee. “But why even have them? There’s no time to slow down during a throw in, it’s just go, go, go. Don’t you get tired?
Neil, not ashamed to say he was addicted to the burn on his chest after a game, shook his head. “It’s worth it.”
“It sounds fucking exhausting. I need to try it.”
“You have the height,” Neil finished his final equation and slammed his book shut. Usually, he would leave immediately, but Jacob was nowhere near done and Neil, surprising even himself, felt like staying. “If you have any kind of speed and balance you might be decent.”
“Might? I reckon I’d kill it.”
“You’d kill your hamstrings.”
Jacob‘s eyes sparked, his, “Piss off,” friendly.
They continued their back and forth, Jacob gradually leaning closer and closer over the table until the conversation was halted by a looming, Kevin shaped shadow. Neil knew it was him before he even opened his mouth.
“Come to practice early with me.”
Neil didn’t spare him a glance. “Busy.”
“Your books are closed.”
“Fine. I don’t want to.”
Jacob looked behind Neil to greet Kevin, hand extended, a smile stretched across his face. “You must be Kevin. I’m Jacob.”
He didn’t have to see him to know Kevin had that look on his face. It was the one that said he was weighing out his options. Fake smile or real disinterest? He settled somewhere in the middle, Kevin reaching out to shake his hand, his hello without much effort because Jacob was quickly ignored.
“We didn’t practice last night, so we should go early.”
“Nope.”
Kevin stalked around the table. He put his hands on Neil’s homework, gathering it all together while Neil watched. “Come on.”
“Nope.”
“You’re doing this just to be an asshole.”
Neil messed up the pile Kevin had just stacked. “Yep.”
“Fuck you,” Kevin went a step further, scooping Neil’s books up in his arms. “We’re going.”
Kevin made his way to leave, but Neil didn’t follow. Jacob watched them curiously, eyes lingering on Kevin. “Is that normal?”
“This is tame,” Neil sighed, finally giving in and getting to his feet. He wouldn’t give Kevin the satisfaction of moving quickly, so he sluggishly untied and retied both of his shoelaces. “Your last two answers are wrong,” he added, tapping at the equations on Jacob’s page.
Jacob was too distracted to care. “I’ll happily put him in his place if you want me to.”
Neil frowned. “Are you talking about Kevin?” When it was clear he was, Neil’s frown deepened. “I can handle him, he’s harmless.”
“He’s twice your size.”
“He’s made of play dough.”
“Okay,” Jacob’s face was more serious than Neil had seen it. It didn’t suit him. “If you’re sure.”
Something itched at Neil’s throat, something that felt a lot like irritation. He couldn’t help himself, never liking to be underestimated. “I don’t think I need to explain to you that I’ve handled worse than Kevin Day’s shitty attitude, and I don’t need any help.”
Jacob immediately threw up his arms, his features smoothing out. “Woah, woah. I’m just trying to look out for you, Neil. Sorry.”
Neil, not trusting himself to say anything else, rushed out of the library to follow Kevin.
A week later, the Foxes decided to celebrate their win on Saturday.
The bar chosen was new, pandering entirely to the local university students. The upperclassman had been frequenting it, only taking a few visits to deem it worthy for a night out. Matt had invited Neil, which meant inviting Andrew. Which meant inviting Kevin, which meant inviting the cousins. Neil didn’t think they’d want to come, but any excuse to drink was welcomed.
Idling in the carpark, Neil got a text from Matt.
Where are you guys?? We’ve scored you a table but these drunk assholes keep on trying to steal it. Get Andrew in here so he can scare them off!
Neil rolled his eyes.
Carpark. In soon.
Andrew glanced at the text, turned off the engine, and said, “Get out.” Kevin, Aaron and Nicky emptied out the backseat, the trio heading inside. Neil stayed put, so did Andrew.
Neil smirked. “Hey.”
Andrew glared at him. “Yes or no?”
Of course. “Yes.”
Neil expected a scathing kiss. He didn’t expect Andrew to take his jaw between his finger and thumb and plant a light kiss on his jaw. Neil went cross eyed looking at him, breath punched from his lungs. Andrew refused to look him in the eye, deciding instead to drop his chin and exit the car, making a show of slamming the door shut.
After collecting himself, Neil stumbled out of the car. He barely caught up with Andrew before the door of the bar slammed shut, Neil sidestepping through like he would two opposing players. He was met with a sticky floor and walls laden with brick. A long bar sat against one wall, a few pool tables crowded in the far corner. Booths and tables were scattered around, decorative half walls clearly dividing the space.
It only took Neil a moment to find his Foxes, crowded around one large table, a half occupied table next to them. Matt was right. One scathing look from Andrew had the boisterous students peeling away from the table, giving them the chance to drag them together. Neil sat closest to Matt who punched his knuckles in a greeting, already having had a few considering his smile was more lopsided than it usually was.
It didn’t take long for Nicky to come back with a tray full of drinks, their usual even in the unusual place. He planted Neil’s glass in front of him with a smile. “And for my favourite redhead,” he said, “orange juice.”
“You might as well make it a screwdriver, Neil,” Allison pouted, her straw bright pink from her lipstick. “Have a little fun.”
“I’m fine.” There was a collective groan from the group, Neil feeling his ears redden. “I’m content. How’s that?”
“Better.” Allison clinked her cocktail with Neil’s juice. “We can work on the synonyms.”
The two tables descended into conversations, Neil surprised that they were even at this point. Civil conversations, with only minimal snide and no punches thrown. They always talked about how far Neil had come, but he thought they sometimes forget just where they were before him. Kevin wouldn’t be talking to Dan without being forced to, and Allison wouldn’t even be looking at Nicky, let alone giggling with him.
“Stop it.”
Neil turned to face Andrew. “Hmm.”
Andrew stared at him, then stared a little longer. He downed the last of his whiskey and planted it down in front of Neil. He kicked his foot under the table, Neil doing his best not to react. He didn’t think Andrew would like the others to know he was playing footsies under the table with him.
Neil started to fiddle with the glass, noting how low his own was getting. “Want another?” Andrew’s leg winding around Neil’s calf was as much as a yes as he was going to get.
He dragged himself off the chair and made his way to the bar, most of the crowd having gathered to sit down or mingle near the walls by now. It gave Neil an easy path, an open one, so open that he was able to recognise the only other person standing at the bar. His pace faltered only slightly, Neil having not anticipated seeing Jacob tonight. Their last interaction had been… tense. Neil didn’t know if any of it would be lingering.
Feeling eyes on his back, Neil didn’t give himself time to wonder. He leaned against the bar next to Jacob. He waited for the bartenders to finish what they were doing, and waited to be noticed. He quickly felt another pair of eyes on him, this time on his side, and it didn’t take long for Jacob to open his mouth.
“Neil? Hey.”
“Hello.”
Silence.
“I uh, aced my assessment.”
“Good.”
In Neil’s peripheral he saw him move, slowly edging closer to Neil. When he turned to face him, Jacob looked a little sheepish. “Can I apologise again for what happened in the library?”
“Don’t, I don’t care.” Neil studied the bottles behind the bar, not liking the earnest way Jacob was looking at him. “Just don’t assume anything about me.”
“It won’t happen again, trust me,” Jacob leaned across the bar, slightly getting in Neil’s space. An upbeat song bounced out of the speakers, raising the volume of the bar. Jacob had to get closer to speak to him, “My shout.”
Neil furrowed his brow. “I’m only getting juice and whiskey.”
“Then I’ll shout your juice and whiskey.”
Neil, not used to the easy familiarity between anyone that wasn’t a Fox, tried his best to muster a smile. “Okay.”
Jacob lingered, even after the bartender slid the glasses to Neil. “Thanks.” An awkwardness persisted, Neil wringing his glass. Was he supposed to invite Jacob to the table? Was he supposed to leave him at the bar?
“Relax, Neil,” Jacob laughed. “You’re supposed to be celebrating. I saw that you won, I watched the game actually.”
Neil sipped his drink, raising an eyebrow. And?
“Fucking insane, I loved it. I’m gonna have to go to every home game now. I don’t think I’ve watched anything like it, and you…” Jacob huffed, shaking his head. “Jesus Neil, you’re good.”
“Good.”
“Great, fantastic, whatever!” He waved his hand around, sloshing around the drink in his hand. It came precariously close to spilling. “I could watch you play for hours, easy.”
“Thanks.” Complements had become much easier to stomach, Neil feeling the weight of it in his chest. “I’m here with my team, actually.”
“Matt’s here?” Jacob narrowed his eyes, searching around the room until he spotted him. He tilted his head, beckoning Neil to follow like he had anywhere else to go. He kept his hands over the roof of the two drinks as he made his way back to the table, a habit Neil didn’t plan to break anytime soon.
“Jacob!” Matt’s long arm would’ve taken Neil out if he didn’t have the reflexes he had. “Hey man.”
“Oh, so this is your boyfriend, Matt,” Allison drawled, holding out her hand for Jacob to take. His eyes bulged out of his head, Allison not wavering until Jacob shook her hand. She smiled, wide and slow, “Might have to steal him.”
“Let’s not scare him off,” Renee chided, although her tone didn’t hold any heat.
“Sit, sit.” Matt struggled off his own chair, offering it to a bewildered looking Jacob. He stole an unoccupied chair from a nearby abandoned table, squeezing it between Jacob and Dan. It pushed him closer to Neil, barely an inch between them.
Jacob was dragged into a conversation with Dan and Matt, Neil happy to sit quietly and let everyone’s voices wash over him. More drinks were brought and passed out, both tables doing a round of shots. Andrew continued to toy with Neil’s leg, like every tap was another drink one of the Foxes downed.
Eventually, Jacob’s attention found its way back to Neil. His body was twisted, his smile easy. Jacob said, “Your eyes are so blue.”
Andrew’s foot on his calf stilled.
Neil nodded, trying his hardest not to look back at Andrew. “Yours are brown.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jacob’s voice was slurred. “But yours are blue. Oh my god, Neil.”
Neil, having plenty of experience with Kevin, got to his feet. “I think you need some water.” He found a jug being kept safe by Renee, and she was more than happy to pour him a glass. Neil slid it towards Jacob, “My shout.”
“Ha,” Jacob took a large gulp of water. He watched Neil keenly when he sat down, the glass covering his mouth. It left his voice muffled, “You should teach me.”
“What?”
“Exy.”
Neil’s eyes widened. “I’m not a teacher.”
“You help me with math. You describe things simply without fucking around, it’s good,” Jacob took another large gulp. “Wanna spend more time with you.”
“Ah,” Neil, thinking Jacob wouldn’t remember the conversation in the morning, agreed. “Sure.”
“Good, great,” Jacob hummed. He took Neil’s arm, gently tapping it with his fingers, “You’re amazing, Neil.”
Andrew viciously got up from his seat.
The sound of the scraping chair jolted him, Neil ripping his arm away from Jacob and back to his stomach on instinct. But there was nothing to shield himself from. All Andrew did was finish his whiskey, mutter something about a cigarette, and storm out of the bar. Neil went to follow, but a raise of Andrew’s left hand told him he wanted to be left alone. So Neil stayed put.
“What was that about?” Matt slurred.
Neil shrugged, ignoring Renee's curious look.
Andrew never came back inside.
It happened again.
Neil was returning from class when he bumped into Jacob, leaning half out of the girls’ dorm, clad in a bright blue jumper. He was laughing at something Matt said, his whole body thrown into the laugh. He would’ve stumbled right into Neil if he wasn’t holding onto the wall, and it made Neil question what he’d said. He didn’t have any balance at all, he’d be terrible at exy.
“Neil, hey,” he said when he noticed him, straightening immediately. Jacob’s smile widened. “I was wondering if I’d see you here.”
“I live here.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, I needed to ask you something.” Jacob leaned down, instantly closer to Neil. He smelled like spearmint. “Were you serious the other night about teaching me exy?”
Shit.
Neil’s face twisted. Jacob threw his head back in laughter. “Don’t freak out, I don’t think I was serious either. It’s okay, we can just stick to math. I reckon it would be a disaster anyway.” Neil’s lip upturned despite himself, imagining Jacob running a drill with Kevin. He’d probably make him cry, or vomit. Maybe both, likely both.
A door opened, Neil too busy listening to Jacob and Matt’s rambling to take much notice. Jacob especially was hard to ignore, his arm stretched high on the door, leaning right into Neil’s space. It was a little too close for comfort, Neil gradually edging backwards. Jacob didn’t seem to notice, or didn’t seem to mind.
“Anyway, I should go.”
“It was nice to see you, man.”
“You too,” Jacob’s attention shifted to Neil. He took his bicep in his hand, squeezing lightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow after class?”
There was no reason he wouldn’t. “Sure.”
Jacob squeezed Neil’s arm again before peeling himself away to the stairwell.
Neil said his goodbye to Matt before he made his way back to his own room. It was then when he noticed Andrew. He stood on the threshold, arms crossed, face as impassive as always. But his jaw was clenched, tight. Neil hesitated for a second, wondering if something had happened. He’d been in the dorm all day, what the hell could’ve possibly happened?
“Hey.”
Andrew disappeared back into the dorm.
Neil closed the door when he followed him. It was cold inside, Neil not immediately toeing off his shoes. He bounced on his heels for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to attack this, whatever this was. Neil settled on waiting Andrew out, dumping his books and changing into something more comfortable. He made sure to wear Andrew’s jumper, to lighten his mood if anything.
Andrew barely glanced at it. “You sure you want to wear that?”
It was a weird response, not what Neil was expecting. If anything, he wasn’t expecting anything at all. Usually Andrew just stared at Neil if he wore his clothes, his eyes doing all the talking for him. For Andrew to actually comment, it meant something. Something Neil was yet to understand. “If you want it back, just say so.”
“Thought you’d want something blue.”
Neil narrowed his eyes. “What?” When Andrew didn’t reply, Neil waved him off. “Whatever.”
The day passed slowly. The tension between them left Neil itchy.
There hadn’t ever been anything like it before, Neil not knowing what the hell to do or where the hell to start. Any tension between them was always good, or gone within a few minutes. But this was festering, confusing, deadly close to turning septic and Neil was at a loss. He went through every exchange they’d had in the past week, not able to conclude if he’d done or said anything.
It was fine, until it wasn’t. What had changed?
A knock at the door was a welcome distraction. Neil practically bolted from where he’d been sitting on the couch, the re-run of the USC game too loud in the quiet room. He didn’t take the time to wonder who it would be, throwing open the door without a second thought. Jacob was standing there, his jumper bright amongst the otherwise dull hallway.
Something told Neil that was important.
“Sorry if it’s late, but I found some of your notes with mine,” Jacob handed them over, Neil’s scrawled equations worlds away from Jacob’s clean, straight lines. “I guessed you’d be studying and might’ve wanted them.”
“Thanks.”
The silence stuck to the roof of Neil’s mouth, making his tongue dry.
Jacob went to leave, but stopped himself. “Do you have plans Wednesday night, by any chance? Some mates of mine were gonna go back to that bar. You can come if you want, no pressure.”
Neil was supposed to be going to the house in Columbia with Andrew. With the tension, he wasn’t sure if those plans were still set in stone or crumbling like the backroads they passed to get there. But Andrew was yet to say otherwise, so Neil had to assume, “I’m busy. Sorry.”
“Maybe another time,” Jacob rubbed the back of his neck. “Have a good night, Neil.”
Neil stayed by the door, long after Jacob had left.
When he turned back around, Andrew was gone.
It didn’t take long for Neil to figure out what Andrew’s problem was.
Two days, to be exact.
They didn’t speak much, which wasn’t unusual. They could go days without talking at all. It didn’t matter. They still spoke with their eyes, their bodies. Currently, Neil had never felt further from Andrew since they'd started their this, the itch persisting to a full body sting. They were supposed to be heading to Columbia tomorrow, but the closer they got the more Neil wondered if Andrew would leave without him.
Neil was sick of not knowing.
When Kevin finally left the dorm to meet with Wymack, Neil sought out Andrew. He was sitting at one of the desks in the main room. He was on his laptop, fingers gliding across the keyboard, loose papers to his right. Neil flexed his hands. He quickly ducked into the kitchen, grabbing the first thing he saw. He felt a little stupid holding the banana, but it was better than his hands awkwardly draped at his side.
He managed to keep his voice even, “What are you doing?”
Andrew’s eyes drifted up, slowly. He said, “I’m buying you a plane ticket.”
Neil snorted, unable to believe this was the first thing Andrew had said to him in days. “And where would that plane take me?”
“Australia.”
Neil’s hand stilled, the banana half peeled and wilting over his hand. “You can’t be serious.” The chair squeaked when Andrew turned back around. His back signalled the end of the conversation, but Neil had just gotten started.
He noisily made his way to the desk. He stood still behind his chair, giving Andrew ample time to tell him to fuck off. When he didn’t, Neil peered around Andrew, thinking better of spinning his chair back around himself. “Is there something you want to say?”
“Don’t ask-”
“Stupid questions, yeah I know.” Neil cut him off, “I’m stupid. What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem.”
“Since when did you lie?”
“I don’t have a problem,” Andrew emphasised. “You appear to.”
Neil leaned on the desk, eyes narrowed. He couldn’t tell where the conversation was headed, Neil feeling oddly like a bulb of oil in water. Days of frustration were ready to bleed out of him, and Neil just hoped he wouldn’t say something he’d regret. “I wasn’t aware I couldn’t speak to people.”
“You can do whatever you want.”
“Then why are you so pissed off?”
Because he was. The pencil in Andrew’s hand was bending, his fists whitening. His eyebrows were drawn, shoulders more raised than they usually were. His voice, always low and always carefully measured, had a slightly sharper glint. The others wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, but Neil paid attention. Andrew was pissed.
“It sounds like you already know the answer to that.” Andrew crushed the sharp end of his pencil on the page, the lead making a scraping pop. “So stop bothering me.”
“No.”
“No?”
“You heard me,” Neil abandoned the banana, resisting the childish urge to squish it in his hand. “We’re figuring this out.”
Andrew’s chair scraped on the floor, reminiscent of that night in the bar… after Jacob had been talking to him. Neil blinked off the revelation, following Andrew as he tried to leave. He was quicker than Andrew, putting his speed to good use and rushing in front of Andrew. He still maintained distance between them, catching Andrew’s eyes so he knew how serious he was.
“What is it about him?” Neil didn’t want to say his name in case he pissed Andrew off more.
Andrew maintained eye contact, although it looked like he would much rather the roof cave in on them than have this conversation. He managed to mutter, “I don’t like him.”
“You don’t like most people. Most people don’t rile you up like this. It’s something else.”
Andrew kept quiet. Neil kept on prodding. “He’s not a threat, and if he was I could handle it.”
“He’s not a threat,” he said it with so much conviction, Neil guessed Andrew must’ve done some digging. Which made sense. The, “to you,” he added was curious, however.
Neil, well versed in reading between Andrew’s lines, didn’t know what to do with that. “He’s not a threat to me, but you think he’s a threat to you? How the hell could he-” Neil stopped talking. The casual touching, the time spent together, the you’re amazing. Neil careened backwards. “You’re jealous?”
Andrew shouldered past Neil, eyes full of fire. “Shut up.”
“Andrew-”
Neil couldn’t finish that sentence, the door slamming shut was too loud.
He gave Andrew a few hours to calm down before he went to the roof.
The wind was biting, Neil ducking his chin into his - Andrew’s - jumper. Neil drifted to the cherry of the cigarette like a moth to a flame, settling down beside Andrew slowly. If he got up and left, Neil would be able to handle it. Maybe. But he didn’t have to worry. Andrew didn’t move, didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. The territory was too unfamiliar, Neil hated it.
There was no point dodging the conversation. “You have nothing to worry about.”
Andrew took a slow drag of his cigarette. He blew the smoke out of his nose, into the open air. Neil drank it greedily, having missed the smell. Neil had no idea just how tightly entwined Andrew had become in his life until they’d drifted. He couldn’t let it happen again, he wouldn’t.
“I mean it, Andrew. I don’t know how you could think otherwise.” He let the vulnerability pour out of him, Neil needing Andrew to know with utmost clarity he meant every word. “I want you. Only you.”
“Want,” Andrew dangled the word between them. He didn’t elaborate.
Neil didn’t need him to. “I can finally want things. You’re one of them, you know that. I know you do.”
With each second that passed, with every slither of breeze that drifted across Neil’s cheeks, he felt the tension ebbing away ever so slowly. He wondered if Andrew would say anything, he wondered if he needed Andrew to say anything. It became clear he did, Neil’s foot starting to tap the concrete. Andrew reached for his ankle, stilling him. He looked up at Andrew, finding his eyes and keeping them there.
“The way he looks at you,” Andrew gritted out, like every word was acid burning his throat. Neil suppressed the urge to reach out to him, knowing how hard it was for Andrew to admit this. He didn’t need to push him any further. “He does not know you to be able to look at you like that.”
Neil heard what Andrew didn’t say.
He doesn’t know you like I know you.
“I’ll make it clear to him I’m not interested like that,” Neil had to say this, not leaving the roof until he made it clear. “But Andrew, I like him as a friend, I’m not going to stop talking to him.” Andrew’s flared nostril told Neil what he thought about that, but he didn’t object, trusting Neil’s word. It left a lingering tension in Andrew’s shoulders, Neil wanting nothing more than to ease it out of him.
Neil raised his hand, asking permission in his eyes. Andrew was still before he leaned into his palm. Neil sucked in a harsh breath, needing a moment to collect himself. God. Neil thought he might’ve understood Andrew a bit more. He felt like he could easily dangle himself off the roof, the feelings swarming his chest too much all at once he didn’t know what to do with them.
They sat together in silence, just a little longer.